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Democrats!

Jay Leno on Democrats

And for the next two weeks, President-elect Barack Obama will be living full-time at a hotel right across the street from the White House. This is historic because this is the first time a Democrat has checked into a Washington hotel room under his own name.

President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly, people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers threw brake shoes at him.

Voters in Louisiana on Saturday kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson. You remember this guy? Remember the guy who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer? Well, the voters kicked him out of office. How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money. He had money left. Make him treasury secretary. Put all our money in the freezer!

It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You've got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year's White House Christmas party.

The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for homeland security chief is Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano. Her first job? Find out who leaked her name.

Ashley Dupre, the prostitute at the center of the Eliot Spitzer story -- remember, the New York governor caught with the prostitute -- giving an interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC tomorrow night. It will be on their new show, 'Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition.'

She's in People magazine, Ashley Dupre. She wants to put it all behind her. Yeah. She says that when she told her mom she was a hooker, her mom was supportive. Really? How do you show you're supportive of your daughter's hooking career? What, do you have a bumper sticker sticker? 'Oh, my daughter is a honor hooker at the Emperor's Club.'

Ashley Dupre said she was sorry for the pain she caused Eliot Spitzer's wife. She said she felt connected to her. You know, maybe if she hadn't been connected to her husband, none of this would have happened.

Actually, there's one awkward moment during the interview. While she was talking to Diane Sawyer, Governor Spitzer called in and said, 'How much for the both of them?' That was really awkward.

Eliot Spitzer's call girl, remember her? She's being interviewed on '20/20' this Friday. And she told '20/20,' no matter how long the interview lasts, even if the interview's only 15 minutes, they still have to pay for the whole hour.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called for emergency assistance for the auto industry. She said it is absolute emergency. But see, since it's Nancy Pelosi, nobody can tell from her facial expressions if it's an emergency.

I guess after the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Hear about that? Took his wife out on a date. Yeah. And today Bill Clinton, Edwards and Eliot Spitzer called him a new kind of Democrat.

In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He'll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally we're getting some young blood in there.

And as you know, Barney the White House dog bit a reporter last Friday. And today Rahm Emanuel bit Barney.

You know, it's amazing, Barack Obama won in Florida and still became president. That never happens. In fact, today, Democrats are asking for a recount. They can't believe they won.

A Massachusetts Democratic state senator named Dianne Wilkerson has been arrested for accepting $23,000 in bribes. She was going to use the money for her re-election campaign. And the FBI has actual pictures of her stuffing the $23,000 in her bra. ... Isn't that great? Talk about putting together a campaign war chest.

That's the way to do it. ... But isn't equality a wonderful thing? See, women politicians are just as sleazy as men. Isn't that good to know? Isn't that good to know we are all equal?

And here's kind of an odd story. Due to a phone book misprint, callers to the New Jersey Democratic party actually got connected to a sex phone line. Ironically, on the sex phone line, you could still talk to former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey.

And the Democratic-controlled Congress says they're going to adjourn for the rest of the year. This is true. The Senate majority leader said regarding the financial crisis, no one knows what to do. Well there's a ringing endorsement to re-elect them, huh? 'Hey, good luck! You're on your own! We're leaving!'

The stock market was up 400 points today. Or as Democrats call that, 'Terrible news!'

And Charles Rangel, chairman of the Ways and Means committee -- this is the guy that writes the tax codes -- has been found to be in default on his taxes on income, on a beach villa he owns in the Caribbean. Rangel blames it on his accountant, and he said he didn't understand the law. Didn't understand it? He wrote it! Huh? If he don't understand it, how screwed are we?

The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election.

At one point this week, police in Denver had a showdown with over 300 protesters, ended up pepper spraying them. And since, of course, it was Denver and they were Democrats, it was only fresh ground-pepper spray.

Conan O'Brien on the Democrats

A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there is a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. Yeah. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat.

This is a weird story. Fran Drescher's in the news. Fran Drescher, who starred in 'The Nanny,' says she wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton's senate seat. Unfortunately, the seat has already been promised to Mr. Belvedere.

Craig Ferguson on the Democrats

Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America.

Bill Maher on the Democrats

It's funny, the rats are already deserting the sinking ship. McCain's people are behind the scenes, scapegoating Sarah Palin. They have called her, so far, a 'whack job,' a 'diva,' and 'going rogue.' You know, say what you will about the Democrats. At least when they hook up with an unstable woman, it's just for a blowjob.

What a historic night. The first time an actual black person is leading the charge for a major American political party. I think that says something pretty great about America: we will accept a black man to lead us if the only other choice is a woman.

David Letterman on the Democrats

The state of New York is now back up to full strength in terms of senators, because we have a brand new senator by the name of Kirsten Gillibrand. She is taking Hillary Clinton's old Senate seat, but the appointment took so long and it got so stupid that the people up there in Albany were actually talking about bringing back Spitzer.

The annual People magazine 'World's Sexiest Man' issue is on the stands today. Hugh Jackman, sexiest man alive. But this is odd -- Al Franken is demanding a recount.

Earlier tonight, Barack Obama had a half-hour television special. Did anybody happen to see it? It's a lot of money, ladies and gentlemen. Don't kid yourself. A half-hour, prime-time network television. I mean, it costs a lot of dough. And they say it was the most money spent by a Democrat for a half an hour since Eliot Spitzer.

The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works.

Yeah, the Democratic Convention is in Denver, and security is tight out there, it is very tight, it's tighter than Nancy Pelosi's face.

Jimmy Kimmel on the Democrats

Diane Sawyer had an exclusive interview tonight on '20/20' with former Governor Eliot Spitzer's high-class call girl. Remember this? Her name's Ashley Dupre. This is the first time she's spoken on camera about doing it with governor. And, she claims she didn't know Spitzer was the governor when he hired her for sex. She wouldn't say how often they got together. And this is kinda the strange thing: She doesn't think of herself as a prostitute [video of Dupre using the word 'escort,' and then is asked by Sawyer, 'What's the difference?' Dupre, in response, 'I think ... it's the same.']. Okay, so they agreed to agree. Escorts also tend to have more teeth in my experience.

The Democratic National Convention is underway in Denver, Colorado. Thousands of pounds of confetti and styrofoam hats and hookers have been shipped in from all over the world. That's what they do at conventions. It wouldn't be a convention without it. I tell you what, the word 'convention' now doesn't seem right to me unless it's preceded by the words 'Star Trek,' right? And since this is the first DNC to feature an African-American nominee, some are calling it the 'Run-DNC.'

Jon Stewart on the Democrats