Jokes - Recently Updated Pages

Random thoughts

janiecesenn — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:00:12 CDT

at age 4 success is not piddling your pants.
at age 12 success is having friends.
at age 17 success is having your drivers license.
at age 35 success is having money.
at age 50 success is having money.
at age 70 success is having your drivers license.
at age 75 success is having friends.
at age 80 success is not piddling your pants.

Wingman Cell Phone

dustpaint — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 10:46:26 CDT

Cell phones are increasingly improving our lifestyles. What if a phone could go a step further and mimic your best buddy? Inspired by the latest cell phone applications and electronic technology, I have mocked up a concept phone that every bachelor should own... The Wingman.

The Wingman

Features To Get You Out of a Pinch:

Fake Caller - similar to the fake call iPhone apps, you can hit a button to suddenly receive a call. The Wingman goes a step further and allows you to take a call on speaker phone which really plays a pre-recorded "emergency" clip (from your mom, boss, doctor, neighbor, wife, etc.).

Cell Phone Jammer - someone behind you talking into their phone like it were a mile away? Silence them with the built-in jammer, or even better, overlay preset tracks including: taking a dump, auto accident, or sexual moans.

Brawl Buster - flying solo without your posse and someone is in your grill wanting to step outside? No worries. The Wingman's built-in micro-taser will bring any opponent to their knees.

C*ck Unblocker - is her friend getting in the way? The Wingman can keep the 3rd wheel occupied with a pre-loaded folder chock-full of female delights... you know pictures of puppies, baby videos, addictive brainless games, or the latest photo feeds from icanhascheezburger.

Features When Things Are Going Well:

Hot chick alert system - friends can tag hot chicks and you'll receive an alert to help steer your wandering eyes. If the hot chick has GPS enabled on her phone, she will be "marked" and the tag alerts will follow her wherever she goes.

Beer Match - In your hometown, find the nearest location with your favorite beer on tap (with price). When out of town, get "similar beer" recommendations based on the local equivalent of your favorite beer at home.

Drunk dial auto-detect The Wingman will auto-detect your first drunk dial via the built-in breathalyzer. Once this happens, the Wingman goes directly into Beer goggle prevention mode:

Forced Photo Opp - the Wingman will prompt you to snap a picture of the woman you are hitting on, the photo will then be sent to your buddies for their "tap that" or "dump her" votes.

HIPPA Crack - once you find out her name, the Wingman can tap into her medical records. Maybe she's easy for a reason.

Taxi Service - the Wingman will have taxi service called at the touch of button to keep you from driving. As you wait for the Taxi, the phone will prompt your for her address (never yours) or your current fast food craving.

10 Vibrating Settings - use your imagination...

Wake up service - the Wingman will wake you up while she is in stage 4 sleep to ensure you'll sneak out without her knowing and point you to the nearest coffee joint to begin your hangover recovery process.

Political Jokes

VidCrayzee — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 18:02:36 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your favorite general political jokes below, or click on the appropriate page to add jokes about favorite Presidential candidates, other political personalities, or all other political topics.

General Political Jokes

Week In Review - 22 June 2009

Once again Tim Russert hosts this week's Beema News covering news in all three branches of the Government including affairs and prostitutes, the Judiciary and Legislature, pornography and speed bumps.

Week In Review - 18 May 2009

This week's Beema News covers Nancy Pelosi and what she knew about interrogations, Barack Obama and how he is dealing with GM, Fritz Henderson, Tax Havens, the Post Office and ASU among other issues.

Week In Review - 29 April 2009

This week's Beema News covers Miss California and Rudy Guiliani's musings on Gay Marriage, Obama's choice of a Nike Executive, Guess Jeans Founder Georges Marciano's tax bill, Al Gore, Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney and Scooter Libby.

Week In Review - 14 April 2009

This week's Beema News covers the Navy SEAL rescue of Captain Richard Phillips, the new First Dog Bo, Kim Jong Il's missile misfire and President Obama's upcoming trip to Mexico.

Week In Review - 16 March 2009

Topics include the AIG Bonuses, Enemy Combatants, Rush Limbaugh, small portions at the White House and more.

Week in Review - 3 March 2009

Topics include stories about Congress and chimps, Obama's cabinet, Goodell and the Jets, Michael Jackson and Bubbles and more.

