Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, who had her baby. They named the baby Tripp, which is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby.

And it's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back.

A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did during the presidential campaign. Yeah. I believe the political organization is called the Democratic Party.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. ... But, see, like most internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin's voice, the turkeys said 'Kill us now.'

Well, according to MSNBC, Sarah Palin could get $7 million when she signs her book deal, $7 million. You know who's really excited about this? Neiman Marcus.

When Sarah Palin heard about McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with terrorists.

Well, the National Enquirer now says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage of yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that's the National Enquirer. Are you going to believe them? Come on. Hey, these are the same people who, a year ago, said John Edwards was having an affair. See what I'm saying?

Actually, Sarah Palin is being courted by a lot of big Hollywood talent agencies. The rumor is she could get her own talk show. She'd be a lot like Rush Limbaugh, but with smaller breasts.
Sarah Palin is all over the news lately. She told Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show that, yes, the rumors were true, on election night she did want to deliver her own concession speech and she was disappointed that she couldn't. Well, she shouldn't feel bad. Wait till 2012. Deliver it then.

After the election, Barack Obama's family in Kenya slaughtered 4 bulls, 16 chickens and an assortment of goats out of happiness. And in Alaska, out of anger, Sarah Palin slaughtered 4 bears, 16 moose and a bunch of foxes.

Sarah Palin is finally speaking to reporters. And whoo, not a moment too soon, huh? Last night, she was on Fox News with Greta Van Susteren. Today, she was on the 'Today' show with Matt Lauer. In fact, this week, she's going to speak to a bunch of other governors in Miami. Then she's going to go on a long tour to return clothes to different department stores all across America.

Actually, Governor Palin is continuing to defend herself about that clothes issue. She says she has never even stepped foot in a Neiman Marcus. In fact, she thought Neiman Marcus was the president of the Philippines.

Everybody seems to be ganging up on Sarah Palin lately. Have you noticed that? Oh, boy. Now, when she goes hunting, the moose return fire. That's how bad it's gotten.

Well, Sarah Palin continuing to speak out. She said she now knows Africa is not a country. She also knows that, with the campaign over, she's looking forward to a nice, relaxing vacation in the nation of Hawaii.

And the controversy continuing over those clothes she bought, or the Republicans bought, or the Republicans want the clothes back. Do you know this story? I say, let Sarah Palin keep the clothes. She can have the clothes. What are a bunch of male Republicans going to do with a bunch of women's clothes? I guess that's kind of creepy.

Well, according to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. That's what it says. It says she's been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats.

Of course, everybody now is speculating what the future of the GOP will be. GOP now stands for, of course, 'Ganging up on Palin.'

The rumor is the GOP is blaming Sarah Palin for losing the election. But to be fair, Sarah Palin didn't pick Sarah Palin. Isn't that right?

Did you see this story in Newsweek this week? One of the things they complained about, that when some campaign staffers went up to Sarah Palin's hotel room to talk to her, she answered the door wearing nothing but a towel. Apparently, some of the guys on the campaign staff complained. Yeah, yeah, the ones it didn't happen to.
Rumor is, still a lot of infighting within the McCain campaign, between the Palin people and the McCain people. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but earlier today, Sarah Palin put McCain's campaign bus on eBay.

Of course, a lot of famous sound bites will be remembered for this campaign. There were some good ones. Barack Obama saying, what was his one? Oh, 'We are the change that we seek.' John McCain saying, 'I would rather lose an election than lose a war.' Sarah Palin saying, 'Do you have this in size 6?'

You know who is really, really happy that John McCain did not win last night? The boyfriend of Sarah Palin's daughter. He doesn't have to get married now. 'Whew, thank God!'

Actually, Sarah Palin was pretty upset last night. Did you see her? Yeah, well, she wasn't upset because she lost. Now she's got to give all of her clothes back.
After congratulating President-elect Obama, President Bush called John McCain to commend him on his well-fought campaign. President Bush also phoned Sarah Palin and she said, 'Oh yeah, I'm sure this is the real Bush, I'm not falling for that again.'

Well, gosh, only four more days, and then Sarah Palin has to give all those clothes back.

And a lot of juicy gossip on the campaign trail. Insiders of the McCain campaign say that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. Republicans are complaining that she's not listening to their advice, she's not taking their notes and she's going off on her own and saying whatever she wants. And then when the campaign was asked what they like best about her, 'She's a maverick!'

And Republicans now say that the $150,000 worth of clothes they bought for Sarah Palin will probably go to a charity. Charity, is that a good idea? Isn't that kind of counterproductive? I mean, you're going to give a homeless woman your spare change when she's wearing a Dolce & Gabbana jacket and Jimmy Choo shoes, you know?

That's the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time.

Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales.

