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President-Elect Barack Obama Jokes	John McCain Jokes	Vice President-Elect Joe Biden Jokes	Sarah Palin Jokes

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Proposition 8 Jokes
Jokes about the Debates
SNL Presidential Bash Videos
Jay Leno on the Election
David Letterman on the Election
Conan O'Brien on the Election
Colbert Report Election Videos
Daily Show Election Videos

Craig Ferguson on the Election

I watched Obama’s victory speech in Grant Park. I actually loved watching the shots of the crowd, which looked like a Benetton ad — different races, different ages, all different kinds of people. I thought it was fantastic. Meanwhile, over at McCain’s speech, there were all different kinds of white people. They had tons of them -- yuppies, golfers, Osmonds.

Obama’s victory would not have been not possible without the help of the leaders who came before him — Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson, and most importantly, President Bush, who has set the bar pretty low.

The stock market dropped over 400 points today, which is not a reflection on Obama. No, the brokers just realized they’ve still got three months of George Bush.

In California, the ban on gay marriage passed. Gay people are furious. They stormed the State Capitol in Sacramento and caused $3 million in improvements to the city.

This is my first election, not sure what supposed do on Election Eve. Are there traditions? So you hang your 'chads' over the fireplace? Leave stuff out for your favorite candidate? Maybe a sandwich for Obama. That is a thin man .... McCain, leave him some food, nice warm mug of creamed corn ... Tasty. And you don't need to chew.

Not a great day for Cloris Leachman. She was voted off 'Dancing With the Stars' last night. It seems that America can't wait until Election Day to vote against a senior citizen.

In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama's supporters have a secret weakness. They're Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I'm not sure if Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven't won an election since 2000.

Nov. 4 is two weeks from today, but 7 percent of people are still undecided. I just don’t know how anyone could be undecided, because the choice in this election’s black and white, literally! Young black guy, old white guy. There! Take your pick.

Both campaigns are spending a lot of money to reach the undecided voters. Obama is buying half an hour of prime time on CBS. America loves CBS, of course, because we’re the No. 1 choice of confused people.

Jimmy Kimmel on the Election

Late last night, Sen. Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of these United States. And even if you are a Republican or a member of one of the small crazy people parties, you could find something to be happy about, whether it's that we have our first-ever African-American president or even that we have our first vice president with hair plugs.

President Bush called Sen. Obama last night to congratulate him and this is an actual quote. He said, “What an awesome night for you and your family.” I think his eloquence is what we will remember most about Bush.

Obama thanked the President for his call and for all he did to help him get elected.

Hey if you think about it, President Bush is at least partially responsible for us having our first black president, so never let it be said he didn't accomplish anything. Maybe George Bush doesn't hate black people after all.

Bush invited Obama to come visit him at the White House, which was a nice thing to do. He wants to show him, I guess, the presidential tree house and teach him how to turn the Oval Office couch cushions into a fort. All the fun stuff.

The real challenge, though, is for Joe Biden because he's got to figure out how to get Dick Cheney out of the vice presidential mansion. As you know, Dick Cheney is armed and has a history of shooting old men.

I don't want to say that the Obamas are overly confident, but they've already agreed to let Oprah use their house in Chicago as a place to keep her dogs.

On the east coast, the polls open in seven hours. Very long lines are expected. If you're not already lined up, it is too late. You have to wait until 2012. That's true. But I'll tell you something, I don't think the lines are going to matter. This is a country that waits 18 hours on line for an iPhone. We'll sit for three days in the rain to get Halo 2. We'll camp out on the sidewalk for a week to get the first ticket to see a 'Star Wars' movie that we know is going to be crap. ... If we can wait in line to see the Jonas brothers, then by God, I say we can wait in line to elect the next president of the United States.

Obama is ahead in every major poll. One online gambling site has him as a seven to one favorite to win. They're saying the only way Obama could lose this election right now is if they made him bowl for it.

