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yo mama so ugly

zadhino — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 16:45:41 CDT

your mama so ugly she makes onion cry
yo mama so old her birthday expired
yo mama so fat she puts on a black and white bathing suit jumps in the pool and everyone yells free willy
YO MAMMA so stupid someone jaked her tv she goes out and says hey u forgot the remote!

Chuck Norris Jokes 4

zadhino — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 16:43:56 CDT

chuck is afraid his wife is cheating on here one day he buy's a gun comes home he's tom cruise in bed wid his wife he put a gun to his head alex is like : chuck plz we can sort dis out. ; SHUTTUP ***** UR NEXT

Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris Jokes 2

Chuck Norris Jokes 3

Chuck Norris Jokes 5

LAUGH LIKE CHUCK NORRIS LAUGHS AT HIS ENEMIES

Chuck Norris once killed a man for asking who he was.

Chuck Norris hates Raymond.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon.

When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s ****.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******* Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday.
Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

President Obama

zadhino — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 16:40:04 CDT

obama so black when he waz makin a speech everyones like : who turned dem fukin lights of

Obama Inauguration Jokes
Obama Nominee Jokes
Obama Family Jokes

Click EasyEdit to add your favorite jokes/videos/cartoons about the 44th President of the United States.

Jon Stewart on President Obama

Obama: Day 15
Obama's New Church	Big 'Bama's House
Obama's Smug Little Bubble	Qatar Hero
Barack Obama: Path to the Presidency	Fox News Fear Imbalance

Jay Leno on President Obama

According to a new study in the journal 'Social Science Quarterly,' people who grow up with unpopular and strange sounding names are much more likely to be unsuccessful in life. I'll remember to tell that to President Barack Hussein Obama.

As you know, President Obama has outlawed torture. Although, he said, 'After listening to Rush Limbaugh, maybe I was a little too hasty.'

Ooh, it's getting nasty now between President Obama and Rush Limbaugh. In fact, Limbaugh told his radio audience he's not going to 'bend over' and grab his ankles just because Barack Obama is black. Well, you know, let's take race out of it for a minute. Now, honestly, regardless of who's president, do you think there's any chance in hell Rush Limbaugh could bend over and grab his ankles?

And as you know, President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They're all on the do-not-fly list.

Well, I mean, what'll they do with them? I mean, look, most politicians don't want them in their state or their district. Other countries don't want them. Although, today, New York City's Yellow Cab Company said, 'Hey, we'll take them.'

President Barack Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. You know what that means? ABC may be forced to cancel 'The View.'

After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess it's gonna be on Verizon.

Actually, it's a special BlackBerry, built just for him. They're calling it a 'BarackBerry.' This is true. It doesn't even have a battery. Runs entirely on hope.

Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama's president, Michael Jackson said he's thinking about being black again.

Barack Obama now the 44th President of the United States. Fascinating. As you know, we've never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president. We've had an Irish-American president. We've even had an incompetent American president. But we've never had an African-American president.

Conan O'Brien on President Obama

The producers of this year's Academy Awards are worried about the ratings, so they are making several changes to the show to try to increase viewership. For instance, this year's broadcast will be called 'American Idol Presents the Oscars, Hosted by Barack Obama.'

ABC says they will probably cancel the sitcom 'According to Jim,' which means Barack Obama's message of hope is already working.

Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That's big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour.

This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out.

Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn't really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways.

Today, in one of his first official acts as president, Barack Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisors to find out just, you know, what the situation is. And, apparently, it didn't go well, because after the meeting, Obama sold North and South Dakota.

Jimmy Kimmel on President Obama

President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game.

Meanwhile, our president, President Obama, will make his first trip overseas to Canada next month. It's an historic visit, not just because it's his first foreign trip, but because he'll be the first black person ever to visit Canada.

Obama is going because Canada is such an important friend to the United States and because he always wanted to visit the birth place of Alan Thicke.

Actually, after going to ten inaugural balls last night and dancing more than Cloris Leachman in nine weeks of 'Dancing With the Stars,' the new president was up and in the office at 8:35 in the morning and then he was at church at 9:30. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president, he decided the best thing he could do for the country is pray?

Barack Obama is the new President of the United States, our 44th. As our first African-American president, Obama fulfills the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.

Stephen Colbert on President Obama

Nation, last night, President Obama called his handling of the Tom Daschle nomination 'a mistake.' This is great news, because we all know that a president only admits to a mistake at the end of his term. So it is official: The Obama administration is over.

