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Sexist Jokes About Women

NickMorley743 — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:47:34 CST

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
-Nothing, you already told her twice.
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Female Sexist Joke Forum

Sign into this wiki and click EasyEdit to add your favorite female sexist jokes. Yo' mama's not watching, so why not? If you want get your sexist battle on, read sexist jokes about men for inspiration, or check our the dumb blonde jokes.

2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in an d drowns immedietly. the second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. the grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, i'll go across the bridge.

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.

i ****** everyones mum who reads this and sucked her ***** like a ice creem

Why did God make woman last?

He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.

A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank **** for that i thought i had gone deaf!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
(Adam Ferrara)

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the ***** cook in the dark!

Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.

How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard
Jack and jill went up the hill so jack can lick jills fanny,he got a shock and a mouthful ****. because jills a pre-op tranny (by b.scales)

Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.

How do you get a woman dizzy?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to go to a corner.

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

"Q:Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because your always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece."
Yeah right, a masterpiece who doesn't know the difference between you're and your.

Fail Jokes

xenis1 — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:28:53 CST

A man goes to Toys R Us and gets monopoly from the board game section. he walks over to the check out counter.
"that will be $12.99." says the cashier.
The man takes out his wallet and brings out $200 in monopoly money and says "will this cover it."
FAIL

Chuck Norris Jokes 5

xenis1 — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:47:30 CST

Chuck Norris Jokes Are The Best

The funny Chuck Norris jokes continue. Who needs television when you can add jokes to this wiki?

Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris Jokes 2

Chuck Norris Jokes 3

Chuck Norris Jokes 4

THESE CHUCK NORRIS JOKES ROCK!

chuck norris built the holspital he was born in

chuck norris lost his virginity before his mom

Chuck Norris does his laundry on the Eighth day of the week
In the begining there was nothing... But chuck Norris
And on the Eighth day, Chuck Norris created God
one man said to another 'You hear bout those WMDs in Iraq?' the second man looked blank then said 'But Chuck Norris lives in America.'
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time.

The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't ******* think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight.
He then drank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris killed a dog because he said it looked at him funny. (PS. the dog was a pug).

If you love you're girlfriend she loves Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the reason diapers were invented. (if you know what I mean)!

Chuck Norris lives in a pineapple.

Chuck Norris eats babies for breakfast.

chuck norris ate the pope the next day he craped out saiten

Chuck Norris doesent run from tornados tornadoes run from him.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure

When chuck norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck norrised.

Chuck Norris once shot down a german fighter pilot by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang."

The titanic wasn't really sunk by an iceburg. Chuck norris was just practicing underwater roundhouse kicks. The reason why there were survivors? He was only warming up.

The Story of Chuck Norris

Chuck created everything and everyone. Life started with nothing but giant lizards called dinosaurs. Chuck got pissed at their stupidity and although they say a meteor killed them Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked the Earth so hard that the shock wave killed them. This is also how Pangaea split into the continents. Then chuck went into hiding and did not surface again until Greek was formed. Alclema then was chosen by Chuck to give birth to him again. Alclema (although not stated in Greek mythology) acutely had 3 kids. One was Chuck, one tried to leave the womb first and got killed by chuck, and the last one was chuck's younger, weaker, brother Hercules. Chuck, 16 years after being born again, chucked Hercules into the sky and Hercules was never seen again. The reason Chuck did this was because Hercules said that he was manlier than Chuck. Chuck then left the earth and went to hell for 2 reasons, one because people didn’t respect him enough and chuck was graceful enough to spare everyone and two, to punch Hades in the face. Hades then, shamed with 2 horn like lumps on his head, legally changed his name to Satan. Chuck did not bring himself into the world again until about 3 B.C. then inserted himself into a virgin. Although Chuck could speak when born they let his parents name him anyway. They called him Jesus. The things they said Jesus did were actually his minor less violent achievements. No one can name them all but he did in fact build the Pyramids when he was 3. The reason his disciples did not write the more violent stuff down is because they wanted the Bible to be believable. Chuck did die on the cross and resurrected himself later. The reason he did this was to show the Jews and Greeks that he is invincible. He then killed everyone at his crucifixion. Around the time when Chuck left he had many different forms, each one to spread the knowledge of himself. Those people were known as the following; King Midas, Noah, Kansas Cuan, and King Tut. Which leads us to present day awsome.

