Hey, you been following this election in Minnesota? This is crazy. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are showing up in the trunks of people's cars. Yeah, all kinds of odd places. Everybody is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word that means 'Florida.'

Well, did you see Joe the plumber on the news today? Isn't his 15 minutes of lame just about up? Anyway, he was asked how he felt about his role in the election. This is what he said. He said, 'I didn't dream about becoming a household name. Now, I'm right up there with Ajax.' Yeah, except the big difference is, Ajax works.

It was revealed that Dick Cheney, we haven't seen much this week, spent Election Day in South Dakota, shooting peasants, I mean, pheasants.

And in other election news, Massachusetts voted to decriminalize marijuana, it won by 65% of the vote, which is amazing. Well, that is huge. It's really big when you consider, most marijuana supporters don't even show up at the polls until next Tuesday.

And up in San Francisco, the proposition to decriminalize prostitution was defeated. It was defeated. Well, there are many who believe that prostitution should be legalized, because then it could be controlled and taxed. It could be taxed. You know who's against this? Hookers making over $250,000 a year.

The effects of the Barack Obama election win are still reverberating throughout the country. A lot of pride in the African-American community. Have you noticed that? And listen to the latest rumor. You hear about this? ... Michael Jackson now considering going back to being a black guy.

You know, it's amazing, Barack Obama won in Florida and still became president. That never happens. In fact, today, Democrats are asking for a recount. They can't believe they won.

Hey, did I call it or what? Six months ago I predicted Ralph Nader would come in third. Did I call it?

And, of course, it was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC.

Well, right after Barack Obama clinched the [nomination], did you see TV cameras caught Jesse Jackson standing at the celebration with tears in his eyes? Not because Barack won, because he makes more than $250 thousand a year.

You know, do you realize this is our first black president since the first season of '24'?

And people were worried about the Bradley effect. Apparently, it was not nearly as strong as the Bush effect.

After congratulating President-elect Obama, President Bush called John McCain to commend him on his well-fought campaign. President Bush also phoned Sarah Palin and she said, 'Oh yeah, I'm sure this is the real Bush, I'm not falling for that again.'

President Bush said today that he watched the coverage on TV last night and he was amazed. He was amazed, he couldn't believe how many states there were. They're all over the place!

See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden.

When one door closes, another opens up. That's how the world works. And did you see that hologram thing they were using on CNN? That was pretty neat. They use a 3-D hologram image of a person projected right in studio. Made it look like the person that was really there in person. Same technology they use to make Larry King look like he's still alive.

You know who is really, really happy that John McCain did not win last night? The boyfriend of Sarah Palin's daughter. He doesn't have to get married now. 'Whew, thank God!'

Actually, Sarah Palin was pretty upset last night. Did you see her? Yeah, well, she wasn't upset because she lost. Now she's got to give all of her clothes back.

And of course the big mantra was 'Yes, we can!' Unless you're a gay couple in California, then it's, 'No, you can't.'

Well, California passed a bill banning gay marriage, and San Francisco voters defeated a ballot proposition that would have decriminalized prostitution. So, it's a bad day for straight guys and gay guys.

A huge turnout in Hollywood. In fact, for the first time ever, there were more celebrities in voting booths than in rehab. That has never happened. They say this was most expensive election in history, costing over $1 billion. Do you realize that is the equivalent of three Wall Street CEO bonuses?

Hey, did you get a lot of those robo-calls over the weekend? Those stupid things. I got one from Governor Schwarzenegger. Then again, isn't every call from Arnold Schwarzenegger a robo-call, really?

Schwarzenegger was asking people to get out and vote. I think that's what he said. Either that or he was asking 'the public to get more boats.'

Anybody get a robo-call from Bill Clinton? They had those out there, too. See, I knew it was from Clinton right away, because if a man answers, it automatically hangs up.

And in what has to be one of the most ridiculous moments yesterday, it looks like convicted Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska has won re-election. How does that make the guy who lost feel, huh? What's that concession speech like? 'We gave it our best, but the voters are preferred a convicted, 84-year-old felon who's going to prison.'

You may have heard about this. I understand Senator Larry Craig got arrested for tapping his foot in the voting booth next to him. He has a wide voting stance, apparently. Well here's the really disturbing part. Turns out Senator Craig actually registered to vote under the name 'Dangling Chad.'

I understand the networks are playing it very, very cautiously. You know, they don't want to show any favoritism. In fact, MSNBC announced today they're not even going to declare Barack Obama the winner until after the votes are counted.

Did you get any of those annoying robo calls? You know, those phone call recorded messages from the candidates. I got them all weekend. I even got one from Ralph Nader's campaign. Turns out it wasn't recorded. It was Ralph calling personally from a pay phone.

According to the latest AP poll, Ralph Nader is getting less than 1%. Less than 1%. How embarrassing, he's actually losing to low fat milk.

According to all the studies, somewhere between 8% and 14% of voters are still undecided. Who are these morons? You know? This has been going on for what, four years. You don't know. What, do you need another year to figure this out? Gee, I wonder where my candidate stands on UFO abductions? I'm going to wait.

Actually, there is a good chance that we could go to bed tomorrow night and not know who's running the country. Just like it's been for the last eight years.

And this week, John McCain said people who live in coastal states like Florida should get more of the money from offshore drilling. I think that's called 'spreading the wealth around,' isn't it? And today, Barack Obama's campaign accused John McCain of looking in the rear-view mirror, which would make McCain the only guy over 70 who actually does that. Think about it.

Think about it. In less than a week, President Bush will be a lame duck, as opposed to just being a lame president.

As you know, a lot of voters in Florida have already cast their ballots using early voting. And here's the weird part. George Bush was declared the winner again.

I had two kids come by for Halloween, one dressed as Mickey Mouse. The other dressed as a volunteer, trying to register him to vote.

This week out on the campaign trail, John McCain called Barack Obama a socialist, and President Bush defended Barack Obama. But see, again, I don't think President Bush really understands. Like, he told McCain, he said, 'When you're president, you get a lot of visitors to the White House. You have to be a good socialist. It's good manners.'