There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush? I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough? Somebody shoot me in the face.

On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.

Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.

I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.
Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Bill O'Reilly Doesn't Report on Rumors