Topics include Church pronouncements on US ethics, Biden vs. Cheney, Bush and da Silva fishing in Brazil, Obama and the IMF and recent archeological findings about ancient Greek bars and brothels.

Letterman's Top 10 Things Overheard at the Presidents Lunch

According to a recent poll that just came out, the majority of McCain voters think the economy is in a normal downward cycle, but the majority of Obama voters think the economy is in a long-term decline. Yeah. Meanwhile, the majority of Ralph Nader voters collect empty beer cans along the highway. (Conan O'Brien)

The Republican convention is over, the Democratic convention over. Just one left. Next week, Ralph Nader's convention. It'll be at his apartment. He says you have to park on the street. (Jay Leno)

Put a federal agency in charge of the Sahara Desert and it would run out of sand. (Peggy Noonan)

In response to Stephen Douglass calling him two-faced, Abraham Lincoln quipped, "If I had another face, do you think I'd wear this one."

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said, "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose." (Unknown)

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madame, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober." (Unknown)

Lady Astor, first woman member of the House of Commons, pouring coffee to Winston Churchill: "Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee." "Nancy," Churchill replied, "if I were your husband, I’d drink it."

The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya Hoya". The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. "I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies. A committee staff from the top level of participating nations would, of course, administer the program. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written as 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

yo mamma so old

aj2231 — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 20:48:40 CDT

There is no abstract available for this page revision.

yo mama so ugly

yomamachamp — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 19:36:42 CDT

There is no abstract available for this page revision.

yo mama so fat

yomamachamp — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 19:35:07 CDT

There is no abstract available for this page revision.

Chuck Norris Jokes 5

756 — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 00:34:59 CDT

Chuck Norris Jokes Are The Best

The funny Chuck Norris jokes continue. Who needs television when you can add jokes to this wiki?

Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris Jokes 2

Chuck Norris Jokes 3

Chuck Norris Jokes 4

THESE CHUCK NORRIS JOKES ROCK!

chuck norris built the holspital he was born in

chuck norris lost his virginity before his mom

Chuck Norris does his laundry on the Eighth day of the week
In the begining there was nothing... But chuck Norris
And on the Eighth day, Chuck Norris created God
one man said to another 'You hear bout those WMDs in Iraq?' the second man looked blank then said 'But Chuck Norris lives in America.'
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time.

The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight.
He then drank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris killed a dog because he said it looked at him funny. (PS. the dog was a pug).

If you love you're girlfriend she loves Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the reason diapers were invented. (if you know what I mean)!

Chuck Norris lives in a pineapple.

Chuck Norris eats babies for breakfast.

chuck norris ate the pope the next day he craped out saiten

Chuck Norris doesent run from tornados tornadoes run from him.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure

When chuck norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck norrised.

Chuck Norris once shot down a german fighter pilot by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang."

The titanic wasn't really sunk by an iceburg. Chuck norris was just practicing underwater roundhouse kicks. The reason why there were survivors? He was only warming up.

The Story of Chuck Norris

Chuck created everything and everyone. Life started with nothing but giant lizards called dinosaurs. Chuck got pissed at their stupidity and although they say a meteor killed them Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked the Earth so hard that the shock wave killed them. This is also how Pangaea split into the continents. Then chuck went into hiding and did not surface again until Greek was formed. Alclema then was chosen by Chuck to give birth to him again. Alclema (although not stated in Greek mythology) acutely had 3 kids. One was Chuck, one tried to leave the womb first and got killed by chuck, and the last one was chuck's younger, weaker, brother Hercules. Chuck, 16 years after being born again, chucked Hercules into the sky and Hercules was never seen again. The reason Chuck did this was because Hercules said that he was manlier than Chuck. Chuck then left the earth and went to hell for 2 reasons, one because people didn’t respect him enough and chuck was graceful enough to spare everyone and two, to punch Hades in the face. Hades then, shamed with 2 horn like lumps on his head, legally changed his name to Satan. Chuck did not bring himself into the world again until about 3 B.C. then inserted himself into a virgin. Although Chuck could speak when born they let his parents name him anyway. They called him Jesus. The things they said Jesus did were actually his minor less violent achievements. No one can name them all but he did in fact build the Pyramids when he was 3. The reason his disciples did not write the more violent stuff down is because they wanted the Bible to be believable. Chuck did die on the cross and resurrected himself later. The reason he did this was to show the Jews and Greeks that he is invincible. He then killed everyone at his crucifixion. Around the time when Chuck left he had many different forms, each one to spread the knowledge of himself. Those people were known as the following; King Midas, Noah, Kansas Cuan, and King Tut. Which leads us to present day awsome.

