Born November 28, 1962, in New York, Stewart currently hosts The Daily Show.

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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Mario Andretti has retired from racecar driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.

You may have heard that I went onto a TV show on CNN called Crossfire, which I suppose is a debate show named after the stray bullets that strike and kill innocent bystanders during a gang fight. I said some pretty nasty things, most notably that their show was destroying America, and that he was a dick. He replied to me by saying, "You're not being funny." I then said, "I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow."

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do. -- Jon on Bill O'Reilly's objection to use of the phrase "Happy Holidays"

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people.

The Democratic National Committee made it official, electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

The two candidates were said to have spent the evening pouring over the complex and detailed Supreme Court ruling. But whereas Gore was pouring over it with his eyes and mind, Bush was pouring a glass of juice over it because quote, "I don't want to finish my juice."

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I happen to be a crossing guard in the mornings and I had forgotten that today was the first day of school, but to Miss Fergson's kindergarten class I am so sorry about y'all getting run over by that van.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

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