Born December 6, 1955, in Burlington, Massachusetts, Wright is known for his deadpan delivery.


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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Okay, so what's the speed of dark?

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?'

Okay, so what's the speed of dark?Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

What's another word for Thesaurus?I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I put some instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.