Chuck Norris did a corkscrew into the Gulf of Mexico and Created Hurricane Katrina.

Chuck Norris doesn't move when he walks, the universe just moves around him.

If Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim on land.

Chuck Norris won The Game.

Sometimes Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks too hard. This phenominon is called a tornado.

There is no death, there is just Chuck Norris.

Yo Mama Is So Old Jokes

yomamakiler — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:41:49 CST

your mama so old she was in the movie year 1

your mama so old she said whos opha

Your momma is so old she delivered jesus
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died

Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

Yo mama's so old, she farts dust.

Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school.

Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!

Yo mama's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license.

Yo mama's is so old, when god said let there be light she flipped the switch.

Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.

Your mama is so old I found a fossil of her hair when I went to Death Valley in search of dinosaurs.

Yo mama's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party.

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Yo mama's so old that she taught Jesus Christ in 1st grade.

Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mama's so old that her birth certificate says "expired".

Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda.

Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired.

Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus 3 bucks

Yo mama's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on the Block.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.

Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.

Yo mama's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park.

Yo mama's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs.

Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote the Ten Commandments.

Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed bible.

Yo mama's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples.

Yo mama's so old, she knew Cap'n Crunch while he was still a private.

Yo mama's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white.

Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

Yo mama's so old, when I slapped her on the back her **** fell off.

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so fat...

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Yo Mama Is So Stupid

yomamakiler — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:24:28 CST

your mama so stupid she said i will be back and you said where r u going and she said narina

your mama is so stupid that she tripped over a wireless phone

your mama is so stupid that she got expelled from the m&m factory because she threw away all the W's

your mama is so stupid that she put money in the parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out

your mama is so stupid that she called her son ass and her house crack, and when ass went missing, she called the cops and said, I can't find my ass anywhere, I looked up my crack but I couldn't find him!

Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband asked her what's for dinner, she opened her legs and answered, "Why honey, I'm having crabs."

Yo mama is so stupid she got ran over by a parked car!!
yo mama is so stupid she sat on the T.V. and watched the couch!

Yo Mama's so stupid, that her geometry test said "Find x", and she circled it and said "there it is."

Yo Mama's so stupid, I asked her for a hot dog and she put Fido in the microwave.

Yo Mama's So Stupid, She Climbed Over A Glass Door To See What Was On The Other Side!!
POPwiki :)

Yo mama's so stupid she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama's so stupid she stares at an orange juice carton every morning for an hour cause it says "concentrate"

Yo mama's so stupid she eats her food stamps.

Yo mama's so stupid that she took you into a room and asked you "Who's this Oscar Meyer kid and why do you want his wiener?"

Yo mama so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama's so dumb her friend asked her to go buy a color TV and she asked "What color?"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Yo mama's so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl

Yo mama's so dumb, that the Psychic Friends only charge her half price to read her mind!

Yo' mama so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample!

Yo mama's so stupid, she had your brother thrown in rehab, cause he was Hooked on Phonics

Yo mama's so stupid that she thought that babies came from the infantry

Yo mama's so stupid she sold her car to buy petrol.

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her it was chili outside so she went outside with a spoon.

Yo mama's so stupid someone said ''if you were locked in a car and you had nothing but a hammer how would you get out" and she said "bust the window".

Yo momma so stupid she took a fish out of the water because she thought it was drowning.

Yo mama's so stupid she went on Jeapordy and lost to George W. Bush.

Yo mama's so stupid she pisses in the sink to save on the gas bill.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her to take out the trash and she moved!

Yo mama's so stupid she drove all the way to New Mexico with the handbrake on.

Yo mama's so stupid she talked into a mailbox and when the postman came and asked her what she was doing and she said she was sending a voicemail.

