My wife is Born November 22, 1921, in New York; died October 5, 2004. Dangerfield is best known for the line, "I can't get no respect!"

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I tell ya, that's the story of my life. No respect. I don't get no respect.

I tell you, I got no respect, even as a kid: we'd play hide-and-seek, and nobody would look for me.

I was an ugly kid, too. How ugly? I was so ugly my mother breast-fed me through a straw.

I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

My dad didn't like my looks either. He carried around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I tell ya, my wife and I, we never have sex. We get undressed, we can't stop laughing.

It's great to have a gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

My wife, she drives me nuts. She was afraid of the dark, she saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light.

I get no respect at all. My dog keeps barking at the front door. He doesn't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

Last week my car broke down. I tell ya, with my car I got nothin' but trouble. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

When my wife took her driver's test, she was happy. She got 18 out of 20. Yeah, two guys jumped out of the way.

I tell ya, my wife, she can't cook either. At my house, we pray after we eat!

I saw my doctor last week, I told him, "Doctor, every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What's wrong with me?!" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says, "You're crazy. " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you're ugly too!"

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No. I hate myself now."

Same thing when I was a kid, no respect. The time my old man took me to the zoo, they thanked him for returning me.

I saw a naked jogger running out of my house. I asked, "Why are you running?" He said, "You came home!"

The other day I told my kid, "Someday you'll have children of your own." He said, "So will you."

I went to the doctor, and he says, "I got good news; I got bad news. The good news is, they're going to name a disease after you!"

I saw my dentist, too. Another beauty. I said to him, "Doc, look at my teeth. They're all gettin' yellow." He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My wife likes to talk after sex. The other night she called me from her hotel room.

The other night my wife met me at the door in a see-through neglige. The only trouble is, she was coming home.

Last week I bought a new book, 100 Ways to Make Love. I ended up in traction -- it was a misprint!

I can't take it no more! I found out they want to use my family to make a sequel to Roots. They want to call it Fertilizer.