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John McCain Jokes

John McCain Humor



	Craig Ferguson on John McCain The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a 'one in a century' occurrence. And John McCain was like: 'He's right. I've been through three of 'em.' It wasn't such a great day for John McCain, who got some support today from an unwanted group. Al Qaeda picked him as their choice for president. Al Qaeda made this announcement on their website, which begs the question: al Qaeda has a website? Can't we use it to find them? And McCain’s buying time on Fox. And he was trying to make it like a Fox show, you know, like, “When Obamas Attack,” or something like that. Do you know what McCain should do? He should do a guest appearance on Lost. Colin Powell is in the news because he endorsed Barack Obama. I wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He’s probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems. It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It's the same technology they use for John McCain.

	Jimmy Kimmel on John McCain Joe the plumber is back in the news today. Joe the plumber, even though he spent several weeks on a bus campaigning with John McCain, he told Glenn Beck last night that he felt 'dirty' after discussing the issues with him. I don't know how to tell you this, Joe, but of course you felt dirty. You work in other people's toilets. He said some of the stuff coming out of McCain's mouth was so appalling he almost got off the bus, and the only reason he didn't is because he knew if he walked off the bus, he would be forced to return to his normal life as a simple, tax-evading fame whore. John McCain says Joe the plumber is his role model, and today says he wants to take him to Washington if he's elected president. Not a bad idea -- they'll need someone to install the safety rails on the White House toilet. Truth be told: John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago. John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know. Nationally, the Republican ticket trails in every major poll, and some by as many as ten points, so the McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts. Number one, strengthen the support in the states that Bush won in '04. Number two, flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. And third, pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean. If all those things happen, he's got a pretty good shot. Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help Obama win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain. Hey, you probably heard John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it's difficult to maintain an election. I say if McCain can't make it to the debates, send a substitute. Send Chuck Norris in. I'd watch that. Senator John McCain has announced -- this is a big deal -- he's putting his campaign for president on hold to focus on the economy. And he wants to postpone his first debate with Barack Obama on Friday. Which seems a little bit like the old 'my grandmother died' excuse the night before a final exam. But you have to understand something. When you have 11 houses, you take a housing crisis very, very seriously. I believe him when he says this is a sincere effort, but some think it's a publicity stunt, because he announced it while hanging upside down from a crane in Central Park today. This is interesting, according to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars and Barack and Michelle Obama only have one car. They have one car, and the McCains have 13. Which, to be fair is like only one for each house. But the Obamas share a Ford Escape Hybrid. And the McCains have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, ten Rascals and a hearse. So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom. But on the other hand, if you're looking for a candidate to listen to old radio broadcasts of 'Fibber McGee and Molly' with, John McCain, that's your guy right there. They don't know who got into the email. The only thing they know for sure is that it wasn't John McCain. Or maybe, this whole 'I don't know about the internet' thing was just a smoke screen so he could spy on [Sarah Palin] and find out what kind of sex she likes. Or maybe not. The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday. This morning, Senator McCain and his wife, Cindy, stopped in for a visit of the ladies on 'The View.' At one point, Whoopi Goldberg asked John McCain if she should worry about slavery making a comeback if he's elected. By the way, he never answered her. Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house. Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000? Also, it's now come out that Palin's 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. McCain claims he knew that when he picked her, but, I don't know, this whole thing, it just seems too much like the 'Maury Povich Show' to have been planned. At this point, I'm not sure I trust McCain to pick a fantasy-football team, to be honest with you.

Stephen Colbert on John McCain

Stephen Jr. Campaigns for McCain

John McCain Loves the Middle Class

Stephen Colbert suspends his show until the financial crisis is over

Nation, it is day 3 of our little market correction, but I am not panicking because I know John McCain is on the case. Now, he got a lot of flack for saying this on Monday: [clip showing John McCain saying "The fundamentals of our economy are strong."] And 3 hours later, saying this: [clip showing John McCain saying "The fundamentals of our economy are at risk."] Now, regardless of what you've heard, that is not a contradiction. You can be strong and also at risk. John McCain is just saying our economy is like a muscle man who refuses to wear a condom. What's the worst that could happen?

Nation, today is the 88th anniversary of the 19th Amendment, which gave women the right to vote. So, big surprise, tonight the Democrats chose to have Senator Hillary Clinton to give a speech. Now I love women, in fact, some of my best parents are women. But marking this anniversary is the most blatant pandering to female voters since the creation of female voters. You know, however long ago that happened. It is not the only anniversary the Democrats are exploiting this week. Thursday night, Barack Obama will honor the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech, and all Democrats will honor the 25th anniversary of John McCain's 1983 vote against Martin Luther King Day.

Nation, a few months back, John McCain was asked whether he used a PC or a Mac. He said
something shocking [on screen: McCain saying he relies on wife Cindy for help with the computer]. Which confirms a long-standing rumor that Cindy McCain is half computer. Now, a lot of people have said a guy who can't use a computer is the wrong person for the White House. Last time I checked, the president only needs to know how to press one button.

And now comes proof that McCain has learned to use a computer, because evidently, he has plagiarized from the internets. Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country's leader as President 404 Error: File Not Found.

Here's just one of the examples listed in the article. Listen to what John McCain said about Georgia [on screen: McCain making a speech, and using sentences that sound exactly like a Wikipedia entry on Georgia]. Now, here's what Wikipedia's entry says on Georgia. 'One of the world's first nations to adopt Christianity as an official religion.' Of course, McCain said countries, Wikipedia said nations. But those words are interchangeable. Just like Sunnis and Shiites.

Now, I think McCain getting his facts from Wikipedia is great news. Wikipedia gets its facts from the American people, which means McCain is now using the people's voice. Or at least lip-synching to it. Plus, the internet can be a creepy place, but it's a lot less creepy than McCain's previous source of foreign policy information, Joe Lieberman [on screen: an archived speech by McCain in which Lieberman corrects him on Iran]. Ironically, Lieberman often needs similar help when he gets confused about the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

Of course, Ted Stevens isn't the only Republican struggling right now, so is John McCain. I frankly don't get it, the man's got a bold vision for America. Just yesterday, he issued this challenge to us as a nation: [video of McCain urging Americans to use sunscreen]. That is a follow-up to his recent "Wear Clean Underwear" initiative. Of course, if you don't have any sunscreen, you can do what McCain does and wear Joe

Seth Meyers on John McCain

This Sunday, daylight saving time ends. John McCain quickly condemned it as a redistribution of sunlight.

At a campaign rally on Thursday, Senator McCain called Joe the plumber up to the stage, only to discover that he was not at the rally. In fairness to Joe the plumber, he did say he'd be there sometime between noon and 6:00 p.m.

katia2525	Latest page update: made by katia2525 , Dec 12 2008, 4:37 PM EST (about this update About This Update Edited by katia2525 114 words added view changes - complete history)
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John McCain Jokes

John McCain Humor

Craig Ferguson on John McCain

Jimmy Kimmel on John McCain

Stephen Colbert on John McCain

Seth Meyers on John McCain

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