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| Version | User | Scope of changes |
|---|---|---|
| Apr 13 2010, 3:02 PM EDT (current) | Skippy655 | 9 words added, 402 words deleted |
| Dec 29 2009, 8:02 AM EST | majehdemon | 10 words added |
Changes
Key: Additions Deletions
Q:What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and yelling your name?
A:You aren't holding the pillow long enough.
Edit: You're actually trying to do your job to please your man.
Q:Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Edit:Because women are so dumb they suck the good will out of man driving him to homicide.
Q: Why do all men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Edit: So we can be with someone semi-sentient.
Q; Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because youryou're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.Edit: Check your grammar "masterpiece".
Male Sexist Jokes Wanted
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
edit:Just one of us because women have become lazy and don't clean up after themselves.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
Edit:He gets a divorce.
What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.
Edit: Now lets make him a servant...
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Edit:Semi-sentient, because she picked a man instead of a boy.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Edit:Gives women less nag time.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Edit:no i have a headache
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Edit:Straight
A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders.boulders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari apperaredappeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.
Edit: He then gave the man a book on english. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Edit: Because the woman feels she doesn't have to try to please anyone because her brain has been partially replaced by cellulite.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Edit: To treat him like a man, with respect.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
Edit:His wife is actually trying to make it work.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Edit:Because men aren't designed to be sensitive. We're designed to protect, nurturing is your job.
When would you want a man's company?
When he owns it.
Edit:When you realize plastic will never be as good as the real thing.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all
Edit:A lapdog to pay for the cheetah underwear she'll wear to tease another horse because shes a snake.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Edit:Put him in boots.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
Edit: Because women don't deserve any more attention.
A woman is in a terrible accident, and she needs to recievereceive a brain transplant. The doctor tells her, "Well, a man's brain costs $900,000 dollars and a woman's costs $100,000." She is extremely offended and asks why. The doctor smiles and says, "That's not sexism, it's standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the women's brains down because they've been used."
Edit: "Because they don't sell a timex for the price of a rolex."
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk. Edit:The women feel more comfortable in their enviroment at the circus.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Edit: The dog can walk away when you start complaining
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Edit:Twice as smart as a woman.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. Edit:One isn't harassed by nagging and the other is envious.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
Edit:Hope its a boy.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism. Edit: Men want to marry virgins?!?
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing. Edit: So their girlfriends don't interrupt the game to feed.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions. Edit:Because a good leader knows the name of the soldier he sends into the jungle.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Edit:To give women a role model.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
Edit:If you can't tell its not really a man.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. Edit:You can't, you're not strong enough. Get another man to do it.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of youEdit:They both prove women are full of crap.you.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytimeevery time they see a bikini Edit:By running to get ice cream for your fat***.bikini.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones. Edit:To help them start breathing...what is this, hard?
What do you call a handcuffed man?
TrustworthyEdit: asleepTrustworthy.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
Edit:Lose some weight.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Edit:
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Edit:Women do it every month.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
Edit: Husband: "HALF!" oh how the tables have turned
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week. Edit:He finally admits your fat.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
Edit:Women "forgetting" to take the pill for weeks at a time.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
Edit:Treadmill
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A lazy *****. Edit:A harbinger of the apocalypse.
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain! Edit: So what did the female half add?
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Edit:They both would enjoy being farther away from you.
A:You aren't holding the pillow long enough.
Edit: You're actually trying to do your job to please your man.
Q:Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Edit:Because women are so dumb they suck the good will out of man driving him to homicide.
Q: Why do all men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Edit: So we can be with someone semi-sentient.
Q; Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because youryou're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.Edit: Check your grammar "masterpiece".
Male Sexist Jokes Wanted
Add your jokes poking at the male gender and let out some of that angst. Need inspiration? Read the female sexist jokes page, and you'll be rearing for payback.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
edit:Just one of us because women have become lazy and don't clean up after themselves.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
Edit:He gets a divorce.
What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.
Edit: Now lets make him a servant...
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Edit:Semi-sentient, because she picked a man instead of a boy.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Edit:Gives women less nag time.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Edit:no i have a headache
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Edit:Straight
A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders.boulders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari apperaredappeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.
Edit: He then gave the man a book on english. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Edit: Because the woman feels she doesn't have to try to please anyone because her brain has been partially replaced by cellulite.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Edit: To treat him like a man, with respect.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
Edit:His wife is actually trying to make it work.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Edit:Because men aren't designed to be sensitive. We're designed to protect, nurturing is your job.
When would you want a man's company?
When he owns it.
Edit:When you realize plastic will never be as good as the real thing.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all
Edit:A lapdog to pay for the cheetah underwear she'll wear to tease another horse because shes a snake.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Edit:Put him in boots.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
Edit: Because women don't deserve any more attention.
A woman is in a terrible accident, and she needs to recievereceive a brain transplant. The doctor tells her, "Well, a man's brain costs $900,000 dollars and a woman's costs $100,000." She is extremely offended and asks why. The doctor smiles and says, "That's not sexism, it's standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the women's brains down because they've been used."
Edit: "Because they don't sell a timex for the price of a rolex."
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk. Edit:The women feel more comfortable in their enviroment at the circus.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Edit: The dog can walk away when you start complaining
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Edit:Twice as smart as a woman.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. Edit:One isn't harassed by nagging and the other is envious.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
Edit:Hope its a boy.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism. Edit: Men want to marry virgins?!?
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing. Edit: So their girlfriends don't interrupt the game to feed.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions. Edit:Because a good leader knows the name of the soldier he sends into the jungle.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Edit:To give women a role model.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
Edit:If you can't tell its not really a man.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. Edit:You can't, you're not strong enough. Get another man to do it.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of youEdit:They both prove women are full of crap.you.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytimeevery time they see a bikini Edit:By running to get ice cream for your fat***.bikini.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones. Edit:To help them start breathing...what is this, hard?
What do you call a handcuffed man?
TrustworthyEdit: asleepTrustworthy.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
Edit:Lose some weight.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Edit:
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Edit:Women do it every month.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
Edit: Husband: "HALF!" oh how the tables have turned
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week. Edit:He finally admits your fat.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
Edit:Women "forgetting" to take the pill for weeks at a time.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
Edit:Treadmill
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A lazy *****. Edit:A harbinger of the apocalypse.
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain! Edit: So what did the female half add?
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Edit:They both would enjoy being farther away from you.