You have to admit, McCain is digging in as hard as he can, and Sarah Palin too. On the heels of the success of Joe the plumber, they're bringing other characters into the mix. Last week, my favorite was Richard the florist, and on Monday, Sarah Palin introduced the best one yet [video of Sarah Palin introducing 'Tito the builder']. Now, I think he's trying to make sure that if McCain doesn't get elected, he's not the one who gets deported.

With less than two weeks to go before the election, John McCain is behind Barack Obama in every major poll. But here's the important thing to remember, back in 1984 with the same amount of time remaining, Walter Mondale was 14 points behind Ronald Reagan, and then, by the time the election came, he went on to lose every state except Minnesota. So, alright, maybe that's bad example. But I think I made my point.

Bill Maher on the Election

And yet, with all these problems, somehow bigotry won out here, even in liberal California. We voted to outlaw gay marriage. ... But I have to stand with the gays on this. Gay people, I think, have every right to insist that they will not be happy until they're allowed to be miserable.

We found out that the Mormons are the ones that financed this thing against Prop 8. They spent $20 million on Prop 8, because they say that marriage should be between a man and his multiple child brides.

Alaska seems to have re-elected Senator Ted Stevens, who is 84 and going to prison. What is up with Alaska? I have a feeling, when a moose gets shot up there, his last thought is, 'I can't believe I'm losing to these a**holes'.

You have earned your new puppy, and America has sent a clear message: Joe the plumber should shut the hell up.

Americans have finally got beyond our racial past, and picked a black man to clean up our mess.

But I'm sure you all remember where you were on Tuesday night. A very emotional night, watching the returns come in. So many of my friends who were gathered around me shed tears, I thought the Jacuzzi was going to overflow. And the spontaneous celebrations that went on! I was watching the TV, I saw black people pouring into the streets. I said, 'Oh s**t, what'll the LAPD do now?'

Apparently, McCain's plan to destroy the Obama campaign by calling him a socialist is not exactly catching fire. Possibly because most voters under 40 think socialist is someone who spends a lot of time on Facebook.

How many watched Obama's big TV special this week? Well, it was on seven stations, you could hardly avoid it. But it was interesting, because he did a half-hour infomercial. ... Never mentioned McCain, never mentioned Palin, never mentioned George Bush. Or as Shakespeare people call it: history, comedy, and tragedy.

Seth Meyers on the Election

As the presidential campaign draws to a close, John McCain's campaign rallies have featured frequent appearances by Joe the plumber, while Barack Obama's campaign is sticking with his mascot, Joe the bummer [on screen: photo of Joe Biden].

John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled, 'Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!'

Stephen Colbert on the Election

Who are the real winners in this election? Don't ask me. Ask Joe the Plumber's agent.

More Republicans endorsing Barack Obama. Great. Now Republicans will have to suppress their own turnout.

Only 6 more days until the election, liberals, don't forget to buy your tickets to Canada.

Nation, we are only two weeks away from the biggest election in the history of the universe. But there is still a huge threat out there. Not al Qaeda, a more sinister organization: ACORN. This shadowy group of community organizers is up to something: voter fraud. And not just any voter fraud [on screen: McCain saying ACORN is participating in one of the 'greatest frauds in voter history in this country' that 'may be destroying the fabric of democracy']. And we all know the fabric of democracy is very fragile, because it is made out of the Founding Fathers' pantyhose.

You see, ACORN has conducted a huge voter registration effort, and not all the registrations are valid. Now, I have a lot of problems with ACORN. First, they should have picked a more ominous name, like Kaos or Specter, instead of squirrel food. Something really scary. They are the biggest nut-based threat to America since Mr. Peanut tried to assassinate the GOP elephant to impress the Morton Salt girl. Plus, we know Obama has a relationship with ACORN. Senator? [video of McCain saying that 'we need to know the full extent' of Obama's relationship with ACORN]. And we need to know it soon, because if there's nothing there, we'd like to use the next week-and-a-half to find something worse.