Chuck Norris did a corkscrew into the Gulf of Mexico and Created Hurricane Katrina.

Chuck Norris doesn't move when he walks, the universe just moves around him.

If Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim on land.

Yo mama so short

yomamachamp — Sat, 30 May 2009 10:50:18 CDT

There is no abstract available for this page revision.

Yo Mama Is So Hairy Jokes

BlabbyAbby — Wed, 27 May 2009 15:29:37 CDT

Yo momma's so hairy, they filmed King Kong in her shower

Yo mommas so hairy even big foot was afraid of her

Yo mommas so hairy, you almost died of rugburn at birth!!

Yo mama so hairy, her armpit looks like Buckwheat in a headlock.

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

Yo mama is so fat and hairy she can't get her hair cut at a beauty salon. She has to hire a landscaping crew and lay in the yard while they go at her with the weed whackers.

Yo mama so hairy and short, that when she walked into Pet Smart with her husband the manager said, "Thanks for bringing our missing dog back!"

Yo mama so hairy, she has afros on her lips!

Yo mama's so hairy, she could be sold as a Chia pet.

Yo mama's so hairy, long haired hippies worship her.

Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.

Yo dog is so hairy- oh wait, sorry, i didn't mean to get your mama into this conversation.

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so fat...

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Yo Mama So Fat Jokes

BlabbyAbby — Wed, 27 May 2009 15:28:37 CDT

Yo mama is soooo fat...
YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WHEN SHE WANTED A WATER BED THEY PUT A BLANKET OVER LAKE MICHIGAN!!BURNED!!

Yo mama's so fat, last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scales.

Yo mama's so fat, it took me 5 years to get to the other side!
yo mama's so fat, they named her D. Pay-check-O :)
Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door.

Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms.

Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.

Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.

Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fits all" to "One size fits most"

Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change radio stations.

Yo mama's so fat, she has smaller fat women orbiting around her!

Yo' mama's so fat, she wears two watches -- one for each time zone!

Yo mama's so fat, she put on a Malcolm X T-shirt and a helicopter tried to land on her

Yo mama's is so fat that when god said," Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ass out the way first!

Yo mama's is so fat, she wore guess jeans and the answer popped out.

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat she walked into a store wearing high heels and she came out wearing flip flops!!

Yo mama's so fat, Cal Tech had to adjust their sensors so they didn't detect an earthquake every time she got off the couch.

Your mama's so fat she sleeps in the garage and parks the van on her bed.

Yo momma is soooo fat.., she was baptized in seaworld!!

Yo mama is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.

Yo mama is so fat, her tumors get lost in the dark, sweaty abyss of her stomach.

Yo mama is so fat, she has more rolls then the Michelin man.

Yo mama is so fat, people need a map just to go around her.

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Yo mama's so fat, China keeps shouting for her to "stop stomping around up there."

Yo mama's so fat, her fingers have cottage cheese.

Yo mama's so fat. when she backs up all you hear is beep, beep, beep.

Yo mama so fat, when you slap her leg you can ride the wave.

Yo mamma so fat she has stretch marks on her toes!

Yo mamma so fat she puts mayonaise on her diet pills!

Yo mamma's so fat her feet never get wet when she takes a shower!

Yo mamma's so fat she is the only person I know that can play hide and go seek with her bellybutton!

Yo momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo momma's so fat, the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.

Yo momma's so fat when she walked down the beach the whales popped up and started singin "We are family! EVEN THO YA FATTA THEN ME!"

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up .

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat that when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama's so fat she has more rolls then the town’s bakery.

Yo mama's so fat, the only way to get her out of a telephone booth is to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie in the street.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles came out.

Yo mama's so fat, even God can't lift her spirits!

Yo mama's so fat, she holds up her stockings with hula-hoops.

Yo mama's so fat, she wore a red sweater and all of the kids pointed at her and said, "Kool-Aid Man!!!!".