Yo mamma so stupid she sat on the TV and watched the couch!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid that when the computer said press any key to continue she couldn't find the key named anykey

yo mama so stuiped when you asked for a car she thought it was slang for bike

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so fat...

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Yo Mama So Ugly Jokes

yomamakiler — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:15:40 CST

your mama so ugly she made ray chrales blind

Yo mama is so ugly when she entered an ugly contest the judges said sorry no pros. Yo mama so ugly rice crispies won't talk to her.

your mama so ugly she makes brintey spears look hot

Yo mama so ugly that when you went to a concert it curled Nick Jonases blood so much it gave him diabetes!

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a sh*t wagon.

Yo mama so ugly when she looks in the mirror she says "he deserves this."

Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

Yo mama so ugly she looked out the window and the cops gave her a ticket for mooning

Yo' mama's so ugly she entered an ugly contest and they said 'sorry no professionals'

Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.

Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her.

Yo mama's so ugly, you put her in the kennel when you go on vacation.

Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it.

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.

Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."

Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.

Yo mama is so ugly, she was featured on the homepage of UglyFugly.com.

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows.

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a **** wagon.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"

Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo mama so ugly, people would rather see 2 girls and one cup than see her smile.

Yo mama's so ugly, when Yo father is having sex with her he puts two bags on her head in case one of them breaks.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.

Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.

Yo mama's so ugly, people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like you.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said "Twins."

Yo mama's so ugly, the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case.

Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a track cleat.

Yo mama is so ugly she makes my eyes bleed.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.

Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym.

Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful of pardons.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down.

Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.

Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on the couch face down.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then her face, and said "Twins!"

Yo mama's so ugly, all sorts ants, spiders, and worms could cover her face and it would be an improvement.

Yo mama's so ugly, she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step.

Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end.

Yo mama's so ugly, she pretends SHE's someone else when she's having sex.

Yo mama's so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time.

Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she ran through the whole damn forest.

Yo mama's so ugly, she uses her face for birth control.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama.

Yo mama's so ugly, when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry.

Yo mama's so ugly, I can f*ck her in any position and it is still considered doggy style.

Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night.

Yo mama's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order.

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!

Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her and her parents.

Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa into stone.

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so fat...

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Yo Mama So Fat Jokes

yomamakiler — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:14:46 CST

yo mama so fat obama couldnt see the white house for a week

Yo mama is soooo fat...
YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WHEN SHE WANTED A WATER BED THEY PUT A BLANKET OVER LAKE MICHIGAN!!BURNED!!

Yo mama's so fat, last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scales.

Yo mama's so fat, it took me 5 years to get to the other side!
yo mama's so fat, they named her D. Pay-check-O :)
Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door.

Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms.

Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.

Yo Mama's so fat, that when she runs, it's like a TV in slow motion.

Yo Mama's so fat, that when she walks down the beach the whales come up and start singing : "we are family....even though your fatter than me! we are family...even though you could eat me!"

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.

Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.

Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fits all" to "One size fits most"

Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change radio stations.

Yo mama's so fat, she has smaller fat women orbiting around her!

Yo' mama's so fat, she wears two watches -- one for each time zone!

Yo mama's so fat, she put on a Malcolm X T-shirt and a helicopter tried to land on her

Yo mama's is so fat that when god said," Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ass out the way first!

Yo mama's is so fat, she wore guess jeans and the answer popped out.

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat she walked into a store wearing high heels and she came out wearing flip flops!!

Yo mama's so fat, Cal Tech had to adjust their sensors so they didn't detect an earthquake every time she got off the couch.

your mama is so fat that when she craps her ass looks like 2 pigs fighting over a milk dud

your mama is so fat that when god said `let there be light' he had to ask her to move

your mama is so fat that obi knobi said, that's no moon, that's your mama!

Your mama's so fat she sleeps in the garage and parks the van on her bed.

Yo momma is soooo fat.., she was baptized in seaworld!!

Yo mama is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.

Yo mama is so fat, her tumors get lost in the dark, sweaty abyss of her stomach.

Yo mama is so fat, she has more rolls then the Michelin man.

Yo mama is so fat, people need a map just to go around her.