Nation, we all know that the march toward socialism continues. Last Tuesday, Congress passed the Lilly Ledbetter law, which makes it easier to sue your employer for pay discrimination. No one tell Dianne Feinstein not everyone in Congress gets paid in saltines. Now folks, I say this Ledbetter legislation is unfair. Women are the ones who get discriminated against the most, which means they're going to benefit from this law more than men. That is sexist. Not to mention that many in the business community say '... the measure could ... discourage employers from hiring women.' Exactly. If you can't discriminate against women, what is the point in hiring them? I guess the only reasonable answer is to hire nothing but women and pay them all equally horribly. Well, Obama signed the bill on Thursday, which means I can no longer discriminate legally. From now on, I'm going to have to discriminate under the table, which will be difficult, because that's where I usually do my harassment. It's going to get very crowded down there.


Al Arabiya kidnaps Barack Obama

Seth Meyers on President Obama

In an interview with Al-Arabiya, an Arab-language news channel, President Obama said that he wanted to persuade Muslims that the Americans were not your enemy. In an early sign of improvement, the crowd of protestors outside began chanting, 'Injury to America.' So that's better.

SNL - President Obama is Feeling Nostalgic

Chuck Norris Jokes 2

p2412 — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 05:06:13 CDT

More Funny Chuck Norris Jokes...

Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris Jokes 3

Chuck Norris Jokes 4

Chuck Norris Jokes 5

GOOD CHUCK NORRIS JOKES

Chuck Norris's immune system single-handedly defeated the German army. The rest of the war was just for show.

Chuck Norris's hard nipples on a cold day are the best way to cut through diamond.

chuck norris once impaled a man with a single one of his pubes

nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole exept chuck norris he eats black holes. they taste like chicken

chuck norris died 20 years ago. death just never had the guts to tell him.

bruce lee killed chuck norris in the way of the dragon. to bad he died shortly after.

The titanic didn't sink because of an iceberg, Chuck Norris was just out for a swim.

God's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

Jesus died on the cross because he wanted to appear on a necklace across Chuck Norris's bare chest.

The reason God called himself "God" was because "Chuck Norris" was already taken.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.

Go to Google and type in "Find Chuck Norris" Then Click "I'm Feeling Lucky"

When people die, they go to hell. When hell dies, it goes to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Mr. T, Arnold Shcwarzzenger, and Chuck Norris are standing in front of God. God says to them,"I have call you three here because you are the greatest fighters in the world and I have a place for one of you at my right hand. You must prove to me whom of you it shall be." Mr. T steps and says "I pity the fool who doesn't let me sit at His right hand." God tells him that he was not good enough and sends Mr. T to hell. Arnold steps up and says "I was in predator, commando, the terminator. You must choose the governator." God tells him not good enough and sends Arnold to hell. God turns to Chuck Norris and say "Why should you sit beside me?" Chuck quickly proceeds to roundhouse kick God in the face and say "*****, your in my seat.

Chuck Norris can beat Halo 3 on Legendary...with a guitar hero controller!

Chuck Norris invented the tooth fairy, as a way to compensate for round house kicking everybody to the face.

Chuck norris once ate a bean supream and farted, the event is now known as the 1st nuclear bomb test.

Chuck Norris was suppose to have a twin brother but he did not survive chucks nine months practice of floating rondhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris has had thousands of lovers, but none of them ever satisfied Chuck Norris. He realized that the only person who could ever satisfy Chuck Norris...was Chuck Norris.

everytime chuck norris has sex he has to fix the hole in the wall the next morning

The continets didn't drift away from each other, they just found out that chuck norris was gunna be on america so they all ran away

chuck norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana

Originally Chuck Norris was to play froto in Lord of the Rings but turned the job down cause only a panzy needs 3 movies to destroy jewlery. Also Chuck Norris was originally cast to play the lead role on the show 24. The producers had to fire him after he killed all of the terrorists in 10 seconds.

Daddy didn't take her T-bird away... Chuck Norris did.

Chuck Norris is so strong that not only does he hold the whole world in his hands, but he also holds the holds the entire univerise.

There is a little Chuck Norris in everyone. No really. Listen to your inner Chuck Norris and roundhouse kick yourself in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris's dog picks up its own sh!t because Chuck Norris doesn't take sh!t from anybody

Chuck Norris doesn't THROW UP after a long night of partying...He THROWS DOWN!!!

Once while having sex in a trailer chuck norris's sperm accidentally got into the engine, you might know this trailer as Optimis Prime.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity-twice

Chuck Norris invented the phrase" put a foot in your mouth"

chuck norris has never kicked anyone's ass, but the mear sight of him makes you kick your own ass

When God sneezes, people say Chuck Norris bless you

Chuck Norris knows what Bo doesn't

Do u know how giraffes were born? Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a horse in the neck!

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who never met Chuck Norris!

Who would win the race between Batman and Superman to the moon???Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, he goes killing

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

Chuck Norris has 2 speeds...Walk and Kill.

AIDS was specifically designed to kill chuck norris. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin islands. Now there just the islands.