Yo mama's so fat, she went outside in a yellow raincoat and people yelled taxi.

Yo mama's so fat, Christopher Columbus claimed her as the new world.

Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't pose for pictures, she poses for posters.

Yo mama's so fat that her belt size is the titled the "Equator".

Yo mama's so fat, her baby pictures were taken by satellite.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Get the f*** off."

Yo momma so fat she makes a fat boy look like Nicole Richie.

Yo Mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said: TO BE CONTINUED

Yo mama is so fat she went into a restaurant and when she left she was wrongly accused for stealing 5 hams.

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat that when she was in the ocean, Another boat came by and screamed: "SINKING SHIP"

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo mama so fat that when she was ciunting all of her rolls, she counted 1,000,000

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama so fat her freckles fell of her face!

Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

Yo mama so fat when she has sex she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks!

Y mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

YO MAMA SO FAT SHE LEFT IN HIGH HEELS AND CAME BACK IN FLIP FLOPES
Yo mama is so fat jokes continued on page 2.

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Woody Allen Jokes

DarkStone85 — Tue, 26 May 2009 18:50:54 CDT

Woody Allen on Death	Woody Allen on Life
Woody Allen on God	Woody Allen on Sex & Love

Classic Woody Allen Jokes

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I think you should defend to the death [the KKK's] right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded... dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm really a timid person. I was beaten up by Quakers.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

I'm so excited—I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Somebody so stupid he put wood on Woody Allen.

Yo Mama Jokes

DarkStone85 — Tue, 26 May 2009 18:47:45 CDT

Yo mama is so fat jokes

Sample jokes+:
so mama so fat her pansy size is is is bitch lose some weight
Yo' mama's so fat, she wears two watches
-- one for each time zone!

Your mama is so fat she lives on the biggest loser show!!

Your mamas so fat she ATE the biggest loser!

Yo mama's so big, that they had to change
"One size fits all" to "One size fits most"

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says:
"Picture continued on other side."

Yo Momma's is so fat, she fell asleep in the attic and woke up in the basement.

Yo momma so fat that when a bus drove by she yelled TWINKIE!!!

Yo momma so fat that when she sat in class she sat next to EVERYBODY!!!

Yo mama is so thin jokes

Yo' mama is sho thin that she takes up half a Facebook account

Yo mama is so old jokes

Sample jokes:
Your momma is so old, she delivered Jesus.

Yo mama so old, I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama's so old, she farts dust.

Yo momma's so old, she still owes jesus a quarter.

Yo momma's so old, she saw passion of christ live.

Yo momma's so old that her social securities number is 1

Yo mama so old, she had to sit on a wheelchair and her husband asked "Oh no she crashed into Wal Mart."

Yo mama is so poor jokes

Sample Jokes:
Yo mama's so poor all she has is a coupon for the 99 cent store!

Yo mama's so poor, the bank repossessed her cardboard box.

Yo momma's so poor she cant even pay attention.

yo mama so poor when she was kicking a can down the street someone asked her what she was doing and she said im moving my house got a problem with that?

Yo mama so poor when i stepped on a cigerette she said who turned the heater off.

Yo mama is so stupid jokes

Sample jokes:
Yo mama's so stupid she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama's so stupid she eats her food stamps.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama so stupid she locked her self in a motorcycle!

Yo mama is so stupid she brought a spoon the the Super Bowl.

Yo mama is so stupid she sits on the TV and watches the couch.

Yo mama is so stupid she brought her son Steve and his berries from his lunch to Steve and Berry's.

Yo mama is so ugly jokes

Sample jokes:
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama so ugly her lawyer put a bra on her face and a banana in her mouth and nose plugs in her nose.

Yo mama is so hairy jokes

Yo Mama is so hairy, shes growing afrows on her nipples.
Yo momma so hairy that when she put on AXE bodyspray a squirrel came..

Yo mama so hairy a bear wanted to sniff her for 2 hours.

Yo mama's teeth jokes
yo mamas teeth are so yellow someone asked her why she dyed them!

Yo mama teeth so yellow someone asked "Why are egg yolks stuck to your gums?"

Redneck Jokes

DarkStone85 — Tue, 26 May 2009 18:37:49 CDT

Click EasyEdit to add your own jokes.

