One week, and Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States. I'm telling you, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary.

Bill and Hillary Clinton helped drop the ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But it was frigid. It was bitter cold, it was icy. And that’s just their marriage, ladies and gentlemen.

The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It's that cold.

Hillary Clinton is going to be secretary of State in the Obama Administration. Well, political insiders are now saying that Barack and Hillary actually have a good working relationship, but they don't have a close personal relationship. No, wait a minute, that's Hill and Bill.

Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she'll be named Secretary of State. They're talking about that. And she'll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes.

Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.

Now this is a tough process because when, you know, you are going to appoint to you a Cabinet-level position, there is a whole process. It is a vetting process. And a questionnaire, and there was some trouble, because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen this. Turns out, she was married to a guy who was once impeached.

How about this, they're talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.

But I'm telling you, ladies and gentlemen, in the world of politics, there is always something that goes haywire, always something that screws up, always something that ruins a lovely event. There is always that bump in the road, and it happened earlier today at the White House. An historic meeting, you have Barack Obama meeting with George W. Bush, and he showed up there for his orientation tour. So did Hillary.

How about that Hillary? She's all upset because they have been using her recorded message of her criticizing Barack Obama. The McCain campaign got ahold of this audio where Hillary is saying unflattering things about Barack Obama, and they're using them now. They call it one of those robocalls. Do you ever get some of those? Hillary is furious, because she wanted to make those calls herself.

And did you hear what happened down in Washington, DC, earlier today? Guards had to wrestle and apprehend an intruder who was trying to jump over the White House fence. Nice try, Hillary.

Celebrity birthdays, do you like celebrity birthdays? Hillary Clinton, 61 years old yesterday, how about that? Hillary and Bill shared a quiet birthday dinner, followed by a quiet breakfast, followed by a quiet lunch.

By the way, if you want to get Hillary a gift, you can't go wrong with a gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Bitterness.

You know, that's what people are saying, they're saying that Sarah Palin is transmitting, every time she blinks, it's some sort of coded message that she's transferring over the television to the public. I remember the same thing, Hillary Clinton, same thing. Do you remember that? She used to actually -- this is true -- she used to send coded messages by opening and closing her pantsuit.

Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.

That's right, Hillary Clinton's celebrating 32 years of marriage to Bill, or as Hillary likes to call it, 'the Bridge to Nowhere.'

But the big wedding anniversary; I mean, at least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year, so that's nice.

But, you know, when Sarah Palin and John McCain make an appearance together, there's always a brief hug, just kind of a brief hug. No kissing. So whenever you see them, like on stage some place or getting on or off a plane or whatever on TV, a brief hug, no kissing. ... It's just like Bill and Hillary.

I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but this Democratic convention, they’re trying to be environmentally friendly. Even the confetti that they drop, that’s actually shredded Clinton subpoenas.

Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I'm telling you, Nancy Pelosi's face almost moved.

And then what they did, they showed an inspirational film about the political career of Hillary Clinton, and whoa -- moving, terribly dramatic and very insightful The name of the film about Hillary Clinton I believe was entitled 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.

Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 AM call, it's from a collection agency.

Politics is a dirty business. Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president, and the Republicans are already busy digging up dirt. They found out that once in her lifetime she slept with Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton's been getting in the way of Hillary's campaign. Can you believe that? She's really upset about it, so she's encouraged him to start dating again.

It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the "Nutcracker." Not the ballet, Hillary.

Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it's sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family.

But don't discount Hillary Clinton, because she's nothing if not shrewd. … Don't ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? ... Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She's going to marry John McCain.

Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president, if you don't count James Buchanan.

Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 AM phone call commercial that she's been running? Well, she's got another one of those, and the phone rings at 3 AM, Hillary answers the phone, she picks it up, and she says "Stop bothering me, President Obama!"

Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, "Hey, easy, lady, we're not married."

You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There's some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems.

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, "Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards."