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Larry Walters was a truck driver, but his lifelong
dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school,
he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when
he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself
with watching others fly the fighter jets that
crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat
there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of
flying. Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea. He
went down to the local army-navy surplus store and
bought a tank of helium and forty-five weather
balloons. These were not your brightly colored party
balloons; these were heave-duty spheres measuring more
than four feet across when fully inflated.
Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the
balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in
your own back yard. He anchored the chair to the
bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with
helium. Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and
loaded a BB gun, figuring he could pop a few of those
balloons when it was time to return to earth. His
preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair
and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily
float back down to terra firma. But things didn't
quite work out that way.
When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up;
he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up
a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he
finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that
height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the
balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really
experience flying! So he stayed up there, sailing
around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss as to how
to get down. Eventually, Larry drifted into the
approach corridor for Los Angeles International
Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about
passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet
with a gun in his lap. (Now there's a conversation I'd
have enjoyed hearing!) LAX is right on the ocean, and
you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast
begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began
drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy
dispatched a helicopter to rescue him. But the rescue
team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft
from their propeller kept pushing his homemade
contraption farther and farther away. Eventually they
were able to hover over him and drop a rescue line
with which they gradually hauled him back to earth.
As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But
as he was being led away in handcuffs, a television
reported called out, "Mr. Walters, why'd you do it?"
Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied
nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
A few years ago, a city in the Netherlands had a
refuse problem. A once-clean section of town had
become an eyesore because people had stopped using the
trashcans. There were cigarette butts, beer bottles,
chocolate wrappers, newspapers, and other trash
littering the streets.
Obviously, the sanitation department was concerned,
so they sought ways to clean up the city. One idea was
to double the littering fine from 25 guilders to 50
guilders for each offense. They tried this, but it had
little effect. Another approach was to increase the
number of litter-agents who patrolled the area. This
was more of the same, that is, another "punish the
litterer" solution, and it, too, had little impact on
the problem.
Then somebody asked the following question: "What if
our trash cans paid people money when they put their
trash in? We could put an electronic sensing device on
each can as well as a coin-return mechanism. Whenever
a person put trash in the can, it would pay him 10
guilders." The idea, to say the least, whacked
everyone's thinking. The problem had been changed from
a "punish the litterer" one to one of "reward the law
abider". The idea had one glaring fault, however; if
the city implemented the idea, it would go bankrupt.
Half of Europe would come to use the trashcans!
Fortunately, the people who were listening to this
idea didn't evaluate it based on its practical merits.
Instead, they used it as a stepping-stone and asked
themselves: "What other ways are there in which we can
reward people for putting their refuse in the trash
cans?" This question lead to the following solution.
The sanitation department developed electronic
trashcans that had a sensing unit on the top that
would detect when a piece of refuse had been
deposited. This would activate a tape-recorder that
would play a recording of a joke. In other words,
joke-telling trash cans! Different trashcans told
different kinds of jokes (some told bad puns while
others told shaggy dog stories and still others told
snappy one-liners) and soon developed reputations. The
jokes were changed every two weeks. As a result,
people went out of their way to put their trash in the
trashcans, and the town became clean once again.
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique
device for testing the strength of windshields on
airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead
chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the
speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the
windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact,
it'll survive a real collision with a bird during
flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this
and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy
locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's
chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the
engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall
of the engine's cab. The British were stunned and
asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything
was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test
thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed
chicken.
It is common practice in England to ring a telephone
by signaling extra voltage across one side of the
two-wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When
the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the
two-wire circuit for the conversation. This method
allows two parties on the same line to be signaled
without disturbing each other. Anyway, an elderly lady
with several pets called to say that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called, and that on
the few occasions when it did ring her dog always
barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the
scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a
nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and
dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring.
He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a
ringing telephone. Climbing down form the pole, the
telephone repairman found:
1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground
post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling
current.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start
barking and urinating on the ground.
4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the
phone would ring
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric
hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for
medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had
worked up quite an appetite. The FBI was taping all
conversations at the hospital, and this conversation
took place when the agent in charge called a nearby
pizza delivery service to order.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas
and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go
through the front doors. We have them locked. You will
have to go around to the back to the service entrance
to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is
an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're
starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent.
Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the
service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors
locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were
drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear
deck of a home owned Irving Michaels, age 27. The men
were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but
the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of
the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal
escaped into a 3-foot diameter drainage pipe some 100
feet away from Mr. Michaels deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels
retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the
pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several
unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels
emptied the entire 5-gallon fuel can down the pipe and
tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to
admit defeat by wildlife, the determined man proceeded
to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the
sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent
fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had
come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited
the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a
submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31.
Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own
home, right over the heads of his astonished friends,
onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet
through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his
scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported,
"Followed by a loud thud.” Amazingly, he suffered only
minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool,"
Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a
cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I
wouldn't get hurt."
A man was in a work-related accident, and had to
fill out an insurance claim. The insurance company
contacted him and asked for more information. This was
his response:
"I am writing in response to your request for
additional information for block number 3 of the
accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the
cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I
should explain more fully and I trust the following
detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the
accident, I was working alone on the top section of my
new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I
discovered that I had, over the course of several
trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of
tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now
unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to
lower the items down in a small barrel by using a
pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole
at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground
level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the
tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back
to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly
to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident
reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my
surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the
rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid
rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the
vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming
down. This explains my fractured skull and broken
collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,
not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were
two knuckles deep into the pulley. "Fortunately, by
this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At
approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Devoid the weight of the tools, the barrel now
weighed approximately 20 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the
side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot
level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for
the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my
legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel
slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report,
however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain,
unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet
above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go
of the rope...
In my college dorm we play 'Assassin,' like lots of
students. Unlike most people, though, we use Silly
String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that if you
hit your target there's never an argument about
whether you really hit them because, well, they're
covered with Silly String(tm).
But for those two weeks you carry your Silly
String(tm) everywhere, even into classrooms where
you're automatically safe. So, there I was in this
Psychology class with my friend, and we were kind of
holding our Silly String at the ready while the
professor lectured.
The class was Psychology of Group Behavior, and the
professor was talking out our next assignment, which
concerned group norms. (Group norms are the unspoken
rules of a group, i.e. you don't grab someone else's
dining-hall tray and start eating off it). She was
telling us the project, which is to violate a group
norm blatantly and intentionally, and then write a
little two-page paper about it.
And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle and
gets up on the stage with the professor, and proceeds
to cover her in Silly String(tm). Needless to say
everyone figured out what was going on, and the
applause brought down the house.
He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.
/----------------------------------------------------------------\
M A R T I A L A R T S
- Learn Ancient Asian Techniques
- Develop Impressive Skills
- Learn the Art of Control
- Build Self-Confidence
- Protect Yourself
- Train with exotic Implements
- Achieve your Maximum Potential
New Class meets
Tuesday and Thursday, 7:00 PM
\----------------------------------------------------------------/
A martial arts teacher sent this design to the
printer, got two hundred copies, and put them up
around hi college campus. Tuesday night comes, and he
arrives at the gym at a quarter of seven. To his
amazement, there are already around two hundred
students there! Now, based on his beautiful poster, he
had expected a decent-sized group, but this was
extraordinary!
He glanced at his poster, and discovered why. The
printer had evidently reversed two letters when
typesetting the poster: the "T" and the "I" in the
title had been transposed...
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston
Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused
credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it
and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away
too. The following month the credit card company sent
him a very nasty note stating they were going to
cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return
of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it
was a computer error and told him they'd take care of
it.
The following month he decided that it was about time
that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring
that if there were purchases on his account it would
put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in
the first store that he produced his credit card in
payment for his purchases he found that his card had
been cancelled. He called the credit card company who
apologized for the computer error once again and said
that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that
payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken
to the credit card company only the previous day the
latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it,
trusting that the company would be as good as their
word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he
had 10 days to pay his account or the company would
have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving
in he thought he would play the company at their own
game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer
duly processed his account and returned a statement to
the effect that he now owed the credit card company
nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called
him asking him what he was doing writing a check for
$0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the
$0.00 check had caused their check processing software
to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks
from ANY of their customers that day because the check
for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The
following month the man received a letter from the
credit card company claiming that his check had
bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
sent a check by return of post they would be taking
steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a
computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter
instead.
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize
at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. In
his project he urged people to sign a petition
demanding strict control or total elimination of the
chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good
reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the
chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Forty-three said yes,
six were undecided, and only one knew that the
chemical was...WATER!!
The title of his prize-winning project was, "How
Gullible Are We?" He was attempting to show how
conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing
junk science and spreading fear of everything in our
environment.
Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is
perhaps the best documented, the most disturbing and
the most difficult to explain.
The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 years before
Christ. When she died, she was laid in an ornate
wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on
the banks of the Nile.
In the late 1890's, 4 rich young Englishmen
visiting the excavations at Luxor were invited to buy
and exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the
remains of Princess Amen-Ra. They drew lots.
The man who paid several thousand pounds had the
coffin taken to his hotel. A few hours later, he was
seen walking out towards the desert. He never
returned.
The next day, an Egyptian servant shot one of the
remaining 3 men accidentally. His arm was so severely
wounded it had to be amputated.
The 3rd man in the foursome found on his return
home that the bank holding his entire savings had
failed. The 4th guy suffered a severe illness, lost
his job and was reduced to selling matches in the
street.
Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing
other misfortunes along the way), where a London
businessman bought it. After 3 of his family members
had been injured in a road accident and his house
damaged by fire, the businessman donated it to the
British Museum.
As the coffin was being unloaded from a truck in
the museum courtyard, the truck suddenly went into
reverse and trapped a passer-by. Then as 2 workmen
were lifting the casket up the stairs, 1 fell and
broke his leg. The other, apparently in perfect
health, died unaccountably two days later.
Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian
room, trouble really started. Museum's night watchmen
frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing from
the coffin. Other exhibits in the room were often
hurled about at night. One watchman died on duty,
causing the other watchmen to quit.
Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too.
When a visitor derisively flicked a dust cloth at the
face painted on the coffin, his child died of measles
soon afterwards.
Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried
down to the basement. Figuring it could not do any
harm down there. Within a week, one of the helpers
was seriously ill, and the supervisor of the move was
found dead on his desk.
By now, the papers had heard of it. A journalist
photographer took a picture of the mummy case and when
he developed it, the painting on the coffin was of a
horrifying, human face. The photographer was said to
have gone home, then locked his bedroom door and shot
himself.
Soon afterwards, the museum sold the mummy to a
private collector. After continual misfortune (and
deaths), the owner banished it to the attic. A
well-known authority on the occult was seized with a
shivering fit and searched the house for the source of
"an evil influence of incredible intensity."
She finally came to the attic and found the mummy
case. "Can you exorcise this evil spirit?" asked the
owner.
"There is no such thing as exorcism, evil remains
evil forever.
Nothing can be done about it. I implore you to get
rid of this evil as soon as possible. "But no British
museum would take the mummy; the fact that almost 20
people had met with misfortune, disaster or death from
handling the casket in barely 10 years was now well
known.
Eventually, a hardheaded American archaeologist
(who dismissed the happenings as quirks of
circumstance) paid a handsome price for the mummy and
arranged for its removal to New York. On the night of
April 14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the
Princess Amen-Ra accompanied 1,500 passengers to their
deaths at the bottom of the
Atlantic. The ship was the Titanic.
I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was
thinking of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba
platform. My father managed to get me one from the
F.A.A. where he worked. (Don't ask. I never did).
What he brought me was one of those Air Force
survival rafts that they issue to bomber crews with up
to 10 men. I couldn't wait to test it, so I called
Jason, and told him to come on over. I took the back
seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down.
This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back without
the hatch. Jason got over to my place, just as our
girlfriends showed up. They had come over to see if we
wanted to go swimming. I crammed the raft, and both
girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and
Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off.
I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma City to head for one of
the area lakes. The windows were down and the hot
August wind was roaring through the car like a minor
hurricane. My girlfriend started complaining about the
wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tangled
in her hair. I told her not to mess with the tag, but
she got mad and gave it a good hard yank, intending to
throw it out the window.