Redneck jokes

The redneck dog's neck was so red, another redneck asked why its neck was bleeding.
A redneck dog was so dumb that it thought he was a Read Neck Dog so he read his neck.
The redneck dog was so heavy that there was an earthquake!
A redneck dog was so dumb he tried to clean his neck because he thought it was blood when the other redneck asked why it was bleeding.

Funny Kid Stories

T&J110 — Mon, 25 May 2009 09:45:14 CDT

A mother took her 3-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you..."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the
argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

9-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Joey said, "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge, and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

---------------------------------------

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, that explains what happen to you."

chuck norrs jokes

Kamrocks — Sun, 24 May 2009 14:01:34 CDT

There is no abstract available for this page revision.

Chuck Norris Jokes 2

confushussay — Fri, 15 May 2009 16:02:38 CDT

More Funny Chuck Norris Jokes...

Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris Jokes 3

Chuck Norris Jokes 4

Chuck Norris Jokes 5

GOOD CHUCK NORRIS JOKES

chuck norris once impaled a man with a single one of his pubes

nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole exept chuck norris he eats black holes. they taste like chicken

chuck norris died 20 years ago. death just never had the guts to tell him.

bruce lee killed chuck norris in the way of the dragon. to bad he died shortly after.

The titanic didn't sink because of an iceberg, Chuck Norris was just out for a swim.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.

Go to Google and type in "Find Chuck Norris" Then Click "I'm Feeling Lucky"

When people die, they go to hell. When hell dies, it goes to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Mr. T, Arnold Shcwarzzenger, and Chuck Norris are standing in front of God. God says to them,"I have call you three here because you are the greatest fighters in the world and I have a place for one of you at my right hand. You must prove to me whom of you it shall be." Mr. T steps and says "I pity the fool who doesn't let me sit at His right hand." God tells him that he was not good enough and sends Mr. T to hell. Arnold steps up and says "I was in predator, commando, the terminator. You must choose the governator." God tells him not good enough and sends Arnold to hell. God turns to Chuck Norris and say "Why should you sit beside me?" Chuck quickly proceeds to roundhouse kick God in the face and say "Bitch, your in my seat.

Chuck Norris can beat Halo 3 on Legendary...with a guitar hero controller!

Chuck Norris invented the tooth fairy, as a way to compensate for round house kicking everybody to the face.

Chuck norris once ate a bean supream and farted, the event is now known as the 1st nuclear bomb test.

Chuck Norris was suppose to have a twin brother but he did not survive chucks nine months practice of floating rondhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris has had thousands of lovers, but none of them ever satisfied Chuck Norris. He realized that the only person who could ever satisfy Chuck Norris...was Chuck Norris.

everytime chuck norris has sex he has to fix the hole in the wall the next morning

The continets didn't drift away from each other, they just found out that chuck norris was gunna be on america so they all ran away

chuck norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana

Originally Chuck Norris was to play froto in Lord of the Rings but turned the job down cause only a panzy needs 3 movies to destroy jewlery. Also Chuck Norris was originally cast to play the lead role on the show 24. The producers had to fire him after he killed all of the terrorists in 10 seconds.

Daddy didn't take her T-bird away... Chuck Norris did.

Chuck Norris is so strong that not only does he hold the whole world in his hands, but he also holds the holds the entire univerise.

There is a little Chuck Norris in everyone. No really. Listen to your inner Chuck Norris and roundhouse kick yourself in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris's dog picks up its own sh!t because Chuck Norris doesn't take sh!t from anybody

Chuck Norris doesn't THROW UP after a long night of partying...He THROWS DOWN!!!

Once while having sex in a trailer chuck norris's sperm accidentally got into the engine, you might know this trailer as Optimis Prime.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity-twice

Chuck Norris invented the phrase" put a foot in your mouth"

chuck norris has never kicked anyone's ass, but the mear sight of him makes you kick your own ass

When God sneezes, people say Chuck Norris bless you

Chuck Norris knows what Bo doesn't

Do u know how giraffes were born? Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a horse in the neck!

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who never met Chuck Norris!

Who would win the race between Batman and Superman to the moon???Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, he goes killing

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

Chuck Norris has 2 speeds...Walk and Kill.

AIDS was specifically designed to kill chuck norris. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin islands. Now there just the islands.

