Right after Sunday's Super Bowl, President Barack Obama placed a congratulatory phone call to the Steelers from his BlackBerry. Meanwhile, John McCain called the Cardinals from his ham radio.

You've got to love a guy like John McCain, but stuff is not going his way. He had a huge Super Bowl party, but people started clapping. And every time they did, the lights would go on and off.

Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is an historic day down in Washington because five living presidents had lunch together. George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama all at the White House, all having lunch. What a day. And while this was going on, John McCain was at Applebee's blowing on his soup.

Today is the second day of Hanukkah. John McCain made an appearance with Joe the Rabbi.

By the way, you know who is on the program tonight? Senator John McCain. Now he shows up. By the way, he thinks the campaign is still going on.

But we're happy to have the Senator on the program. And if he does well on the program tonight, CBS might give him the 10:00 p.m. slot.

John McCain announced today that he is beginning his 2010 senatorial campaign. And I'm thinking, wow! Two more years of a John McCain campaign, hey, cut me a slice of that!

John McCain and Barack Obama met yesterday. You know, they're going to bury the hatchet. In politics, they call that reaching across the aisle. Usually when John McCain reaches across the aisle, it's to grab the Metamucil.

President-elect Barack Obama now, while he is the president, he can't use ... his Blackberry. Fortunately, the good news for John McCain, he can continue to use the Clapper. That's not a problem.

How about that Sarah Palin? She could be appearing on 'Desperate Housewives,' and when John McCain heard about this, he went to his staff and he said, “I would kind of like to be on 'Bonanza.'

This is an exciting time in Washington. Barack Obama is very busy. He is meeting with his advisors and picking out a cabinet. Meanwhile, John McCain is at Applebee's, blowing on his soup.

Egyptian archaeologists have discovered a 4300-year-old pyramid. And I’m thinking, there’s yet another house John McCain forgot about.

Today is Veterans' Day, and John McCain laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown plumber.

Meanwhile, John McCain, don't forget about John McCain. While all of this was going on, John McCain was waiting for his name to be called at IHOP.

I feel bad for John McCain. I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late.

You know, Obama won, but they still haven't broke the news to McCain.

Obama is planning a bipartisan cabinet. And meanwhile, McCain is taking bicarbonate from the cabinet.

And this is sad, you hate hearing about this, but staffers are saying that John McCain is depressed. And I think there is something true to the story, because I heard today that he had made an appointment with Joe the therapist.

But Obama is busy putting together his presidential cabinet. McCain, John McCain, Senator McCain is putting together his medicine cabinet. Maalox, Metamucil, Polydent, on and on.

Right about now, John McCain is at home, saying, if only I didn't anger Dave, if only I didn't anger Dave.

Did you see the concession speech last night? John McCain was generous. He was gracious. He was statesman-like. And I was thinking well, he should have tried that earlier.

By the way, his concession speech last night was so effective, so positive that he shot up 4 points in the polls.

Last night's results mean one thing for John McCain. That is that Sunday's debate will be even more crucial. He's really up against the wall now.

But I would like to say one thing to Senator John McCain . Listen, senator, you don't show up for me, America doesn't show up for you.

Attention passengers, the Straight Talk Express is no longer in service.

John McCain was on Larry King’s show last night, and it got kind of awkward when Larry had to tell John McCain that 72 percent of his ex-wives were for Obama.

But on that show, Larry King and John McCain looked like two guys who would be fighting over Cloris Leachman.

And have you seen Sarah Palin and John McCain. I mean if you look at them, it’s kind of interesting. He looks like the elderly husband who would have her followed by a private detective. A little bit, don’t you think?

But here's what I like about John McCain. He's an optimist. Always sees the glass as half full of his teeth.

Do you like John McCain and Sarah Palin together? It's fun to see them. They remind me of a couple of cruise ship grifters. McCain looks like the old guy taking his secretary to Las Vegas, doesn't he a little bit?

Sarah Palin, do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting, isn't she, Sarah Palin? She spent yesterday campaigning with Elisabeth Hasselbeck from 'The View.' John McCain spent yesterday looking for his slippers.

So Sarah Palin is on the road with Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' and John McCain, just for old time's sake, he slept with Barbara Walters.

Senator John McCain was on the program last night. And I don't know about this. He kept referring to me as 'That One.'

I don't want to say John McCain is old, but he's the only guy who fantasizes about Cloris Leachman on 'Dancing with the Stars.'

I'll tell you one thing about John McCain, the guy is an optimist. He sees the glass as half full of his teeth.