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Yo mama's so fat, China keeps shouting for her to "stop stomping around up there."

Yo mama's so fat, her fingers have cottage cheese.

Yo mama's so fat. when she backs up all you hear is beep, beep, beep.

Yo mama so fat, when you slap her leg you can ride the wave.

Yo mamma so fat she has stretch marks on her toes!

Yo mamma so fat she puts mayonaise on her diet pills!

Yo mamma's so fat her feet never get wet when she takes a shower!

Yo mamma's so fat she is the only person I know that can play hide and go seek with her bellybutton!

Yo momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo momma's so fat, the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.

Yo momma's so fat when she walked down the beach the whales popped up and started singin "We are family! EVEN THO YA FATTA THEN ME!"

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up .

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat that when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama's so fat she has more rolls then the town’s bakery.

Yo mama's so fat, the only way to get her out of a telephone booth is to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie in the street.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles came out.

Yo mama's so fat, even God can't lift her spirits!

Yo mama's so fat, she holds up her stockings with hula-hoops.

Yo mama's so fat, she wore a red sweater and all of the kids pointed at her and said, "Kool-Aid Man!!!!".

Yo mama's so fat, she went outside in a yellow raincoat and people yelled taxi.

Yo mama's so fat, Christopher Columbus claimed her as the new world.

Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't pose for pictures, she poses for posters.

Yo mama's so fat that her belt size is the titled the "Equator".

Yo mama's so fat, her baby pictures were taken by satellite.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Get the f*** off."

Yo momma so fat she makes a fat boy look like Nicole Richie.

Yo Mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said: TO BE CONTINUED

Yo mama is so fat she went into a restaurant and when she left she was wrongly accused for stealing 5 hams.

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat that when she was in the ocean, Another boat came by and screamed: "SINKING SHIP"

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo mama so fat that when she was ciunting all of her rolls, she counted 1,000,000

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama so fat her freckles fell of her face!

Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

Yo mama so fat when she has sex she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks!

Y mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

YO MAMA SO FAT SHE LEFT IN HIGH HEELS AND CAME BACK IN FLIP FLOPES
Yo mama is so fat jokes continued on page 2.

Your moma is so fat, the Earth orbits around her!

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Yo Mama's Teeth Are So Yellow

yomamakiler — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:06:11 CST

yo mama teeth so yellow she scared the **** out of michel myers

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like a cheeseburger.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, you'd think she's been blowin' the Simpsons.

Yo moma's teeth so yellow, she walked into a dark room and all she heard was "ughh, who turned on the light?"

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she approaches an intersection drivers step on the gas thinking it's a yellow light.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a Kraft Singles pack.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in her mouth.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it was corn.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybody said "I see the light!"

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, i can't believe it's not butter!

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow when she looks at old people say "Am i dead i see the light"!!!

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he told her to smile.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testing butter scotch.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns into lemonade.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.

When I looked at Yo mama's teeth, I didn't know whether to smile or to kick a field goal.

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so fat...

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Yo Mama Is So Hairy Jokes

yomamakiler — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:01:42 CST

Yo momma's so hairy, they filmed King Kong in her shower

Yo mommas so hairy even big foot was afraid of her

Yo mommas so hairy, you almost died of rugburn at birth!!

your mama so hariy when monsterquest saw here her the said bigfoot!
Yo mama so hairy, her armpit looks like Buckwheat in a headlock.

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

Yo mama is so fat and hairy she can't get her hair cut at a beauty salon. She has to hire a landscaping crew and lay in the yard while they go at her with the weed whackers.

Yo mama so hairy and short, that when she walked into Pet Smart with her husband the manager said, "Thanks for bringing our missing dog back!"

Yo mama so hairy, she has afros on her lips!

Yo mama's so hairy, she could be sold as a Chia pet.

Yo mama's so hairy, long haired hippies worship her.

Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.

Yo dog is so hairy- oh wait, sorry, i didn't mean to get your mama into this conversation.

Yo moma is so hairy, the only language she speaks is WOOKIE!! (arrrrgggg!)

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Yo mama is so fat...