Chuck norris destroys whole continents. Ever heard of atlantis? nuff said

Devil didn't go down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal. Chuck Norris came down to hell and told him to get the fuck out.

Chuck Norris once went to Wendy's and ordered a Big Mac...and got one.

Google no longer runs searches on Chuck Norris
You dont find chuck norris,
Chuck Norris finds you!

Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talking about

Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, if by 'knit' you mean kick and by 'sweaters' you mean babies :]
-Macy, TN

Chuck Norris is the real reason Mitt Romney dropped out of the presidential race.

Osama Bin Laden hates the USA because he is envious that Chuck Norris is there

She had fun fun fun alright... until Chuck Norris showed up.

Chuck Norris poops while standing up!

Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to a duel... that person is now known as Captain Hook.

Chuck Norris once took a very big dump...that dump is known as Mt. Everest (also, the leak he took with it is known as the Pacific Ocean).

The Bible used to be called Chuck Norris and Friends.

According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face...YESTERDAY!!

Chuck Norris counted to infinity...............TWICE!!!

The universe was created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a star in the face for being too bright.

Chuck Norris' sperm is so CRaZy that one time he impregnated a chick and seven months later she gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard in the face that that person was sent through a time rift into another dimension. That person is now known as Satan.

Christopher Reeves was one of the only people to survive an encounter with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

They say tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

Once on the filming of Walker, Texas Ranger, when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a stunt man, his foot went so fast that it traveled back in time and kicked Amelia Earnhart in the head on her last voyage.

God said "Let there be light" and Chuck Norris said "Say please".

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

There are no bombs, chuck norris just jumps out of a hellicopter and punches the ground.

When Chuck Norris pees, he clogs the toilet.

There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, he got what he deserved.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are three sides of the force, the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a covet in the back hills of Tunsca, nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional history.

Chuck Norris can say to a waitress, "can i have your number just kidding just kidding," and get it!

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

When Chuck Norris wants barbecue for lunch, he finds a pig and just looks at it. When the pig looks back at Chuck Norris, it instantly turns into a barbecue sandwich with colslaw and hushpuppies.

If Chuck Norris wants to go on the internet, he just stares at the monitor and keyboard. Then the computer and monitor will come on all bythemselves and the keyboard automatically types what Chuck Norris is thinking.

Chuck Norris laughter is the most feared sound on earth because it can only mean that he has killed again.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, may God help you.

Jokes by Famous Comedians

cwings — Tue, 12 May 2009 14:06:14 CDT

Add your favorite jokes! If your favorite comic isn't here, select the Add Page button and start a new page now!

How well do you know your famous comedians?
Take the Comedy Quiz and find out!

Stand Up Comedians

Woody Allen Jokes "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."	Lewis Black Jokes "In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants."	George Burns Jokes "Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
Frank Caliendo Jokes "I think it's great that we have a president who looks like he's always staring directly into the sun."	George Carlin Jokes "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."	Dave Chappelle Jokes "Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!"
Dane Cook Jokes "I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips."	Bill Cosby Jokes "Parents are not interested in justice -- they want quiet!"	Rodney Dangerfield Jokes "I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
Gilbert Gottfried Jokes "I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked."	Jack Handey Jokes "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."	Mitch Hedberg Jokes "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
Dennis Miller Jokes "The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen?"	Eddie Murphy Jokes "I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!"	Richard Pryor Jokes "I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking in my car driving 90."
Chris Rock Jokes "I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot."	Rita Rudner Jokes "After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch."	Jerry Seinfeld Jokes "Bozo the Clown. Do we really need 'the Clown'? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the Tax Attorney? Bozo the Pope?"
Sarah Silverman Jokes "I am part Mongolian rapist. And I will be totally honest with you: I love it."	Steven Wright Jokes "I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive."	Henny Youngman Jokes "I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."

Late Night Television Jokes

Johnny Carson Jokes	David Letterman Jokes	Jay Leno Jokes
Conan O'Brien Jokes	Bill Maher Jokes	Jon Stewart Jokes
Stephen Colbert Jokes	Jimmy Kimmel Jokes	Craig Ferguson Jokes

Don't see your favorite comedian?

Create a new Jokes page by clicking the Add Page button.

(Don't forget to add a link back on this page!)

Jay Leno Jokes

Green-Arrow — Thu, 07 May 2009 11:27:37 CDT

WATCH EPISODES OF THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO

The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages.

