Today is Groundhog Day, and I don't know why this stuff always goes haywire in Alaska. Here is what happened. A little bit of trouble. Groundhog comes out of its hole. Sarah Palin shoots it.

Did you know this? We have a brand-new Miss America, Katie Stam, from Indiana. They choose Miss America based on personality, how the young woman looks in a swimsuit, and how she looks in evening gowns. That is the competition. It's the same way that John McCain chooses a running mate.

But I want to tell you, it's so cold. It's so cold that Sarah Palin shot herself a brand-new coat.

Sarah Palin also honored today. She was named 'person of the year' by LensCrafters. And in about an hour, they'll name somebody else.

We're talking about Sarah Palin, who has a brand new Christmas album. It's entitled 'I Can See Bethlehem From My House.'

Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for.

Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign.

You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole.


I guess Sarah Palin is back in Alaska, where she pardoned some turkeys for Thanksgiving. So she pardons them and then right behind her, someone kills some turkeys, and it was gruesome. I honestly haven't seen a slaughter like that since November 4.

A lot of people have forgotten about President Bush, but this transitional period is a busy time for President Bush as well. He's busy granting pardons. Today, he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric.

How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she's very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house.

But she's got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal.

Thanksgiving, just around the corner. And you can tell it's Thanksgiving 'cause I turn on the TV this morning, there's 'The Rachael Ray Show.' You watch 'The Rachael Ray Show.' And, by God, there's Sarah Palin stuffin' a moose.

Is it chilly outside today? I'm telling you, coming to work today, it was so cold, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test.

Cold here in New York City today, so cold that Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens.

How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don't worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher.

And they said, well, how about writing a book? She said, 'You betcha. As long as I don't have to read it.'

Seven million dollars. So maybe now she can afford her own clothing.
But Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, 'Well, hasn't she helped him enough already?

Anybody see Sarah Palin on the 'Today' show a couple of days ago, cooking? And people say, 'Well, can she cook?' Of course she can cook. After all, she cooked McCain’s goose.

But now we see some bitterness. We see some back biting, and Sarah Palin is saying that the reason they lost the election is the media. The media is to blame for losing. It's the media. Well, yeah, because it's their fault that she entered beauty contests instead of a library.

Do you folks miss the campaign a little bit? Here's what I miss. I miss the sexy robo calls from Sarah Palin, that's really what I miss.

By the way, don't worry about Sarah Palin, she's already back to selling Mary Kay products, so she's going to to be fine.

This is fun, because Republican campaign insiders are now spilling their guts about Sarah Palin. Apparently she's not taken the defeat well. And it must be true because today before shooting a moose, she pistol-whipped it.

Sarah Palin is going to celebrate the end of the campaign. She charged one last $1500 blouse to the campaign. So, got that out of the way.

People all over the world are celebrating Barack Obama’s victory. In fact, Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house.

How about Sarah Palin, ladies and gentlemen. Right now on her way back to Alaska. And I'm thinking oh, I wouldn't want to be a moose now.

But on the bright side, at least now Tina Fey can spend Saturdays with her family again, so that's a good deal.
It’s a little cold and windy outside, isn’t it today? It’s so cold today that Sarah Palin was putting ChapStick on a pit bull.

And have you seen Sarah Palin and John McCain. I mean if you look at them, it’s kind of interesting. He looks like the elderly husband who would have her followed by a private detective. A little bit, don’t you think?


Sarah Palin, she's running Alaska, and now she's the vice presidential candidate, and everybody got very excited about the campaign, and she really sort of energized the whole thing. But listen to this, they now say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Yeah, and staffers suspected that there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as 'that one.'

They say that recently, on a campaign bus trip, John McCain actually snubbed Sarah Palin on the bus trip. But now listen, to be fair, here's what actually happened. She was busy on the bus trip, in the rear, out the window, shooting squirrels.

Do you like John McCain and Sarah Palin together? It's fun to see them. They remind me of a couple of cruise ship grifters. McCain looks like the old guy taking his secretary to Las Vegas, doesn't he a little bit?

Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign.

