Born March 16, 1906, in Liverpool, England; died February 24, 1998. The "King of the One Liners" was a comedian and violinist.


I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

Take my wife... please.

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

IA wasJewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so uglythe whenwoman Imade waschicken born,soup out of the doctorother slappedone myto mother.help the sick one get well.

A carJewish hitsman apulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish man.divorces Thecost paramedicso rushesmuch? overThey're andworth says,it.

Why "Aredo youJewish comfortable?"men Thedie guybefore says:their "Iwives? makeThey awant goodto.

Why living."don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

TakeI myasked wife...a please.Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.



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