The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages.

And health experts are now concerned that the bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it 'recession pounds.' Really? Recession pounds? Have these people been to a shopping mall in the last ten years? Either that theory is dead wrong or we've been in a recession since 1985, okay?

And The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven't H.M.O.'s been doing that for years?

The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people.

And the World Health Organization announced this week a new outbreak of the bird flu. Quite serious. The bird flu is the most threatening bird-related disease, I guess, since the invention of the Chicken McNuggets.

And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren't used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn't understand. The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn't get to the global warming conference.

The other night, President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukkah party. Now, even though it's a week early, he wanted to light the Menorah. Now, if you aren't Jewish and not familiar, Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. It sounds like Exxon-Mobil's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel efficient device that uses just a drop of oil.

God forbid, they don't want to do that. And in New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it's the one thing that could actually ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey, so that's good.

A rare snowstorm hit New Orleans today. It snowed in New Orleans. You see that? Unbelievable. Not wasting any time, FEMA announced they will have plows in the New Orleans area within the next six to eight months.

We're gonna be doing a new show in the fall. We'll start at 10pm, right after the last hour of the 'Today' show. See, the way they're going to schedule, it's gonna be all talk. Oh, man. Well, as you may have heard, there were rumblings that I was leaving NBC and going to ABC. Let me tell you something, those were nothing but rumors started by a disgruntled employee ... me.

Well, you know what's interesting, and I say this quite seriously, you know, I didn't always want to stay with NBC, but I remembered something my parents always told me. They said, 'Whatever you do in life, always try to come in fourth.' And that's where NBC is.

I tell you how sneaky show business is. Did you hear what CBS announced today? Did you hear about this? Yeah, they're moving Letterman to 9:59. I couldn't believe it.

Well, an estimated 271 million turkeys were raised in United States this year. That's not even counting the turkeys that are here illegally.

Been a lot of stories from Germany about how America has come to terms with its past and is beginning to make up for it. Now look. I know our country is not perfect, but we do a pretty good job working out our problems. Do we need a lecture from Germany? When they elect a Jewish chancellor, give me a call. Okay?

Well, in international news, the man considered to be the leader of the Taliban inside of Pakistan, has died of kidney failure. See, that's when you know the war on terrorism has gone on for too long. When our enemies are dying of natural causes.

And the Iranian president, Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job -- isn't that his name? Am I saying it right? I think I'm saying it right -- has offered to debate John McCain and Barack Obama when he's in New York next week. To which Ralph Nader said, 'What? You can challenge them to a debate?'

Big story in USA Today today. They said the days of easy money are over. Well, I'll bet the CEOs of the oil companies had a big laugh over that.

See, that's the problem in this country. You see, Washington is out of touch with the common people. They have no idea what regular people are doing or thinking on a regular basis. You know, just this morning, I was telling that to my valet, Alejandro, as he was putting the toothpaste on my brush for me.

Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what's the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That's what we should do, cancel their policy. 'Ooh, sorry, you're too much of risk.'

And AIG has assets of over $1 trillion. Not billion, $1 trillion. How do you have $1 trillion and still get into financial trouble?

You know? I mean, I understand if you're living in a dumpster, rooting through trash cans, you need a couple bucks, okay. But if you have $1 trillion, don't hit me up for a loan. Think about it. Has anybody ever had $1 trillion and still failed? Okay, besides the New York Yankees.

You know, what happened to the old days when we had corporations we could trust, like Enron and WorldCom? Where are those blue chip companies?

The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'

U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, 'You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that's still open.'

Well, let's see, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America. See, that's when you know the subprime mortgage market is bad, even brokerage houses are losing their houses. That's why they're called brokers. After they take your money, you're broker. You see?

Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works.

And of course, August was a big month for the campaigns. Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August, raised $66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. And Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice.

This is so stupid. They always ask voters, 'which candidate would you rather have a beer with?' You want to have a beer with any politicians, really? Look, you know McCain. He'd order a Budweiser, and then future generations would have to pay for it. Barack Obama would order some fancy European beer we couldn't afford. Sarah Palin would order a moosehead and a shot. Clinton, he's still trying to tap the keg. You know, so why would you want to drink with any of these people?

Hey, no sign of the North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. A lot of speculation. Nobody's seen him. They say if he is not in the public eye for at least six months, you know what happens? He winds up on 'Dancing with the Stars.'

In international news, 60% of the people in the country of Jordan say they find Americans to be rude. Actually, that's not so bad, when you consider 60% of people in other Middle Eastern countries think we're Satan. ...We're moving up!