Click EasyEdit to add your favorite Jimmy Kimmel jokes


Security is going to be very tight in Washington, DC. They have 20,000 men deployed for this thing. 10,000 to ensure that Obama is safe, and 10,000 to make sure Bush leaves. And with so many of our nation's police on the scene in Washington, it might be a good time to commit a crime in your neck of the woods, you know what I'm saying? Or maybe not.

I think I have the perfect solution to this cold. I was thinking about it today. Let's swap countries with Mexico. Everyone who lives there moves here and vice versa. You want it so bad, you can have it.

The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism.

The Democratic National Convention is underway in Denver, Colorado. Thousands of pounds of confetti and styrofoam hats and hookers have been shipped in from all over the world. That's what they do at conventions. It wouldn't be a convention without it. I tell you what, the word 'convention' now doesn't seem right to me unless it's preceded by the words 'Star Trek,' right? And since this is the first DNC to feature an African-American nominee, some are calling it the 'Run-DNC.'

The Olympics start the Friday after next -- pollution permitting. For some reason, they're
having them in Beijing, which means the Chinese government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things about their country . It's like when your mom comes to visit your dorm room.