What is the funniest joke ever?

Several attempts have been made to determine the all-time funniest jokes. In the early days of the 21st century, a British psychologist named Dr. Richard Wiseman (yeah, right) from the University of Hertfordshire launched a website where people could rate and submit jokes. He received more than 40,000 submissions and almost two million ratings from people around the world who apparently were trying to avoid doing their real jobs. The highest-rated joke follows:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Monty Python's Flying Circus did a sketch about the "Funniest Joke in the World" in which a writer named Ernest Scribbler wrote down a joke so funny that he instantly died of laughter:

"It was obvious the joke was lethal. No one could read it and live," the narrator intones. So, in the sketch, the British decide to use the deadly joke as a weapon against the Germans in World War II. A Colonel says:

"All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in the hospital."

Back in the United States, the magazine GQ decided to make a mockery of the many "all-time greatest" lists being produced on the eve of the millennium by ranking the75 Funniest Jokes of All Time. The magazine solicited input from dozens of comedians and TV writers, including Larry David, Larry Gelbart, Dick Cavett, and Al Franken. In the magazine's top ten were such classics as:

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" --Steven Wright

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."