Woody Allen on Death	Woody Allen on Life
Woody Allen on God	Woody Allen on Sex & Love

Woody Allen on LifeYou can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it. If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe. What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Woody Allen on God

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

More Woody Allen Jokes

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

By love, of course, I refer to romantic love—the love between man and woman, rather that between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I think you should defend to the death [the KKK's] right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded... dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm really a timid person. I was beaten up by Quakers.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

I'm so excited—I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.