That's awful, isn't it? How about this? Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'

Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president.

Boy, you can sure tell that it's 2008. The campaign has really changed from when I was a kid running for office, because Barack Obama has purchased his own satellite TV station to run campaign commercials. Isn't that amazing? His own satellite station to run campaign commercials. Meanwhile, John McCain's VCR is still bleeping '12:00.'

I like Senator McCain: he looks like a guy who falls asleep testing a mattress at Macy's.

But this is a good part of the campaign. Things are really getting nasty in the campaign. You enjoy it when it gets nasty? Listen to this: today John McCain tried to link Barack Obama to the Chicago Cubs. Ouch.

Beautiful day in New York City today: it was 73 and sunny. John McCain, 73 and cranky.

I'll tell you, I like John McCain. He looks like a guy you'd see wandering around Walgreen's looking for the dye gel. He looks like the guy at Home Depot who mixes paint.

Did you folks see the debate the other night. At one point, John McCain referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' And McCain later, the thought maybe that something had gone haywire, he apologized. He said he got confused; he thought he was at the bakery.

I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who thinks he's the neighborhood sheriff, you know? One of those guys. You better tie up those trash bags or we're gonna get racoons.

By the way, did you hear this? This just in, a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain's campaign.

John McCain has pulled out of Michigan. I guess the surge wasn't working. Yup, this is stunning to me. John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel. Maybe you noticed that all of John McCain's problems began when he bailed out on this show? Were you aware of that? The road to the White House runs right through here.

And now we got like 28 more days and the campaign is getting ugly. I love this. ... Barack Obama called McCain erratic. And in response to those charges, McCain responded by yelling, turn down that damn music!

I don't know if you can tell, and I can tell, and I'm no pundit; I know nothing about politics, but even I can tell that John McCain is trying to distance himself from George W. Bush. Have you noticed that? He has no use for Bush. He... wait a minute, hold it, I'm sorry. My mistake: I'm thinking of Clay Aiken.

Senator John McCain is in favor of the bailout. He loves bailouts: he bailed out on me.

You're here on a good night. So far, none of our guests have cancelled. By the way, if you had a chance to get to Central Park today, did you see that David Blaine, you know what I'm talking about, the street magician. Here was a guy who was hanging for 60 hours in Central Park. And overnight, they left him. He was just hanging there. ... It's the same thing McCain did to me last night.

I felt bad about this. Because we were all ready to go with John McCain and with an hour to go, he cancels. I felt bad about it. I was thinking about this, John, John, here's how it works. You don't come to see me? Well, we might not see you on Inauguration Day.

But you know what I hate during a presidential campaign? Dirty tricks. Are you like me and hate the dirty tricks? Well, some hackers hacked into Sarah Palin's email. Kind of the same thing happened to John McCain. Somebody broke in and stole his clapper.

John McCain is introducing his running mate, Sarah Palin, to the world leaders over at the United Nations. And it was nice. It looked like Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

By the way, as the campaign goes on, we’re learning more and more about Senator John McCain, who apparently has 13 cars. But he can’t remember where he parked any of them.

But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin's main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he's got something on his chin.

John McCain, by gosh, did you know this? He was on 'The View' earlier today. Yup. And I thought to myself, well good Lord, hasn't this man endured enough torture?

But that John McCain is a great guy. And when he was finished at 'The View,' as a thank-you gift he bought everybody on the show a house.

Tomorrow on 'The View,' John McCain, Senator John McCain will be a guest on 'The View.' Careful, John, because that place is like a North Vietnamese prison with Botox. So watch yourself.

How about that Sarah Palin and John McCain? What a ticket. What do you say about that, huh? Well, they were out on the campaign trail yesterday. She went with him to Albuquerque, New Mexico. And today she took him for a haircut. A trim.

I don't know what it's doing around the country, but here in New York City we had a wet, rainy day. Today, John McCain admitted he doesn't know how many umbrellas he owns.

I like John McCain. I like that guy. He looks like a guy whose cell phone has a big band ring tone.

John McCain is old. And I had some friends of mine call me to tell me this. You don't have any idea how old he is. Listen to this, he is so old that his blood type has been discontinued.

Today, listen what happened out there in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Senator McCain was there with Sarah Palin. And they were having lunch at a diner, is what they were doing. And I thought this was so sweet. She, I mean I don't know, how long has she been on the ticket, a week, maybe two weeks? They were there having lunch at the diner and she's cutting his meat for him.