A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the barman, "Have you seen my brother?" The barman asks, "What does he look like?"

A dog limps into a saloon, says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

A rope walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't server ropes in here. You'll have to leave." The rope goes outside, ties himself into a knot, then rubs himself roughly against the side of the building until he's all frayed and coming apart. He goes back into the bar. Bartender says, "Aren't you that rope I just ran out of here?" Rope says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

How much for the frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, willyou give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a smallfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger walks up and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere half-million?!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

I'd buy that for a dollar...

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots, and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast, too, if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

That was no lady...

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Arrrr...

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We was in a storm a'sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as me men was pullin' me out, a shark bit me leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Arrr, well", replied the pirate, "We was boardin' an enemy ship and was battlin' the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut me hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Arrr, well," said the pirate, "t'was me first day with me hook."

The ubiquitous bartender

A man walks into the front door of a bar, obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink. He cannot serve him any more liquor, but could call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and firmly but politely refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

The Golden Saloon

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones."Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bull! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes, it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"