Born September 17, 1956, Rudner got her start on The Tonight Show.



Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

As you get older, the birthday cards you receive get meaner. The closer the person is to you, it seems the meaner they are. Last year I received a card with a rotting corpse on the front and inside it read,"At least she can still attract flys!" Love Mom.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

I was asking my friend who has children, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me? And it blames everything wrong with its life on me?" And she said, "What do you mean, 'If'?"

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say, "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That's now escalated into "You take care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.