Can you guess what that little red tag was for? Yep,
that dang raft started to inflate right there in the
VW! It takes about 15 seconds for one of those things
to inflate, and for the first 5 seconds or so I was
frozen with something of a mixture fear, amazement,
and a sense of “this really can't be happening!'' In
the 6th second the raft started pushing my head down
against the steering wheel hard enough that I couldn't
really see where I was going, and started pushing the
windows that weren't down out of their frames, and
onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the
raft was fully inflated.
I managed to push my head up enough to see where I
was going, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on
the road. By this time the real chaos had started. The
girls were screaming their fool heads off, Jason was
laughing like an idiot, and the Oklahoma Highway
Patrolman that had been following me when all this
started had turned on his siren.
I finally got the car to the center median, and
stopped. I got hold of the door handle to open the
door and pulled. The door shot open, and the raft
exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of it. When I
got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop
laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks,
and having a hard time breathing.
I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and
the raft started to deflate. By this time the cop was
breathing again and somewhat coherent. He came over
and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever
seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket? He said
no, he just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. We
folded the raft as best we could and went back to my
place. The real fun was trying to convince my
insurance company that all that glass damage really
was because a life raft had inflated inside the car.
They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster
had talked to the OHP cop.
A white lady on business arrived in LA in the heat
of the rioting. She was very nervous and distressed
about her safety and the danger she felt lurked around
every corner. After checking in at the front desk she
headed to the elevator. Upon arriving at the elevator
there were already 3 black men on it. She quickly
debated with herself about the situation. "This is
ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men,
here in the middle of a reputable hotel. Ok, no
problem, I'm going to ride this elevator, etc...."
She then stepped into the elevator and quickly
turned her back on the 3 men and faced the door.
Shortly after the door closed, she heard one of the
men say, "Hit the floor, lady." She immediately
dropped to her stomach in terror. Upon her quick dive
for the floor the 3 men broke out hysterically in
laughter. The man after all, had simply meant for her
to select the floor she wished to go to. She was
terribly shaken and embarrassed about the whole thing,
but tried to shake it off as she had several days of
business to attend to. At the end of her stay she went
to check out of the hotel and pay for her room. To her
confusion the clerk informed her that her room had
been taken care of. He then handed her a note and
explained that the person who had picked up the tab
for the room had left it.
And the note said:
Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an
elevator!
Eddie Murphy
In the New Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen.
Duncan Scott, a
Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment to
a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another
senator. The Scott amendment would have dramatically
changed the face of New Mexico's legal system:
The amendment said: "When a psychologist or
psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competency
hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a
cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall.
The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars
and lightning bolts.
"Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall
be required to don a white beard that is not less than
18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial
elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a
wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides
expert testimony regarding a defendant's competency,
the bailiff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom
lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong."
The bill, with the wizard amendment, passed the
Senate by voice vote and cleared the House 46-14.
Unfortunately, Gov. Gary Johnson vetoed the
legislation.
STUPID LOCAL LAWS
1. In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male
person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to
wink at any female person with whom he is
unacquainted."
2. In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the
same tub at the same time.
3. In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give
lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated
animals kept as pets.
4. In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while
wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. << Note:
this law isn't silly. Write your legislators today and
get this PASSED in your area now!>>
5. In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of
any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
6. In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a
street while walking on your hands.
7. In Chico, California, the city council enacted a
ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone
detonating one within city limits.
8. In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay
from a second-story window within the city limits.
It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
9. In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip
off her clothing while standing in front of a man's
picture.
10. In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to
appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
11. In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16
women live in a house together because that
constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can live
together, without breaking the law.
12. In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own
hair without her husband's permission.
13. In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball
at someone's head for fun.
14. The state of Washington has passed a law stating
it is illegal to paint polka dots on the American
flag.
15. In order for a pickle to officially be considered
a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
16. To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking
up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that
it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to
animals at the local zoo.
17. If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are
breaking the law.
18. Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it
is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see
who pays for the coffee.
19. Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA
unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.
20. The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in
Hayden, AZ. Disturbing them in the city limits is
against the law.
21. Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This
state forbids a person from taking a bite out of
another person's hamburger.
22. Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can
buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a
television!
23. In the state of New York, you need a license to
use a clothesline outdoors.
24. What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won't
be found in Lehigh NE. Selling doughnut holes in this
city is verboten.
25. And if any retirees from the circus are thinking
about settling down and farming in NC, they are
forewarned right here and now that it is against the
law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton
fields!
26. It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month
within Boston confines.
27. Two people cannot kiss in front of a church.
28. All Public Displays of Affection (PDA’s) are
forbidden on Sunday.
29. Pedestrians always have the right of way.
30. Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the
public gardens/ commons at any time except Sundays.
31. In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the
books that requires businesses within the city to
provide rails for tying up horses.
32. In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on
a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however
legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at
any price and to give free gifts with it, such as
anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!
33. In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years
ago, the Farmer's Anti-Automobile society set up some
"rules of the road." In effect, they said:
a. "Automobiles traveling on country roads at night
must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten
minutes for the road to clear."
b. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull
to one side of the road and cover his machine with a
blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend
into the scenery."
c. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car
on the road, the owner must take his car apart and
conceal the parts in the bushes."
34. Utah: It is against the law to fish from
horseback.
35. In Bexley, Ohio, the installation and usage of
slot machines in outhouses is prohibited.
36. Indiana: Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in
South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and
sentenced to pay a 25-dollar fine and the trial costs.
37. No one may catch fish with his bare hands in
Kansas.
38. California: In 1930, the City Council of Ontario
passed an ordinance, forbidding roosters to crow
within the city limits.
39. In Harthahorne Oklahoma, City Ordinance states
that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person
in a display window.
40. In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it
LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows,
horses, goats, and chickens.
41. In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from
attending a movie house or other theater and from
riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating
garlic.
42. In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly
in any kind of strapless gown.
43. In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in
an automobile unless the act takes place while the
vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
44. In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a
street while walking on your hands.
45. In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the
clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories
from the pulpit during a church service.
46. In California, animals are banned from mating
publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or
place of worship.
47. In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat
his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt
can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's
consent to beat her with a wider strap.
48. In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing
suit on any highway within this state unless she be
escorted by at least two officers or unless she be
armed with a club" An amendment to the above
legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not
apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female
horses."
49. In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an
abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any
sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for
each offense.
50. In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have
a musical car horn.
51. A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror
films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays, or
Wednesdays.
52. Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public
streets on Sundays.
53. Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk
County, Virginia - provided that the hunter is fifteen
feet off the ground.
54. You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New
York, provided that you hold the hose in your hand
while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to
use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful.
55. Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone
caught leaning against a public building.
56. Loins may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.
57. Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter
anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for
the purpose of flirting or mashing.
58. In TX: It is illegal to walk around with a
concealed ice cream cone.
59. In Carmel, CA, it is illegal to eat ice cream
while standing on the sidewalk.
60. In Prunedale, CA, it is illegal to have two indoor
bathtubs in your house.
A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to
visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store.
She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it,
her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping.
When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the
woman, her hands still behind her head but with her
eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda
tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The
woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am
holding my brains in."
Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the
store where store officials called the paramedics.
They had to break into the car because the door was
locked. When they got in, they found that the woman
had bread dough on the back of her head and in her
hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded,
apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud
explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the
head. When she reached back to find what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
passed out from fright at first, then when she
regained consciousness, attempted to hold her brains
in!
The story goes that one day during an examination at
Cambridge University, a bright young student popped up
and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The
following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and
ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and
require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the
four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in
Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to
the section, which read (rough translation from the
Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request
and require Cakes and Ale". Pepsi and hamburgers were
judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat
there, writing his examination and happily slurping
away.
Three weeks later though, the student was fined five
pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation
of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the
coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I
say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR
course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY'S
ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an
entire summer going to the Harvard football field
every day wearing a black and white striped shirt,
walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen
minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing
a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end
of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home
football team, the referee walked onto the field and
blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a
half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the
field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and
graduated.
The US Department of the Interior has recently
changed the tags it uses to tag migratory birds. The
bands used to bear the address of the Washington
Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv.";
until the agency received the following letter from an
Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of
your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the
cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell
you it was horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport,
my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.
Since they needed the gate for another flight, the
aircraft was backed away from the gate while the
maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the
new gate number, which was some distance away.
Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a
third gate had been designated for us. After some
further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we
were settling in, the flight attendant made the
standard announcement, "We apologize for the
inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This
flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your
destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should
'deplane' at this time." A very confused-looking and
red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his
bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
Police in Yorkshire were busily watching for
speeding cars with there mobile radar equipment when
their equipment appeared to malfunction; it began to
clock a speeder at 300 mph....All was revealed a few
seconds later when a low flying Harrier jump jet
screamed over head.
The police registered a complaint regarding damaged
radar equipment with the MOD (UK Ministry of Defense).
The MOD replied that the damage could have been worse:
the Harrier's defense systems had latched onto the
radar and had gone into an automatic pre-emptive
strike made before the pilot decided enemy
anti-aircraft activity was unlikely along the
motorways of northern England...
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the
U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration
decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero
gravity confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and development, the Astronaut
Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1
million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a
pencil.
A woman called a computer help desk to inquire about
a problem. She explained to the man on the line her
problem, and he eventually figured out that a few
files were lost from a floppy disk. "Do you make
backups?" he asked hopefully.
"Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data
disks every day."
"Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and
I'll show you how to restore the files."
"You mean put it in the printer?"
"Huh? Put it in the disk drive."
"How am I going to do that?"
You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to
copy their disks, and neatly stored the pictures of
each disk in a filing cabinet. He suggested that they
fax a new copy of their disk to them.
Reaching my son at the Massachusetts Institute of
Technology on his fraternity-house phone was next to
impossible. Instead I began to e-mail him. This way,
when I reminded him to dress warmly, eat well and
study hard, I could feel confident that he'd received
my message.
After my second lengthy e-mail communiqué, he called
home and assured me that everything was fine. "By the
way, Mom," he said, chuckling, "I think you've
invented cybernagging."
Strange but True Stories
1. Fruit stall owner, Giuseppe Scirrocco, stopped
paying taxes two years ago because he couldn't afford
them. Officials in Milan, Italy recently landed him
with a 12-billion lira (app. US$7 million) tax bill.
2. Anton Wladich's snoring has become so loud since
breaking his nose, that most of his street's residents
in Warsaw, Poland, have moved house to escape the
noise.
3. Furious girls in Lodz, Poland, are demanding a
refund after paying US$800 to join a dating agency
which had 300 women - but just seven men.
4. An underwear factory in Volgrad, Russia, is
preventing redundancies (layoffs) by paying its staff
with 36 pairs of free knickers a month.
5. Trucker Boris Kalusch drowned after trying to drink
from the beer tanker he was driving. Police in Siberia
found his legs sticking from the inspection cover.
6. Six people taken to hospital from a reception in
Moscow were injured by flying champagne corks.
7. Scared Charles Hurden locked himself in his shed
for three days after he thought asteroids landed in
his garden in Sydney, Australia. They were luminous
balloons from a party 16 km away.
8. A man dubbed by police in Athens, Greece as The
Cigarette Saboteur has taken to attacking people he
sees smoking and forcing them to eat their remaining
cigarettes. The oddball has claimed seven victims in
six months.
9. A pervert who exposed himself on the Paris Metro
[subway] in France fled in horror when his victim - a
transvestite - flashed back.
10. Marauding moose have torn up seven light aircraft
in less than a week at Anchorage Airport in Alaska.
11. A golf match in Los Angeles, US, was abandoned
when a cow wandered onto the fairway, deposited a
cowpat on the 17th green and then chased the players.
12. Rain dancer Jose Carquirre has been charged with
manslaughter after six people died in a flood in
Arcos, Brazil.
13. A zookeeper was pinned to the ground and had his
trousers torn off - by a lovesick lady orangutan! Ken
Alrand had cared for Anna ever since her natural
mother rejected her in infancy. But he never realized
that she had developed a crush on him. As Alrand was
cleaning Anna's enclosure in Aalborg, Denmark, she
pounced on him and ripped his pants off. "She's
obviously fallen in love with me," says Alrand. "So
I'll keep my distance from now on."
14. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob
Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast,
when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof.
The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in
the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into
the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers
gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery
van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake
three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob
Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob
Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan
suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg,
and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said
he would recover.
15. While motorcycling through the Hungarian
countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line
just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he
sat idling, a farmer with a goat, which the farmer
tethered to the crossing gate, joined him. A few
moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti,
followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When
the train roared through the crossing, the horse
startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be
trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse
in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped
down from his cart and began scuffling with the
motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort
of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart
into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver
leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer
came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men.
As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was
strangled. At last report the insurance companies were
still trying to sort out the claims.
16. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal
head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of
Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace
near the center of the road. At the moment of impact
their heads were both out of the windows when they
smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with
severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
17. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his
wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare,
Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make
it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife
came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a
disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she
thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to
loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms
laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her
stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady
that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr.
Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife
were reconciled.
18. An unidentified English woman, according to the
London Sunday Express, was climbing into the bathtub
one afternoon when she remembered she had left some
muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and
was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the
door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would
come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table
if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into
the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the
back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the
sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was
the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.
"Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the
baker." The gasman blinked, excused himself and
departed.
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.
She gave each kid in the class the first half of the
proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.
Here is what the kids came up with:
1. Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the...bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...daylight savings time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
7. No news is...impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a...Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog...math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you...will stink in the
morning.
11. Love all; trust...me.
12. The pen is mightier than...the pigs.
13. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
14. Where there is smoke, there's...pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...not much.
17. Two is company; three's...The Musketeers.
18. None are so blind as...Helen Keller.
19. Children should be seen and not...spanked or
grounded.
20. If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.
21. You get out of something what you...see pictured
on the box.
22. When the blind lead the blind...get out of the
way.
23. There is no fool like...Aunt Edie.
24. A day without sunshine is like…night.
25. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry
and...you have to blow your nose.
26. A rolling stone…plays the guitar.
27. The grass is always greener…when you remember to
water it.
28. A bird in the hand is…a real mess.
29. No news is…no newspaper.
30. It's always darkest just before…I open my eyes.
31. If you can't stand the heat, don't…start the
fireplace.
32. Never put off till tomorrow what you…should have
done yesterday.
33. A penny saved is…nothing in the real world.
34. The squeaking wheel gets…annoying.
35. We have nothing to fear but…our principle.
36. To err is human. To…eat a muskrat is not.
37. I think, therefore I…get a headache.
38. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry,
and…someone yells, "Shut up!"
39. Better to light a candle than…to light an
explosive.
40. It's always darkest before…9:30 p.m.
41. Early to bed and early to rise…is first in the
bathroom.
42. A journey of a thousand miles begins with…a
blister.
43. There is nothing new under…the bed.
44. Don't count your chickens… - it takes too long.
Wise Advice From Kids
1. You can never trust a dog to watch your food. -
Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look
stupid?" don't answer him. --Heather, Age 16
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. -
Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. -
Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her
brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same
room as your homework assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of anyone when you're eating
crackers. - Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a
tic-tac. - Andrew, 9
12. Never try to hold a dust buster and a cat at the
same time. -Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk. - Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a
horse. - Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. -
Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a
baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to
your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19. Don't try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
20. Never jump out of a second story window using a
sheet for a parachute. - Age 10
21. Never spit when on a roller coaster. - Scott, Age
11
22. Never do pranks at a police station. - Sam, Age 10
23. Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's
moving. - Rob, Age 10
24. Never tell your little brother that you're not
going to do what your mom told you to do. - Hank, Age
12
25. Remember you're never too old to hold your
father's hand. - Molly, Age 11
26. Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
- Chelsey, Age 7
27. Never dare your little brother to paint the family
car. - Phillip, Age 13
28. Forget the cake. Go for the icing! - Cynthia, Age
8
29. If you spread the peas out on your plate it looks
like you ate more. - Age 6
30. When you want something expensive, ask your
grandparents. - Matthew, Age 12
31. Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears
are twitching. - Andrew, Age 9
32. Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. - Rocky, Age 9
33. If you are wearing suspenders with one strap down,
you need to be careful going to the bathroom. - Age 10
34. Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the
morning. - Stephanie, Age 8
35. Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the
shower. - Lamar, Age 10
36. Never bug a pregnant mom. - Nicholas, Age 11
37. Don't ever be too full for dessert. - Kelly, Age
10
38. Never ask for anything that costs more than five
dollars when your parents are doing taxes. - Carrol,
Age 9
39. When you have three of your wild friends in the
car the driver freaks. - Age 9
40. I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words
I can't. - Age 8
41. I've learned that just when I get my room the way
I like it mom makes me clean it up. - Age 13
42. I've learned that you can be in love with four
girls at the same time. - Age 9
43. I've learned that you can't hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk. - Age 7
44. I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop
at the same time, it will come out your nose. - Age 7
45. I've learned that when mommy and daddy shout at
each other it scares me. - Age 5
46. I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the
mornings he smells like a piece of Jolly Rancher
candy. - Age 10
47. I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they
help me swim faster because they're fish. - Age 7
48. I've learned that when I wave at people in the
country they stop what they're doing and wave back. -
Age 9
49. I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be
an artist. It's in my blood. - Age 8
50. I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way
they look. - Age 12
51. I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself
up, you should try cheering someone else up. - Age 13
52. I've learned that parents are very hard to live
with. - Age 12
53. I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy
doesn't always come. Sometimes he's broke. - Age 8
54. I've learned that if you talk too long on the
phone with a girl, your parents suspect something is
going on. - Age 11
55. I've learned that girls sweat just as much as
boys. - Age 11
56. I've learned if you put a June bug down a girls
dress, she goes crazy. - Age 6
57. I've learned that it always makes me feel good to
see my parents holding hands.-Age 13
58. I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black
crayon with a Tootsie Roll. - Age 10
59. I've learned that I would like to be a horse and
live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. -
Age 8
60. I've learned that I like my teacher because she
cries when we sing "Silent Night". - Age 7
61. I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play
ball with daddy because he gets mad when I drop the
ball. - Age 10
62. I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from
bending over. - Age 7
63. I've learned that the teacher always calls on me
the time I don't know the answer. - Age 9
64. I've learned how to hold animals without killing
them. - Age 5
65. I've learned that gold fish don't like jello. -
Age 5
66. I've learned that you should say your prayers
every night. - Age 9
67. I've learned that the older I get the less
attention I get. - Age 6
68. I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so
hard that she snorts. - Age 7
A KID’S EYE VIEW OF LOVE
1. WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE
YOU"?
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him.
But I hope he showers at least once a day." -
Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad
that they finally got it out and said it and now they
can go eat." - Dick, age 7
2. HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they
fall down and they don't get up for at least an
hour."- Wendy, age 8
3. CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR
PEOPLE.
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds
somebody else who has freckles too." - Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has
something to do with how you smell ... That's why
perfume and deodorant are so popular. - Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so
painful." - Manuel, age 8
4. ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your
life." - John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to
spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -
Glenn, age 7
5. ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already
in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -
Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm
handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to
marry me yet." - Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a
long time." - Christine, age 9
6. REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but
baseball is pretty good too."- Greg, age 8
7. HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mushy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't
wag their tails nearly as much." - Arnold, age 10
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they
can sit together in the dark." - Sherm, age 8
8. CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off
because they paid good money for them." - Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to
walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony
thing." - John, age 9
9. CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen
when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." - Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it
sometime." - Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We
were behind a tree." - Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide
from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was
five, but the girls keep finding me." - Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding
fourth grade hard enough." - Regina, age 10
10. THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER
TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt." - Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because,
even if you have tons of love, there is still going to
be a lot of bills." - Ava, age 8
11. SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE
WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy
stores." - Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." - Camille,
age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs
... and don't worry if their parents are right there."
- Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You
might get attention, but attention ain't the same
thing as love." - Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure
it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually
works for me." - Bart, age 9
12. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how
you can tell if he's in love." - Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their
food will get cold...Other people care more about the
food." - Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if
they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to
go out or they just broke up." - Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." - Sandra,
age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that
are on fire. They like to order those because it's
just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -
Christine, age 9
13. HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes
you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have
electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their
houses." - Gina, age 8
14. HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken
dolls." - Julia, age 7
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy
feelings get the best of you." - Brian, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." - Carin,
age 9
15. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." - Pam, age 7
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber
all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it." -
Tammy, age 7
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if
it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -
Roger, age 6
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you
like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be
forced to do it."
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't
want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then
you should marry them and have kids with them. It's
the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
16. HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to
work." - Dick, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up
the love." - Erin, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that
you never take out the trash." - Dave, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind
... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to
watch." - Natalie, age 9
17. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them
to get to know each other. Even boys have something to
say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies,
and that usually gets them interested enough to go for
a second date." Martin, age 10
18. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call
all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me
in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
19. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like if you like sports, she should like it that you
like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
20. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then." Camille, 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
fool to get married." Freddie, 6
21. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other
people." Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem
to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, 8
22. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
23. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I
wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I
did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her
come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
24. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come
chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
25. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she
looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were
gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions.
Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate
Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting
information comes from children, for they tell all
they know and then stop."
1. Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One
horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a
horse 500 feet in one second.
2. You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell
how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear
it you got hit, so never mind.
3. Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
4. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without
coming back down.
5. When they broke open molecules, they found they
were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open
atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
6. When people run around and around in circles we say
they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are
orbiting.
7. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really
understand.
8. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that
can point in any direction.
9. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but
somehow they still manage.
10. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still
knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
11. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212
degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and
boiling because there are 180 degrees between north
and south.
12. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its
mind which way it wants to go.
13. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the
letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all
means living forever.
14. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the
center of the Earth because of so much population
stomping around up here these days.
15. Lime is a green-tasting rock.
16. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils
while others preferred to be oil.
17. Genetics explain why you look like your father and
if you don't why you should.
18. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let
them know we know they're there.
19. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others
help make water, so sometimes it's brother against
brother.
20. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at
the sun. But I have never been able to make out the
numbers.
21. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is
evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of
things people forget to put the top on.
22. To most people solutions mean finding the answers.
But to chemists’ solutions are things that are still
all mixed up.
23. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope,
we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
24. Clouds are highflying fogs.
25. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the
clouds know how to do it, and that is the important
thing.
26. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and
around. And around. There is not much else to do.
27. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a
dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
28. A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
29. A monsoon is a French gentleman.
30. Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
31. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than
their names sound.
32. It is so hot in some places that the people there
have to live in other places.
33. The wind is like the air, only pushier.
These are actual excuse notes from parents(including
original
> spelling)
collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas
Medical Branch at
Galveston...
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
administrating.
Megan could not come to school today because she has
been bothered
> by very close veins.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He
had
(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [words were
crossed out in
the)'s].
> > >>>>
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
> > >>>>
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
P.E. today.
Please execute him.
> > >>>>
> Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
and I had her
shot.
> > >>>>
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
out of his
face.
> > >>>>
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
> > >>>>
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent
a weekend with the Marines.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He
had a cold and
could not breed well.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She
was in bed with
gramps.
> > >>>>
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the
doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat,
headache>and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever and>ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must
be something going around, her father even got hot
last night.
> > >>>>
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
Jan. 28, 29, 30,31,32, and
also 33.
> > >>>>
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
football. He
washurt in the growing part.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrhea
and his boots leak.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
fault.
> > >>>>
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have
to attend her
funeral.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to
> get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday, we
thought> it was Sunday
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin
puts together a list to try to give the faculty a
sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall
across the nation were born in 1981.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan
Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War
was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the
Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really
remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and
do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day
After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle
blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to
them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not
know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off,
but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a
pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record"
means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have
never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special
effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are
not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are
they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1
year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about
32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13
channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea
what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen were
introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were
cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as
WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea Americans were ever held hostage
in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?",
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de
plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea
who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew
where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
places, not groups.
42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV
Statistics About Americans
* Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never
do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women
trust their husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years
ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
* 3/4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our
offspring's homework.
* 91% of us lie regularly.
* 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
* 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something
from a store.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie
theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for
an item.
* Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over
2 years old.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would
abandon their friends, family, and religion.
* 7% would murder.
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from
the carton.