Chuck norris destroys whole continents. Ever heard of atlantis? nuff said

Devil didn't go down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal. Chuck Norris came down to hell and told him to get the **** out.

Chuck Norris once went to Wendy's and ordered a Big Mac...and got one.

Google no longer runs searches on Chuck Norris
You dont find chuck norris,
Chuck Norris finds you!

Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talking about

Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, if by 'knit' you mean kick and by 'sweaters' you mean babies :]
-Macy, TN

Chuck Norris is the real reason Mitt Romney dropped out of the presidential race.

Osama Bin Laden hates the USA because he is envious that Chuck Norris is there

She had fun fun fun alright... until Chuck Norris showed up.

Chuck Norris poops while standing up!

Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to a duel... that person is now known as Captain Hook.

Chuck Norris once took a very big dump...that dump is known as Mt. Everest (also, the leak he took with it is known as the Pacific Ocean).

The Bible used to be called Chuck Norris and Friends.

According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face...YESTERDAY!!

Chuck Norris counted to infinity...............TWICE!!!

The universe was created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a star in the face for being too bright.

Chuck Norris' sperm is so CRaZy that one time he impregnated a chick and seven months later she gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard in the face that that person was sent through a time rift into another dimension. That person is now known as Satan.

Christopher Reeves was one of the only people to survive an encounter with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

They say tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

Once on the filming of Walker, Texas Ranger, when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a stunt man, his foot went so fast that it traveled back in time and kicked Amelia Earnhart in the head on her last voyage.

God said "Let there be light" and Chuck Norris said "Say please".

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

There are no bombs, chuck norris just jumps out of a hellicopter and punches the ground.

When Chuck Norris pees, he clogs the toilet.

There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, he got what he deserved.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are three sides of the force, the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a covet in the back hills of Tunsca, nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional history.

Chuck Norris can say to a waitress, "can i have your number just kidding just kidding," and get it!

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

When Chuck Norris wants barbecue for lunch, he finds a pig and just looks at it. When the pig looks back at Chuck Norris, it instantly turns into a barbecue sandwich with colslaw and hushpuppies.

If Chuck Norris wants to go on the internet, he just stares at the monitor and keyboard. Then the computer and monitor will come on all bythemselves and the keyboard automatically types what Chuck Norris is thinking.

Chuck Norris laughter is the most feared sound on earth because it can only mean that he has killed again.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, may God help you.

p2412 — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 05:02:09 CDT

Chuck Norris Jokes Are The Best

The funny Chuck Norris jokes continue. Who needs television when you can add jokes to this wiki?

Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris Jokes 2

Chuck Norris Jokes 3

Chuck Norris Jokes 4

THESE CHUCK NORRIS JOKES ROCK!

Chuck Norris movies are real. This is why no actor in a Chuck Norris movie has ever won an Oscar.

The term "Reality T.V." was invented when people realized Chuck Norris movies were really Michael Moore Documentaries.

Edmund Hillary did not win a Nobel prize for climbing mount Everest on the morning of 29 May 1953. This is not because there is no Nobel prize for mountain climbing, it is because the highest point on earth in the morning is Chuck Norris's erect penis. It was Chuck Norris's girlfriend who won the Nobel prize.

Riddle: 300 Men walk into a bar. They find Chuck Norris drinking a beer, and all 3 of them say "Hi". Why?
Because the presence of Chuck Norris divides all men by 100.

In troubled times, it is said that Jesus saves. But that is only because Jesus knows Chuck Norris will save him.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road? He didn't. All roads cross the path Chuck Norris is heading.

The idea for the helicopter began when Igor Sikorsky watched Chuck Norris roundhouse kick a legion of chimpanzees many times. It was when he himself was roundhouse kicked in the head that the idea finally kicked in.

chuck norris built the holspital he was born in

chuck norris lost his virginity before his mom

For every one of Chuck Norris's punches, a new universe is created where his fist lands.
The LHC shut down recently because smashing atoms was no longer in Chuck Norris's best interest.

Chuck Norris does his laundry on the Eighth day of the week
In the begining there was nothing... But chuck Norris
And on the Eighth day, Chuck Norris created God
one man said to another 'You hear bout those WMDs in Iraq?' the second man looked blank then said 'But Chuck Norris lives in America.'
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time.

The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't ******* think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight.
He then drank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris killed a dog because he said it looked at him funny. (PS. the dog was a pug).

If you love you're girlfriend she loves Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the reason diapers were invented. (if you know what I mean)!

Chuck Norris lives in a pineapple.

Chuck Norris eats babies for breakfast.

chuck norris ate the pope the next day he craped out saiten

Chuck Norris doesent run from tornados tornadoes run from him.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure

When chuck norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck norrised.

Chuck Norris once shot down a german fighter pilot by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang."

