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| Oct 12 2008, 10:20 AM EDT | Cedric(006) |
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Stephen Colbert on the Economy
I think this unprecedented financial crisis is great news for George Bush. Now this will be the president's lasting legacy! It will cover up all the things that were going to be his legacy! I mean, just think of Iraq, torture, wiretapping, Katrina as little paint drips on the floor of his presidency. This financial disaster is like painting the whole floor! Now I don't see any mistakes. It really freshens the place up. Now, sure people in New Orleans' ninth word still don't have houses. But soon neither will anyone.
We are in an economic tail spin. It's a nightmare on Wall Street, and a once in a century financial crisis. Of course, the New York Times called the crisis 'a wolf howling at the door.' Wrong! No one's got money for doors anymore! It's a wolf howling at our cardboard flaps.
Jimmy Kimmel on the Economy
One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don't get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started.
Members of Congress have been squabbling over a new bailout package they're trying to get passed. It's a tough situation. Everyone agrees it's something that needs to be done, but nobody wants to be the one that wants to step up and actually do it. Like when grandpa's diaper needs changing.
The financial crisis has actually helped Barack Obama's poll numbers. McCain's plan to suspend his campaign and settle this has backfired on him. Think about it, no one should benefit more from this than the McCain/Palin campaign. Sarah Palin could actually wind up being the perfect candidate. If the world economy does collapse, she's the only one who knows how to live off the land. You know? A moose in every pot, et cetera.
The House of Representatives, they rejected that $700 billion bailout. The congressmen who voted no were actually pretty evenly divided between party lines. Forty percent of Democrats, and two-thirds of Republicans voted against the bailout bill, as it was being called. In a way, it's heartening to see Congress for once put partisan differences aside and come together to not get anything done.
This is the first time the stock market has lost more than a trillion dollars in value in one day. I don't know, is it just me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating? I say, don't look at this as a financial meltdown, look at this as an opportunity for us all to live together at Oprah's house.
Today it seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 billion bailout bill for the banks, but then later on, it turned out that they haven't. For those of you who don't understand what is happening here, think of Wall Street as a no-good brother-in-law who borrows $500 from you and then shows up with a new jet ski.
And today President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. He did take a moment to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn.
But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank.
Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars.
Where they'll get this money, and how it's going to be handed out, still isn't clear. All we know for sure is that it's a trillion dollars, and it's going to be hosted by Howie Mandel.
The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism.
Stock prices are down, major companies are being purchased by the government. It is a bear market and, I have to say, Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us.
The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday.
David Letterman on the Economy
I don't know, should we talk about the stock market? Oh my gosh, today, talk about your roller coaster, dropped 800 points. Whoa, so thank you, bailout rescue plan. Thank you very much.
Yeah, the economy is going to hell, but at least we're getting leadership from the White House. That's the important thing, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for that.
Here's some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here's the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it.
The economy is so bad that today, Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker.
The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. And it just doesn't seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashanah.
But anyway, I guess we should be happy the bailout bill passed. 74 yeas, 25 nays, and one 'Fabulous!' from Senator Larry Craig. Fabulous!
Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I’m telling you, boy, it's a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy.
I guess you heard the news that the House killed the bailout plan. So Washington failed to act? Oh, I didn’t see that coming. Wow!
Right now the only winner in this economic mess is vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who has all her money in pelts.
President Bush now says that the taxpayers could actually make a profit on this deal. Well, that's good enough for me, let's go, come on. And, if you believe that, I have Yankees and Mets World Series tickets.
I was watching the news on television earlier, and George Bush says the economy is in danger. Nothing gets past this guy! Wow! Like a steel trap.
All these world leaders, while they're in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they're doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.
The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news.
John Stewart on the Economy
Bill Maher on the Economy
Now [John McCain] voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen.
Is the sky really falling, or are they just trying to convince us? You know, Bush went on TV -- he's always a guy who inspires confidence -- Wednesday night, and he said, quote, 'America could slip into a financial panic. The economy is in great danger.' And he held a flashlight under his chin.
These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?
Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros.
The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay.
The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket.
Amy Poehler on the Economy
Critics of the bailout plan say it will save Wall Street, while it will do virtually nothing to help out Main Street. And, as always, you're on your own, Martin Luther King Boulevard!
Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done.
Good news, everybody. That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it. The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson.
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion. To give you an idea how much money that is, I can't give you an idea of how much money that is.
Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000.