* 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
* 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
* The most popular candy is Snickers.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* 45% use mouthwash every day.
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
* Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.
* 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup
on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 62% of us pop our zits.
* 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
* 57% have had deja vu.
* 49% believe in ESP.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 44% have broken a bone.
* Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
* 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
* 15% regularly go to a shrink.
* 78% would rather die quickly than live in a
retirement home.
* 46.5% of men say they always put the seat down after
they've used the toilet, yet women claim to always
find it up.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the
toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom
while they're sitting the toilet.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
* 22% are functionally illiterate.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on
their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines to tellers.
* 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
* 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even
for a night for a million bucks.
* 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our
life.
* 40% of us have had music lessons.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook
and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary
(mostly men).
* 59% of us say we're average looking.
* Blacks are more than twice as likely to call
themselves beautiful.
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite
sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best
friends.
* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their
bride's hand.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front
of them.
* 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
On the average day....
* 10,501 Americans are born.
* 5,937 Americans die.
* 4,637 illegal aliens are apprehended trying to cross
the US border.
* 4,481 are Mexican.
* $412,104 is spent by the US border patrol, about $89
per alien apprehended.
* 39,109 pounds of marijuana are brought into the US.
* Of this, 3,911 pounds are seized by the DEA, about
10%.
* 2,239 pounds of cocaine are brought into the US.
* Of this, 224 pounds are seized by the DEA, about
10%.
* There are 290 drug-related emergency-room incidents;
of these,
* 14 are caused by marijuana
* Aspirin causes 15
* Valium causes 23
* 58 are caused by alcohol in combination
* 10 result in death.
* 256 Americans die in accidents, of these,
* 133 die in motor-vehicle accidents
* 55 die from exposure to household radon gas
* 6 die in construction accidents
* 5 die in firearms accidents
* American children watch 3.5 hours of television;
during which time they will see,
* 5 alcohol commercials
* 22 acts of violence
* 38 sexual references and innuendoes
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village
of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human
ratios remaining the same, it would look something
like the following:
1. There would be: 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from
the Western Hemisphere, and 8 Africans
2. 52 would be female, 48 would be male
3. 70 would be nonwhite, 30 would be white
4. 70 would be non-Christian, 30 would be Christian
5. 89 would be heterosexual, 11 would be homosexual
6. 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's
wealth and all 6 would be from the United States
7. 80 would live in substandard housing
8. 70 would be unable to read
9. 50 would suffer from malnutrition
10. 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
11. 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
12. 1 would own a computer
Real notices spotted around the world and written
by...well, "people whose first language is not
English".
1. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel
towels please. If you are not a person to do such a
thing is please not to read notis.
2. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to
complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11
A.M. daily.
3. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian
Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the
cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
4. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a
fit upstairs.
5. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit.
Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.
6. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals.
If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.
7. A sign in a Paris hotel: "Please leave your values
at the front desk"
8. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is
your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it"
9. Instructions in a Belgrade elevator: "To more the
cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order."
10. A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are
requested not to have children in the bar"
11. A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is
being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable."
12. From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists"
13. How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo
map: "Dirty Water Punishment Place"
14. Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter lift
backwards, and only when lit up"
15. Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not
to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in
the boots of ascension."
16. Sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take
one of our horse driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages."
17. From the instructions on a Japanese hotel air
conditioner: "Cooles and Heates: If you want just
condition of warm in your room, please control
yourself."
18. Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We
take your bags and send them in all directions"
19. From the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines
leave you nothing to hope for"
20. From a tourist brochure: "In the close village you
can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away."
21. Two signs in a Majorcan shops: "Here speeching
American" and “English well talking.”
22. Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your
convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient
self-service."
23. From a story in an East African newspaper: "A new
swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the
contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
24. Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your
utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
25. Detour sign in Japan: "Stop. Drive sideways."
26. Sign at a Swiss inn: "Special Today - no ice
cream"
27. Instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle:
"Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away"
28. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common,
but you'll find they are best in the long run.
Signs Sighted in London
1. Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please
remove all your clothes when the light goes out
2. London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
3. In an office: To the person who took the stepladder
yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will
be taken
4. Outside a farm: Horse manure per pre-packed bag
Do-it-yourself
5. In an office: After tea break staff should empty
the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
6. On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter
ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because
of the draft. Please use side door.)
7. Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything -
Bicycles, washing machines, ect… Why not bring your
wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
8. Sign outside a new town hall, which was to be
opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is
closed until opening. It will remain closed after
being opened. Open tomorrow.
9. Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: If
not back by five, out for dinner also
10. On the side of a road: Slow cattle crossing. No
overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
11. Outside a disco: SMARTS is the most exclusive
disco in town. Everyone welcome
12. A Hazard sign: QUICKSAND. Any person passing this
point will be drowned. By order of the district
council.
13. Notice sent to residents of a parish: Due to
increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we
must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard
to do their best to keep them in order
14. Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving
their garments here for more than 30 days will be
disposed of
15. Sign on motorway garage: Do not smoke near our
petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but out
petrol is
16. Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to
illness
17. Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in
your car
18. Seen during a conference: For anyone who has
children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on
the first floor
19. Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to
cross the field for free, but the bull charges
20. On a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet
will tell you how to get lessons
21. On a repair shop door: We can repair anything.
(Please knock hard on the door - The bell doesn't
work)
22. Sign at farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth
trespasser and the ninth one has just left
23. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"Do not activate with wet hands."
· In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our
plans for owning your home.
· In a Kentucky appliance store window: Don't kill
your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and
weekends.
· At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to
anyone in a glass container."
· In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider
our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
· On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will
be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." -Sisters
of Mercy
· On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38
years on the same spot."
· In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing
every night but Sunday."
· In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
· In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with
accuracy."
· In a New York medical building: "Mental Health
Prevention Center"
· On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and
tired of the Episcopal Church."
· On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers
the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
· At a number of military bases: "Restricted to
unauthorized personnel."
· On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
· In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
· In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men
with 16 and 17 necks."
· In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15
men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
· On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears
pierced"
· Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell
antiques."
· In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere
and be cheated when you can come here?"
· On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a
leak."
· In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the
last person to leave please extinguish the perpetual
light."
· In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited
from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
· On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
· On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing
without permission."
· On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under
water, this road is impassable."
· Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If
you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
Newspaper Headlines
· Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
· British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
· Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
· Eye Drops off Shelf
· Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
· Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
· Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
· Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
· Stolen Painting Found by Tree
· Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second
Time in 10 Years
· Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
· Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
· `84 War Dims Hope for Peace
· If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
· Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
· Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
· Deer Kill 17,000
· Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
· Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
· New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
· Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
· Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
· Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
· British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
· Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
· Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
· New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
· Air Head Fired
· Steals Clock, Faces Time
· Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
· Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
· Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
· Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
· Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
· Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
· Include your Children when Baking Cookies
· Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
· Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
· Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
· Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
· Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Actual excerpts from classified sections of city
newspapers
· Illiterate? Write today for free help.
· Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try
us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
· Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.
· Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
· Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be
willing to travel.
· Stock up and save. Limit: one.
· Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
· 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
preferred.
· Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.
· Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
· Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef
$2.25; Children $2.00
· For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.
· Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get
an extra pair to take home, too.
· We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do
it carefully by hand.
· For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
· Great Dames for sale.
· Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
beautiful condition.
· Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
· Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
· Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
· Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
· For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
· Man, honest. Will take anything.
· Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come
here first.
· Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the
hard-to-find person.
· Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
· Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke
or drink.
· Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
· Wanted. Widower with school age children requires
person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be
capable of contributing to growth of family.
· We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension
in your home for $1.00.
· Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered.
Like one of the family
· A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
· For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into
a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator,
spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
· No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle
spray will make it really repellent.
· Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique
lover.
· 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold
to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of,
and bottled by us last year.
· Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for
Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink
it all in.
· Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so
serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
· Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
· We build bodies that last a lifetime.
· Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
· This is the model home for your future. It was
panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
· For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
· See ladies blouses. 50% off!
· Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like
the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
· Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
· And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size,
unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Apparently these are true ads taken from various
Arkansas newspapers...
· FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKER SPANIEL- ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S
DOG
· FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD, UNPLEASANT
LITTLE DOG
· 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/ offer
· AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO
SELDOM WASHED.
· SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE. ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS
· FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
· 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1
3-finger, PAIR $15
· TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN
1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
· COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE
· 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000
· GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED, SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE.
· FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2
BATH HOME
· FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
· NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL
CHUBBIE ************
· BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE
PRODUCTS"
· SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
· FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT
AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD
· GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 ½
BOTTLES OF BEER.
· GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN 89 cents lb.
· NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE, SLIGHTLY
STAINED
· AMERICAN FLAG, 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
· NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE
PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE
RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE
RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD
· EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX
SPRINGS - $175
· OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100%
ITALIAN LEATHER
· JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER
$300
· LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
· ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO
REMEMBER
· GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
· OPEN HOUSE. BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE
AND DONUTS.
· KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
· FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb
· FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00
or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last
weekend. Wife knows everything.
From the radio:
· Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for
a ridiculous figure.
· Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High
Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase
their reproduction.
· When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink
in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p
after.
· Tune in next week for another series of classical
music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping
Castration.
Actual Label Instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears’s hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
2. On a Japanese soda machine: Soft drinks - Enjoy
refreshing taste while having a good time chatting!
(Friends sold separately.)
3. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter
special!)
4. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular
soap. (And that would be how?)
5. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion:
Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
6. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one
head. (Really?)
7. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of
the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You
lose!)
8. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be
hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's
experiment.)
9. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron
clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
10. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive
car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction incidents if we just kept
those 5 year olds off those forklifts.)
11. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
12. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For
indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in
outer space?)
13. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for
the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
14. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)
15. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (Have a lobotomy)
16. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a
home castration kit?)
17. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right,
destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
18. A Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of
children
19. Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid
radiator sealant: "Caution: DO NOT LICK LID"
20. Dr. Pepper bottle: "WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER
PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR OTHER
SERIOUS INJURY. POINT AWAY FROM PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY
WHILE OPENING."
21. From a newspaper article: "A
congressionally-funded study has determined that many
smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette
packages"
22. Top Cog fan belts instructions for replacement: Do
not change belt while the engine is running.
23. Indigo Owners Manual: Do not dangle the mouse by
its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.
24. Cloth roller restrooms towels: Warning! Improper
use may cause serious injury or death!
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight safety lecture and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples:
· "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
· As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"
· After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
· "Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
· "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and
in the event of an emergency water landing, please
take them with our compliments."
· Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've
reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off
the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too,
so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
the rest of the flight."
· "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before assisting children
or adults acting like children."
· "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
· "Last one off the plane must clean it."
· Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came
on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I
know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was
the asphalt!"
· Another flight attendants comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
· After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
· Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here a US Airways."
· And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We
are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on
this flight."
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the
maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that
pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs
replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very
rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main
landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces
a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief
search."
Announcements appearing in church bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and
medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to
announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of
Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South
and North ends of the church. Children will be
baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream
social. All ladies giving milk will please come
early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs.
Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed"
accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the
Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little
Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis
to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of
Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the
rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to
defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing
to do something on the new carpet will come forward
and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They can be seen in the church basement
Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps
Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon
Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda
attacks you. An anaconda is the largest snake in the
world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it
grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between
three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is
what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run.
The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight
against your sides, your legs tight against one
another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb
over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin
to swallow you from the feet and - always from the
end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and
ankles. Do not panic
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into
its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will
take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and
with as little movement as possible, reach down, take
your knife and very gently slide it into the side of
the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and
your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the
snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
LEAD STORIES
In November, in Denver, Colo., school board
candidate Lee McClendon lost his race despite a
vigorous campaign promising to improve kids'
performances in reading, writing, and basic math;
observers said the loss might have had something to do
with public awareness of his 1984 guilty plea for
attempted sexual assault of an 8-year-old boy, which
the victim had publicized after McClendon announced
his candidacy. However, the same day, voters in
Chauncey, Ohio, elected Edward W. Stoll, 48, to the
Village Council despite the fact that he goes to trial
in February on a rape charge.
Where's Barry Scheck When You Need Him? Malvin
Marshall, 27, was finally released from jail in North
Charleston, S.C., on October 29 after being locked up
for 6 weeks because a police field test had found that
he had heroin in his pocket. The state lab had
finally gotten around to analyzing the substance,
which was determined to be vitamin pills that had gone
through a wash cycle while in his pants pocket. Said
a police lieutenant, "The field test [is] not
foolproof."
The New York Daily News reported in November that
71-year-old twin sisters Ynette Sapp and Olvette Mahan
had just gotten plastic surgery (mole and wrinkles
removed) on their faces purely so they would continue
to look exactly alike. Said the doctor, the situation
is not that unusual; for example, another identical
pair was scheduled the next day.
GOVERNMENT IN ACTION
Recent European Unity Feuds: Farmers in Sweden are
still upset, according to a report by the country's
Bureau of Statistics in June, at their inability to
sell straight cucumbers in Europe; EU regulations
require prime cukes to bend 1 cm for every 20 cm's in
length. And Belgium and France were victorious in
October in a European Parliament vote to require that
chocolate be made only with cocoa butter and not with
substitute vegetable fats; a British Parliament member
complained that British chocolate has always been made
with little or no cocoa butter.
In September, an official government wristwatch with
the face of the prime minister of Malaysia went on
sale at the main parliament building in Kuala Lumpur,
retailing for about $470. And in June, in an
announcement on the first year of operation, the state
of Louisiana reported selling 100,000 of its own Royal
brand condoms. State health officials claim that it
is more economical to make their own than to subsidize
higher-priced, brand-named condoms for
high-disease-risk clients.
According to Chicago Sun-Times reports in June and
November, the Illinois Department of Children and
Family Services since 1995 has doled out $22.5 million
in cash and gifts to the most dysfunctional 1,370
families on their rolls, including almost $75,000 to
one mother of six. DCFS's "wraparound plans" are
designed to simulate middle-class environments so that
children can be raised by a natural parent, but
critics call the program a jackpot for precisely the
worst parents in the city, in that many have been
charged with abusing and neglecting their kids. Among
the goods included in a typical wraparound plan are:
electronic gear and "entertainment center," YMCA
membership, and aikido, basketball, and drama classes.
U. S. Rep. Sam Farr of California introduced a bill
this year to end a loophole in the federal
Unemployment Tax Act that made it possible for a Santa
Cruz, Calif., voting monitor, who was a retired county
worker, to grind out one grueling day at the polls in
November, claim the next day that he was "laid off,"
and thereby collect about $12,000 in benefits over a
two-year period.
According to an Associated Press dispatch in May,
scientists at the Department of Agriculture's meat
science research lab in Beltsville, Md., have
developed an explosion system to tenderize meat by
sending supersonic shock waves through it. The shock
waves literally rip the muscle tissue apart on a
microscopic scale, without any loss of taste. One
researcher said the process could be used commercially
within a year.
COURTROOM FOLLIES
In their divorce hearing In September in
Edwardsville, Ill., Karon Watt and Greg Watt were
arguing over ownership of the couple's cellular phone.
Suddenly, Greg's beeper went off, and he reached for
the phone to return a call, which infuriated Karon,
who snatched the phone out of his hand and fled the
courtroom. Greg caught up with her outside, where a
brief tussle ensued, which ended when Karon bit Greg's
arm, and Judge Randall Bono threatened to jail both
people for contempt of court. Bono awarded custody to
Karon.
In September, murder defendant Hosie Grant, 72,
seated on a bench in a courtroom in Little Rock, Ark.,
with other defendants at the daily arraignment
hearing, fell into a sound sleep as he awaited his
case to be announced. He was still asleep later when
his two daughters and a public defender entered a
not-guilty plea for him, but just then, a benchmate
shook him awake. Aroused from his slumber but not yet
aware of the proceedings, he impulsively arose and
shouted, "I plead guilty." He is charged with
stabbing a close friend to death, and the judge
permitted the not-guilty plea to stand.
In October, Italy's highest appeal court, the Court
of Cessation, ruled that the breakup of a marriage was
not the wife's fault even though she abandoned the
husband. The wife was able to demonstrate that for
two years of battling, and a fistfight, she was no
longer able to indulge her mother-in-law's presence in
the home, and the judges agreed the constant
interference was intolerable. Rome's largest
newspaper, La Repubblica, sympathized, calling the
typical Italian mother-in-law "unstoppable as a
panzer, omnipresent, overbearing, meddlesome, and
mischief-making."
And in August, a Tokyo District Court, citing
changing times, rejected a $38,000 claim by a man who
said his ex-wife, who worked full-time outside the
home, nonetheless had an obligation to do all the
housework.
WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME
In July, Gary and Marlene Johnston pleaded guilty in
Halton, Ontario, to cheating the government out of
$11,000 (Cdn) in welfare benefits. They had posed in
1995 as a destitute couple with two kids and assets of
only a 15-year-old car. However, in September 1996,
they purchased a house in a well-to-do neighborhood
and proceeded to park their two late-model cars and a
boat in the driveway. The new house was just down the
street from the house of their welfare caseworker, who
spotted them in the yard.
In October, James T. Hilton, who police said had
just carjacked a van in Bloomfield, N.J., was chased
by police in West Orange into the neighborhood of Our
Lady of the Valley Roman Catholic Church. Hilton
slowed down and was captured after accidentally
banging into two unmarked police cars driving slowly
down the street and leading a 5,000-officer funeral
procession for state trooper Scott M. Gonzalez.
CLICHES COME TO LIFE
In October, Tulsa, Okla., firefighters were called
to a church during a birthday party for Mabel
McCullough. The alarm had been triggered by smoke
from the candles on the cake of the 95-year-old woman.
In July, Missouri's new vehicle safety law took
effect, prohibiting people from riding in the open bed
of a pickup truck. However, an exception was provided
for a family transporting their kids where there are
too many to ride in the cab and where the truck is the
family's only vehicle. The sponsor called the
exception "the Jed Clampett amendment."
WORKING DUH!
At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap in the
kitchen area and put it in the refrigerator with a
sign that said, "Do not remove." It stayed there for
the final three weeks of my contract. I actually
witnessed Individuals taking it out, using it and
putting it back.
[Morgan's Note: A variation of this theme would be
a sign on the soap that reads, "Do not use with
water."]
[Another Morgan's Note: Another variation is a
sign on a cafeteria line: "Not to be taken
internally."]
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the
Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my
friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her
driver's license. She presented her West Virginia
drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her
and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID,
you could at least use a real state!" A manager was
required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
A report from a 9th grader: Our school campus has
twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were
two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I
overheard the workers arguing where to put the new
machine. They decided to put it next to the other
machine because that way people would notice it when
buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan.
The two machines sold the same drinks, and the new one
cost an extra 75 cents.
When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national
basis, I was able to convince one Individual that she
had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her clocks. To do
otherwise would violate federal law.
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that
the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin
safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned
this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder
why?" She replied, "Must be because the oil would
suffocate them."
My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer.
Every season we would have presentations on the latest
fashions from around the world. During one of these
presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of
jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in
London. He told us that they were from a very
exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each. An
individual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds!
How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!"
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went
to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door
asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license,
which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get
in here." I replied, "That ID is a few years old." He
looked at it again for a moment, then said, "Oh, OK"
and let me in.
At my previous company in the UK, a Quality
Initiative made use of posters around the office
featuring parts of motivating words such as'S CCESS'
and 'VAL E'. This was supposed to make you think that
what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of
the staff, a handwritten addition to the posters
appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.
There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the
following motto painted in two-foot high letters on
the storefronts of their several locations: "If it's
in stock, we've got it!"
The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor.
Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone
number she began calling. Each time she called, her
phone would ring. When she answered, no one was
there. This continued throughout the morning. When
later asked if she reached the vendor she explained
what was happening and demonstrated for her superior.
He noticed that the phone number she was calling
(which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN
PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling
herself.
Near 50 percent of all marriages in the United
States end in divorce.
Most of the time the cause is something as vague as
"irreconcilable differences." But sometimes the
reasons for divorcing are more specific. Here are some
examples:
A man in Tarittville, Connecticut, filed for divorce
because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator,
which read: "I won't be home when you return from
work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a
recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."
A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because
she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his
hamburger without first asking for permission."
The South Dakota Supreme Court upheld a divorce
court ruling in
September 1994, citing the husband as the cause of the
couple's troubles. The husband had, among other bad
habits, a tendency of passing gas around the house and
then getting angry with his wife when she complained.
The wife claimed her husband could easily regulate his
odoriferous emissions and would break wind as a
"retaliation thing."
A man in Long Island filed for divorce against his
wife claiming that she is a witch and routinely
practices ritualistic animal sacrifices.
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed
for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him
in sign language."
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her
husband because he forced her to "duck under the
dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's
house."
A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband
on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was
much too affectionate.
Teacher Jack Fesneau refused to speak to his wife
Christina for more than two years because of the way
she said, "I do" at their wedding. Christina, from
Quebec, Canada, has been granted a divorce.
A Judge granted a divorce to Percy Quentin because
his wife Thelma organized a lottery - with herself as
the prize. After selling 600 tickets at US$5 each in
Los Angeles, US, the winner was a 73-year-old man.
TOURIST QUESTIONS
These are questions that people actually asked of Park
Rangers around the country. Excerpted from Outside
Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121.
Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom --
where is it?
Is the mule train air-conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park, (Alaska):
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own
made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this
up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of
President Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but
where are the exits?
The following are actual stories told by travel agents
(and you wonder why US citizens generally score less
than the rest of the world on geography)...
I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart
Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was
fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted
"I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat
so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being
near the window.
A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to explain the length of the
flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look
stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is
in Africa." Her response.... click.
A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los
Angles. She gave me various names off a list, none of
which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list.
To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los
Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A.
Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even
embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried
to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in
the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me.
I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to
see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but
they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in
Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he
had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why
he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was
a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the
gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20
a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to
explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but she could not understand the concept of time
zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast,
and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT,
and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After
putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and
explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that
the airline was just putting a destination tag on her
luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what
exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes
have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant
to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said,
"Yea, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he
needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I
double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been
to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."
A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go
from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was
at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you
sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do you have?" replied the customer. After some
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The
customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows
where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map
of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was
a big animal!"
In the weeks before Christmas the British ambassador
in Canada received a phone call from the CBC (CBC
Canadian Broadcasting Company, a Canadian TV station).
The CBC representative on the other end of the line
thanked the ambassador for his prompt arrival at
interviews etc, and for a generally good year. The
ambassador returned the thanks. The CBC representative
then asked the ambassador what he wanted for
Christmas.
Thinking that it might be inappropriate for him to
accept a gift, the ambassador said that he didn't
think that it was a very good idea. However, The CBC
representative insisted, and in the end the ambassador
said that he wanted a small box of crystallized
fruits.
The CBC rep seemed a little puzzled at this answer,
but they ended the conversation and the ambassador
thought nothing more of it.
Later that month, on Boxing Day, the ambassador was
sitting watching the news on TV with his family when
he was treated to this item at the end:
"Before Christmas, we asked three foreign ambassadors
what they wanted for Christmas. The French ambassador
said that he wanted world peace and an end to
suffering, the German ambassador said that he wanted a
cure for cancer, and the British ambassador said that
he wanted a small box of crystallized fruits...."
TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) - A company is trying to erase
an embarrassing mistake it made on pencils bearing an
anti-drug message. The pencils carry the slogan: "Too
Cool to Do Drugs." But a sharp-eyed fourth-grader in
northern New York noticed when the pencils are
sharpened; the message turns into "Cool to Do Drugs"
then simply "Do Drugs..."
One day while leaving work I saw the security guard
for our building, looking confused, standing in the
parking lot. I asked what the problem was, and she
replied that her car was missing. Suddenly she
recalled that earlier in the day she had ordered a car
towed from the reserved parking area. It was her car.
A man named Hugh Gallagher wrote this essay when he
was applying for college. Hugh now attends New York
University.
3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our
college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we
ask that you answer the following question: Are there
any significant experiences you have had, or
accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to
define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and
crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train
stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I
tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with
unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran
in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon
Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, the Mets scouted me, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build
large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban
hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a
ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my
original line of corduroy eveningwear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the
weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with
a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat a
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame
in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects
with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby
Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I
do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of
physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills
are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I
participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals
using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and
spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken
with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was the creator of the
world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes. Once, he told
this story about a time that he was waiting at a
taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When
a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in
himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where
he wanted to go, the driver asked him: ”Where can I
take you, Mr. Doyle?” Doyle was flabbergasted. He
asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The
driver said: ”No Sir, I have never seen you before.”