You know what? This always happens in politics. Sarah Palin, when she gets on the ticket, everybody is going, whoa, how about this? Come on. Look out. Here we go. We got us something here, you know. Now everything has turned around. McCain staffers are saying Sarah Palin has turned into a diva and is making diva demands. Here's what they're talking about. A couple of days ago, Lenscrafters had to stay open after hours so Sarah could shop alone. Today, she hit a speech writer with her cell phone.

Listen to this. I just got my 2009 Sarah Palin calendar. Yep. Wow. Exciting, sexy photos of Sarah Palin. In one of them, I think it's February, she is holding a soapy sponge, scrubbing a moose.

Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on clothes, but she has an even higher tab at LensCrafters.

Don’t get me wrong. Sarah Plain is a very frugal woman. In Alaska, she makes all of her clothes out of pelts.

But Sarah Palin doesn’t shop at low-end stores. As a matter of fact, she thinks Old Navy is John McCain’s nickname.

But they say that McCain insiders are calling Sarah Palin an out-of-touch diva. They say Palin has a quick temper and ignores her staff. It’s like I have a twin.

Boy, you folks are here on a great night and I'll tell you why. The entire balcony is filled with state troopers fired by Sarah Palin.

Did you hear what happened at a rally yesterday? Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. You know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate.
It happens.

They're saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I'm a conspiracy nut. So I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, 'Vote for Grandpa.'

The third presidential debate is Wednesday night, and John McCain says he's going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge was working.

But it's going to be a big week for John McCain. Don't kid yourself. Today and tomorrow he will be campaigning. Wednesday is the debate and then Thursday he cancels on me again.

Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate, over the weekend she went to Philadelphia and dropped the first puck for the beginning of the NHL season. And I thought well, I bet she probably needed a break, had to get away from reading every newspaper and magazine. Because you don't even know how much time that takes.

You can tell every now and then that Sarah Palin spends a lot of time in Alaska, because when after she dropped the first puck at the hockey game, she cut a hole in the ice and began to fish.

You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Medalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.

Sarah Palin. We like Sarah Palin, right? She's a lot of fun? Miss Alaska. Now she is saying that she doesn't know who Barack Obama really is, doesn't know who Barack Obama really is. Well, that's interesting, because she also doesn't know who Sarkozy is, Gordon Brown, Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chávez, Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden, the list goes on and on.

Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house.

And now she's going crazy, Sarah Palin, she is ready to go, she is saying now, the heels are on, and the gloves are off. And that's the kind of thing that used to cost Eliot Spitzer a thousand bucks.

Sarah Palin is very feisty, and she's upset now with John McCain for pulling out of Michigan. And apparently McCain is getting on her nerves, so earlier today she called Kelly Ripa to get some advice for dealing with a geezer.

Have you been watching Sarah Palin's interviews with Katie Couric? Last night, Palin told Katie Couric right here on the 'CBS Evening News' that she can't name a Supreme Court ruling that she disagrees with. The best she could come up with was the time Judge Judy ruled against the landlord. But Sarah Palin did say she objected to several Paula Abdul rulings on 'American Idol.'

Palin did say there is one decision that she disagrees with. And that was the decision to do the interviews with Katie Couric.

Have you been watching the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric on the 'CBS Evening News'? Pretty interesting. Sarah Palin could not remember the name of a newspaper or a magazine that she reads. And I was thinking, wow, we could possibly have a leader of the country who doesn't read. And then I thought, well, hell it's worked pretty good for George Bush.

Oh, but Sarah Palin, you know, was at the U.N. yesterday, and she was a big hit. She's over there meeting all of the world leaders. She's still learning who the world leaders are. Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville.

And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said, 'Look, over there, that's the president of Georgia.' And she said, 'Wow, Jimmy Carter?' And then she said, 'Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifa.'

Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

But Sarah Palin is having a great time in New York City. Today, as a matter of fact, she shot and mounted that thing on Donald Trump's head.

John McCain has been now endorsed by Donald Trump, and Sarah Palin has been endorsed by Lens Crafters.