And health experts are now concerned that the bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it 'recession pounds.' Really? Recession pounds? Have these people been to a shopping mall in the last ten years? Either that theory is dead wrong or we've been in a recession since 1985, okay?

And The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven't H.M.O.'s been doing that for years?

The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people.

And the World Health Organization announced this week a new outbreak of the bird flu. Quite serious. The bird flu is the most threatening bird-related disease, I guess, since the invention of the Chicken McNuggets.

And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren't used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn't understand. The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn't get to the global warming conference.

The other night, President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukkah party. Now, even though it's a week early, he wanted to light the Menorah. Now, if you aren't Jewish and not familiar, Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. It sounds like Exxon-Mobil's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel efficient device that uses just a drop of oil.

God forbid, they don't want to do that. And in New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it's the one thing that could actually ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey, so that's good.

A rare snowstorm hit New Orleans today. It snowed in New Orleans. You see that? Unbelievable. Not wasting any time, FEMA announced they will have plows in the New Orleans area within the next six to eight months.

We're gonna be doing a new show in the fall. We'll start at 10pm, right after the last hour of the 'Today' show. See, the way they're going to schedule, it's gonna be all talk. Oh, man. Well, as you may have heard, there were rumblings that I was leaving NBC and going to ABC. Let me tell you something, those were nothing but rumors started by a disgruntled employee ... me.

Well, you know what's interesting, and I say this quite seriously, you know, I didn't always want to stay with NBC, but I remembered something my parents always told me. They said, 'Whatever you do in life, always try to come in fourth.' And that's where NBC is.

I tell you how sneaky show business is. Did you hear what CBS announced today? Did you hear about this? Yeah, they're moving Letterman to 9:59. I couldn't believe it.

Well, an estimated 271 million turkeys were raised in United States this year. That's not even counting the turkeys that are here illegally.

Been a lot of stories from Germany about how America has come to terms with its past and is beginning to make up for it. Now look. I know our country is not perfect, but we do a pretty good job working out our problems. Do we need a lecture from Germany? When they elect a Jewish chancellor, give me a call. Okay?

Well, in international news, the man considered to be the leader of the Taliban inside of Pakistan, has died of kidney failure. See, that's when you know the war on terrorism has gone on for too long. When our enemies are dying of natural causes.

And the Iranian president, Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job -- isn't that his name? Am I saying it right? I think I'm saying it right -- has offered to debate John McCain and Barack Obama when he's in New York next week. To which Ralph Nader said, 'What? You can challenge them to a debate?'

Big story in USA Today today. They said the days of easy money are over. Well, I'll bet the CEOs of the oil companies had a big laugh over that.

See, that's the problem in this country. You see, Washington is out of touch with the common people. They have no idea what regular people are doing or thinking on a regular basis. You know, just this morning, I was telling that to my valet, Alejandro, as he was putting the toothpaste on my brush for me.

Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what's the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That's what we should do, cancel their policy. 'Ooh, sorry, you're too much of risk.'

And AIG has assets of over $1 trillion. Not billion, $1 trillion. How do you have $1 trillion and still get into financial trouble?

You know? I mean, I understand if you're living in a dumpster, rooting through trash cans, you need a couple bucks, okay. But if you have $1 trillion, don't hit me up for a loan. Think about it. Has anybody ever had $1 trillion and still failed? Okay, besides the New York Yankees.

You know, what happened to the old days when we had corporations we could trust, like Enron and WorldCom? Where are those blue chip companies?

The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'

U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, 'You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that's still open.'

Well, let's see, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America. See, that's when you know the subprime mortgage market is bad, even brokerage houses are losing their houses. That's why they're called brokers. After they take your money, you're broker. You see?

Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works.

And of course, August was a big month for the campaigns. Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August, raised $66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. And Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice.

This is so stupid. They always ask voters, 'which candidate would you rather have a beer with?' You want to have a beer with any politicians, really? Look, you know McCain. He'd order a Budweiser, and then future generations would have to pay for it. Barack Obama would order some fancy European beer we couldn't afford. Sarah Palin would order a moosehead and a shot. Clinton, he's still trying to tap the keg. You know, so why would you want to drink with any of these people?

