In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out, and nobody woke you up and said, "Let's go shopping."

You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, "you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die, you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins," and nobody in the room just goes, "AH-HA-HA-HA! Son of a bitch! That was great!"

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.

A republican stands up in congress and says "I got a really bad idea!" And the democrat stands up after him and says "and I can make it s**ttier!"

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

And then there's the Homeland Security system. They had it coloor-coded, like we're in f***ing elementary school! Simplify it, there should be just three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, F**K ME!

NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like... red and green! And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, "This tastes like s**t!" But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, "You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long."

You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I've never seen those words anywhere. You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you? You go, "Oh no, the sun's out!" It could be zebra cum; you don't know. You may not like that joke, but you don't know.

While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and in the middle was my car; the rental car. The Plymouth Horizon. Here's a math problem for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what period of time, to be on the street and go, "Well, I gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me? I've never driven a car that's aqua!"

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people, three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program?

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't explain in one sentence what it does, it's illegal.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!