But we're learning more and more about Sarah Palin. Were you aware of this, that at one point she was mayor of a town called Wasilla, Alaska? Wasilla, Alaska, I went to look at it. There is only one store in Wasilla, honest to God: Bed, Bath and Way Beyond.

Wasilla, Alaska is so small if you pick up the guide book, it's called 'Things to do in Wasilla.' If you pick up a copy of that guide book and open it up, things to do in Wasilla, it reads, you're doing it. That's it. That's all you can do.

But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin's main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he's got something on his chin.

Here's big news. Tonight and tomorrow night, Charles Gibson over there at ABC is going to interview Sarah Palin. And I believe it will be her first big time interview. And Charles Gibson, the first question he asks her, he says are you ready to be president? And Sarah Palin said 'Oh, for sure!'

But, no, seriously, the interview went very well, and during the interview Sarah Palin actually gave birth to her sixth child. So she can do it all. She's ready to go.

Do you like Sarah Palin? I like Sarah Palin. She looks like the dip sample lady at Safeway. She looks like the nurse who weighs you and makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes. She looks like the Olive Garden hostess who says 'I'm sorry, your table's not ready yet.' She looks like the infomercial lady who said she made $60,000 a month flipping condos.

Do you like Sarah Palin? Do you kind of like her? Yeah. I like her because she looks like the lady at the bakery who yells out '44! 45!' She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench. That's who she looks like. She looks like the lady who has a chain of cupcake stores, and she looks like the mayor of a small town that's banned dancing.

I'm feeling a little sheepish, ladies and gentlemen. I have a confession to make. Last night, I had my first naughty dream about a vice presidential candidate. And it wasn't Joe Biden.

By the way, I thought this was interesting. Sarah Palin refuses to come on the 'Late Show.' Yeah. Or, as she calls it, 'the bridge to nowhere.'

I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the lady in the dental office who gives you the keys to the rest room. 'There you are. Just bring them right back.' She looks like my selection of the week on E-Harmony.com. Sarah Palin is a good-looking woman. She looks like the woman in the department store who tries to spray you with perfume. 'Just a little.'

Reporters asked her if she could ever be president and commander-in-chief. They asked Sarah Palin. Finally got a hold of her. ... Sarah Palin said, 'Yeah, sure, you betcha!' Does that make any sense?

I do, I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you've had enough. We're landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day.

But John McCain and his V.P. Sarah Palin, bonding, getting together, really enjoying one another. As a matter of fact, today, she took him to the mall for new Rockports.

You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.

Fashion Week here in New York City. And a sure sign that it's Fashion Week, all of the guys in the Village are dressed as Sarah Palin.

A lot of biographical information about Sarah Palin last night. When she was 24 years old, she eloped with her boyfriend. Yeah, and I believe the last governor to elope with a boyfriend, was, well, Jim McGreevey.

How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin – looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9…She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing…She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial.

But, I mean, how about this, and she, you know, at one times was mayor of a very small town, a very small town in Alaska. Anybody here ever been to Alaska? Name of the town was Wasilla. Anybody ever been to Wasilla, Alaska? Anyway, Wasilla, Alaska – very small town. The town is so small, they had no professional hookers – no, no, just volunteers.

But people in Alaska are interesting people. They’re different. They’re rugged, individualist people. And they have, like the Governor Sarah Palin has some wild ideas. Has some wild ideas – she wants to change the U.S. currency from dollars, wants to change the currency from dollars to pelts.

Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters?

Say what you will about this Sarah Palin, women love this candidate. Am I right about that? ... As a matter of fact, last night at the convention, security had to restrain Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter.

You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also the governor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts.

Earlier tonight, I don't know if you saw it, Sarah Palin gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter's speech.

By the way, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen: the Palin family crisis that we were talking about on Sunday and Monday, that has been solved now, and, today, the baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie.

And, of course, the big news: John McCain has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate. Apparently, he was turned down by his first choice, Bonnie Hunt.

And McCain felt what this nation really needs now is a vice president who looks like Tina Fey.

But we're learning more and more about Sarah Palin, boy, are we. Listen to this: it turns out she and her entire family once had a chair-throwing brawl on 'Jerry Springer.'