John Stewart on George W. Bush

You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn't be our president. He should be our mascot. (said while watching Bush at the Olympics)

President Bush left for the Olympic Games early, in an effort to beat the traffic, landing in South Korea for a day of trade talks. ... It seemed like just another ordinary trip for the president, except, it's is his 134th visit to a foreign country! It's a record! He's now officially -- this is true -- our most traveled president in history. It's a little suspicious. Perhaps validating what I have been saying all along: President George W. Bush either has a thirst for international knowledge or is a drug mule.

Conan O'Brien on George W. Bush

The Republican Convention is next week. John McCain's campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. He also told Bush that the convention starts in December.

The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis.

David Letterman on George W. Bush

President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'

President Bush will be in China for the Olympics. He's gonna be there for the opening ceremonies, and also, while he's there, he will be searching for 'Lo Mein of Mass Destruction.' Hey, by the way, President Bush is on a trip to Asia, ladies and gentlemen. He will be spending the entire week in the Orient. Usually Bush is in the disorient.

More George W. Bush Jokes

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

I remember back during the 2004 presidential debate that President Bush said and I quote "I mis-DIS-pronunciated a word." again, misDISpronunciated a word. And I was thinking after he got re-elected, "If this is how the president is chose, I think Frank Caliendo as President could do better with Denis Leary as the Vice President."