I guess you know this story. She took a lot of heat this weekend about how much money was spent on her wardrobe. She defended herself today. She said everything she's wearing now she bought with her own money in Alaska. I believe her. Show her on the campaign trail today [on screen: Palin during a campaign appearance, and 'appearing' to wear snow shoes]. I'm not Alaskan, but open-toed snow-shoes? Is that common?

It was disclosed that the Republican party spent $150,000 on clothes and makeup for Sarah Palin to try and make her look better. Why? She looks fine, doesn't she? We're better off spending that money trying to make McCain look a little bit better. She looks great. Leave her alone. Do something for him.

Yesterday in Florida, Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View,' she appeared onstage with Sarah Palin. She's a big supporter. Elizabeth's speech was interrupted by hecklers, who police later identified as Whoopi, Barbara, Joy and Sherri.

With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000.

The biggest newspaper in Alaska, the Anchorage Daily News, says that Sarah Palin's reaction to this Troopergate report, you know where she was found guilty, was either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian. To which Sarah Palin said, 'Do I have to pick one now, or can I get back to ya?'

They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nalin' Palin.' They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It's called 'Nalin' Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'

You probably saw this on the news. A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'

Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report, Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that was an ethics violation. Wow, she's only been on the national scene a month, already has an ethics violation? Who said she's not ready for Washington?

Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was booed at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game. According to ABC News, the booing was so loud, they cranked the music up to deafening levels to drown it out. And to make it even more awkward, once they cranked up the music, McCain started yelling, 'Turn that crap down!'

Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting.

Some good news for Sarah Palin: she has been cleared in that troopergate scandal. You know who cleared her? Sarah Palin.

Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer.

According to the National Enquirer, Britney Spears' younger sister Jaime Lynn Spears, is pregnant again, according to the National Enquirer. But the good news is, Sarah Palin has named her an honorary Alaskan.

In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut.

Sarah Palin has vowed to do only a few interviews between now and the election. Katie Couric's interview, she called it 'gotcha journalism.' Not doing any more of those. Just doing friendly interviews now, which she calls 'you betcha!' journalism.

In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions.

And in Bangkok, a candidate for governor beat up a TV reporter for asking him tough questions. Today, Sarah Palin said, 'You can do that? Where's Katie Couric?'

According to a new survey, only 25% of Americans think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, which sounds bad, but only 10% think Bush is qualified. So, it's really not that bad.

Did you see that interview with Katie Couric? Oh, man. Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin what newspapers she reads, and she could not name a single newspaper that she reads. Which wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have a degree in journalism.

According to a recent poll, 61% of people surveyed said they would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. Although 99% said they would rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president.

Earlier today, John McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a new 'just say no' program. McCain told Sarah Palin, 'If a reporter asks you any questions, just say no!'

Political activists are now saying, if Sarah Palin does not do well tomorrow in the debate, she will voluntarily step down from the ticket by Friday. So far, there have been over 2 million emails and phone calls, urging her to stay. All from Tina Fey.

Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right know, you know, she's busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate.

Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself. Think about it.

Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. She met with some world leaders yesterday and went to the Central Park Zoo, yeah. Took her five hours to get through the zoo, 'cause she had to keep stopping to reload.

And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, 'you can take her picture, but you can't ask her any questions.' What is she running for, vice president or 'America's Next Top Model'?

John McCain's vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations today for the first time. Yeah, how about that? Up til now, most of her knowledge about foreign countries came from watching the 'Amazing Race.' ... She met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska.

Sarah Palin says she was very impressed with all of the landmarks in New York City. As they were driving over the Hudson River, she said, 'Wow! Your bridges actually go somewhere!'

And you know, you can tell Sarah Palin is not really used to New York City. Like, today, she saw five rats, force of habit, skinned them for the pelts.

Hillary Clinton cancelled an appearance at the UN next week, after learning that Sarah Palin was also invited. And after Hillary canceled, the group canceled Sarah Palin, saying they didn't want any politicians. Which is a shame, because this would have been Sarah Palin's first trip to the United Nations. Although to her credit, she has been to the International House of Pancakes.

Sarah Palin's husband has refused to testify in an abuse of power investigation in Alaska. He was given a subpoena, and he is ignoring it. ... So it looks like this guy's going to have no trouble fitting into Washington. He seems to pick it up right away. It's like second nature.

Hey, anybody see Sarah Palin on the Fox News show, 'Hannity & Colmes?' You see that? Nobody watched. Here's my question. What happened to Colmes? Wasn't he supposed to be the Democrat? What, did he get shipped to Guantanamo? What happened to him? What, is it 'Hannity and No Colmes'? Is that what it's called?

I'm not sure if Sarah Palin knows what to do about the economy either. Do you think she has any experience? She was asked today what to do in a bear market. And she said, 'Well, you should shoot it, then skin it.'

