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Some bad economic news today. They estimate more than a half a million Americans lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is now at 6.7 percent, that is the highest since 1993. In layman's terms, that means almost one in ten Americans know what it's like to be K-Fed.

In case you didn't hear, the economy is having a going out of business sale right now. The Dow took another major dive today. It lost 443 points. That adds up to 873 points over the last two days. The Dow is dropping so frequently they have decided to just add an 'n' to the end of it.

The economy has become the central issue in this presidential campaign. I haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?

Two big wildfires are burning. Apparently an ember hit the state liposuction fat reserve, and before they knew it, the whole place went up in flames. Right now emergency teams are trying to contain the fires, or at least drive them towards homes that have already been foreclosed on.

There's a new bank bailout today. The government is taking a $250 billion ownership stake in a bunch of failing banks, which is great news, because at long last, banking will be as efficient as going to the DMV. And there's a debate going on right now about the whole thing. Financial analysts are saying, what does this mean for the country? On one hand, some experts say that buying up private companies makes us socialists, but others say it makes us communists, and it's hard to decide. I say, shoot everyone and let God decide.

One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don't get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started.

Members of Congress have been squabbling over a new bailout package they're trying to get passed. It's a tough situation. Everyone agrees it's something that needs to be done, but nobody wants to be the one that wants to step up and actually do it. Like when grandpa's diaper needs changing.

The financial crisis has actually helped Barack Obama's poll numbers. McCain's plan to suspend his campaign and settle this has backfired on him. Think about it, no one should benefit more from this than the McCain/Palin campaign. Sarah Palin could actually wind up being the perfect candidate. If the world economy does collapse, she's the only one who knows how to live off the land. You know? A moose in every pot, et cetera.

The House of Representatives, they rejected that $700 billion bailout. The congressmen who voted no were actually pretty evenly divided between party lines. Forty percent of Democrats, and two-thirds of Republicans voted against the bailout bill, as it was being called. In a way, it's heartening to see Congress for once put partisan differences aside and come together to not get anything done.

This is the first time the stock market has lost more than a trillion dollars in value in one day. I don't know, is it just me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating? I say, don't look at this as a financial meltdown, look at this as an opportunity for us all to live together at Oprah's house.

Today it seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 billion bailout bill for the banks, but then later on, it turned out that they haven't. For those of you who don't understand what is happening here, think of Wall Street as a no-good brother-in-law who borrows $500 from you and then shows up with a new jet ski.

And today President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. He did take a moment to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn.

But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank.

Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars.

Where they'll get this money, and how it's going to be handed out, still isn't clear. All we know for sure is that it's a trillion dollars, and it's going to be hosted by Howie Mandel.

The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism.

Stock prices are down, major companies are being purchased by the government. It is a bear market and, I have to say, Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us.

The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday.