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Sexist jokes about men (edited)
Q:What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and yelling your name?
A:You aren't holding the pillow long enough.
Q:Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Q: Why do all men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q; Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Male Sexist Jokes Wanted
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush boulders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari appeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
When would you want a man's company?
When he owns it.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
A woman is in a terrible accident, and she needs to receive a brain transplant. The doctor tells her, "Well, a man's brain costs $900,000 dollars and a woman's costs $100,000." She is extremely offended and asks why. The doctor smiles and says, "That's not sexism, it's standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the women's brains down because they've been used."
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A dog only takes a couple of months to train
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A lazy *****.
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
A:You aren't holding the pillow long enough.
Q:Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Q: Why do all men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q; Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Male Sexist Jokes Wanted
Add your jokes poking at the male gender and let out some of that angst. Need inspiration? Read the female sexist jokes page, and you'll be rearing for payback.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush boulders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari appeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
When would you want a man's company?
When he owns it.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
A woman is in a terrible accident, and she needs to receive a brain transplant. The doctor tells her, "Well, a man's brain costs $900,000 dollars and a woman's costs $100,000." She is extremely offended and asks why. The doctor smiles and says, "That's not sexism, it's standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the women's brains down because they've been used."
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A dog only takes a couple of months to train
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A lazy *****.
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
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Skippy655 |
Latest page update: made by Skippy655
, Apr 13 2010, 3:02 PM EDT
(about this update
About This Update
Edited by Skippy655
9 words added 402 words deleted view changes - complete history) |
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| Started By | Thread Subject | Replies | Last Post | ||
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| majehdemon | Please enjoy | 1 | Apr 13 2010, 10:45 PM EDT by not.to.mess.with | ||
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Thread started: Dec 29 2009, 7:50 AM EST
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I felt it was my duty to correct this stain upon us males that is unintelligent humor which only appeals to, well obviously women :)
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