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George Carlin: Football v. Baseball Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values. I enjoy comparing baseball and football: Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a 20th-century technological struggle. Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park! Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium. Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying. In football you wear a helmet. In baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs - what down is it? Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up? In football you receive a penalty. In baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick. In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness. Baseball has the sacrifice. Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog... In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play. Baseball has the seventh inning stretch. Football has the two minute warning. Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings. Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death. In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness. In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being. And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different: In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

Linford Christie walks into a Golf Club and asks if he can play a round of golf. The club captain says "sorry no blacks are allowed on this golf course" So he runs to the next golf course and again he asks if he can play a round of golf the
club captain says "sorry no blacks are allowed on this golf course" So he runs to the next golf course and again he asks if he can play a round of golf and the club captain says "no chance, try the parkland golf course its only ten minutes down the road. Linford looks at him and says "do you know who I am" and the club captain says "you look familiar but I cant put a name to the face" Linford says "I'm Linford Christie"! And the club captain replies "well in that case it's only five minutes down the road"
Paul Weston
www.igotajoke4u.co.uk

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)


In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)

There's always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says, "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I'd fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

Mario Andretti has retired from racecar driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (John Stewart)

Horse racing... now here's something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don't even think the horses know they're racing. It's not like they're going back to the barn going "I was first" "I was second"...you cut me off there, watch that, next time I'll kick your ass." I'll tell you one thing the horses don't know--that if they fall and break their leg, we're gonna blow their brains out. I think they're missing that vital piece of information... if they did know, you'd see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch. (Jerry Seinfeld)

The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event. Although I think I have a problem with that silver medal. 'Cause when you think about it, you win the gold-you feel good, you win the bronze-you think "Well at least I got something." But when you win that silver it's like "Congratulations, you ‘almost’ won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You're the number one ‘loser.’ No one lost ahead of you!" (Jerry Seinfeld)

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There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

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A priest is playing golf with a nun. On the first hole, he lines up his putt, swings, and misses the hole. "Shit,"****, I missed," he yells.

The nun is shocked, but she thinks "maybe it was an accident" and they keep playing.

On the next hole, the priest lines up his putt, swings, and misses again. "Shit,"****, I missed," he yells again. This time, the nun is starting to get concerned, but she knows the priest is a good man, so they keep on playing.

On the third hole, the priest once again lines up putt, swings, and misses. "Shit,"****, I missed," he yelled for the third time. This time, the nun says, "I worried about you father, I think you should stop saying that." The priest just grumbles and keeps playing.

On the fourth hole, the priest lines up his putt, swings, and misses again. As he yells "shit,"****, I missed," a liightning bolt strikes down the nun.

The clouds part, and a voice says, "shit,"****, I missed."