The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that
he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: ”This
morning's paper had a story about you being on
vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where
people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your
skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The
ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me
that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English,
and not French. Adding up all those pieces of
information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan
Doyle.” Doyle said: ”This is truly amazing. You are a
real-life counter-part to my fictional creation,
Sherlock Holmes. “ There is one other thing,” the
driver said. ”What is that?” ”Your name is on the
front of your suitcase.”
---
This is an actual job application someone submitted at
a McDonald's
fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously,
whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and
a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible
make an offer
and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of
stolen pens
and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It stunk.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be
here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living
in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who
thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like
to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO
THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove
otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently
issued this bulletin:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly
bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game
is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take
extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the
field.
"We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't
expecting them.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray
with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs
of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the
difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of
berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has
little bells in it and smells like pepper."
dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school,
he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when
he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself
with watching others fly the fighter jets that
crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat
there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of
flying. Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea. He
went down to the local army-navy surplus store and
bought a tank of helium and forty-five weather
balloons. These were not your brightly colored party
balloons; these were heave-duty spheres measuring more
than four feet across when fully inflated.
Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the
balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in
your own back yard. He anchored the chair to the
bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with
helium. Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and
loaded a BB gun, figuring he could pop a few of those
balloons when it was time to return to earth. His
preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair
and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily
float back down to terra firma. But things didn't
quite work out that way.
When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up;
he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up
a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he
finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that
height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the
balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really
experience flying! So he stayed up there, sailing
around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss as to how
to get down. Eventually, Larry drifted into the
approach corridor for Los Angeles International
Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about
passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet
with a gun in his lap. (Now there's a conversation I'd
have enjoyed hearing!) LAX is right on the ocean, and
you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast
begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began
drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy
dispatched a helicopter to rescue him. But the rescue
team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft
from their propeller kept pushing his homemade
contraption farther and farther away. Eventually they
were able to hover over him and drop a rescue line
with which they gradually hauled him back to earth.
As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But
as he was being led away in handcuffs, a television
reported called out, "Mr. Walters, why'd you do it?"
Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied
nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
A few years ago, a city in the Netherlands had a
refuse problem. A once-clean section of town had
become an eyesore because people had stopped using the
trashcans. There were cigarette butts, beer bottles,
chocolate wrappers, newspapers, and other trash
littering the streets.
Obviously, the sanitation department was concerned,
so they sought ways to clean up the city. One idea was
to double the littering fine from 25 guilders to 50
guilders for each offense. They tried this, but it had
little effect. Another approach was to increase the
number of litter-agents who patrolled the area. This
was more of the same, that is, another "punish the
litterer" solution, and it, too, had little impact on
the problem.
Then somebody asked the following question: "What if
our trash cans paid people money when they put their
trash in? We could put an electronic sensing device on
each can as well as a coin-return mechanism. Whenever
a person put trash in the can, it would pay him 10
guilders." The idea, to say the least, whacked
everyone's thinking. The problem had been changed from
a "punish the litterer" one to one of "reward the law
abider". The idea had one glaring fault, however; if
the city implemented the idea, it would go bankrupt.
Half of Europe would come to use the trashcans!
Fortunately, the people who were listening to this
idea didn't evaluate it based on its practical merits.
Instead, they used it as a stepping-stone and asked
themselves: "What other ways are there in which we can
reward people for putting their refuse in the trash
cans?" This question lead to the following solution.
The sanitation department developed electronic
trashcans that had a sensing unit on the top that
would detect when a piece of refuse had been
deposited. This would activate a tape-recorder that
would play a recording of a joke. In other words,
joke-telling trash cans! Different trashcans told
different kinds of jokes (some told bad puns while
others told shaggy dog stories and still others told
snappy one-liners) and soon developed reputations. The
jokes were changed every two weeks. As a result,
people went out of their way to put their trash in the
trashcans, and the town became clean once again.
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique
device for testing the strength of windshields on
airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead
chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the
speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the
windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact,
it'll survive a real collision with a bird during
flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this
and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy
locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's
chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the
engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall
of the engine's cab. The British were stunned and
asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything
was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test
thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed
chicken.
It is common practice in England to ring a telephone
by signaling extra voltage across one side of the
two-wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When
the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the
two-wire circuit for the conversation. This method
allows two parties on the same line to be signaled
without disturbing each other. Anyway, an elderly lady
with several pets called to say that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called, and that on
the few occasions when it did ring her dog always
barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the
scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a
nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and
dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring.
He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a
ringing telephone. Climbing down form the pole, the
telephone repairman found:
1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground
post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling
current.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start
barking and urinating on the ground.
4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the
phone would ring
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric
hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for
medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had
worked up quite an appetite. The FBI was taping all
conversations at the hospital, and this conversation
took place when the agent in charge called a nearby
pizza delivery service to order.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas
and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go
through the front doors. We have them locked. You will
have to go around to the back to the service entrance
to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is
an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're
starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent.
Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the
service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors
locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were
drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear
deck of a home owned Irving Michaels, age 27. The men
were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but
the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of
the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal
escaped into a 3-foot diameter drainage pipe some 100
feet away from Mr. Michaels deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels
retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the
pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several
unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels
emptied the entire 5-gallon fuel can down the pipe and
tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to
admit defeat by wildlife, the determined man proceeded
to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the
sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent
fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had
come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited
the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a
submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31.
Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own
home, right over the heads of his astonished friends,
onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet
through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his
scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported,
"Followed by a loud thud.” Amazingly, he suffered only
minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool,"
Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a
cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I
wouldn't get hurt."
A man was in a work-related accident, and had to
fill out an insurance claim. The insurance company
contacted him and asked for more information. This was
his response:
"I am writing in response to your request for
additional information for block number 3 of the
accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the
cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I
should explain more fully and I trust the following
detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the
accident, I was working alone on the top section of my
new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I
discovered that I had, over the course of several
trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of
tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now
unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to
lower the items down in a small barrel by using a
pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole
at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground
level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the
tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back
to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly
to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident
reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my
surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the
rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid
rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the
vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming
down. This explains my fractured skull and broken
collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,
not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were
two knuckles deep into the pulley. "Fortunately, by
this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At
approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Devoid the weight of the tools, the barrel now
weighed approximately 20 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the
side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot
level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for
the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my
legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel
slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report,
however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain,
unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet
above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go
of the rope...
In my college dorm we play 'Assassin,' like lots of
students. Unlike most people, though, we use Silly
String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that if you
hit your target there's never an argument about
whether you really hit them because, well, they're
covered with Silly String(tm).
But for those two weeks you carry your Silly
String(tm) everywhere, even into classrooms where
you're automatically safe. So, there I was in this
Psychology class with my friend, and we were kind of
holding our Silly String at the ready while the
professor lectured.
The class was Psychology of Group Behavior, and the
professor was talking out our next assignment, which
concerned group norms. (Group norms are the unspoken
rules of a group, i.e. you don't grab someone else's
dining-hall tray and start eating off it). She was
telling us the project, which is to violate a group
norm blatantly and intentionally, and then write a
little two-page paper about it.
And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle and
gets up on the stage with the professor, and proceeds
to cover her in Silly String(tm). Needless to say
everyone figured out what was going on, and the
applause brought down the house.
He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.
/----------------------------------------------------------------\
M A R T I A L A R T S
- Learn Ancient Asian Techniques
- Develop Impressive Skills
- Learn the Art of Control
- Build Self-Confidence
- Protect Yourself
- Train with exotic Implements
- Achieve your Maximum Potential
New Class meets
Tuesday and Thursday, 7:00 PM
\----------------------------------------------------------------/
A martial arts teacher sent this design to the
printer, got two hundred copies, and put them up
around hi college campus. Tuesday night comes, and he
arrives at the gym at a quarter of seven. To his
amazement, there are already around two hundred
students there! Now, based on his beautiful poster, he
had expected a decent-sized group, but this was
extraordinary!
He glanced at his poster, and discovered why. The
printer had evidently reversed two letters when
typesetting the poster: the "T" and the "I" in the
title had been transposed...
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston
Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused
credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it
and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away
too. The following month the credit card company sent
him a very nasty note stating they were going to
cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return
of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it
was a computer error and told him they'd take care of
it.
The following month he decided that it was about time
that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring
that if there were purchases on his account it would
put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in
the first store that he produced his credit card in
payment for his purchases he found that his card had
been cancelled. He called the credit card company who
apologized for the computer error once again and said
that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that
payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken
to the credit card company only the previous day the
latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it,
trusting that the company would be as good as their
word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he
had 10 days to pay his account or the company would
have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving
in he thought he would play the company at their own
game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer
duly processed his account and returned a statement to
the effect that he now owed the credit card company
nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called
him asking him what he was doing writing a check for
$0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the
$0.00 check had caused their check processing software
to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks
from ANY of their customers that day because the check
for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The
following month the man received a letter from the
credit card company claiming that his check had
bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
sent a check by return of post they would be taking
steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a
computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter
instead.
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize
at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. In
his project he urged people to sign a petition
demanding strict control or total elimination of the
chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good
reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the
chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Forty-three said yes,
six were undecided, and only one knew that the
chemical was...WATER!!
The title of his prize-winning project was, "How
Gullible Are We?" He was attempting to show how
conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing
junk science and spreading fear of everything in our
environment.
Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is
perhaps the best documented, the most disturbing and
the most difficult to explain.
The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 years before
Christ. When she died, she was laid in an ornate
wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on
the banks of the Nile.
In the late 1890's, 4 rich young Englishmen
visiting the excavations at Luxor were invited to buy
and exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the
remains of Princess Amen-Ra. They drew lots.
The man who paid several thousand pounds had the
coffin taken to his hotel. A few hours later, he was
seen walking out towards the desert. He never
returned.
The next day, an Egyptian servant shot one of the
remaining 3 men accidentally. His arm was so severely
wounded it had to be amputated.
The 3rd man in the foursome found on his return
home that the bank holding his entire savings had
failed. The 4th guy suffered a severe illness, lost
his job and was reduced to selling matches in the
street.
Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing
other misfortunes along the way), where a London
businessman bought it. After 3 of his family members
had been injured in a road accident and his house
damaged by fire, the businessman donated it to the
British Museum.
As the coffin was being unloaded from a truck in
the museum courtyard, the truck suddenly went into
reverse and trapped a passer-by. Then as 2 workmen
were lifting the casket up the stairs, 1 fell and
broke his leg. The other, apparently in perfect
health, died unaccountably two days later.
Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian
room, trouble really started. Museum's night watchmen
frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing from
the coffin. Other exhibits in the room were often
hurled about at night. One watchman died on duty,
causing the other watchmen to quit.
Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too.
When a visitor derisively flicked a dust cloth at the
face painted on the coffin, his child died of measles
soon afterwards.
Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried
down to the basement. Figuring it could not do any
harm down there. Within a week, one of the helpers
was seriously ill, and the supervisor of the move was
found dead on his desk.
By now, the papers had heard of it. A journalist
photographer took a picture of the mummy case and when
he developed it, the painting on the coffin was of a
horrifying, human face. The photographer was said to
have gone home, then locked his bedroom door and shot
himself.
Soon afterwards, the museum sold the mummy to a
private collector. After continual misfortune (and
deaths), the owner banished it to the attic. A
well-known authority on the occult was seized with a
shivering fit and searched the house for the source of
"an evil influence of incredible intensity."
She finally came to the attic and found the mummy
case. "Can you exorcise this evil spirit?" asked the
owner.
"There is no such thing as exorcism, evil remains
evil forever.
Nothing can be done about it. I implore you to get
rid of this evil as soon as possible. "But no British
museum would take the mummy; the fact that almost 20
people had met with misfortune, disaster or death from
handling the casket in barely 10 years was now well
known.
