And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother.

I read today President Obama has made very few changes to the Oval Office itself. He's keeping nearly everything President Bush had in there. Same desk, same chair, same pens. Well, sure, the stuff's like brand new. It was hardly ever used.

This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He's too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country.

On President Bush's flight back to Texas on Tuesday, they showed a video of his accomplishments. So, apparently he didn't fly over New Orleans.

Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so they'll be no monologue.

Tomorrow, America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, 'former President George Bush,' President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you.

Did you all see President Bush's farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right.

In fact, last night, President Bush's speech forced the preemption of the NBC comedy series 'Kath and Kim.'" Presidential historians are calling this Bush's finest achievement ever, actually.

And, of course, of course, now the real pressure is on. President Bush only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina.

And President Bush said he's gonna live in Dallas when he leaves the White House. And, of course, the community in Dallas is welcoming him. You know, as a president who had a disappointing and horrible year, he'll be named an honorary member of the Dallas Cowboys. So, that's good news.

Yesterday, Tony Blair was given the Medal of Freedom by President Bush, but there was an awkward moment. When President Bush found out that Cherie Blair was a barrister, he said, 'Oh, you make coffee at Starbucks.'

President Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday morning, confirmed that he is planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he'll use a ghost writer. Well, sure, if it's about his Presidency, it's going to be a horror story. He'll need a ghost writer.

Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very special episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?'

Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down factories, car dealerships.

President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes.

Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they're going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o'clock.

In an interview that was taped yesterday, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency was the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that was just at the Christmas dinner with his family.

First Lady Laura Bush is writing a book about her years in the White House. And when she asked President Bush if he would write the foreword, he said, 'Honey, I love you so much I'll write five, six, or seven words.'

And, of course, you know, being president-elect is kind of awkward, because Barack Obama didn't have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in common.

You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be.

And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans.

This is something President Bush did this week. He has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. Largest on the planet. And they are now totally protected. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil. Then all bets are off.

Actually, there was one awkward moment, when President Bush asked all the other former presidents, he said, 'Don't you hate it when your approval rating goes below 15%?'

And President-elect Barack Obama has now named former Clinton Chief of Staff Leon Panetta to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are criticizing this, because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush.

And in an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prized collection of over 250 autographed baseballs, which would be very impressive if he were 10.

As you may have heard, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson announced this weekend that he is withdrawing his nomination to be Commerce Secretary because of a grand jury investigation involving some of his political donors. And once again, President Bush, not really following this story. Like, when he heard there was a problem with the governor of New Mexico, he said, 'Well, he should be deported.'

First Lady Laura Bush has signed a deal to write her memoirs. We have an advance copy right here. It's called, 'Another Book My Husband Won't Read.'

Kind of an awkward moment. They asked President Bush what his New Years resolution was, and he said, 'Well, sure, our government needs work, but there's no reason to start a resolution.'

President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'

Here's an interesting story. According to the Washington Post, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on various exercise machines during his time in the White House. That's a lot. I guess during retirement he's just going to read a lot of classified memos.

In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter.

And according to 'The Washington Post,' during his eight years in office, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on the treadmill, elliptical machine, and mountain bike. And spent another 15 minutes working on the economy.

Barack Obama said that he will not smoke cigarettes while he's in the Oval Office. He's kind of a closet smoker. So, he said he wouldn't smoke. And President Bush actually defended him today. President Bush said he smokes a cigar on rare occasions. He says it helps him think. Apparently it's a very rare occasion.

And President Bush talked about his religious believes on ABC's 'Nightline' the other night. When the host asked Bush if he was a literalist when it came to the bible, Bush said, no, no, he's actually a Methodist.

And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, 'Car czar? Isn't he the president of Afghanistan?'

Economy not looking good. Some bad job numbers. Employers cut over 500,000 jobs. This is the worst job loss in 34 years. The only bright side, at least Bush is losing his.

And insiders say that President Bush and his wife, Laura, have already bought a home in Dallas, Texas, to move into after they leave the White House. And if this turns out to be true, this would be the first time in his presidency he's actually had an exit strategy.

You can tell President Bush has been living in public housing a little too long. Like, when a reporter asked him if he was looking forward to escrow he said, 'You know, I don't like snails.'
On 'Meet the Press' Sunday, First Lady Laura Bush said that the Obama girls, when they visited the White House, they were schooled on all the fun things you can do there, like play in an obstacle course, running up and down the main hall there and crawl under the furniture, and sliding down the ramp of the solarium. All of the stuff President Bush likes to do now, actually.

Well, President Bush is opening up a little bit. He gave an interview to ABC News. Bush said he wished the intelligence on Iraq had been different. Hey, how many wish the intelligence in the White House had been different?

Well, here's something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out were sent out with a Christmas tree on the front. ... It was very funny. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah bunny. I think he's still a little confused.

Barack Obama's people are trying to lower expectations for the new Obama administration, you know, because everybody thinks he's going to be able to fix things all at once. So the expectations are very high, but if they want to lower expectations, quit hiring the Clinton people and keep some of those Bush people on.

And how out of it is President Bush? Today, they asked him what he thought about Napolitano; he said, 'It's delicious, especially the strawberry part.'

Executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, 'Cars use oil.'

Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can't email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch.

Because he's a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president.

Actually, President President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that's easy to train. Bush said it took almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter.

President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday, nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating.

Cuba's Raul Castro is going to visit Russia next year, to which President Bush said, man, how long is that raft trip going to take?