The titanic wasn't really sunk by an iceburg. Chuck norris was just practicing underwater roundhouse kicks. The reason why there were survivors? He was only warming up.

The Story of Chuck Norris

Chuck created everything and everyone. Life started with nothing but giant lizards called dinosaurs. Chuck got pissed at their stupidity and although they say a meteor killed them Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked the Earth so hard that the shock wave killed them. This is also how Pangaea split into the continents. Then chuck went into hiding and did not surface again until Greek was formed. Alclema then was chosen by Chuck to give birth to him again. Alclema (although not stated in Greek mythology) acutely had 3 kids. One was Chuck, one tried to leave the womb first and got killed by chuck, and the last one was chuck's younger, weaker, brother Hercules. Chuck, 16 years after being born again, chucked Hercules into the sky and Hercules was never seen again. The reason Chuck did this was because Hercules said that he was manlier than Chuck. Chuck then left the earth and went to hell for 2 reasons, one because people didn’t respect him enough and chuck was graceful enough to spare everyone and two, to punch Hades in the face. Hades then, shamed with 2 horn like lumps on his head, legally changed his name to Satan. Chuck did not bring himself into the world again until about 3 B.C. then inserted himself into a virgin. Although Chuck could speak when born they let his parents name him anyway. They called him Jesus. The things they said Jesus did were actually his minor less violent achievements. No one can name them all but he did in fact build the Pyramids when he was 3. The reason his disciples did not write the more violent stuff down is because they wanted the Bible to be believable. Chuck did die on the cross and resurrected himself later. The reason he did this was to show the Jews and Greeks that he is invincible. He then killed everyone at his crucifixion. Around the time when Chuck left he had many different forms, each one to spread the knowledge of himself. Those people were known as the following; King Midas, Noah, Kansas Cuan, and King Tut. Which leads us to present day awsome.

Chuck Norris did a corkscrew into the Gulf of Mexico and Created Hurricane Katrina.

Chuck Norris doesn't move when he walks, the universe just moves around him.

If Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim on land.

Chuck Norris won The Game.

Sometimes Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks too hard. This phenominon is called a tornado.

There is no death, there is just Chuck Norris.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

M.C. Hammer found out the hard way the Chuck Norris can touch this.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, thats how many seconds you have left to live.

Sexist Jokes About Women

Muffdady — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 00:51:56 CDT

A jogger is running along one morning when he hears crying. He slows down and sees an armless, legless woman sitting at a table bawling. Heart heavy, he walks over and asks her what the problem is. Sniffling, she says, "I've never been hugged before.." The jogger leans over, hugs her, and smiles as he takes off. The next day the cripple is still there, crying again. The jogger slows down and asks her what the matter is this time. She leans over and wipes her snotty nose on the table and says, "I've never been kissed before.." The man leans over and lays a wet one on her cheek. He jogs off, waving bye to her smiling face. The next day, he jogs up and shes crying her eyes out yet again. The jogger runs over and asks her "what now?" The bleary-eyed woman looks up and says, "I've never been ****** before.." The man bends over, picks her up, and chucks her into a pool and calls, "Now your ******!"

Women...
HOW can you trust anything that has two A S S H O L E S, broke its own d i c k off, won't leave yours alone, says the exact opposite of what it means, and bleeds for a week every month and still lives??

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
-Nothing, you already told her twice.
<< Back to Sexist Jokes

Female Sexist Joke Forum

Sign into this wiki and click EasyEdit to add your favorite female sexist jokes. Yo' mama's not watching, so why not? If you want get your sexist battle on, read sexist jokes about men for inspiration, or check our the dumb blonde jokes.

2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in an d drowns immedietly. the second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. the grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, i'll go across the bridge.

""What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife"" -

a knife she got from the kitchen.

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.

i ****** everyones mum who reads this and sucked her ***** like a ice creem

Why did God make woman last?

He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.

A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank **** for that i thought i had gone deaf!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
(Adam Ferrara)

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the ***** cook in the dark!

Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.

How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard
Jack and jill went up the hill so jack can lick jills fanny,he got a shock and a mouthful ****. because jills a pre-op tranny (by b.scales)

Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.

How do you get a woman dizzy?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to go to a corner.

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

"Q:Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because your always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece."
Yeah right, a masterpiece who doesn't know the difference between you're and your.

how many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none she can cook in the dark

Yo Mama So Fat Jokes

comjkj — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 10:30:11 CST

yO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WHEN SHE WANTED A WATER BED THEY PUT A BLANKET OVER LAKE MICHIGAN!!BURNED!!

Yo mama's so fat, last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scales.
yp mamma so fat when she she sat on the toletit screamed "help me fat ladie one me!!!!help me help help me me!!!!"

Yo mama's so fat, it took me 5 years to get to the other side!
yo mama's so fat, they named her D. Pay-check-O :)
Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door.

Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms.

Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.

Yo Mama's so fat, that when she runs, it's like a TV in slow motion.

Yo Mama's so fat, that when she walks down the beach the whales come up and start singing : "we are family....even though your fatter than me! we are family...even though you could eat me!"

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.

Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.

Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fits all" to "One size fits most"

Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change radio stations.

Yo mama's so fat, she has smaller fat women orbiting around her!

Yo' mama's so fat, she wears two watches -- one for each time zone!

Yo mama's so fat, she put on a Malcolm X T-shirt and a helicopter tried to land on her

Yo mama's is so fat that when god said," Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ass out the way first!

Yo mama's is so fat, she wore guess jeans and the answer popped out.

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat she walked into a store wearing high heels and she came out wearing flip flops!!

Yo mama's so fat, Cal Tech had to adjust their sensors so they didn't detect an earthquake every time she got off the couch.

your mama is so fat that when she craps her ass looks like 2 pigs fighting over a milk dud

your mama is so fat that when god said `let there be light' he had to ask her to move

your mama is so fat that obi knobi said, that's no moon, that's your mama!

Your mama's so fat she sleeps in the garage and parks the van on her bed.

Yo momma is soooo fat.., she was baptized in seaworld!!

Yo mama is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.

Yo mama is so fat, her tumors get lost in the dark, sweaty abyss of her stomach.

Yo mama is so fat, she has more rolls then the Michelin man.

Yo mama is so fat, people need a map just to go around her.

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Yo mama's so fat, China keeps shouting for her to "stop stomping around up there."

Yo mama's so fat, her fingers have cottage cheese.

Yo mama's so fat. when she backs up all you hear is beep, beep, beep.

Yo mama so fat, when you slap her leg you can ride the wave.

Yo mamma so fat she has stretch marks on her toes!

Yo mamma so fat she puts mayonaise on her diet pills!

Yo mamma's so fat her feet never get wet when she takes a shower!

Yo mamma's so fat she is the only person I know that can play hide and go seek with her bellybutton!

Yo momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo momma's so fat, the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.

Yo momma's so fat when she walked down the beach the whales popped up and started singin "We are family! EVEN THO YA FATTA THEN ME!"

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up .

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat that when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama's so fat she has more rolls then the town’s bakery.

Yo mama's so fat, the only way to get her out of a telephone booth is to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie in the street.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles came out.

Yo mama's so fat, even God can't lift her spirits!

Yo mama's so fat, she holds up her stockings with hula-hoops.

Yo mama's so fat, she wore a red sweater and all of the kids pointed at her and said, "Kool-Aid Man!!!!".

Yo mama's so fat, she went outside in a yellow raincoat and people yelled taxi.

Yo mama's so fat, Christopher Columbus claimed her as the new world.

Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't pose for pictures, she poses for posters.

Yo mama's so fat that her belt size is the titled the "Equator".

Yo mama's so fat, her baby pictures were taken by satellite.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Get the f*** off."

Yo momma so fat she makes a fat boy look like Nicole Richie.

Yo Mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said: TO BE CONTINUED

Yo mama is so fat she went into a restaurant and when she left she was wrongly accused for stealing 5 hams.

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat that when she was in the ocean, Another boat came by and screamed: "SINKING SHIP"

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo mama so fat that when she was ciunting all of her rolls, she counted 1,000,000

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama so fat her freckles fell of her face!

Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

Yo mama so fat when she has sex she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks!

Y mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

YO MAMA SO FAT SHE LEFT IN HIGH HEELS AND CAME BACK IN FLIP FLOPES
Yo mama is so fat jokes continued on page 2.

Your moma is so fat, the Earth orbits around her!

yo mama so stupid she got locked in an unlocked bathroom!!!

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Yo Mama So Ugly Jokes

adzio — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 03:48:49 CST

yo mama so fugly shes ugly
your mama so ugly she made ray chrales blind

Yo mama is so ugly when she entered an ugly contest the judges said sorry no pros. Yo mama so ugly rice crispies won't talk to her.

your mama so ugly she makes brintey spears look hot

Yo mama so ugly that when you went to a concert it curled Nick Jonases blood so much it gave him diabetes!

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a sh*t wagon.

Yo mama so ugly when she looks in the mirror she says "he deserves this."

Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

Yo mama so ugly she looked out the window and the cops gave her a ticket for mooning

Yo' mama's so ugly she entered an ugly contest and they said 'sorry no professionals'

Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.

Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her.

Yo mama's so ugly, you put her in the kennel when you go on vacation.

Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it.

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.

Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."

Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.

Yo mama is so ugly, she was featured on the homepage of UglyFugly.com.

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows.

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a **** wagon.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"

Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo mama so ugly, people would rather see 2 girls and one cup than see her smile.

Yo mama's so ugly, when Yo father is having sex with her he puts two bags on her head in case one of them breaks.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.

Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.

Yo mama's so ugly, people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like you.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said "Twins."

Yo mama's so ugly, the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case.

Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a track cleat.

Yo mama is so ugly she makes my eyes bleed.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.

Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym.

Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful of pardons.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down.

Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.

Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on the couch face down.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then her face, and said "Twins!"

Yo mama's so ugly, all sorts ants, spiders, and worms could cover her face and it would be an improvement.

Yo mama's so ugly, she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step.

Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end.

Yo mama's so ugly, she pretends SHE's someone else when she's having sex.

Yo mama's so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time.

Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she ran through the whole damn forest.

Yo mama's so ugly, she uses her face for birth control.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama.

Yo mama's so ugly, when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry.

Yo mama's so ugly, I can f*ck her in any position and it is still considered doggy style.

Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night.

Yo mama's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order.

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!

Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her and her parents.

Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa into stone.

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so fat...

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Redneck Jokes

countygal83 — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 14:46:19 CST

Click EasyEdit to add your own jokes.

Redneck jokes

The redneck dog's neck was so red, another redneck asked why its neck was bleeding.	what does a redneck grl say after losing her virginity? get off dad, yor crushing my marlboros!
A redneck dog was so dumb that it thought he was a Read Neck Dog so he read his neck.	You might be a redneck if you drive someone to the hospital, driving an U-haul truck.
The redneck dog was so heavy that there was an earthquake!	You might be a redneck if you shot a game of pool, using a crutch that you hobble on.
A redneck dog was so dumb he tried to clean his neck because he thought it was blood when the other redneck asked why it was bleeding.

yo mama so fat

meredsterl — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 20:13:21 CST

yo mama so fat when she jumps the whole univers shakes and you can feel the viabrations from the other side of the world.

santa clause jokes.

mrmattmr — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 16:01:20 CST

Q: What is the difference between santa clause and a pimp?
A: Santa clause stops at three hoes.

Yo Mama Is So Stupid

jensselnunez11 — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 14:53:46 CST

your mama so stupid she said i will be back and you said where r u going and she said narina

your mama is so stupid that she tripped over a wireless phone

your mama is so stupid that she got expelled from the m&m factory because she threw away all the W's

your mama is so stupid that she put money in the parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out

your mama is so stupid that she called her son ass and her house crack, and when ass went missing, she called the cops and said, I can't find my ass anywhere, I looked up my crack but I couldn't find him!

Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband asked her what's for dinner, she opened her legs and answered, "Why honey, I'm having crabs."

Yo mama is so stupid she got ran over by a parked car!!
yo mama is so stupid she sat on the T.V. and watched the couch!

Yo Mama's so stupid, that her geometry test said "Find x", and she circled it and said "there it is."

Yo Mama's so stupid, I asked her for a hot dog and she put Fido in the microwave.

Yo Mama's So Stupid, She Climbed Over A Glass Door To See What Was On The Other Side!!
POPwiki :)

Yo mama's so stupid she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama's so stupid she stares at an orange juice carton every morning for an hour cause it says "concentrate"

Yo mama's so stupid she eats her food stamps.

Yo mama's so stupid that she took you into a room and asked you "Who's this Oscar Meyer kid and why do you want his wiener?"

Yo mama so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama's so dumb her friend asked her to go buy a color TV and she asked "What color?"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Yo mama's so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl

Yo mama's so dumb, that the Psychic Friends only charge her half price to read her mind!

Yo' mama so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample!

Yo mama's so stupid, she had your brother thrown in rehab, cause he was Hooked on Phonics

Yo mama's so stupid that she thought that babies came from the infantry

Yo mama's so stupid she sold her car to buy petrol.

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her it was chili outside so she went outside with a spoon.

Yo mama's so stupid someone said ''if you were locked in a car and you had nothing but a hammer how would you get out" and she said "bust the window".

Yo momma so stupid she took a fish out of the water because she thought it was drowning.

Yo mama's so stupid she went on Jeapordy and lost to George W. Bush.

Yo mama's so stupid she pisses in the sink to save on the gas bill.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama's so stupid she plays Russian Roulette with a Glock

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her to take out the trash and she moved!

Yo mama's so stupid she drove all the way to New Mexico with the handbrake on.

Yo mama's so stupid she talked into a mailbox and when the postman came and asked her what she was doing and she said she was sending a voicemail.

Yo mamma so stupid she sat on the TV and watched the couch!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid that when the computer said press any key to continue she couldn't find the key named anykey

yo mama so stuiped when you asked for a car she thought it was slang for bike

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so fat...

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Lawyer Jokes

californiadeputy — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 18:16:12 CST

An older gentleman, wearing a suit and tie, carrying a leather briefcase approaches the court house security officer. The officer asks, "Are you a lawyer, sir? The old man says, "Hell no! My parents were married when I was born!"

