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Sarah Silverman Jokes

Sarah for The Great Schlep

My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

I feel bad for Lindsay Lohan, obviously. She just makes me sad. I know. What happened to that poor, sweet, freckle-faced little girl who only went to rehab once? She needs structure. She needs a father figure. You know what I mean? She needs someone that will take the time to tell her that she is a rude little pig.

I've got a long neck. It's the best of my many good features. Swan-like. It's six inches, when flaccid.

I dated a guy who was half-black, but he totally dumped me because I'm such a loser. Wow! I just heard myself say that. I am such a pessimist... He's actually half-white.

I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin.

My genes are poisoned, and I know that for a fact. My sister Laura is the family historian, you know, and she found out -- we're Russian and Polish, ya know, Jews -- she found out that the village that our great-great-great-grandmother came from in Russia was raped and pillaged by -- and I don't even know what pillaged means, but definitely raped -- by Mongolians. So I'm, I am part Mongolian rapist. And I will be totally honest with you: I love it. I just feel like it gives me street cred or something, like it's so... and I also feel like, even back then, even while my great-great-great-grandmother was being raped, even then I think she knew, ya know, this is gonna be funny someday.

In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail. The judge says that it's going to be a no-frills thing, and that is ridiculous. She is totally gonna get special treatment. As a matter of fact, I heard that to make her feel, like, more comfortable in prison, the guards are gonna paint the bars to look like penises. I think it's wrong, too. I just worry that she's gonna break her teeth on those things.

If my boyfriend and I ever have a kid, we'll just be honest with it. We'll say that Mommy is one of God's chosen people, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic!

I was raped by a doctor... Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

They put my name in all the papers, calling me a racist. And it hurt, ya know? As a Jew, you know, as a member of the Jewish community, I was really concerned, you know, that we were losing control of the media.

katia2525	Latest page update: made by katia2525 , Sep 26 2008, 5:09 PM EDT (about this update About This Update Edited by katia2525 5 words added 1 widget added view changes - complete history)
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