One guy's message for Wall Street
See Also:
- Conan O'Brien on the Economy
- Jay Leno on the Economy
- Jokes about the Debates
- Jokes about George W. Bush
- Jokes about the Republicans
- Jokes about the Democrats
- Jokes about Barack Obama
- Jokes about John McCain
Jokes about the Economy by late-night Comedians
Stephen Colbert on the Economy
I think this unprecedented financial crisis is great news for George Bush. Now this will be the president's lasting legacy! It will cover up all the things that were going to be his legacy! I mean, just think of Iraq, torture, wiretapping, Katrina as little paint drips on the floor of his presidency. This financial disaster is like painting the whole floor! Now I don't see any mistakes. It really freshens the place up. Now, sure people in New Orleans' ninth word still don't have houses. But soon neither will anyone. We are in an economic tail spin. It's a nightmare on Wall Street, and a once in a century financial crisis. Of course, the New York Times called the crisis 'a wolf howling at the door.' Wrong! No one's got money for doors anymore! It's a wolf howling at our cardboard flaps.
Jimmy Kimmel on the Economy
One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don't get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started. Members of Congress have been squabbling over a new bailout package they're trying to get passed. It's a tough situation. Everyone agrees it's something that needs to be done, but nobody wants to be the one that wants to step up and actually do it. Like when grandpa's diaper needs changing.
The financial crisis has actually helped Barack Obama's poll numbers. McCain's plan to suspend his campaign and settle this has backfired on him. Think about it, no one should benefit more from this than the McCain/Palin campaign. Sarah Palin could actually wind up being the perfect candidate. If the world economy does collapse, she's the only one who knows how to live off the land. You know? A moose in every pot, et cetera.
The House of Representatives, they rejected that $700 billion bailout. The congressmen who voted no were actually pretty evenly divided between party lines. Forty percent of Democrats, and two-thirds of Republicans voted against the bailout bill, as it was being called. In a way, it's heartening to see Congress for once put partisan differences aside and come together to not get anything done.
This is the first time the stock market has lost more than a trillion dollars in value in one day. I don't know, is it just me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating? I say, don't look at this as a financial meltdown, look at this as an opportunity for us all to live together at Oprah's house.
Today it seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 billion bailout bill for the banks, but then later on, it turned out that they haven't. For those of you who don't understand what is happening here, think of Wall Street as a no-good brother-in-law who borrows $500 from you and then shows up with a new jet ski.
And today President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. He did take a moment to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn.
But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank.
Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars.
Where they'll get this money, and how it's going to be handed out, still isn't clear. All we know for sure is that it's a trillion dollars, and it's going to be hosted by Howie Mandel.
The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism.
Stock prices are down, major companies are being purchased by the government. It is a bear market and, I have to say, Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us.
The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday.
David Letterman on the Economy
I don't know, should we talk about the stock market? Oh my gosh, today, talk about your roller coaster, dropped 800 points. Whoa, so thank you, bailout rescue plan. Thank you very much. Yeah, the economy is going to hell, but at least we're getting leadership from the White House. That's the important thing, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for that.
Here's some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here's the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it.
The economy is so bad that today, Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker.
The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. And it just doesn't seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashanah.
But anyway, I guess we should be happy the bailout bill passed. 74 yeas, 25 nays, and one 'Fabulous!' from Senator Larry Craig. Fabulous!
Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I’m telling you, boy, it's a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy.
I guess you heard the news that the House killed the bailout plan. So Washington failed to act? Oh, I didn’t see that coming. Wow!
Right now the only winner in this economic mess is vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who has all her money in pelts.
President Bush now says that the taxpayers could actually make a profit on this deal. Well, that's good enough for me, let's go, come on. And, if you believe that, I have Yankees and Mets World Series tickets.
I was watching the news on television earlier, and George Bush says the economy is in danger. Nothing gets past this guy! Wow! Like a steel trap.
All these world leaders, while they're in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they're doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.
The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news.
John Stewart on the Economy
| John Stewart explores the failure of the bailout plan to pass in Congress | Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - Financial Crisis Cartoons |
Bill Maher on the Economy
Now [John McCain] voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen. Is the sky really falling, or are they just trying to convince us? You know, Bush went on TV -- he's always a guy who inspires confidence -- Wednesday night, and he said, quote, 'America could slip into a financial panic. The economy is in great danger.' And he held a flashlight under his chin.
These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?
Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros.
The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay.
The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket.
Amy Poehler on the Economy
Critics of the bailout plan say it will save Wall Street, while it will do virtually nothing to help out Main Street. And, as always, you're on your own, Martin Luther King Boulevard! Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done.
Seth Meyers on the Economy
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion. To give you an idea how much money that is, I can't give you an idea of how much money that is.
Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000.
| Lehman Brothers Richard Fuld on SNL's Update... in a barrel. |
Other Jokes about the Economy
One guy's message for Wall Street
