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A little boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?" His mother says," God is bothe male and female." The little boy is still confused and asks his mother, "Is God black or white?" His mother says, "God is both black and white." The confused little boy asks again, "Is God gay or straight?" The mother replies, "God is both gay and straight!" The little boy is really confused and asks his mother, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

It was reported that the pope was a soccer goalie in his youth. So apparently, even as a young man he tried to stop people from scoring. (Conan O'Brien)

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders reply. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here." (Unknown)


I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)


A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back!" And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)


A Jewish guy goes into a confessional. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm 78 years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28-year-old girl, and also, on the side, her 19-year-old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!" (Unknown)


I was raised half-Jewish and half-Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr. Cohen." (Bill Maher)


A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one in which to spend eternity. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says, "No, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. The guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "Okay, coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!" (Unknown)


A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the priest asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" “Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. “Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads." (Unknown)


Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, Saul relents and sells his store. The voice says, “Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It's another ace. He has 20. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. “I have 20!” Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. “Hit me,” Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty-one. The booming voice goes: "Un-f**king-believable!" (Unknown)


Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street, bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks, "or are you just gonna screw around?" (Unknown)


Born again Christians... I'm a little indignant when they tell me I'm going to hell if I haven't been born again. Pardon me for getting it right the first time. (Dennis Miller)


Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

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There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

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Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.

Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

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I was recently told a true story about a pastor. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he
could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a known cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."

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Moses and the people (approx. 2-4 million) were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feed them is what he did. According to the Quartermaster General in the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have had 1500 tons of food each day. Do you know that to bring that much food each day, two freight
trains, each a mile long, would be required! Besides you must remember, they were out in the desert, so they would have to have firewood fo use in cooking the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, just for one day. And just think, they were forty years in transit. And oh yes! They would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars, 1800 miles long, just to bring water! And then another thing! They had to get across the Red Sea probably in one day/or night. Now, if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through. So, There had to be a space in the Red Sea three miles wide so that they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one day or night. But then, there is another problem. Each time they camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of the state of Rhode Island was required, or a total of 750 square miles long...think of it! This space just for nightly camping. Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left Egypt? I think not! You see, Moses believed in God. God took care of these things for him. God is s-o-o-o-o big!

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Report from the Pastoral Search Committee:

We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we've followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates:

ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy nude walking in the woods.

NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting and has a prison record.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge. Also had an inter-racial marriage.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife. Also thought to have murdered her husband and used the power of his office to avoid charges.

SOLOMON: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression -- collapses under pressure.

ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

DEBORAH: Female.

JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

JONAH: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people -- might fit in better with a poor congregation.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper -- even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

TIMOTHY: Too young

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5,000 he managed to offend them all and his church dwindled down to 12 people. Seldom stays in one place very long and, of course, he's single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here