Hey, no sign of the North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. A lot of speculation. Nobody's seen him. They say if he is not in the public eye for at least six months, you know what happens? He winds up on 'Dancing with the Stars.'

In international news, 60% of the people in the country of Jordan say they find Americans to be rude. Actually, that's not so bad, when you consider 60% of people in other Middle Eastern countries think we're Satan. ...We're moving up!

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery?
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Conan O'Brien Jokes

Green-Arrow — Thu, 07 May 2009 11:26:57 CDT

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This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the next 'Batman' movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging off the side.

At Washington's Union Station, Ikea has built a replica of the Oval Office where all the furnishing have been replaced with Ikea furniture. Yeah, experts say it finally answers the question, 'What if the President was a 28-year-old divorced guy.'

Astronauts on board the International Space Station are trying to fix the machine that turns urine into drinking water. Well, actually, the urine converter was fixed days ago, but the astronauts keep saying, 'You try it. No, you try it.'

Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot.

It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'

Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you're wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy.

A new study just came out. According to the study ... Mexico is one of the happiest countries in the world. Isn't that nice? Yeah, apparently people from Mexico are happy because most of them get to live in Los Angeles.

On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan.

Today in Washington, DC, Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader met with Libertarian presidential candidate Ron Paul. They didn't plan the meeting. They just bumped into each other in a soup line.

This week, Amy Winehouse is going to be appearing at a music festival, and she's demanding - this is true - that her dressing room be stocked with 50 bottles of Jack Daniel's. Yeah. Yeah, so the good news is she's cutting back.

During John McCain's speech last night, an anti-Republican heckler began yelling at him. Yeah. Officials removed the man and immediately gave him a job at MSNBC.

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.

Watch Episodes of Late Night with Conan O'Brien

The-Joker — Wed, 06 May 2009 19:54:59 CDT

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Yo mama is so fat jokes Sample jokes+: so mama so fat her pansy size is is is bitch lose some weight Yo' mama's so fat, she wears two watches -- one for each time zone! Your mama is so fat she lives on the biggest loser show!! Your mamas so fat she ATE the biggest loser! Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fits all" to "One size fits most" Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says: "Picture continued on other side." Yo Momma's is so fat, she fell asleep in the attic and woke up in the basement. Yo momma so fat that when a bus drove by she yelled TWINKIE!!! Yo momma so fat that when she sat in class she sat next to EVERYBODY!!!
Yo mama is so thin jokes Yo' mama is sho thin that she takes up half a Facebook account
Yo mama is so old jokes Sample jokes: Your momma is so old, she delivered Jesus. Yo mama so old, I told her to act her own age, and she died. Yo mama's so old, she farts dust. Yo momma's so old, she still owes jesus a quarter. Yo momma's so old, she saw passion of christ live. Yo momma's so old that her social securities number is 1 Yo mama so old, she had to sit on a wheelchair and her husband asked "Oh no she crashed into Wal Mart."
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Yo mama is so stupid jokes Sample jokes: Yo mama's so stupid she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind. Yo mama's so stupid she eats her food stamps. Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. Yo mama so stupid she locked her self in a motorcycle! Yo mama is so stupid she brought a spoon the the Super Bowl. Yo mama is so stupid she sits on the TV and watches the couch. Yo mama is so stupid she brought her son Steve and his berries from his lunch to Steve and Berry's.
Yo mama is so ugly jokes Sample jokes: Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Yo mama so ugly her lawyer put a bra on her face and a banana in her mouth and nose plugs in her nose.
Yo mama is so hairy jokes Yo Mama is so hairy, shes growing afrows on her nipples. Yo momma so hairy that when she put on AXE bodyspray a squirrel came.. Yo mama so hairy a bear wanted to sniff her for 2 hours.
Yo mama's teeth jokes yo mamas teeth are so yellow someone asked her why she dyed them! Yo mama teeth so yellow someone asked "Why are egg yolks stuck to your gums?"

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Yo mama is soooo fat...YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WHEN SHE WANTED A WATER BED THEY PUT A BLANKET OVER LAKE MICHIGAN!!BURNED!!Yo mama's so fat, last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scales.

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Yo mama is soooo fat...
YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WHEN SHE WANTED A WATER BED THEY PUT A BLANKET OVER LAKE MICHIGAN!!BURNED!!

Yo mama's so fat, last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scales.