Eventually, a hardheaded American archaeologist
(who dismissed the happenings as quirks of
circumstance) paid a handsome price for the mummy and
arranged for its removal to New York. On the night of
April 14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the
Princess Amen-Ra accompanied 1,500 passengers to their
deaths at the bottom of the
Atlantic. The ship was the Titanic.
I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was
thinking of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba
platform. My father managed to get me one from the
F.A.A. where he worked. (Don't ask. I never did).
What he brought me was one of those Air Force
survival rafts that they issue to bomber crews with up
to 10 men. I couldn't wait to test it, so I called
Jason, and told him to come on over. I took the back
seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down.
This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back without
the hatch. Jason got over to my place, just as our
girlfriends showed up. They had come over to see if we
wanted to go swimming. I crammed the raft, and both
girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and
Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off.
I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma City to head for one of
the area lakes. The windows were down and the hot
August wind was roaring through the car like a minor
hurricane. My girlfriend started complaining about the
wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tangled
in her hair. I told her not to mess with the tag, but
she got mad and gave it a good hard yank, intending to
throw it out the window.
Can you guess what that little red tag was for? Yep,
that dang raft started to inflate right there in the
VW! It takes about 15 seconds for one of those things
to inflate, and for the first 5 seconds or so I was
frozen with something of a mixture fear, amazement,
and a sense of “this really can't be happening!'' In
the 6th second the raft started pushing my head down
against the steering wheel hard enough that I couldn't
really see where I was going, and started pushing the
windows that weren't down out of their frames, and
onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the
raft was fully inflated.
I managed to push my head up enough to see where I
was going, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on
the road. By this time the real chaos had started. The
girls were screaming their fool heads off, Jason was
laughing like an idiot, and the Oklahoma Highway
Patrolman that had been following me when all this
started had turned on his siren.
I finally got the car to the center median, and
stopped. I got hold of the door handle to open the
door and pulled. The door shot open, and the raft
exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of it. When I
got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop
laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks,
and having a hard time breathing.
I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and
the raft started to deflate. By this time the cop was
breathing again and somewhat coherent. He came over
and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever
seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket? He said
no, he just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. We
folded the raft as best we could and went back to my
place. The real fun was trying to convince my
insurance company that all that glass damage really
was because a life raft had inflated inside the car.
They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster
had talked to the OHP cop.
A white lady on business arrived in LA in the heat
of the rioting. She was very nervous and distressed
about her safety and the danger she felt lurked around
every corner. After checking in at the front desk she
headed to the elevator. Upon arriving at the elevator
there were already 3 black men on it. She quickly
debated with herself about the situation. "This is
ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men,
here in the middle of a reputable hotel. Ok, no
problem, I'm going to ride this elevator, etc...."
She then stepped into the elevator and quickly
turned her back on the 3 men and faced the door.
Shortly after the door closed, she heard one of the
men say, "Hit the floor, lady." She immediately
dropped to her stomach in terror. Upon her quick dive
for the floor the 3 men broke out hysterically in
laughter. The man after all, had simply meant for her
to select the floor she wished to go to. She was
terribly shaken and embarrassed about the whole thing,
but tried to shake it off as she had several days of
business to attend to. At the end of her stay she went
to check out of the hotel and pay for her room. To her
confusion the clerk informed her that her room had
been taken care of. He then handed her a note and
explained that the person who had picked up the tab
for the room had left it.
And the note said:
Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an
elevator!
Eddie Murphy
In the New Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen.
Duncan Scott, a
Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment to
a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another
senator. The Scott amendment would have dramatically
changed the face of New Mexico's legal system:
The amendment said: "When a psychologist or
psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competency
hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a
cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall.
The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars
and lightning bolts.
"Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall
be required to don a white beard that is not less than
18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial
elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a
wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides
expert testimony regarding a defendant's competency,
the bailiff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom
lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong."
The bill, with the wizard amendment, passed the
Senate by voice vote and cleared the House 46-14.
Unfortunately, Gov. Gary Johnson vetoed the
legislation.
STUPID LOCAL LAWS
1. In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male
person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to
wink at any female person with whom he is
unacquainted."
2. In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the
same tub at the same time.
3. In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give
lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated
animals kept as pets.
4. In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while
wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. << Note:
this law isn't silly. Write your legislators today and
get this PASSED in your area now!>>
5. In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of
any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
6. In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a
street while walking on your hands.
7. In Chico, California, the city council enacted a
ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone
detonating one within city limits.
8. In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay
from a second-story window within the city limits.
It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
9. In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip
off her clothing while standing in front of a man's
picture.
10. In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to
appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
11. In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16
women live in a house together because that
constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can live
together, without breaking the law.
12. In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own
hair without her husband's permission.
13. In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball
at someone's head for fun.
14. The state of Washington has passed a law stating
it is illegal to paint polka dots on the American
flag.
15. In order for a pickle to officially be considered
a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
16. To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking
up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that
it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to
animals at the local zoo.
17. If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are
breaking the law.
18. Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it
is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see
who pays for the coffee.
19. Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA
unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.
20. The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in
Hayden, AZ. Disturbing them in the city limits is
against the law.
21. Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This
state forbids a person from taking a bite out of
another person's hamburger.
22. Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can
buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a
television!
23. In the state of New York, you need a license to
use a clothesline outdoors.
24. What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won't
be found in Lehigh NE. Selling doughnut holes in this
city is verboten.
25. And if any retirees from the circus are thinking
about settling down and farming in NC, they are
forewarned right here and now that it is against the
law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton
fields!
26. It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month
within Boston confines.
27. Two people cannot kiss in front of a church.
28. All Public Displays of Affection (PDA’s) are
forbidden on Sunday.
29. Pedestrians always have the right of way.
30. Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the
public gardens/ commons at any time except Sundays.
31. In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the
books that requires businesses within the city to
provide rails for tying up horses.
32. In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on
a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however
legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at
any price and to give free gifts with it, such as
anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!
33. In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years
ago, the Farmer's Anti-Automobile society set up some
"rules of the road." In effect, they said:
a. "Automobiles traveling on country roads at night
must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten
minutes for the road to clear."
b. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull
to one side of the road and cover his machine with a
blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend
into the scenery."
c. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car
on the road, the owner must take his car apart and
conceal the parts in the bushes."
34. Utah: It is against the law to fish from
horseback.
35. In Bexley, Ohio, the installation and usage of
slot machines in outhouses is prohibited.
36. Indiana: Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in
South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and
sentenced to pay a 25-dollar fine and the trial costs.
37. No one may catch fish with his bare hands in
Kansas.
38. California: In 1930, the City Council of Ontario
passed an ordinance, forbidding roosters to crow
within the city limits.
39. In Harthahorne Oklahoma, City Ordinance states
that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person
in a display window.
40. In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it
LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows,
horses, goats, and chickens.
41. In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from
attending a movie house or other theater and from
riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating
garlic.
42. In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly
in any kind of strapless gown.
43. In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in
an automobile unless the act takes place while the
vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
44. In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a
street while walking on your hands.
45. In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the
clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories
from the pulpit during a church service.
46. In California, animals are banned from mating
publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or
place of worship.
47. In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat
his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt
can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's
consent to beat her with a wider strap.
48. In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing
suit on any highway within this state unless she be
escorted by at least two officers or unless she be
armed with a club" An amendment to the above
legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not
apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female
horses."
49. In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an
abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any
sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for
each offense.
50. In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have
a musical car horn.
51. A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror
films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays, or
Wednesdays.
52. Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public
streets on Sundays.
53. Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk
County, Virginia - provided that the hunter is fifteen
feet off the ground.
54. You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New
York, provided that you hold the hose in your hand
while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to
use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful.
55. Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone
caught leaning against a public building.
56. Loins may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.
57. Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter
anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for
the purpose of flirting or mashing.
58. In TX: It is illegal to walk around with a
concealed ice cream cone.
59. In Carmel, CA, it is illegal to eat ice cream
while standing on the sidewalk.
60. In Prunedale, CA, it is illegal to have two indoor
bathtubs in your house.
A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to
visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store.
She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it,
her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping.
When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the
woman, her hands still behind her head but with her
eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda
tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The
woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am
holding my brains in."
Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the
store where store officials called the paramedics.
They had to break into the car because the door was
locked. When they got in, they found that the woman
had bread dough on the back of her head and in her
hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded,
apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud
explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the
head. When she reached back to find what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
passed out from fright at first, then when she
regained consciousness, attempted to hold her brains
in!
The story goes that one day during an examination at
Cambridge University, a bright young student popped up
and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The
following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and
ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and
require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the
four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in
Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to
the section, which read (rough translation from the
Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request
and require Cakes and Ale". Pepsi and hamburgers were
judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat
there, writing his examination and happily slurping
away.
Three weeks later though, the student was fined five
pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation
of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the
coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I
say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR
course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY'S
ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an
entire summer going to the Harvard football field
every day wearing a black and white striped shirt,
walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen
minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing
a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end
of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home
football team, the referee walked onto the field and
blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a
half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the
field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and
graduated.
The US Department of the Interior has recently
changed the tags it uses to tag migratory birds. The
bands used to bear the address of the Washington
Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv.";
until the agency received the following letter from an
Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of
your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the
cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell
you it was horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport,
my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.
Since they needed the gate for another flight, the
aircraft was backed away from the gate while the
maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the
new gate number, which was some distance away.
Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a
third gate had been designated for us. After some
further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we
were settling in, the flight attendant made the
standard announcement, "We apologize for the
inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This
flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your
destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should
'deplane' at this time." A very confused-looking and
red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his
bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
Police in Yorkshire were busily watching for
speeding cars with there mobile radar equipment when
their equipment appeared to malfunction; it began to
clock a speeder at 300 mph....All was revealed a few
seconds later when a low flying Harrier jump jet
screamed over head.
The police registered a complaint regarding damaged
radar equipment with the MOD (UK Ministry of Defense).
The MOD replied that the damage could have been worse:
the Harrier's defense systems had latched onto the
radar and had gone into an automatic pre-emptive
strike made before the pilot decided enemy
anti-aircraft activity was unlikely along the
motorways of northern England...
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the
U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration
decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero
gravity confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and development, the Astronaut
Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1
million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a
pencil.
A woman called a computer help desk to inquire about
a problem. She explained to the man on the line her
problem, and he eventually figured out that a few
files were lost from a floppy disk. "Do you make
backups?" he asked hopefully.
"Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data
disks every day."
"Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and
I'll show you how to restore the files."
"You mean put it in the printer?"
"Huh? Put it in the disk drive."
"How am I going to do that?"
You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to
copy their disks, and neatly stored the pictures of
each disk in a filing cabinet. He suggested that they
fax a new copy of their disk to them.
Reaching my son at the Massachusetts Institute of
Technology on his fraternity-house phone was next to
impossible. Instead I began to e-mail him. This way,
when I reminded him to dress warmly, eat well and
study hard, I could feel confident that he'd received
my message.
After my second lengthy e-mail communiqué, he called
home and assured me that everything was fine. "By the
way, Mom," he said, chuckling, "I think you've
invented cybernagging."
Strange but True Stories
1. Fruit stall owner, Giuseppe Scirrocco, stopped
paying taxes two years ago because he couldn't afford
them. Officials in Milan, Italy recently landed him
with a 12-billion lira (app. US$7 million) tax bill.
2. Anton Wladich's snoring has become so loud since
breaking his nose, that most of his street's residents
in Warsaw, Poland, have moved house to escape the
noise.
3. Furious girls in Lodz, Poland, are demanding a
refund after paying US$800 to join a dating agency
which had 300 women - but just seven men.
4. An underwear factory in Volgrad, Russia, is
preventing redundancies (layoffs) by paying its staff
with 36 pairs of free knickers a month.
5. Trucker Boris Kalusch drowned after trying to drink
from the beer tanker he was driving. Police in Siberia
found his legs sticking from the inspection cover.
6. Six people taken to hospital from a reception in
Moscow were injured by flying champagne corks.
7. Scared Charles Hurden locked himself in his shed
for three days after he thought asteroids landed in
his garden in Sydney, Australia. They were luminous
balloons from a party 16 km away.