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Yo Mama Is So Poor Jokes

yomamakiler — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:56:41 CST

Yo mamas so poor she was kicken a can down the street and I asked her wat she was doin and she said "movin"

Yo mama's so poor, she's got more furniture on her porch than in her house.

Yo Mama's so poor, she can't even pay attention.

Yo mama's so poor, I saw her doing headspins on a Cheerios box in front of Goodwill for a piece of Wonder bread.

Yo mama's so poor, when I rang the doorbell she leaned out the window and said "DING!"

Yo mama's so poor I walked in and moved a skate board out of the way, and she said "Stop moving the couch!"

Yo mama's so poor all she has is a coupon for the 99 cent store!

Yo mama's so poor, I came over for dinner and saw 3 beans on the table, I took one and she said "Don't be greedy."

Yo mama's so poor, I came over for dinner and she read me recipes.

Yo mam-ma is so poor when someone asked to go to the bathroom she said in the wood and take a left

Yo mama's so poor, she has to wear her McDonald's uniform to church.

Yo mama's so poor, she has to do drive-by shootings on the bus.

Yo Mama's so poor, that when I needed a penny at the cash register, I asked her for one, and she said, "You know how hard I worked to find that? You can't have my life savings!"

Yo mama's so poor, when I was taking family portraits for you and said "Cheese!" she went looking for the line.

Yo mama's so poor, I saw her wrestling a squirrel for a peanut.

Yo mama's so poor, she can't even put her two cents in this conversation.

Yo mama's so poor, I lit a match in her house and the roaches started singing "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord 'cause we got heat!"

Yo momma so poor, that when i asked to use the bathroom she said " pick a corner, any corner!"

Yo mama's so poor, when I walked in and asked "Whats for Dinner?" She pulled out a shotgun and said "Next person that moves!"

Yo mama's so poor, the bank repossessed her cardboard box.

Yo mama's so poor, when I saw her rolling some trash cans around in an alley, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Remodeling."

Yo mama's so poor, she has to take the trash IN.

Have you heard the story about the old lady that lived in a shoe? Well Yo mama is so poor, she lives in a flip flop.

Yo mama's so poor, I went through her front door and ended up in the back yard.

Yo mama's so poor, her front and back doors are on the same hinge.

Yo mama's so poor, she watches TV on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Yo mama's so poor, she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it airconditioning.

Yo mama's so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.

Yo mama's so poor, she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

Yo mama's so poor, when she heard about the last supper, she thought she ran out of food stamps.

Yo mama's so poor, I saw her shaking a can around and asked her what she was doing and she said "Redecorating."

Yo mama's so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers. Yo mama's so poor, when I went over to her house for dinner and grabbed a paper plate, she said "Don't use the good china!" Yo mama's so poor, burglars break in and leave money. Yo mama's so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo mama's so poor, even the republicans were willing to give her welfare. Your moma is so poor, she found a penny and thought she was the richest person ever!

Can't get enough of Yo mama? Check out more!

Your mama is so poor when she found out about dust she said I'm rich!!!!

your mama so poor when she said she was saving mins she threw away the phone

your mama so poor when she said letslook at the stars she looked up

Yo mama is so fat...

Yo mama is so hairy...

Yo mama is so old...

Yo mama is so poor...

Yo mama is so stupid...

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...

Yo mama is so ugly...

Sports Jokes

JakeLomazow — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:18:46 CDT

www.facebook.com Click EasyEdit to add your favorite sports jokes.

