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Sen. John McCain is denying a rumor that his wife Cindy will be a contestant on the upcoming season of 'Dancing with the Stars.' When asked why, McCain said: 'Dance? Are you kidding? I've never even seen her blink.'

President Obama's busy. He's fighting very hard to get his stimulus package passed, and one of the senators resisting President Obama's stimulus package the most is John McCain. John McCain's resisting the package, yeah. Apparently, McCain's biggest problem with the package is that it's not in a larger font.

People, I think, are excited because Barack Obama's inauguration is one week away. Some people are worried, though, because 3 million people are expected for the inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. That's true. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected.

Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain.

Now, during the press conference, Obama told reporters that the economy is likely to get worse. After hearing this, John McCain said, 'That's funny. He didn't mention that during the campaign.'

President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Did you see that? They got together. ... And both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.

At a big photo op today, earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent, John McCain. The two got together. Obama congratulated McCain on running a good campaign, and McCain congratulated Obama on being a stupid jerk face. He's still mad.

John McCain was once again campaigning yesterday. This is true. This time for a Republican senator who's facing a runoff election. So, McCain is out there stumping for him. And you can tell McCain's a little bitter about his defeat because, instead of saying, 'my friends,' he now says, 'my ungrateful bastards.'

People are excited all over the world. In Kenya, true story, thousands of expectant mothers are planning to name their babies after Barack Obama. That's true. Yeah. The Kenyans are really glad Obama won, because in Swahili, 'John McCain' means 'your goat just ate my daughter.'

This weekend at a John McCain rally, Arnold Schwarzenegger said that Barack Obama needs to exercise more because his legs are too skinny. Then he said: `Now behold, the awesome physical specimen that is John McCain!'

Joe the plumber still in the news. I'm tired of Joe the plumber. I want him out of the picture. But Joe the plumber has signed with a talent agency, because he says he's interested in eventually becoming a country singer. Yeah, which may sound crazy, but remember, Kenny Chesney started out as Ken the asbestos remover. Then he transitioned, it all worked out.

Tough news for John McCain, though. John McCain still trailing in the polls with just a week to go. CNN reported just a few hours ago that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran.

Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller.

In a speech earlier this week, John McCain said the following. He said, 'I've been fighting for the United States of America since I was 17 years old.' That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Of course, back then, it was called Pangea.' It was a land mass that slowly separated.

Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. That's true. Yeah. Palin said she wouldn't have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain's completely out.

This week on the campaign trail, John McCain made some news. He talked about his next debate with Barack Obama, and he said, “I'm going to whip his you-know-what.' Then, McCain vowed to 'hit Obama in the whatchamacallit' and 'kick him in the thingamajig.'

The presidential race is starting to get very ugly here towards the very end. Yesterday, just yesterday, a congressman from Georgia said that John McCain's personal attacks on Barack Obama are 'sowing the seeds of hatred.' Yeah, McCain responded by saying, 'I'm 73. I haven't sowed any seeds in 30 years. Back off.'

Big announcement today. John McCain's campaign, I don't know if you heard this, has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won't try to compete for votes there. That's the latest. Yeah, apparently, this is part of McCain's strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies. Focus on your strengths. He's going to campaign by horseback.

President Bush invited Barack Obama and John McCain to a meeting at the White House this afternoon at 4:00. Yeah. Or, as McCain calls it, just after dinner. He eats dinner on a tray in front of the TV, and then, off to the White House.

Today, John McCain made a big announcement. He said he wants to postpone Friday’s presidential debate, but not because of the economic crisis. It turns out TV Land is airing a 'Golden Girls' marathon.

John McCain has been trying to look younger on the campaign trail by using a makeup artist named Tiffany who works on 'American Idol.' True story, yeah. Tiffany says, 'Making John McCain look younger is easy, but what is really hard is making Paula Abdul look sober.'

Everybody was excited about the Emmys, including John McCain, who, during the Emmys, said, 'Uh, 'Gunsmoke' win anything?

