More Jokes by Jay Leno | More Joe Biden Jokes

People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here's how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm.

Well, there was a big meeting today between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney, or, as they're calling it, plugged hair meets plugged arteries. That does seem cruel. See, I prefer to call them foot-in-mouth meets shot in face.

When they move into the White House, Barack Obama's going to be getting a dog for his daughters. And he was very clear. You know, he's very strict. He said, 'You are going to have to feed it, you are going to have to give it water and you are going to have to clean up after him. Do you understand that?' Joe Biden said, 'Yeah.'

See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden.

Senator Joe Biden lost his voice on the campaign trail yesterday. Turns out a hair plug got stuck in his throat.

I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'

After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn't stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another.

You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn't change when they asked him about his hair plugs.

This is kind of interesting. Optical shops have sold out of the sexy eyeglass frames that Sarah Palin wears. You know those? They're all sold out. And women's clothing stores are sold out of the pretty dress that Michelle Obama has been wearing in her interviews. That's all sold out, too. However, a plastic surgeon said today they still have a warehouse full of those Joe Biden-type hair plugs. They got cases of those.

A company that produces dolls of all the political figures -- they do this every four years, they make action figures of all the candidates -- just came out with a Joe Biden doll. Apparently, the hair is so unrealistic, it looks just like him.

Hey, did you see what Joe Biden did today? According to the New York Times -- I love this story -- Joe Biden tapped a reporter on the chest and said, 'You need to work on your pecs.' Yeah. The bad news, it was White House correspondent Helen Thomas.

And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't.

And as you know, they've already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks. You just can't get the thing to shut up.

In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that's one thing to get the base fired up. Tell them, they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That'll get them fired up!

No, he told the crowd that Hillary is as qualified or more qualified than he is. Plus, she still has her original hair.

And you know, it's amazing, you know those glasses that she wears? Those are like a hot item right now. Everybody's buying them. They're huge, selling much better than the Joe Biden hair plugs. Those aren't moving at all. They can't give those away.

And out on the campaign trail this week, once again, John McCain spoke about the nightmare of being stuck in a tiny 8 x 10 room, thinking he might go crazy. Not in Vietnam; when he got stuck in the Capitol elevator with Joe Biden and he wouldn't shut up.

As you know, Barack Obama chose Joe Biden as his running mate. A lot of people are saying in the media that Biden was the logical choice. Now Biden got what, 8,000 votes during the primary, Hillary Clinton got 18 million votes? Well that's logical, sure. What, did Ralph Nader with his 20 votes turn him down, what happened?

And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Senator Joseph Biden as his running mate. Well, Biden has 35 years of experience in Washington. So between the two of them, that's almost 36 years of experience.

Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, the Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney, okay?

As you know, John McCain is an older white haired man who has been in the Senate over 20 years, voted for the Iraq war, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that’s our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on. I’m sorry, I got confused.

As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden.

You know, you could see Obama was trying a little too hard to connect with young voters with the text message. I still have it on my phone. [on-screen: cell phone face and text: OMG! Me and Biden are BFFs TTFN ;^)].