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Cattle for the Bushes

Air Force One has just landed in Washington. President George W. Bush just got back from his ranch in Crawford, Texas. As the exit ramp is wheeled up, the President appears with feed sacks in his arms. The Marine on the ground awaits President Bush, who is going down the steps. The Marine salutes Mr. Bush.

Bush says, "Pardon me, sir, but my hands are full. I can't respond to your salute."

"Yes Sir! I see your feed sacks, Sir!" replies the Marine. "Those sacks contain food for your cattle."

"Now just a minute," says Bush. "These are no ordinary cattle. These are genuine Grade A Texas Longhorns."

"Yes Sir! Longhorns Sir!" says the Marine.

"I have three of them," Bush explains. "One of these is for Laura. The other two are for Jenna and Barbara."

The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! A superb trade Sir!"



Seth Meyers on George W. Bush
Despite warnings from the Secret Service over security concerns, President Elect Barack Obama said this week that he is unwilling to give up his Blackberry, Sort of the same way Bush wouldn't give up his Leapfrog.


It's official. For the next 4 years, it will be pronounced 'Nuclear'.

Craig Ferguson on George W. Bush

Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn't it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?

Today Barack Obama announced his economic team. President Bush is working closely with them. Obama said his team has many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being maybe that President Bush is working closely with them.

Bill Maher on George W. Bush

Americans were so sick of Bush, that 7 years after 9/11, they said, "You know what sounds good? A black guy with a Muslim name."

Did you see Obama's news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It's been years since they've heard a complete sentence.

Now, President-elect Obama got a very special call from President Bush the other day. Bush acknowledged the historic nature of Obama's win, and then he said, 'and you know, you don't sound that black on the phone.'

Bush, by the way, had a big, sort of a tearful farewell to his staff the other day in the Rose Garden, and it came out that he's shopping his memoirs. They're called The Audacity of 'Huh?'

Couple of problems. He hasn't been offered as much money as he thinks he deserves for his memoirs, and when they asked him to write an autobiography, he said, 'I don't really know that much about cars.'

To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to.

As if all this news is not bad enough, today, President Bush announced he's on the case. Because if there's one name that comes to mind when you're in a no-room-for-error crisis, it's George Bush.

Oh, and he is pissed about the trillion dollar thing. Usually, when he spends that kind of money on a country, he gets to bomb the shit out of it, too.

This is the first convention I could remember, where they didn't say the name of the man who should be the titular head of the party. He is the president of the United States, George Bush. Except for the protestors outside, you never heard that name, or any reference to George Bush, except for the part about loving children with special needs.

Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack.

Stephen Colbert on George W. Bush

Today, I have to say, it's been a roller coaster of emotion for me. This morning, the president gave a press conference, which always has me at the edge of my seat. They're like the Olympics. They happen once every four years, and you're pretty sure, in the end, China is going to win. But this one was particularly bittersweet, folks, because it was President Bush's last [on screen: the crowd cheers]. No, shh, shh. Don't hide your grief. Has it really been eight years? It seems that just yesterday, he was a young Texas governor with an impressive record. He'd won over almost as many voters as he had executed. I never thought the end of the Bush presidency would come so soon. But today, I had to begin the painful process of saying hello to good-bye.

The Word - Sacrifice	Tribute to the Bush Administration - Christine Ebersole
The Last Bush Effigy	Bush and the Press
Bush Presidency Aged Us	Bush's Last Press Conference
The Word: Powerless	Bush Kisses Streisand

More George W. Bush Jokes

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

I remember back during the 2004 presidential debate that President Bush said and I quote "I mis-DIS-pronunciated a word." again, misDISpronunciated a word. And I was thinking after he got re-elected, "If this is how the president is chosen, I think Frank Caliendo as President could do better with Denis Leary as the Vice President."