George Carlin: Football v. Baseball
Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values. I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a 20th-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park! Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet. In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it? Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty. In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick. In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness. Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog... In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch. Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings. Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness. In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

Linford Christie walks into a Golf Club and asks if he can play a round of golf. The club captain says "sorry no blacks are allowed on this golf course" So he runs to the next golf course and again he asks if he can play a round of golf the
club captain says "sorry no blacks are allowed on this golf course" So he runs to the next golf course and again he asks if he can play a round of golf and the club captain says "no chance, try the parkland golf course its only ten minutes down the road. Linford looks at him and says "do you know who I am" and the club captain says "you look familiar but I cant put a name to the face" Linford says "I'm Linford Christie"! And the club captain replies "well in that case it's only five minutes down the road"
Paul Weston
www.igotajoke4u.co.uk

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)

There's always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says, "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I'd fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

Mario Andretti has retired from racecar driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (John Stewart)

Horse racing... now here's something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don't even think the horses know they're racing. It's not like they're going back to the barn going "I was first" "I was second"...you cut me off there, watch that, next time I'll kick your ass." I'll tell you one thing the horses don't know--that if they fall and break their leg, we're gonna blow their brains out. I think they're missing that vital piece of information... if they did know, you'd see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch. (Jerry Seinfeld)

The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event. Although I think I have a problem with that silver medal. 'Cause when you think about it, you win the gold-you feel good, you win the bronze-you think "Well at least I got something." But when you win that silver it's like "Congratulations, you ‘almost’ won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You're the number one ‘loser.’ No one lost ahead of you!" (Jerry Seinfeld)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A priest is playing golf with a nun. On the first hole, he lines up his putt, swings, and misses the hole. "****, I missed," he yells.

The nun is shocked, but she thinks "maybe it was an accident" and they keep playing.

On the next hole, the priest lines up his putt, swings, and misses again. "****, I missed," he yells again. This time, the nun is starting to get concerned, but she knows the priest is a good man, so they keep on playing.

On the third hole, the priest once again lines up putt, swings, and misses. "****, I missed," he yelled for the third time. This time, the nun says, "I worried about you father, I think you should stop saying that." The priest just grumbles and keeps playing.

On the fourth hole, the priest lines up his putt, swings, and misses again. As he yells "****, I missed," a liightning bolt strikes down the nun.

The clouds part, and a voice says, "****, I missed."

yo mama so ugly

bulis7 — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:42:38 CDT

your mama so ugly she makes onion cry
yo mama so old her birthday expired

Dating & Sex Jokes

blackcat0183000 — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:18:25 CDT

Why don't women blink during sex?
They don't have time!

Cafe d'blond

Two blonds sitting in a cafe talking about pleasing themselves.
One says "OMG this morning I thought I was just having the most amazing orgasm ever then it started to burn and I realized I left the curling iron on it was awful!" The other one looks at her mouth hung open and says, "OMG I've done that before!"

(Sadly this is a true story I over heard the other morning *shakes head*)

Man and Camel

A man was riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert, so the man turned to his camel.

When he tried to position himself to have sex with his camel, the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused and started running away again. So, he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said, "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you mister."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

To Diet For
A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Ten pounds," he replies. "We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator. About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds! That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds." "We’ll send someone over." The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds! That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!" "Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot." The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!" About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

What She Likes

It’s the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date’s house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

“Have a seat,” the old man says. “Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute.” The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. “You know,” the dad says, “my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat.” He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. “Yup, yup,” the dad continues. “She loves that screwing. Just can’t get enough of it.”

When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. “Damn it, Daddy!” she screams. “The twist! It’s called the twist!”

Pet Sex Frog
A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only $20! Comes with complete instructions."
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

text people

minymoni — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:53:36 CDT


	Correct! Image
	Well done! Next question... -----

black jokes

roshy10 — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 09:48:53 CDT

There is no abstract available for this page revision.

jesus

blazestorm10 — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:01:00 CDT

There is no abstract available for this page revision.

jesus offensive

blazestorm10 — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:39:06 CDT

The son of the everlasting God is a stupid *****.

Jesus is a stupid *****

He has no brain, and was killed because he was a *****.

Send Jesus to hell, and burn him in flames

and is the dumb ***** of this world.

I am glad that they punched him in the face, and I am glad that they killed him.

He is the *****, the fool, the dummy, and the idiot

And his God is just as stupid as he is!

He is the scum of this earth, the ***** of *******

He has no intellect either, and a demon is what he is

He is the ***** that made us, but I don't love him.

