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| Version | User | Scope of changes |
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| Feb 10 2009, 3:11 PM EST (current) | katia2525 | 58 words added |
| Jan 31 2009, 12:10 PM EST | katia2525 | 42 words added |
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More John McCain Jokes | More Jay Leno Jokes | Conan O'Brien on John McCain | David Letterman on John McCain | Jon Stewart on John McCain | SNL Skit: John McCain Approves | John McCain on Saturday Night Live | SNL Presidential Bash Videos | Jokes about the Election | SNL Bush Endorses McCain - Palin | Jokes about the Debates | John McCain the Comedian | McCain Palin Soundtrack | Bill Maher on John McCain
Monday is the Westminster Kennel Club's 133rd Annual Dog Show. As you know, these just aren't regular dogs. These dogs are scrutinized and gone over, literally, with a fine-tooth comb. And they're judged, here's how they're judged: appearance, of course, appearance. Silky coat, silky coat. Firm hindquarters, firm hindquarters. It's also how John McCain chose his running mate.
Hey, earlier this week, all the e-mail service in the White House completely collapsed. No e-mails coming in, no e-mails going out. Everything had to be written down on paper by hand. It was like if John McCain had been elected president.
Earlier today, President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. presidents. Obama called the meeting an 'extraordinary gathering.' In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos.
And a big surprise on the Sunday morning news shows. Senator John McCain said he may not support Sarah Palin if she's around in 2012. Of course, the bigger question, will McCain be around in 2012? That's probably the bigger question, but hey.
And speaking on ABC's Sunday morning show, 'This Week,' John McCain said that Sarah Palin could not necessarily count on his support if she runs for president in 2012. McCain said 'we have some other great, young governors out there.' Yeah, too bad he didn't pick one of them to run with.
Hey, a little bit of history for you. It was on this day, in 1872, America's first black governor took office in Louisiana. Did you know that? Ironically, the man he beat out for the job, John McCain.
Sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, 'cause a lot of people celebrated a big victory by having sex. But, you know, they act like this is new. This is not new. In fact, you know, John McCain was a Lincoln baby.
According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of 'Desperate Housewives.' And, a related story: John McCain just got a big Flomax commercial.
And this coming Monday, Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They're going to get together. McCain's still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting.
President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?
It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, 'In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.
And speaking of young blood, we are very excited. Senator John McCain is on the show tonight. And I thought this was very nice. He blew off an interview with Katie Couric to be here.
God bless John McCain. You know, I've got to give McCain credit for ignoring the polls and fighting on. The guy's a fighter. I mean, he's been declared dead by the pollsters, and twice by his own doctor.
In a speech yesterday, Joe the plumber said that John McCain is a real American. And who better to say who is a real American than a fake plumber?
And after Barack Obama, I watched John John McCain's ad on TV. I thought it was McCain's ad. Turned out it was just Wilford Brimley for Liberty Medical. 'Check it often! Check your blood sugar!'
Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then, finally, Acceptance.
And McCain says he's ready for Halloween. McCain says he's going to wear a Barack Obama mask and go as a socialist.
All looking forward to Halloween? You know what John McCain, Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin are dressing up as this year? Hugh Hefner and 'The Girls Next Door.'
And while CBS, NBC and Fox were showing the Barack Obama ad, ABC was showing 'Pushing Daisies,' which I believe is the name of the McCain ad, if I'm not mistaken.
A moment in history. It was on this day in 1846 that the Donner party left for California. You know what happened there. Everything went wrong. They wound up eating each other, kind of like what's going on in the McCain campaign right now.
Although the press continues to say there are problems between John McCain and Sarah Palin, today Palin denied there was any dissension between her and McCain. And she said she's also agreed to keep him on the ticket, so I don't know.
It's not looking good for McCain. In fact, today he went down to IKEA because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet.
John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.
Just one week left to go in this election. It's amazing, isn't it? To give you an idea, do you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?
This is the longest campaign. As you know by now, Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama for president, which is bad news for John McCain, because at his age, he has enough colon problems.
John McCain got some good news today. The Charleston Daily Mail endorsed McCain, saying since he'll only be a one-term president, he can do the right things to make tough decisions. When they told McCain they were only giving him four years, he said, 'That's great. My doctor only gave me two!'
Now they're accusing John McCain of being pumped full of formaldehyde.