John McCain and Sarah Palin attended a campaign rally in Vienna, Ohio, today. They were in Vienna. Apparently, they went to Vienna so Sarah Palin could get some foreign policy experience.

But John McCain campaign said that Sarah Palin will not talk to the media, this is a quote, until reporters can address her with respect and deference. Oh, what is she running for, vice president or queen?

For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'

Well, as you all know, during the interview with Charles Gibson last week on ABC, Sarah Palin did not know what the Bush doctrine was. But to be fair, a month ago, she didn't know who John McCain was either.

As you know, the Republicans are still keeping her away from the mainstream press. In fact, the only reporter she's taking questions from is Field & Stream. That's the only magazine she felt more comfortable with.

Actually, Sarah Palin is going from an interview with Gibson on ABC to one with Sean Hannity on Fox. Woo! That should be hard-hitting! It's like going from hard ball to t-ball!

I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is!

And according to the Associated Press, this article was in the paper today. Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' ... I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'

And today, the Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Now, here's my question. What's the secret part? I mean, if the Secret Service is going to give you a Secret Service code name, shouldn't they keep it a secret? I mean, why don't they just call her Sarah?

They also revealed that Sarah's husband, Todd, who works in the oil field. Well, his Secret Service codename is 'Driller.' I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore.

Sarah Palin was also asked if we might have to go to war with Russia, and she said, 'Perhaps so.' Isn't that like a magic eight ball kind of answer?

If you watched TV last night, you know Charlie Gibson did something John McCain has never done, interviewed Sarah Palin. No, last night, Sarah Palin gave a interview with ABC's Charles Gibson. And earlier today, her future son-in-law was on 'Maury Povich.' 'You are the father!'

No, I guess earlier today, up there in Alaska, she shot two campaign commercials, a moose and a caribou.

Dick Cheney told reporters this week, there's no reason why Sarah Palin cannot be a successful vice president in the McCain administration. In fact, not only can she shoot a lawyer in the face, she can field dress him as well.

A lot of people now are criticizing Governor Palin for her lack of foreign policy experience. They say she won't be able to deal with other countries. But is that a big deal? I mean, hey, how many foreign countries even talk to us anymore? See what I'm saying?

Did you see Governor Sarah Palin on the cover of Newsweek? Look, she's holding a shotgun. Holding a shotgun. This picture was taken right after she announced that guy would be marrying her pregnant daughter.

They asked her if she would be able to explain how she once lobbied Washington for earmarks, and she said 'We'll cross that bridge to nowhere when we come to it.'

Oh, and all those Internet photos of Sarah Palin in a bikini holding a gun. But they are all photoshopped. Like those photos of Bill and Hillary dancing, all fake.

And did you see McCain and Palin standing together? Didn’t it look like a special episode of 'Regis and Kelly?'

I guess there are some problems with Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly…used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I’m wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'

All the Republicans are heaping praise on Governor Palin. Fred Thompson said, as an actor, he could see them making a movie about Sarah Palin and her family. Didn’t they already make that movie? I think it was called 'Knocked Up.'

Sarah Palin also said that when she was governor, it was not uncommon for her to bring her children to work with her. But it is not going to work out bringing kids to the White House. McCain yelling out the window, 'Get off the lawn!'

No, Palin made some interesting points last night. She said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state’s luxury jet and put it on eBay. … Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain.

She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'

Palin said last night that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention.

And they said that Governor Palin was coached by some of John McCain’s senior advisers. Senior advisers? The guy is 72. How old are these guys? … Are they left over from the Bull Moose Party?

They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words.

Bill Clinton said that when 'Hillary attacks Obama it’s wrong, but when Sarah does it, it’s somehow hot.'

And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain.

I gotta admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium 'cause it's kinda like Alaska: you look out on that convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see.

We're learning more and more about John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. ... It turns out Sarah Palin, a life-time member of the National Rifle Association, and a firm believer in shotgun weddings.

But, despite that, Republicans think she's a pretty good running mate for McCain. They feel she can bring in women voters, she's got a good conservative voting record, and she doesn't mind eating dinner at 4:30, and that's important.

Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd like someplace quiet.'

It turns out Governor Palin is a lifelong member of the NRA and a life-time hunter. Another vice president who's a hunter. What could go wrong there?

She also admitted she has smoked marijuana, but she did not enjoy it. Isn't that amazing? Something like 100 million Americans have smoked marijuana, but the only ones who don't seem to enjoy it are the ones running for office. Why is that?

Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years; here's one that could do it!

And we're learning more and more about Governor Palin. Apparently her daughter's name is Juno.

Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney.

Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life.

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is John McCain's choice. Here's what we know about her: her name is Sarah Palin.