Born May 12, 1937, in New York, Carlin got his start on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Died June 22, 2008

Below you will find the best jokes George Carlin ever came up with. If you see any missing ones, join the site and add them.


George Carlin Tribute Video
George Carlin's Best Jokes on Video

Classic George Carlin Jokes

IThink thinkof it'show stupid the dutyaverage person is, and realize half of thethem are stupider than that. A house comedianis just a place to findkeep your stuff while you go out whereand get more stuff. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man? living in the linesky, iswho watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he drawndoesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and crossfire itand smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. You know the good part about all those executions deliberately.in Texas? Fewer Texans. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. “No comment” is a comment. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. How is it possible to have a civil war? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Get on the plane, get on the plane. I say, F**K YOU! I'm getting IN the plane! Evel Knievel can get ON the plane. There seems to be less wind in here! How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? In America anyone can become President. That's the problem. If God dropped acid, would he see people? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “s” in it? Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket? If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that s**t? Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a c**ksucker from Guatemala.” I never f**ked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos. What year did Jesus think it was? The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. I’m in shape. Round is a shape. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac? You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.