But the big story continues to be the economy. How many people remember when we had an economy? ... They said on the news today that the stock market is on a wild roller-coaster ride. Really? Does it feel like a roller coaster? Doesn't it feel more like that stupid free-fall ride where you drop 500 feet and you vomit all over the place?

I'll give you an idea how bad the economy is: you know the giant national debt clock in Times Square that keeps track of the national debt? It's now run out of digits. This is true. It only goes up to a trillion, and we passed that. We're now going to add two more digits so it can go up to a quadrillion dollars. Are these even real numbers anymore? Don't they sound like the kinds of numbers you'd use when you argue with your friends?

I saw a guy on Hollywood Boulevard said to a hooker 'What can I get for an extra 50?' She said '100 shares of General Motors.'

Oh, General Motors fell to its lowest level since 1950, not a good sign. In fact, in terms of carmakers, General Motors is now third behind Tonka and Hot Wheels.

Let me ask you something: didn't we buy this company? Don't we own it now? Why don't we all show up at the Ritz-Carlton next week. Hey, where's our massage?

[As Rodney Dangerfield] I tell you, I went to the bank, asked for a loan, the guy said 'We were just gonna ask you the same thing.' ... The economy is so bad, today, I saw Bill Maher praying. That's how bad. People in San Francisco can only afford Rice now; no more Roni. ... I saw Mrs. Fields today selling Girl Scout cookies. That's how bad. Saw a guy at Costco buying one roll of toilet paper. That's how bad. The economy is so bad now pigs can no longer afford lipstick.

Hey, how many are worried about Iran's nuclear enrichment program? How many are more worried about our CEO-enrichment program? Here's something that's gonna make you mad: remember last week after Congress grilled those AIG executives, after taking our $85 billion in bailout money and spending half a million at that fancy resort, well this week they asked for and got another $37.5 billion. And earlier this week they announced they're going on another retreat, this time with golf and massages at the Ritz-Carlton hotel at Half Moon Bay here in California. Instead of a bailout, how about locking these guys up with no bail?

You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands.

President Bush's response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week. Well, the bad news? The small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21.

You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar. He has no idea.

Well, you see, with all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy.

The price of oil dropped below $90 a barrel today. I guess the oil companies backed off screwing the American public now that the federal government has taken on the job. The government can handle it now, we've screwed them enough.

Well, President Bush said this is good, the price falling, because see now people can afford to drive the cars they're living in.

Well, this is not good. This week, the Labor Department announced 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. But here's the ironic part, all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs. How does that work out?

And as you know, on Friday, Washington passed the big 'Save our CEOs' program. That thing passed.

And Richard Fuld, the former CEO of Lehman Brothers was grilled by Congress today. And they made him explain why he took $480 million in compensation, when he knew some shareholders would lose their life savings. Turns out, he had a good reason. Apparently, he is a greedy bastard.

And because of guys like him, credit is dried up and you can't get a loan. You can't get a loan, unless you're a company that caused the crisis, oh, then the government will give you a loan. That's no problem. Then they'll bail you out. More true than funny, okay.

They passed their $800 billion bailout bill today. Although, some senators who voted for it are now very upset. They didn't realize, they thought they were giving themselves a pay raise.

Some economists say all this bill really is is a bailout for companies whose bad business judgment ran their companies into the ground, to which NBC said, 'Really? We should be eligible. We should be getting some of that.'

Congress keeps saying that not only are taxpayers going to get back the $800 billion, oh, they're going to make money on the deal too. Yeah, yeah. See, now you know where the 'con' in congressman comes from. That's where it comes from.

This bill went from a three-page document to the size of a novel. Literally. It's the size of a book. You know what that means? Bush will never read it now.

Well, now Europe is trying to put together their own bailout plan. They're trying to save their banks from failing. Hey, say what you want about America, but we're still leading the rest of the world. See what I'm saying? We were bankrupt months before them. They are copying us. We are the leaders in this deal.

Last night, the Senate passed the bailout bill, 74-25. They said one of the reason it passed is that lawmakers stopped calling it a bailout bill, and started calling it a rescue bill. See, they changed the name. I'm sorry. Isn't that called putting lipstick on a pig?

The Senate passed it last night and they say the House will probably pass it tomorrow. In fact, the only thing that could screw it up at this is if John McCain steps in and tries to help out again.

Actually, at the urging of my financial adviser, I'm diversifying where I put my money. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. The key is diversification. Well, I got some in the backyard, some in the crawl space, some in the mattress.

With the new provisions the Senate added, it's now gonna cost $800 billion. We should have signed it two days ago when it was $700 billion. Two days later, they screwed us out of another $100 billion!

And do you know this bailout -- I'm sorry, the rescue -- the rescue bill has grown up to 450 pages. And President Bush's copy is even thicker, because they had to add pictures.

And they say the bailout bill is on the internet. And they're encouraging people to read it. Go on the internet and read it. It breaks the $800 billion down, and, you know, how it's spent. And there are various worksheets and they want us to study it. Oh, shut up! You know, I can't figure out the charges on my two-page, $60 phone bill, okay? How am I going to read this?

The Senate passed it last night and they say the House will probably pass it tomorrow. In fact, the only thing that could screw it up at this is if John McCain steps in and tries to help out again.

President Bush said today, if our nation continues on this course, the economic damage will be painful and lasting. But the good news? After eight years of Bush, we can handle painful and lasting.

With the Congress not in session, the stock market made a big comeback today. See, that's the key to saving the economy. Send these idiots home so they can't screw up anymore. Exactly. We need more holidays. That's the problem. More holidays, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, get them all in there.

Right after the vote, President Bush met behind closed doors with his economic team. Yeah, that was my thought too. Bush has an economic team?"

And, of course, Congress, both parties continue to point fingers at each other, as opposed to the rest of the country, which is just giving the finger to Congress.

As you know, Congress voted against the bailout. See, the problem with members of Congress, they were told to vote their conscience. And of course, this totally confused them. Conscience?

Lawmakers that are for the bailout argued that the government could actually end up making money on this deal. Oh, yeah. The same way the government made money on Amtrak and the post office.

Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what's going on.

And the Senate voted on this bailout package again tonight. Senator Larry Craig missed the vote. I understand he was in the men's room, introducing his own package.

Aren't you tired of hearing these economic experts talking on TV? It's time for America to get back to air-headed celebrities. Britney, Paris, Lindsay, your country needs you right now. I mean, what would you rather focus on, some Wall Street guy who lost his shirt, or Britney losing her panties?

Here's some good news.The government is talking about stimulus checks again. The bad news? We're the ones that are writing them.

Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

As you know the bailout was voted down. Oh my God. People are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.

You know, these things are so complicated. I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts, and they couldn't agree on which part to implement first: the smoke or the mirrors.

I'll give you an idea of how bad the economy is, I wrote a five-dollar check over the weekend, the check was good, the bank bounced. I'll give you an idea how bad the dollar is, I went to buy gold, they said, 'oh, we can only buy it with gold.' That's how bad it is. In fact, the guy in the Rolls-Royce with the Grey Poupon had to switch to French's mustard.

In Washington, a Republican revolt caused the bailout deal to break down. They thought they had this thing going, you know, and the timing was bad for President Bush. He had just hung up the 'Mission Accomplished' banner again.

This latest development came as a shock to a lot of people because, Thursday night, leaders of both parties said they reached an agreement in principle. They reached an agreement in principle. Then they realized, 'Wait, this is Washington. We don't have any principles.' So, they had to start all over again.