We're all a little chafed here about this whole 'some parts of the country are real and American' and other parts are not. This weekend I was performing at Northeastern and I just read the statement that Sarah Palin had made about the 'pro-American' parts of the country and I...in response to that, I think I might have said, you know, 'F**k you!' That's just my way of saying that I think that's a profanity to say, and I was answering with a profanity. But it's not really fair, and it makes it seem like I'm just addressing Governor Palin about this, and I'm not, it's just this whole entire theme that there's more American areas, or some people love the country, some people don't. So what I meant to say is, 'F**k all y'all.


It's a very exciting time here in New York City. Yesterday Sarah Palin took some time away from real America to visit New York City. Her team of mushers safely escorted her through the ravenous throng of sodomites, Jews and media elites to get her foreign policy ticket punched with photo-ops with Henry Kissinger, Colombia's Alvaro Uribe, and Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai. Did you know he just had a baby? [video shows Palin asking Karzai what the name of his new baby is -- Mirwais -- and that it means 'light of the house']. 'Mirwais, huh? What a weird name. My son is named Track. It means something you run around.


Now, you may have heard that the McCain camp has been limiting access to Sarah Palin. But that's not true. You just saw her sitting down there with Hamid Karzai talking about his son. ... Of course, no access make media angry [video shows montage of media commentators saying they should have access to Palin and that she isn't a 'delicate flower']. She can kill a moose! With her bare hands! Rip its heart out and show it to the moose! She will rip its heart out and show it to the moose before eating it. You ever hear the joke about the difference between a flower and a hockey mom? One has both male and female reproductive organs, and the other one's a flower. Boom!

I mean, look how she handles Geppetto here from the Folksy Wood Carver network [video shows Palin's interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson when asks her about the Bush doctrine]. Yeah, whatever, Charlie. Do you know what the Bush doctrine is? I don't think Bush knows what the Bush doctrine is. The point is this, she doesn't need to know the Bush doctrine. She is the Bush doctrine. Her foreign policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska. And a refueling layover in Ireland. Now that might give some people who are asked to be vice president, pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people. Communists [video shows Palin saying she didn't blink when accepting the vice presidential slot]. Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House.

Why do I love [Sarah Palin]? She's a reformer. Like when the government wanted to give her this $223 million bridge to nowhere [shows video of Palin saying 'thanks, but no thanks' to the bridge]. She's so polite. Now I know that her detractors will say that she actually supported the bridge until it became a political albatross, and ended up keeping a lot of the money for it anyway, or that she claimed to have visited Iraq when she didn't. Or she didn't really sell that plane on eBay, or that she left the town she was mayor of nearly $20 million in debt, or that she made sure that women that were raped in her town were charged for their rape kits. Yeah! That's f**king true. The point is this: Shut up. Because you don't speed-date in order to get to know somebody. You speed-date to make sure you're not talking to a dude.

Of course, not blinking at a promotion is easy. Who blinks at a promotion? What will her eyelids do in the face of terror? [video shows Palin saying America 'must not blink' when it comes to dealing with terrorists]. Yeah! We're going to freak out them terrorists with our no blinking. Come and get me Mustafa [Stewart speaking in a foreign accent]: I was going to bomb them, and then all of a sudden I noticed, they weren't blinking. It must have been 12 minutes. Really freaky. She really is bringing a fresh new idea to this presidential season [video shows file footage of Bush saying the country wouldn't blink in the face of terrorism and adversity]. If we're blinking and they're blinking, everybody is blinking [Stewart impersonating Bush]: Here's what I'm saying. I mean if everybody is blinking, everybody's eyes are going up and down like a strobe light. If they're doing like that, then all the terrorists are going to look like robots. ... I order you, as your commander-in-chief, to blink. Do I look like a robot? I only got five more months to go. Yee-haw!

Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [video shows Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]. $3.2 Million to watch crabs do it. ... Anyway, for those of you who would like to hear more explanations from Sarah Palin, sit tight. There are some rules. You can't just go talking to her all willy-nilly, right? McCain campaign chair Rick Davis [video shows Davis saying Palin will do interviews on the terms and conditions of the McCain campaign, and that the interviewers must 'treat her with some level of respect and deference']. Deference. She'll talk to the press as soon as they stop asking her questions. Her next interview -- and this is not a joke -- is with Sean Hannity. I wonder if he'll show her deference.

There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife.

Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show.