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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.