Woody Allen on Death | Woody Allen on God | Woody Allen on Sex & Love | More Woody Allen Jokes

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.