I'm not taking sides here, is it me, but doesn't McCain seem to be going really, really negative? Boy, I saw that latest campaign commercial. Did you see that one airing today? Take a look [Video Showing Announcer: 'Barack Obama: his record is clear. Not only did he approve sex education for kindergartners, he ordered Sesame Street to only teach the letters S and M (image of Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie wearing sadomasochistic apparel). He's also been palling around with Satan (image of Obama with arm around Satan). And his tax plan may seem ok until you look at it under a blacklight. Eww. McCain: I'm John McCain, and I approve this message'). Really negative.
Another kind of awkward moment today for John McCain on the campaign trail, another one of those town-hall-style campaign stops he likes to do. I guess a senior citizen asked 'What's the fastest relief, you know, for older people?' And McCain said, 'I like Imodium.'
And John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain, has won the 'Family Circle' magazine presidential cookie contest. Cindy won with a recipe for oatmeal butterscotch cookies, narrowly beating out Michelle Obama with her recipe for macadamia nut cookies filled with hope. In fact, John McCain says his wife's cookies are so soft, he can eat them without even putting his teeth in.
John McCain is putting his Phoenix mansion up for sale. The house has 13 bedrooms, 10 fire places and a Carrows restaurant.
Well, there's kind of a whisper campaign going on among conservative Republicans that John McCain should replace Sarah Palin on the ticket. In fact, McCain's number one choice? Cloris Leachman. I'm just telling you what I hear.
See, you've got to admit, Sarah Palin does look great when they walk out, but that's causing a problem for McCain now. In fact, now they call the ticket 'Beauty and the Deceased.'
Well, some people think Sarah Palin took a swipe at Joe Biden's age when she said that she had been listening to Biden's speeches since the second grade. Which is kind of ironic, because Biden has been listening to McCain's speeches since he was in the second grade.
Well you know what's interesting, last week we showed you how the Obama campaign took some footage of John McCain and turned it into a negative ad against him. Well now McCain is getting his revenge. Did you see this footage today? This is Barack Obama just shopping, here he is just shopping [video of Obama shopping for peaches playing]. Now look how they turn that into a negative ad: (video: Announcer: 'Barack Obama wants to know how many homes John McCain owns. The American people want to know how many peaches are enough for Obama. Four? Eight? Will Obama leave any peaches for you? Vote McCain; he only eats prunes').
Actually, when Senator John McCain got personally involved in the bailout yesterday. Did you hear about this? Oh, it was unbelievable. John McCain was supposed to be a guest on David Letterman's show last night. And an hour before he was supposed to be on, he called Dave. Now, you never cancel an hour before. But he called and said, 'I got to get back to Washington. I'm on my way to the airport right now.' And Letterman was very gracious about it. So the guest dropped out at the last minute. I thought Letterman was very gracious. Then during Dave's show, they noticed on the feed McCain is in another building across the street doing an interview with Katie Couric when he's supposed to be with Letterman. Let me tell you, lying to the American people, that's one thing. But when you lie to a talk show host, there is no more heinous crime in this country.
John McCain wants to postpone Friday night's presidential debate. And he has temporarily suspended his campaign. Yeah, so, apparently, this news about Clay Aiken being gay has affected him more than anybody thought.
No, no, he said he'd like to postpone the presidential debate until he's, you know, ahead in the polls.
In fact, right after he announced that, Sarah Palin said, 'That's okay, I don't really need him anyway.'
And Governor Sarah Palin said, yes, she did watch Tina Fey portray her in that skit on Saturday Night Live, but she said she watched it with the volume turned down. Oh shut up! That's right up there with all the other political phrases, isn't it? Remember Clinton's, 'I smoked, but I didn't inhale'? John Kerry, 'I was for it before I was against it,' and John McCain's, 'I've fallen and I can't get up.'
Hey, anybody seen John McCain? He was a guest on the 'Rachael Ray' show today. You know, I think he's trying to attract younger voters. I think it might have backfired on him a little bit. Like when Rachael Ray put something in the microwave, McCain said, "Hey, that's a pretty fancy breadbox you've got there. Hey, an electric bread box!"
Last night, they had the 60th Emmy awards. What a star-studded affair that was. There were more celebrities there than a Barack Obama fundraiser. It was unbelievable. I guess the mini-series 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night. 13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain.
Computer hackers have broken into Governor Sarah Palin's private email account, and posted information from it on a website. And of course, Senator McCain is furious about this breach in security. But again, you know, he's not that computer literate. Like when he heard about the break-in, he ordered Secret Service agents to guard her computer so this never happens again.
