Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats.

Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she's the Vice President of Missouri.

This week, John McCain met with his advisers to prepare to run for reelection to the Senate. Yeah. Apparently, McCain's new campaign slogan is, 'Now 100 percent Sarah Palin-free.'

President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Did you see that? They got together. ... And both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.

This is true, according to a new report, I was reading this today in the paper, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. That's true. Yeah, after hearing this, Sarah Palin told Bristol, 'Don't even think about it.'

Now, yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama -- we have to get used to saying that -- spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. That's right. Yeah, and actually, Obama's first phone call was to Sarah Palin. He sent her flowers.

Now, speaking of Sarah Palin, all this stuff's coming out in the news today. Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today, this was in the news, that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.

A lot of speculation about Sarah Palin's future, but last night, she denied rumors that she's getting ready to run for president in 2012. Palin said, 'That’s a long time away. I’ll be a great-grandmother by then.'

I can't believe this happened. Over the weekend, a comedian, I guess on the radio, tricked Sarah Palin into getting on the phone by pretending he was French president Nicolas Sarkozy. Yeah, the comedian says it was really difficult to trick Palin into believing he was Nicolas Sarkozy, because she has no idea who that is. No clue.

Alaska's largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama despite the fact that their governor is Sarah Palin. Luckily for Palin, it's one of the 500 newspapers she doesn't read.

Sarah Palin remains very popular. ... Many people in the country are very excited about her. In fact, this week in Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Can you believe that? Newborn baby, names the newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Yeah, the man named his baby Sarah Palin after he asked it to name three countries, and it just stared blankly into space.

Levi Johnston, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter, is back in the news. He gave an interview in which he says that at first, he was nervous attending the Republican convention with the Palins, but then he was like, 'Whatever.' Yeah, he also admitted that he writes Sarah Palin's speeches.

Newsweek magazine's being criticized, because last week's cover featured a very unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Yeah, Palin says it's the worst thing the press has done to her since the time they made her answer a question.

Saturday night, Sarah Palin is going to drop the first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers' hockey game. Then Palin will spend the rest of the game trying to keep the hockey players out of her daughter's penalty box.

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as 'our neighboring country.' Yeah, yeah. Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto.

Now, of course, everyone's still talking about Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric, where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Yeah, apparently, Palin thought the Supreme Court was a regular court with extra cheese.

It's been reported that John McCain is taking an herbal supplement to improve his memory. Apparently, McCain is having trouble remembering why he picked Sarah Palin.

Speaking of Sarah Palin, I don't know if you saw this, but last night during an interview on CBS, Sarah Palin said, this is a quote, 'One of my best friends is a lesbian and I love her dearly.' Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Prove it.'

Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric last week, and they're saying she was halting, repetitive and stumped on basic questions. Yeah, in other words, Palin appeared very presidential.

Hugh Hefner is entering the fray. Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Yeah, and Palin said she'd agree to pose for Playboy as long as there's no interview.

Now the political season is affecting Halloween. It's even affecting Halloween in this country. Just read this, one of the most popular Halloween masks this year is the Sarah Palin mask. Yeah, remember this, kids. If you dress up as Sarah Palin, you're not allowed to talk to anyone who is dressed up as a reporter. Stay clear of them.

Of course, everyone still talking about Sarah Palin. A Florida congressman has sparked a big controversy by saying Sarah Palin doesn't care about Jews or black people. Yeah. Palin insists that's not true, and says Alaska has one of each.

Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. While she was here, her family took the ferry to visit the Statue of Liberty. When she saw the ferry, Palin said: 'Can’t we build a bridge to that thing? It would be easier to get there.'

Earlier today, Governor Sarah Palin held a meeting with several leaders from other countries to showcase her foreign policy expertise. That's right, yeah. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds.

This week, someone hacked into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! account and read her emails. Yeah, reading Palin's email is a great way to hear what she has to say, without having to listen to her voice.

Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom.

They interviewed Sarah Palin's father, and Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90% of the meat their family eats. Yeah, the other 10% they hit with their pickup truck.

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm has agreed to help Joe Biden prepare for the debate by standing in and playing the role of Sarah Palin. That's true. See, up until now, the only Sarah Palin role playing has come at the request of Bill Clinton.

Everyone, it seems, has Palin mania right now. That's what the media's saying, Palin mania. This week, Fox News scored one of their highest ratings ever when they aired the special, 'Sarah Palin: An American Woman.' It did huge ratings. MSNBC also scored huge ratings for their special, 'Governor Palin: An American Woman ... Or Man?

You know, they're watching this interview, this is the first time she's really sat down and talked. Political experts say that during the interview, she did a pretty good job convincing voters that she's qualified. Yeah, Palin says she has plenty of experience, and that her daughter has a little too much experience.

Sarah Palin's been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain's vice president. That's true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR.

This is true. In Alaska, a political activist is trying to get Sarah Palin to release over 1,000 e-mails that she's withholding from public records. She won't release them. Yeah. Apparently, several of the e-mails went unanswered and have the subject line 'Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control.'

Big international news. I don't know if you heard about this, sources in North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong-Il is very sick. He may have to shift power to one of his three sons. Kim Jong-Nam, Kim Jong-Chul or Kim Jong-Woo. Yeah. Of course, there's still an out-of-the-box chance he'll pick Sarah Palin. She comes when you least expect it.

Oprah Winfrey's in the middle of a big scandal, because she is refusing to have Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her show. The friction started because Palin said if she's elected, she'll be the most powerful woman in the country. And Oprah said, 'The hell you will!'

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. because she's never been to the Deep South.

Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings.

Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers.

The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight’s Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night’s theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President’s daughter is pregnant?'

It's true, John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'