You know, the interesting thing is, these numbers are so big that people can't even comprehend them. Like $700 billion. See, the best way to understand large amounts of money is to think of it in terms of what it can buy. For example, you know what $700 billion buys? It can buy you 100 senators and 435 congressmen.

The U.S. Mint announced this week they are redesigning the penny. Have you seen it? It looks exactly like the old dollar.

I'll tell you how bad the economy is. Just to give you an idea how bad the economy is. I saw a gay guy shopping at JCPenney. That's when you know there's a bad economy. I saw a guy at the 99-cent store using a coupon. That's a bad economy. In fact, I got my scenic checks from my bank today. You know what the scene was? Pictures of people at the bank cleaning out their desks. That's the picture on the check.

But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less banks. B, the banks don't have any money left. And C, nobody's got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!

The nation's largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to 'screw you.'

I listened to President Bush's speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess. And they're too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?

As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying 'we have to act now, we have to act now.' It's like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!

I'll tell you, to give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to their guns and religion.

Do you even understand this Bush economic plan? Do you understand how it works? See, here's how it works. When you screw up, you pay. When they screw up, you pay! Yeah, actually very simple.

Some financial analysts are saying we're bailing out institutions with money we don't have, which makes the dollar even more worthless. In fact, today, God said, 'Could you take my name off the bill?

And yesterday, Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, 'Oh, please, we haven't used that old thing in years.'

And yesterday, the Iranian president, Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job ... was at the U.N. And he blamed the United States for the collapse of the global markets. The Iranian president blamed the United States for the collapse of global markets. Well, that just goes to show you, in a crisis, you really find out who your friends are, huh? Yeah, I guess we can write that guy off.

More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do.

They're still calling it a correction. I love this. When CEOs make bad decisions that cause Wall Street to crash, oh, it's called a correction. You know what we should do? Take these people and put them in a correctional institute. Okay, that's what we should do.

Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness.

Now, here's how bad the economy is. There are now Americans taking jobs away from illegal aliens. That's how bad it's gotten.

And it is pretty scary, this economy, don't you think? Doesn't it make you yearn for the good old days when we were just worried about oil hitting 150 bucks a barrel? Remember those days? It was such an innocent time.

This is what I love about this whole thing. This is what Congress said today. 'The days of getting money just for the asking are over.' And then they asked for $700 billion. See, you know the way a bailout works? Here's the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can't fail.

Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.

I tell you, the economy continues to spiral. Oh, man, I saw a bank robber today being held up by a teller.
Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11.

President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy.

To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!

President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside, but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it.

President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street.

I tell you, I went to my ATM machine today; it gave me an IOU.

The stock market was up 400 points today. Or as Democrats call that, 'Terrible news!' Barack Obama said today, again, he wants to raise taxes on the rich. That's provided if, by November, anyone is still rich.

When it comes to the economy, President Bush is no help at all. Like when reporters asked him today, what he thought about AIG, he said he got Showtime and HBO, but he really didn't get the whole package.

President Bush has a plan to get us out of this financial mess. It takes place in January when he leaves office, that's the first step.

The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'

And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills.

Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what's the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That's what we should do, cancel their policy. 'Ooh, sorry, you're too much of risk.'

And AIG has assets of over $1 trillion. Not billion, $1 trillion. How do you have $1 trillion and still get into financial trouble? You know? I mean, I understand if you're living in a dumpster, rooting through trash cans, you need a couple bucks, okay. But if you have $1 trillion, don't hit me up for a loan. Think about it. Has anybody ever had $1 trillion and still failed? Okay, besides the New York Yankees.

You know, what happened to the old days when we had corporations we could trust, like Enron and WorldCom? Where are those blue chip companies.

You know, I'll tell you, once again, I don't think President Bush gets it. He doesn't really understand these economic issues. Like today, he was asked if customers should be concerned by all these bank closings. And Bush said, 'If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM.'

Big story in USA Today today. They said the days of easy money are over. Well, I'll bet the CEOs of the oil companies had a big laugh over that.

And the Democratic-controlled Congress says they're going to adjourn for the rest of the year. This is true. The Senate majority leader said regarding the financial crisis, no one knows what to do. Well there's a ringing endorsement to re-elect them, huh? 'Hey, good luck! You're on your own! We're leaving!'

Well, the Olive Garden and the Red Lobster announced they are going to have to raise prices to keep up with the economy. But things are okay. Today, John McCain said unlimited bread sticks are still fundamentally sound.

U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, 'You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that's still open.'

Well, let's see, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America. See, that's when you know the subprime mortgage market is bad, even brokerage houses are losing their houses. That's why they're called brokers. After they take your money, you're broker. You see?

I'm not sure if Sarah Palin knows what to do about the economy either. Do you think she has any experience? She was asked today what to do in a bear market. And she said, 'Well, you should shoot it, then skin it.'

Here's the latest word from Wall Street: 'Ahhhh!'

Man, I guess you heard by now, Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy. ... I don't think President Bush understands this crisis either. Like today, when he heard about Lehman Brothers going bankrupt, he said, 'Where am I going to get discount suits now?'

Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works.