A rich old man gave his lawyer, his priest and his doctor each a million dollars on the condition that they put it in the coffin with him when he died so he could prove "you can take it with you". At the funeral, they all put in their envelopes, then the priest said " I have to be honest, part of the job you know, I only put 25% in. The rest went to the needy in my parish". The doc said "I better be honest too, I only put in half the money, the rest went to operations to save needy patients lives". The lawyer said, disdainfully, "How dare you not honor the last wishes of a dear old friend! I gave him a check for the whole amount!"
Click EasyEdit to add your favorite lawyer jokes.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets." (Unknown)

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what's your final question?" (Unknown)

What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. (Unknown)

What do you call a group of skydiving lawyers? Skeet. (Unknown)

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. (Unknown)

------------------------------------

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair."

----------------------------------------

A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi are marooned on a desert island surrounded by man-eating sharks. After a while their food and water run out and they are in danger of death.

Just then an otherwise empty rowboat containing a large barrel of water comes floating by. The three castaways are in agony - they must have the water, but to swim through the hungry sharks is certain death.

The lawyer says he will try it - the others beg him not to, saying "It's hopeless".

The lawyer swims out to the boat, grasps the painter rope in his teeth and tows it back to shore.

The sharks completely ignore him. When he gets back to shore they all begin talking at once:

PRIEST: It's a miracle! It's a miracle!.
LAWYER: That was no miracle.
RABBI: Well, what do you call it?
LAWYER: Where I come from, we call that "professional courtesy".

An contractor dies. At heavens door he is told that he shouldn't be there and that he will be sent to hell. Then when in hell Satan askes what the man can do for him. In a few years there is indoor plumbing, insulation, airconditioning and much more. St. peter asks calls satan to see what its like down there. Satan says its great now that we have your contractor. St. peter replies"you can't do that I'll sue!". Satan replies "o yea? where u gonna get a lawyer?"

------------------------------------------

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer.
How much is it or the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll
be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days
later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still
curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a
law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One
less lawyer . . ."

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Also snark at more accountant jokes, computer nerd jokes, doctor jokes, economist jokes, engineer jokes, lawyer jokes, or military jokes.

World Cup - Time for soccer jokes

footballshirts — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 15:16:11 CST

The World Cup 2006 just started!

It is the ideal time to exchange new and old jokes about soccer, teams, and the players. Did you just watch a game and the reporter made you laugh? Did your friend tell you the latest joke about the match? Share it with us!

Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.

God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. The devil proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

A World Cup 2010 joke:

Bill Maher Jokes

Aeroz — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 20:48:07 CST

Bill Maher on John McCain ******

Bill Maher on Sarah PalinMILF
Bill Maher on the Economy

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only ******* serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. I'm also a douche bag.

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." dsfljkljgkwsdjjklksdjlgsldkjglskdjglksjdg

They added up all the people in this country who sdlkfjdslijgpoiwjtoeijgfssafconsider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
asifjdisjgvnaskmflvcas
We have the Bill of Rights. What we asifjasifjasfjaklsfjaklsfjstart getting better taste in them.

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, "You knowlksajflkjaslkfjlaslajf what? Let's just grab lunch."

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because I'm a piece of ****.
Psychiatrists are no help. What do they tell you? "Well, we'll have to get back into your childhood to find the trauma." Who can't find the trauma in childhood? I'm two feet tall. I don't know what the f**k is going on. Everybody can beat me up. Gee, doc, you're a genius to find trauma there.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is for fags.
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.

I'm a self concious *******.

Doctor Jokes

thatredkiduknow — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:02:57 CST

Click EasyEdit to add your own doctor jokes.

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says, "You're crazy!" I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)

i couldnt be a doctor because i cant keep my opinions to myself. while lookin in someones throat with that fat toothpick "what the **** that?!""Thats gross"" Theyre so emotionally disturbed when im done. the phycologist works right next to me. He has some nerve to, he comes into my waiting room and gives ppl
theyre appointments for the next day.

See more job related joke categories >>

Also snark at more accountant jokes, computer nerd jokes, doctor jokes, economist jokes, engineer jokes, lawyer jokes, or military jokes.

Random thoughts

thatredkiduknow — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 14:48:17 CST

at age 4 success is not piddling your pants.
at age 12 success is having friends.
at age 17 success is having your drivers license.
at age 35 success is having money.
at age 50 success is having money.
at age 70 success is having your drivers license.
at age 75 success is having friends.
at age 80 success is not piddling your pants.

the worst thing you can say to your wife is that you dont need her. shes gonna use that crap against you at the worst time. shes not gonnause it when you want dinner or a ride to work shes gonna use it when you want some SEX! Thats right when your **** is popping up thats her cue."hey honey lets go upstairs and make some love." You dont need me *** on your own face!!"