Yesterday, the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, challenged John McCain to a debate. Did you know that? Yeah. McCain says if he wanted to be attacked by an extremist in an unfair environment, he'd appear on MSNBC. That's the way to do it in this country.

Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, 'Because my wife's family owns Budweiser.'

This Friday is the first presidential debate. After like nine years of this campaign, we're going to have a presidential debate, finally. I think that's good. I think it's time, don't you? ... Sources from Barack Obama's campaign say that during the debate -- this is true -- Obama's going to try to get John McCain to lose his temper. That's the strategy. Yeah, Obama plans to do this by constantly repeating the phrase, 'Matlock is gay.'

The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.

The political campaign continues, of course, for the presidency. This Sunday, the entire hour of '60 Minutes' will be devoted to Barack Obama and John McCain. Yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama will be interviewed. John McCain will fill in for Andy Rooney.

John McCain's wife, Cindy, is angry. She lashed out at the ladies of 'The View' after the McCains appeared on the show. The McCains were on the show and then Cindy McCain is mad now. In response, Barbara Walters said, 'She's just mad because I dated her husband during the Civil War.'

A weird thing came out of the John McCain campaign. An adviser to John McCain ... claimed today, just a couple of hours ago, that McCain helped create the BlackBerry. That's what he said, yeah. Or, as McCain calls it, 'the fancy garage door opener.'

The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'

Now the latest political commercial by Barack Obama, I don't know if you've seen it, it attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology. Yeah. McCain was outraged, and he responded in an email, or as McCain calls it, a computer letter from the future. He doesn't know how it works.

This morning, John McCain, I don't know if you saw this, he appeared as a guest on 'The View.' Did you see that? Yeah, there was kind of an awkward moment when McCain looked at Barbara Walters, he looked at her up and down and said, 'Man, if I was 20 years younger...'

When John McCain's wife Cindy was born, he was a senior in high school. Yeah. Yeah, McCain says it was love at first sight, but an extremely awkward senior prom. They asked him to leave four times. 'You should go, sir. It's creepy'

Of course, now everyone's digging into Sarah Palin's past. That's what's happening now. All the media is digging into her past. Democrats are digging into her past. And here's the latest. There's an old picture of Sarah Palin circulating on the internet right now, and she's wearing a t-shirt that says, 'I may be broke, but I'm not flat-busted.' Yeah, John McCain was upset when he heard this and asked, 'What's the internet?'

Political observers are pointing out, maybe you've seen this too, that at campaign rallies, John McCain likes to give Sarah Palin a hug, then give his wife a kiss on the cheek. That's the ritual, yeah. When asked about it, McCain said, 'Believe me, that's about as much sex as I can handle.' That's an orgy for him. I went too far.

Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to.
Today, Barack Obama took his daughters to their first day of school, which was sweet. Yeah. In a related story, John McCain took his daughters to pick up their Social Security checks.

Everybody talking about John McCain's big speech last night at the Republican convention. McCain used the word change over 10 times during his acceptance speech, although, nine of those times it was in the sentence, 'Could somebody please change me?'

This week, John McCain was endorsed by the gay group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. That's true, yeah. They endorsed McCain not so much because he supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a log cabin.

Political experts say that John McCain is going to try to steal attention away from the Democrats tonight by leaking the name of his running mate. Experts say there’s a pretty good chance that McCain will leak something else too.

Tomorrow — this is a little fun fact for you — both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. Yeah, so it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain.

The publisher of Simon and Schuster came out with a children's book about Barack Obama. Isn't that nice, yeah. That's sweet. They also came out with a children's book about John McCain called 'Horton Gets A Hearing Aid.'

Michelle Obama said she's been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Isn't that sweet? Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain's wife Cindy says she's been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave.

This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land.

And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's "Speak Up, I Can't Hear You" tour.

Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but beforeWheel of Fortune.

John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old.

CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help.

It was reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service name is "Renegade," while Hillary Clinton's is "Evergreen." That's true. Meanwhile, John McCain's Secret Service name is "Enlarged Prostate."

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 AM. Yeah, McCain said, "I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway."

Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, "Chapter One."

Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore.

Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies.