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I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)


I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. (Rita Rudner)


A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman)


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" (Unknown)


I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why. (Redd Foxx)


An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says, "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back, '"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!" (Unknown)


Bob: "Emily, aren't you afraid of death?"
Emily: "I just think of it as a part of life."
Bob: "Yeah. The last part." (Bob Newhart Show/Sy Rosen)


I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he's great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can't fire me. I quit." (Bill Maher)


Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, and figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. “Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid, "so that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park." (Unknown)


Mario Andretti has retired from racecar driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)


My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)

A research crew, willing to investigate the secrets of long life, goes to a home for elders.
They see a very old man and ask: "Sir, what is the secret for living long?" The old man replies: " To keep a very severe routine, wake up early and lead a life full of exercise". They ask another one the same question. " I never smoked, never drank. And always kept a very healthy diet." Then they notice a man, who is certainly the eldest in that home. "Well, I really lived life! I´ve smoked two packs a day since I was 16. I would always be seen in bars, on every bender around you would find me... no routine, just living life to its edge." The interviewer, who is completely amazed by this very very old man, asks: "Oh really, sir? Would you tell us how old are you? "36, darling, 36... don´t I look great?"