The Olive Garden and the Red Lobster announced they are going to have to raise prices to keep up with the economy. But things are okay. Today, John McCain said unlimited bread sticks are still fundamentally sound.
The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name, versus Sarah Palin and what's his name.
And John McCain and Barack Obama met last week for a forum on national service at Columbia University in New York. McCain said being on a college campus reminded him of all his old professors, like Aristotle and Socrates.
Actually, John McCain attended his own fund-raiser tonight, where he raised even more money. He had dinner with his wife.
And as you know, McCain ... is a true American war hero. And today, a new video was released of John McCain being tortured by his captors. I want to warn you, this is very disturbing [on screen shows McCain on 'The View'].
But Sarah Palin says she is ready for Sean Hannity. In fact, she spent all day today writing out the questions he's going to ask her. Well, if you saw the big interview with Gibson, Sarah Palin quoted Abraham Lincoln, when Lincoln said, 'Let us not pray that God is on our side in any war, or at any other time, but let us pray that we are on God's side.' And here's the amazing part. You know who Abraham Lincoln said that to? John McCain.
Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'
The New York Times had a big article on problems that elderly people face. And they say, one of the worst things that can happen to an old person [is] breaking a hip. Breaking a hip, yeah. Second worst thing that can happen? Losing Ohio.
Look, I tell you though, McCain is thrilled with his running mate! He's energized by this woman. In fact, he told the press today, Sarah Palin makes him feel as young as Larry King.
In fact, today when reporters asked him what keeps him going, McCain said bran.
Sarah Palin has left the campaign trail. Whew, take a break. What's it been, a week? Whew, don't kill yourself. She went back to Alaska for a while. So you know that what that means? People can go back to ignoring John McCain again.
Well, the Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'
Well, more good news this week for John McCain. It seems he is now matching Barack Obama's fundraising numbers. But he does have a slight advantage. See, for every dollar McCain raises, Medicare matches it.
Hey, some good news for John McCain. His poll numbers are up 4%, and liver spots down 3%.
What do you think of McCain's slogan? 'Country First.' That's his slogan, 'Country First.' Wasn't that one of those big mortgage companies that folded about a couple months ago? ... Countrywide! Oh, that's what it was.
Oh, got a little testy on the campaign trail today. A reporter asked John McCain if he ever Googled Sarah Palin, and McCain said, 'Hey, you take your filthy mouth, and get out of here!' There is no room for that kind of talk.
Hey, did you all see John McCain last night? He gave a great speech. And you've got to admit, he looked so life-like, didn't he?
As you know, several times, McCain talked about serving his country in Vietnam, which is a nice change after 16 years and two presidents who could never quite explain how they got out of serving their country in Vietnam.
No, McCain came out swinging. I haven't seen him this fired up since they came up with a new Super PoliGrip.
Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care.
No, Senator McCain already showing tremendous faith in Palin as his vice presidential nominee. Like, did you notice after the speech last night, he came on stage, finally signed that do-not-resuscitate order.
No, Palin made some interesting points last night. She said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state’s luxury jet and put it on eBay. … Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain.
Palin said last night that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention.
And they said that Governor Palin was coached by some of John McCain’s senior advisers. Senior advisers? The guy is 72. How old are these guys? … Are they left over from the Bull Moose Party?
Well the good news: John McCain raised $47 million in the month of August. The bad news? He can't remember where he put it.
John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train, so it's been a while.
Well, there was talk about canceling the Republican Convention because of Hurricane Gustav. Actually, John McCain was not at the convention, at least not there yet. You know what he was doing? He was helping out during the hurricane. To give you an idea of what a compassionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses. I thought that was good.
Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd like someplace quiet.'
Well there's a lot of controversy about it. Apparently she [Sarah Palin] told McCain about this weeks ago, but what happened was, I guess she said it into his bad ear. So he didn't realize.
Coming to work today, I see this guy selling maps to the stars' homes, right next to him, a guy selling maps to John McCain's homes. That's a big thing now.
As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused.
Tropical Storm Fay has soaked Florida, ruining thousands of homes, most of them belonging to John McCain.
In fact, to make Senator McCain feel at home tonight, we gave him seven dressing rooms.
President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash.
Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to Al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, "Don't worry about it. I didn't know that either."
According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury.
John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, "Antiques Roadshow."
We're learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million, because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, "Why is he running for president?"
