According to a new study in the journal 'Social Science Quarterly,' people who grow up with unpopular and strange sounding names are much more likely to be unsuccessful in life. I'll remember to tell that to President Barack Hussein Obama.

As you know, President Obama has outlawed torture. Although, he said, 'After listening to Rush Limbaugh, maybe I was a little too hasty.'

Ooh, it's getting nasty now between President Obama and Rush Limbaugh. In fact, Limbaugh told his radio audience he's not going to 'bend over' and grab his ankles just because Barack Obama is black. Well, you know, let's take race out of it for a minute. Now, honestly, regardless of who's president, do you think there's any chance in hell Rush Limbaugh could bend over and grab his ankles?

And as you know, President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They're all on the do-not-fly list.

Well, I mean, what'll they do with them? I mean, look, most politicians don't want them in their state or their district. Other countries don't want them. Although, today, New York City's Yellow Cab Company said, 'Hey, we'll take them.'

President Barack Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. You know what that means? ABC may be forced to cancel 'The View.'

After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess it's gonna be on Verizon.

Actually, it's a special BlackBerry, built just for him. They're calling it a 'BarackBerry.' This is true. It doesn't even have a battery. Runs entirely on hope.

Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama's president, Michael Jackson said he's thinking about being black again.

Barack Obama now the 44th President of the United States. Fascinating. As you know, we've never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president. We've had an Irish-American president. We've even had an incompetent American president. But we've never had an African-American president.

Conan O'Brien on President Obama

The producers of this year's Academy Awards are worried about the ratings, so they are making several changes to the show to try to increase viewership. For instance, this year's broadcast will be called 'American Idol Presents the Oscars, Hosted by Barack Obama.'

ABC says they will probably cancel the sitcom 'According to Jim,' which means Barack Obama's message of hope is already working.

Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That's big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour.

This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out.

Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn't really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways.

Today, in one of his first official acts as president, Barack Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisors to find out just, you know, what the situation is. And, apparently, it didn't go well, because after the meeting, Obama sold North and South Dakota.

Jimmy Kimmel on President Obama

President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game.

Meanwhile, our president, President Obama, will make his first trip overseas to Canada next month. It's an historic visit, not just because it's his first foreign trip, but because he'll be the first black person ever to visit Canada.

Obama is going because Canada is such an important friend to the United States and because he always wanted to visit the birth place of Alan Thicke.

Actually, after going to ten inaugural balls last night and dancing more than Cloris Leachman in nine weeks of 'Dancing With the Stars,' the new president was up and in the office at 8:35 in the morning and then he was at church at 9:30. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president, he decided the best thing he could do for the country is pray?

Barack Obama is the new President of the United States, our 44th. As our first African-American president, Obama fulfills the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.