Sexist jokes about men (edited)

majehdemon — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 07:02:37 CST

Q:What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and yelling your name?
A:You aren't holding the pillow long enough.
Edit: You're actually trying to do your job to please your man.

Q:Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Edit:Because women are so dumb they suck the good will out of man driving him to homicide.

Q: Why do all men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Edit: So we can be with someone semi-sentient.

Q; Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because your always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Edit: Check your grammar "masterpiece".

Male Sexist Jokes Wanted

Add your jokes poking at the male gender and let out some of that angst. Need inspiration? Read the female sexist jokes page, and you'll be rearing for payback.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
edit:Just one of us because women have become lazy and don't clean up after themselves.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
Edit:He gets a divorce.

What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.
Edit: Now lets make him a servant...

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Edit:Semi-sentient, because she picked a man instead of a boy.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Edit:Gives women less nag time.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Edit:no i have a headache

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Edit:Straight

A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari apperared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.
Edit: He then gave the man a book on english. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Edit: Because the woman feels she doesn't have to try to please anyone because her brain has been partially replaced by cellulite.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Edit: To treat him like a man, with respect.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
Edit:His wife is actually trying to make it work.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Edit:Because men aren't designed to be sensitive. We're designed to protect, nurturing is your job.

When would you want a man's company?
When he owns it.
Edit:When you realize plastic will never be as good as the real thing.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all
Edit:A lapdog to pay for the cheetah underwear she'll wear to tease another horse because shes a snake.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Edit:Put him in boots.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
Edit: Because women don't deserve any more attention.

A woman is in a terrible accident, and she needs to recieve a brain transplant. The doctor tells her, "Well, a man's brain costs $900,000 dollars and a woman's costs $100,000." She is extremely offended and asks why. The doctor smiles and says, "That's not sexism, it's standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the women's brains down because they've been used."
Edit: "Because they don't sell a timex for the price of a rolex."

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Edit:The women feel more comfortable in their enviroment at the circus.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Edit: The dog can walk away when you start complaining

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Edit:Twice as smart as a woman.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Edit:One isn't harassed by nagging and the other is envious.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
Edit:Hope its a boy.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Edit: Men want to marry virgins?!?

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Edit: So their girlfriends don't interrupt the game to feed.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Edit:Because a good leader knows the name of the soldier he sends into the jungle.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Edit:To give women a role model.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
Edit:If you can't tell its not really a man.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Edit:You can't, you're not strong enough. Get another man to do it.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you
Edit:They both prove women are full of crap.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
Edit:By running to get ice cream for your fat***.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Edit:To help them start breathing...what is this, hard?

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy
Edit: asleep

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
Edit:Lose some weight.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Edit:

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Edit:Women do it every month.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
Edit: Husband: "HALF!" oh how the tables have turned

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
Edit:He finally admits your fat.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
Edit:Women "forgetting" to take the pill for weeks at a time.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
Edit:Treadmill

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A lazy *****.
Edit:A harbinger of the apocalypse.

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!
Edit: So what did the female half add?

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Edit:They both would enjoy being farther away from you.

jesus

Witch_Boy — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 11:22:51 CST

The Street Preacher
A young street preacher starting yelling and screaming, "Repent or perish!!!" An elderly woman came up to him and said, "Son, might you think of a more tactful way to save souls? All your ranting only turns people off to the gospel." The man replied, "It's not my job to save souls, only God can do that. My duty is to preach."
Isaiah 7:14

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.

Existential Zingers

Witch_Boy — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 10:56:13 CST

Click EasyEdit to add your own existential zingers. New additions go on top.
What did love say to fear? Nothing. Love knows no fear.

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." -- funnyr.com

Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage? Do some people cook that stuff? (George Carlin)

People in hell...where do they tell someone to go? (Red Skelton)

I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did. (Auggie Cook)

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake nights wondering if there really is a dog. (unknown)

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!" He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." (Woody Allen ? - at the end of the film "Annie Hall")

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)

I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, “I don't know... look around, listen to the radio ...” (Bill Braudis)

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. (Janeane Garofalo)

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? (Steven Wright)

Let me ask you something--if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire? (Jerry Seinfeld)

Jokes - Recently Updated Pages

yo mama so ugly

Chuck Norris Jokes 4

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s ****.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******* Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

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Yo mama's so fat, last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scales.yp mamma so fat when she she sat on the toletit screamed "help me fat ladie one me!!!!help me help help me me!!!!"

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yo mama so fat when she jumps the whole univers shakes and you can feel the viabrations from the other side of the world.

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Existential Zingers

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon.

When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday.
Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

Yo mama's so fat, last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scales.
yp mamma so fat when she she sat on the toletit screamed "help me fat ladie one me!!!!help me help help me me!!!!"