God is a stupid *****

God is a dumb ass idiot

God is **** that needs to be swept of the face of the earth

yo mama so black

sameon12 — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 22:38:43 CDT

YO MAMA SO BLACK THAT WHEN THE POLICE SHOT HER THE BULLETS CAME BACK FOR FLASH LIGHTS!

Chuck Norris Jokes 2

Bonescar — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 17:58:24 CDT

More Funny Chuck Norris Jokes...

Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris Jokes 3

Chuck Norris Jokes 4

Chuck Norris Jokes 5

GOOD CHUCK NORRIS JOKES

chuck norris once impaled a man with a single one of his pubes

nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole exept chuck norris he eats black holes. they taste like chicken

chuck norris died 20 years ago. death just never had the guts to tell him.

bruce lee killed chuck norris in the way of the dragon. to bad he died shortly after.

The titanic didn't sink because of an iceberg, Chuck Norris was just out for a swim.

God's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.

Go to Google and type in "Find Chuck Norris" Then Click "I'm Feeling Lucky"

When people die, they go to hell. When hell dies, it goes to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Mr. T, Arnold Shcwarzzenger, and Chuck Norris are standing in front of God. God says to them,"I have call you three here because you are the greatest fighters in the world and I have a place for one of you at my right hand. You must prove to me whom of you it shall be." Mr. T steps and says "I pity the fool who doesn't let me sit at His right hand." God tells him that he was not good enough and sends Mr. T to hell. Arnold steps up and says "I was in predator, commando, the terminator. You must choose the governator." God tells him not good enough and sends Arnold to hell. God turns to Chuck Norris and say "Why should you sit beside me?" Chuck quickly proceeds to roundhouse kick God in the face and say "*****, your in my seat.

Chuck Norris can beat Halo 3 on Legendary...with a guitar hero controller!

Chuck Norris invented the tooth fairy, as a way to compensate for round house kicking everybody to the face.

Chuck norris once ate a bean supream and farted, the event is now known as the 1st nuclear bomb test.

Chuck Norris was suppose to have a twin brother but he did not survive chucks nine months practice of floating rondhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris has had thousands of lovers, but none of them ever satisfied Chuck Norris. He realized that the only person who could ever satisfy Chuck Norris...was Chuck Norris.

everytime chuck norris has sex he has to fix the hole in the wall the next morning

The continets didn't drift away from each other, they just found out that chuck norris was gunna be on america so they all ran away

chuck norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana

Originally Chuck Norris was to play froto in Lord of the Rings but turned the job down cause only a panzy needs 3 movies to destroy jewlery. Also Chuck Norris was originally cast to play the lead role on the show 24. The producers had to fire him after he killed all of the terrorists in 10 seconds.

Daddy didn't take her T-bird away... Chuck Norris did.

Chuck Norris is so strong that not only does he hold the whole world in his hands, but he also holds the holds the entire univerise.

There is a little Chuck Norris in everyone. No really. Listen to your inner Chuck Norris and roundhouse kick yourself in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris's dog picks up its own sh!t because Chuck Norris doesn't take sh!t from anybody

Chuck Norris doesn't THROW UP after a long night of partying...He THROWS DOWN!!!

Once while having sex in a trailer chuck norris's sperm accidentally got into the engine, you might know this trailer as Optimis Prime.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity-twice

Chuck Norris invented the phrase" put a foot in your mouth"

chuck norris has never kicked anyone's ass, but the mear sight of him makes you kick your own ass

When God sneezes, people say Chuck Norris bless you

Chuck Norris knows what Bo doesn't

Do u know how giraffes were born? Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a horse in the neck!

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who never met Chuck Norris!

Who would win the race between Batman and Superman to the moon???Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, he goes killing

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

Chuck Norris has 2 speeds...Walk and Kill.

AIDS was specifically designed to kill chuck norris. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin islands. Now there just the islands.

Chuck norris destroys whole continents. Ever heard of atlantis? nuff said

Devil didn't go down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal. Chuck Norris came down to hell and told him to get the **** out.

Chuck Norris once went to Wendy's and ordered a Big Mac...and got one.

