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John McCain Jokes
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Jokes about the Debates | SNL Skit: John McCain Approves
Conan O'Brien on John McCain | Jay Leno on John McCain
David Letterman on John McCain

Jon Stewart on John McCainJon Stewart

Jon Stewart comments on McCain's decision to "take a time out" from the campaign
But finally, the stirring anti-climax of ... McCain walking on the rest the Arsenio Hall Show to tell the people that the days of government waste are over [on screen: McCain saying he will veto all pork-barrel earmark requests. McCain adds that he will 'make them famous and you will know their names']. Yeah, like the wasteful, jackass mayor of an Alaskan town of only 6,000 people who requested 27 million dollars in government earmarks, I will make her famous! Oops.

But what was the main thrust of John McCain's message? [on screen: McCain saying business in Washington needs to be changed]. Hmm. That's funny. I think I remember another guy with a very similar message [on screen: Obama talking about change]. No. No. No, no, not that guy [on screen: President Bush in 2000 saying he wants to 'change' Washington]. That's the guy! I remember that! He's going to change the tone of Washington. How did that work out?

I'm sure the change that John McCain wants to bring is very different from the change George Bush wanted to bring [on screen: video montage of speeches from Bush in 2000 and McCain this year talking about various ways of changing Washington -- all of them mirror each other]. Things are really going to be different now.

Jon Stewart on John McCain, "Reformed Maverick"




Craig Ferguson on John McCaincraig ferguson

It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It's the same technology they use for John McCain.




Jimmy Kimmel on John McCainJimmy Kimmel

Hey, you probably heard John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it's difficult to maintain an election.

I say if McCain can't make it to the debates, send a substitute. Send Chuck Norris in. I'd watch that.

Senator John McCain has announced -- this is a big deal -- he's putting his campaign for president on hold to focus on the economy. And he wants to postpone his first debate with Barack Obama on Friday. Which seems a little bit like the old 'my grandmother died' excuse the night before a final exam.

But you have to understand something. When you have 11 houses, you take a housing crisis very, very seriously. I believe him when he says this is a sincere effort, but some think it's a publicity stunt, because he announced it while hanging upside down from a crane in Central Park today.

This is interesting, according to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars and Barack and Michelle Obama only have one car. They have one car, and the McCains have 13. Which, to be fair is like only one for each house. But the Obamas share a Ford Escape Hybrid. And the McCains have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, ten Rascals and a hearse.

So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom. But on the other hand, if you're looking for a candidate to listen to old radio broadcasts of 'Fibber McGee and Molly' with, John McCain, that's your guy right there.

They don't know who got into the email. The only thing they know for sure is that it wasn't John McCain. Or maybe, this whole 'I don't know about the internet' thing was just a smoke screen so he could spy on [Sarah Palin] and find out what kind of sex she likes. Or maybe not.

The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday.

This morning, Senator McCain and his wife, Cindy, stopped in for a visit of the ladies on 'The View.' At one point, Whoopi Goldberg asked John McCain if she should worry about slavery making a comeback if he's elected. By the way, he never answered her.

Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house.

Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?

Also, it's now come out that Palin's 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. McCain claims he knew that when he picked her, but, I don't know, this whole thing, it just seems too much like the 'Maury Povich Show' to have been planned. At this point, I'm not sure I trust McCain to pick a fantasy-football team, to be honest with you.




Bill Maher JokesBill Maher on John McCain

McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn't a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes.

Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World War II. So he suspended his campaign, unless you count doing interviews, airing attack ads, sending out surrogates on TV to attack Obama.

Can you imagine if [Sarah Palin] was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain.

Oh, I kid John McCain. He doesn't understand this stuff too well. They told him her firewall had been breached, and he said, she had another baby?

McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar.

McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said, 'I'm not running for president because I think I'm blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need. No, I'm running because my wife wants another house.

McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on Day Two.

Congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it.





Stephen Colbert on John McCain
Stephen Colbert


Stephen Colbert suspends his show until the financial crisis is over
Nation, it is day 3 of our little market correction, but I am not panicking because I know John McCain is on the case. Now, he got a lot of flack for saying this on Monday: [clip showing John McCain saying "The fundamentals of our economy are strong."] And 3 hours later, saying this: [clip showing John McCain saying "The fundamentals of our economy are at risk."] Now, regardless of what you've heard, that is not a contradiction. You can be strong and also at risk. John McCain is just saying our economy is like a muscle man who refuses to wear a condom. What's the worst that could happen?

Nation, today is the 88th anniversary of the 19th Amendment, which gave women the right to vote. So, big surprise, tonight the Democrats chose to have Senator Hillary Clinton to give a speech. Now I love women, in fact, some of my best parents are women. But marking this anniversary is the most blatant pandering to female voters since the creation of female voters. You know, however long ago that happened. It is not the only anniversary the Democrats are exploiting this week. Thursday night, Barack Obama will honor the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech, and all Democrats will honor the 25th anniversary of John McCain's 1983 vote against Martin Luther King Day.

Nation, a few months back, John McCain was asked whether he used a PC or a Mac. He said
something shocking [on screen: McCain saying he relies on wife Cindy for help with the computer]. Which confirms a long-standing rumor that Cindy McCain is half computer. Now, a lot of people have said a guy who can't use a computer is the wrong person for the White House. Last time I checked, the president only needs to know how to press one button.

And now comes proof that McCain has learned to use a computer, because evidently, he has plagiarized from the internets. Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country's leader as President 404 Error: File Not Found.

Here's just one of the examples listed in the article. Listen to what John McCain said about Georgia [on screen: McCain making a speech, and using sentences that sound exactly like a Wikipedia entry on Georgia]. Now, here's what Wikipedia's entry says on Georgia. 'One of the world's first nations to adopt Christianity as an official religion.' Of course, McCain said countries, Wikipedia said nations. But those words are interchangeable. Just like Sunnis and Shiites.

Now, I think McCain getting his facts from Wikipedia is great news. Wikipedia gets its facts from the American people, which means McCain is now using the people's voice. Or at least lip-synching to it. Plus, the internet can be a creepy place, but it's a lot less creepy than McCain's previous source of foreign policy information, Joe Lieberman [on screen: an archived speech by McCain in which Lieberman corrects him on Iran]. Ironically, Lieberman often needs similar help when he gets confused about the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

Of course, Ted Stevens isn't the only Republican struggling right now, so is John McCain. I frankly don't get it, the man's got a bold vision for America. Just yesterday, he issued this challenge to us as a nation: [video of McCain urging Americans to use sunscreen]. That is a follow-up to his recent "Wear Clean Underwear" initiative. Of course, if you don't have any sunscreen, you can do what McCain does and wear Joe



Pauline Duong on John McCain
Eew, John McCain is one ol' spud who is the center of lies and rumors, not supporting our country. Duh, he picks his nosy nose! What is our remark about ol' John? Someday, he might develop a lasting crush on Sarah Palin, don't cha think? It's where they belong. Maybe, John McCain could be the hot one for white girls but he's starting to shred into flabby meat! So, we Americans, JOHN MCCAIN, OUR AMERICAN VILLAIN, WILL GO DOWN!