An older gentleman, wearing a suit and tie, carrying a leather briefcase approaches the court house security officer. The officer asks, "Are you a lawyer, sir? The old man says, "Hell no! My parents were married when I was born!"


A rich old man gave his lawyer, his priest and his doctor each a million dollars on the condition that they put it in the coffin with him when he died so he could prove "you can take it with you". At the funeral, they all put in their envelopes, then the priest said " I have to be honest, part of the job you know, I only put 25% in. The rest went to the needy in my parish". The doc said "I better be honest too, I only put in half the money, the rest went to operations to save needy patients lives". The lawyer said, disdainfully, "How dare you not honor the last wishes of a dear old friend! I gave him a check for the whole amount!"
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.


A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets." (Unknown)


A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what's your final question?" (Unknown)


What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. (Unknown)

What do you call a group of skydiving lawyers? Skeet. (Unknown)

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. (Unknown)

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Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair."

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A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi are marooned on a desert island surrounded by man-eating sharks. After a while their food and water run out and they are in danger of death.

Just then an otherwise empty rowboat containing a large barrel of water comes floating by. The three castaways are in agony - they must have the water, but to swim through the hungry sharks is certain death.

The lawyer says he will try it - the others beg him not to, saying "It's hopeless".

The lawyer swims out to the boat, grasps the painter rope in his teeth and tows it back to shore.

The sharks completely ignore him. When he gets back to shore they all begin talking at once:

PRIEST: It's a miracle! It's a miracle!.
LAWYER: That was no miracle.
RABBI: Well, what do you call it?
LAWYER: Where I come from, we call that "professional courtesy".

An contractor dies. At heavens door he is told that he shouldn't be there and that he will be sent to hell. Then when in hell Satan askes what the man can do for him. In a few years there is indoor plumbing, insulation, airconditioning and much more. St. peter asks calls satan to see what its like down there. Satan says its great now that we have your contractor. St. peter replies"you can't do that I'll sue!". Satan replies "o yea? where u gonna get a lawyer?"

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