During the meeting with President Bush at the White House, President Bush told Barack Obama, even though they make you swear to protect the Constitution, you don't really have to do it. They can't do anything to you.

I don't think President Bush really understands this whole transition thing. Like he said today, he's glad the Obamas are moving in the day he leaves, because he didn't want to have to sell the White House in such a down market.

Well today, President Bush defended the dog. He said, 'Hey, I know how frustrating it is when you aren't able to express yourself by talking.'

And Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, 'The United States can only have one president.' To which Bush said, 'Hey, that's not what Cheney told me.

Today was another historic day. President Bush took President-elect Barack Obama on a tour of the White House. At one point, Barack opened a closet. Bush said, 'Oh, don't open that,' and a huge stack of unread intelligence memos fell out.

Barack Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at his daughters' school the other day. And a very positive meeting. The teacher said, both the girls already reading at a President Bush level.

President Bush is interested in writing his memoirs after he leaves office. He wants to remember his days in the White House, while the rest of us, of course, are trying to forget.

And yesterday at the White House, President Bush's dog, Barney, bit a White House reporter. Bush said, 'Finally!'

A reporter from Fox News who interviewed Sarah Palin said that Sarah Palin didn't know that Africa was a continent. To which President Bush said, 'I didn't know either. I thought it was a vowel.'

People are now asking if the Obamas being in the White House will be a return to Camelot. You know like what it was during the Kennedys? As opposed to the last eight years, which is return to the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'

In fact, starting today, Barack Obama is now going to receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It's the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers.

Political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama's win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, 'Unprecedented? You mean, he didn't win? He got unpresidented? Already?'

President Bush said today that he watched the coverage on TV last night and he was amazed. He was amazed, he couldn't believe how many states there were. They're all over the place!

And people were worried about the Bradley effect. Apparently, it was not nearly as strong as the Bush effect.

This week out on the campaign trail, John McCain called Barack Obama a socialist, and President Bush defended Barack Obama. But see, again, I don't think President Bush really understands. Like, he told McCain, he said, 'When you're president, you get a lot of visitors to the White House. You have to be a good socialist. It's good manners.'

And President Bush, preparing to leave the White House. That's a big job after eight years, of course. Of course, on the bright side, not a lot of books to pack up.

Barack Obama unveiled his economic plan this week. Obama said the one word in everybody's mind, and that word is j-o-b-s. Immediately afterwards, President Bush accused Barack of talking in some kind of secret code.

More charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. Have you heard about this? This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has charged with on putting phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy has been president for the last eight years.

'W.' hits the theaters October 17th, the movie about the Bush administration, did you know about this movie? You know, the stock market's collapse, homes are being foreclosed on, unemployment's at an all-time high. Wait until Halloween; release it as a horror movie.

Well, you see, with all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy.

A new poll shows that only one out of four people approve of the job President Bush is doing. One out of four. That means, when he's having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the table who thinks he's doing a good job.

As you know, President Bush addressed the nation last night. ... How many thought they were watching an episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'

More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do.

President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy.

President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside, but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it.

President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street.

When it comes to the economy, President Bush is no help at all. Like when reporters asked him today, what he thought about AIG, he said he got Showtime and HBO, but he really didn't get the whole package.

President Bush has a plan to get us out of this financial mess. It takes place in January when he leaves office, that's the first step.

You know, I'll tell you, once again, I don't think President Bush gets it. He doesn't really understand these economic issues. Like today, he was asked if customers should be concerned by all these bank closings. And Bush said, 'If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM.'

Joe Biden gave a speech in Michigan yesterday, where he said that John McCain is the sequel to President Bush, and he said the sequel is always worse than the original. Yeah. Well, President Bush was furious. He said, 'Apparently, Joe Biden has not seen 'The Empire Strikes Back.'

Here's the latest word from Wall Street: 'Ahhhh!' Man, I guess you heard by now, Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy. ... I don't think President Bush understands this crisis either. Like today, when he heard about Lehman Brothers going bankrupt, he said, 'Where am I going to get discount suits now?'

Well, in the Gibson interview, a lot of people thought Charlie Gibson was unfair to her, thought he was talking down to her. That was one of the comments. Like when he asked about the so-called Bush doctrine? Most people are not familiar with the Bush doctrine, right?. Well, we are. Well, we are, we know it by it's other name, Murphy's Law.

At one point, Charlie Gibson asked Palin about the Bush doctrine, but she didn't know what it was. But, you know, to be fair, even Bush doesn't know what the Bush doctrine is.

That was a big bone of contention today on the cable talk shows. Supporters of Palin say, it's okay she doesn't know what the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn't know what it is. But shouldn't the bar be a little higher for this job? Shouldn't they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let's be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn't work out that great.

Even President Bush, now, has been drawn into this controversy. But again, you see, I don't think President Bush really understands the issue. Like he said, 'What people do in private is their business, as long as they don't marry the pig.'

Well, as you know, this past weekend, the government announced a massive bailout of mortgage lenders, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. To give you an idea how big this bailout is, they actually had to tell President Bush about it.

As you all know, President Bush was not at the Republican convention due to a disaster: his presidency.

Well, a lot of people are saying Governor Palin really put Alaska on the map. To which President Bush said, 'Really? Well, how come I still can't find it?'

They say that John McCain's biggest challenge is to convince people that he's not George W. Bush. Hey, just the fact he went to Vietnam shows he's not George W. Bush.