Google no longer runs searches on Chuck Norris
You dont find chuck norris,
Chuck Norris finds you!

Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talking about

Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, if by 'knit' you mean kick and by 'sweaters' you mean babies :]
-Macy, TN

Chuck Norris is the real reason Mitt Romney dropped out of the presidential race.

Osama Bin Laden hates the USA because he is envious that Chuck Norris is there

She had fun fun fun alright... until Chuck Norris showed up.

Chuck Norris poops while standing up!

Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to a duel... that person is now known as Captain Hook.

Chuck Norris once took a very big dump...that dump is known as Mt. Everest (also, the leak he took with it is known as the Pacific Ocean).

The Bible used to be called Chuck Norris and Friends.

According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face...YESTERDAY!!

Chuck Norris counted to infinity...............TWICE!!!

The universe was created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a star in the face for being too bright.

Chuck Norris' sperm is so CRaZy that one time he impregnated a chick and seven months later she gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard in the face that that person was sent through a time rift into another dimension. That person is now known as Satan.

Christopher Reeves was one of the only people to survive an encounter with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

They say tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

Once on the filming of Walker, Texas Ranger, when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a stunt man, his foot went so fast that it traveled back in time and kicked Amelia Earnhart in the head on her last voyage.

God said "Let there be light" and Chuck Norris said "Say please".

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

There are no bombs, chuck norris just jumps out of a hellicopter and punches the ground.

When Chuck Norris pees, he clogs the toilet.

There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, he got what he deserved.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are three sides of the force, the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a covet in the back hills of Tunsca, nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional history.

Chuck Norris can say to a waitress, "can i have your number just kidding just kidding," and get it!

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

When Chuck Norris wants barbecue for lunch, he finds a pig and just looks at it. When the pig looks back at Chuck Norris, it instantly turns into a barbecue sandwich with colslaw and hushpuppies.

If Chuck Norris wants to go on the internet, he just stares at the monitor and keyboard. Then the computer and monitor will come on all bythemselves and the keyboard automatically types what Chuck Norris is thinking.

Chuck Norris laughter is the most feared sound on earth because it can only mean that he has killed again.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, may God help you.

Sexist Jokes About Men

LarztheSeventh — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 17:53:37 CDT

<<Back to Sexist Jokes
Q:What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and yelling your name?
A:You aren't holding the pillow long enough.

Q:Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q: Why do all men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q; Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because your always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Male Sexist Jokes Wanted

Add your jokes poking at the male gender and let out some of that angst. Need inspiration? Read the female sexist jokes page, and you'll be rearing for payback.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari apperared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

When would you want a man's company?
When he owns it.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

A woman is in a terrible accident, and she needs to recieve a brain transplant. The doctor tells her, "Well, a man's brain costs $900,000 dollars and a woman's costs $100,000." She is extremely offended and asks why. The doctor smiles and says, "That's not sexism, it's standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the women's brains down because they've been used."

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A dog only takes a couple of months to train

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A lazy *****.

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

Jokes - Recently Updated Pages

Sexist Jokes About Women

Female Sexist Joke Forum

Fail Jokes

Chuck Norris Jokes 5

Chuck Norris Jokes Are The Best

Yo Mama Is So Old Jokes

Yo Mama Is So Stupid

Yo Mama So Ugly Jokes

Yo Mama So Fat Jokes

Yo mama is soooo fat...YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WHEN SHE WANTED A WATER BED THEY PUT A BLANKET OVER LAKE MICHIGAN!!BURNED!!Yo mama's so fat, last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scales.

Yo Mama's Teeth Are So Yellow

Yo Mama Is So Hairy Jokes

Yo Mama Is So Poor Jokes

Sports Jokes

yo mama so ugly

Dating & Sex Jokes

text people

Correct!

black jokes

jesus

jesus offensive

yo mama so black

Chuck Norris Jokes 2

Sexist Jokes About Men

Yo mama is soooo fat...
YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WHEN SHE WANTED A WATER BED THEY PUT A BLANKET OVER LAKE MICHIGAN!!BURNED!!

Yo mama's so fat, last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scales.