8. A man dubbed by police in Athens, Greece as The
Cigarette Saboteur has taken to attacking people he
sees smoking and forcing them to eat their remaining
cigarettes. The oddball has claimed seven victims in
six months.
9. A pervert who exposed himself on the Paris Metro
[subway] in France fled in horror when his victim - a
transvestite - flashed back.
10. Marauding moose have torn up seven light aircraft
in less than a week at Anchorage Airport in Alaska.
11. A golf match in Los Angeles, US, was abandoned
when a cow wandered onto the fairway, deposited a
cowpat on the 17th green and then chased the players.
12. Rain dancer Jose Carquirre has been charged with
manslaughter after six people died in a flood in
Arcos, Brazil.
13. A zookeeper was pinned to the ground and had his
trousers torn off - by a lovesick lady orangutan! Ken
Alrand had cared for Anna ever since her natural
mother rejected her in infancy. But he never realized
that she had developed a crush on him. As Alrand was
cleaning Anna's enclosure in Aalborg, Denmark, she
pounced on him and ripped his pants off. "She's
obviously fallen in love with me," says Alrand. "So
I'll keep my distance from now on."
14. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob
Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast,
when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof.
The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in
the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into
the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers
gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery
van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake
three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob
Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob
Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan
suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg,
and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said
he would recover.
15. While motorcycling through the Hungarian
countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line
just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he
sat idling, a farmer with a goat, which the farmer
tethered to the crossing gate, joined him. A few
moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti,
followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When
the train roared through the crossing, the horse
startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be
trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse
in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped
down from his cart and began scuffling with the
motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort
of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart
into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver
leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer
came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men.
As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was
strangled. At last report the insurance companies were
still trying to sort out the claims.
16. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal
head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of
Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace
near the center of the road. At the moment of impact
their heads were both out of the windows when they
smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with
severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
17. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his
wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare,
Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make
it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife
came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a
disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she
thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to
loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms
laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her
stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady
that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr.
Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife
were reconciled.
18. An unidentified English woman, according to the
London Sunday Express, was climbing into the bathtub
one afternoon when she remembered she had left some
muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and
was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the
door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would
come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table
if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into
the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the
back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the
sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was
the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.
"Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the
baker." The gasman blinked, excused himself and
departed.
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.
She gave each kid in the class the first half of the
proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.
Here is what the kids came up with:
1. Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the...bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...daylight savings time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
7. No news is...impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a...Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog...math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you...will stink in the
morning.
11. Love all; trust...me.
12. The pen is mightier than...the pigs.
13. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
14. Where there is smoke, there's...pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...not much.
17. Two is company; three's...The Musketeers.
18. None are so blind as...Helen Keller.
19. Children should be seen and not...spanked or
grounded.
20. If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.
21. You get out of something what you...see pictured
on the box.
22. When the blind lead the blind...get out of the
way.
23. There is no fool like...Aunt Edie.
24. A day without sunshine is like…night.
25. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry
and...you have to blow your nose.
26. A rolling stone…plays the guitar.
27. The grass is always greener…when you remember to
water it.
28. A bird in the hand is…a real mess.
29. No news is…no newspaper.
30. It's always darkest just before…I open my eyes.
31. If you can't stand the heat, don't…start the
fireplace.
32. Never put off till tomorrow what you…should have
done yesterday.
33. A penny saved is…nothing in the real world.
34. The squeaking wheel gets…annoying.
35. We have nothing to fear but…our principle.
36. To err is human. To…eat a muskrat is not.
37. I think, therefore I…get a headache.
38. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry,
and…someone yells, "Shut up!"
39. Better to light a candle than…to light an
explosive.
40. It's always darkest before…9:30 p.m.
41. Early to bed and early to rise…is first in the
bathroom.
42. A journey of a thousand miles begins with…a
blister.
43. There is nothing new under…the bed.
44. Don't count your chickens… - it takes too long.
Wise Advice From Kids
1. You can never trust a dog to watch your food. -
Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look
stupid?" don't answer him. --Heather, Age 16
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. -
Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. -
Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her
brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same
room as your homework assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of anyone when you're eating
crackers. - Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a
tic-tac. - Andrew, 9
12. Never try to hold a dust buster and a cat at the
same time. -Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk. - Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a
horse. - Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. -
Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a
baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to
your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19. Don't try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
20. Never jump out of a second story window using a
sheet for a parachute. - Age 10
21. Never spit when on a roller coaster. - Scott, Age
11
22. Never do pranks at a police station. - Sam, Age 10
23. Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's
moving. - Rob, Age 10
24. Never tell your little brother that you're not
going to do what your mom told you to do. - Hank, Age
12
25. Remember you're never too old to hold your
father's hand. - Molly, Age 11
26. Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
- Chelsey, Age 7
27. Never dare your little brother to paint the family
car. - Phillip, Age 13
28. Forget the cake. Go for the icing! - Cynthia, Age
8
29. If you spread the peas out on your plate it looks
like you ate more. - Age 6
30. When you want something expensive, ask your
grandparents. - Matthew, Age 12
31. Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears
are twitching. - Andrew, Age 9
32. Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. - Rocky, Age 9
33. If you are wearing suspenders with one strap down,
you need to be careful going to the bathroom. - Age 10
34. Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the
morning. - Stephanie, Age 8
35. Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the
shower. - Lamar, Age 10
36. Never bug a pregnant mom. - Nicholas, Age 11
37. Don't ever be too full for dessert. - Kelly, Age
10
38. Never ask for anything that costs more than five
dollars when your parents are doing taxes. - Carrol,
Age 9
39. When you have three of your wild friends in the
car the driver freaks. - Age 9
40. I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words
I can't. - Age 8
41. I've learned that just when I get my room the way
I like it mom makes me clean it up. - Age 13
42. I've learned that you can be in love with four
girls at the same time. - Age 9
43. I've learned that you can't hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk. - Age 7
44. I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop
at the same time, it will come out your nose. - Age 7
45. I've learned that when mommy and daddy shout at
each other it scares me. - Age 5
46. I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the
mornings he smells like a piece of Jolly Rancher
candy. - Age 10
47. I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they
help me swim faster because they're fish. - Age 7
48. I've learned that when I wave at people in the
country they stop what they're doing and wave back. -
Age 9
49. I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be
an artist. It's in my blood. - Age 8
50. I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way
they look. - Age 12
51. I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself
up, you should try cheering someone else up. - Age 13
52. I've learned that parents are very hard to live
with. - Age 12
53. I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy
doesn't always come. Sometimes he's broke. - Age 8
54. I've learned that if you talk too long on the
phone with a girl, your parents suspect something is
going on. - Age 11
55. I've learned that girls sweat just as much as
boys. - Age 11
56. I've learned if you put a June bug down a girls
dress, she goes crazy. - Age 6
57. I've learned that it always makes me feel good to
see my parents holding hands.-Age 13
58. I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black
crayon with a Tootsie Roll. - Age 10
59. I've learned that I would like to be a horse and
live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. -
Age 8
60. I've learned that I like my teacher because she
cries when we sing "Silent Night". - Age 7
61. I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play
ball with daddy because he gets mad when I drop the
ball. - Age 10
62. I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from
bending over. - Age 7
63. I've learned that the teacher always calls on me
the time I don't know the answer. - Age 9
64. I've learned how to hold animals without killing
them. - Age 5
65. I've learned that gold fish don't like jello. -
Age 5
66. I've learned that you should say your prayers
every night. - Age 9
67. I've learned that the older I get the less
attention I get. - Age 6
68. I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so
hard that she snorts. - Age 7
A KID’S EYE VIEW OF LOVE
1. WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE
YOU"?
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him.
But I hope he showers at least once a day." -
Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad
that they finally got it out and said it and now they
can go eat." - Dick, age 7
2. HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they
fall down and they don't get up for at least an
hour."- Wendy, age 8
3. CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR
PEOPLE.
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds
somebody else who has freckles too." - Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has
something to do with how you smell ... That's why
perfume and deodorant are so popular. - Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so
painful." - Manuel, age 8
4. ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your
life." - John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to
spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -
Glenn, age 7
5. ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already
in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -
Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm
handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to
marry me yet." - Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a
long time." - Christine, age 9
6. REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but
baseball is pretty good too."- Greg, age 8
7. HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mushy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't
wag their tails nearly as much." - Arnold, age 10
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they
can sit together in the dark." - Sherm, age 8
8. CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off
because they paid good money for them." - Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to
walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony
thing." - John, age 9
9. CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen
when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." - Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it
sometime." - Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We
were behind a tree." - Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide
from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was
five, but the girls keep finding me." - Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding
fourth grade hard enough." - Regina, age 10
10. THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER
TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt." - Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because,
even if you have tons of love, there is still going to
be a lot of bills." - Ava, age 8
11. SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE
WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy
stores." - Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." - Camille,
age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs
... and don't worry if their parents are right there."
- Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You
might get attention, but attention ain't the same
thing as love." - Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure
it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually
works for me." - Bart, age 9
12. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how
you can tell if he's in love." - Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their
food will get cold...Other people care more about the
food." - Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if
they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to
go out or they just broke up." - Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." - Sandra,
age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that
are on fire. They like to order those because it's
just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -
Christine, age 9
13. HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes
you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have
electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their
houses." - Gina, age 8
14. HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken
dolls." - Julia, age 7
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy
feelings get the best of you." - Brian, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." - Carin,
age 9
15. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." - Pam, age 7
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber
all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it." -
Tammy, age 7
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if
it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -
Roger, age 6
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you
like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be
forced to do it."
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't
want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then
you should marry them and have kids with them. It's
the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
16. HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to
work." - Dick, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up
the love." - Erin, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that
you never take out the trash." - Dave, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind
... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to
watch." - Natalie, age 9
17. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them
to get to know each other. Even boys have something to
say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies,
and that usually gets them interested enough to go for
a second date." Martin, age 10
18. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call
all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me
in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
19. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like if you like sports, she should like it that you
like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
20. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then." Camille, 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
fool to get married." Freddie, 6
21. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other
people." Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem
to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, 8
22. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
23. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I
wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I
did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her
come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
24. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come
chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
25. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she
looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were
gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions.
Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate
Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting
information comes from children, for they tell all
they know and then stop."
1. Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One
horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a
horse 500 feet in one second.
2. You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell
how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear
it you got hit, so never mind.
3. Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
4. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without
coming back down.
5. When they broke open molecules, they found they
were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open
atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
6. When people run around and around in circles we say
they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are
orbiting.
7. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really
understand.
8. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that
can point in any direction.
9. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but
somehow they still manage.
10. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still
knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
11. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212
degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and
boiling because there are 180 degrees between north
and south.
12. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its
mind which way it wants to go.
13. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the
letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all
means living forever.
14. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the
center of the Earth because of so much population
stomping around up here these days.
15. Lime is a green-tasting rock.
16. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils
while others preferred to be oil.
17. Genetics explain why you look like your father and
if you don't why you should.
18. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let
them know we know they're there.
19. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others
help make water, so sometimes it's brother against
brother.
20. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at
the sun. But I have never been able to make out the
numbers.
21. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is
evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of
things people forget to put the top on.
22. To most people solutions mean finding the answers.
But to chemists’ solutions are things that are still
all mixed up.
23. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope,
we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
24. Clouds are highflying fogs.
25. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the
clouds know how to do it, and that is the important
thing.
26. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and
around. And around. There is not much else to do.
27. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a
dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
28. A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
29. A monsoon is a French gentleman.
30. Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
31. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than
their names sound.
32. It is so hot in some places that the people there
have to live in other places.
33. The wind is like the air, only pushier.
These are actual excuse notes from parents(including
original
> spelling)
collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas
Medical Branch at
Galveston...
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
administrating.
Megan could not come to school today because she has
been bothered
> by very close veins.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He
had
(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [words were
crossed out in
the)'s].
> > >>>>
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
> > >>>>
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
P.E. today.
Please execute him.
> > >>>>
> Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
and I had her
shot.
> > >>>>
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
out of his
face.
> > >>>>
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
> > >>>>
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent
a weekend with the Marines.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He
had a cold and
could not breed well.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She
was in bed with
gramps.
> > >>>>
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the
doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat,
headache>and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever and>ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must
be something going around, her father even got hot
last night.
> > >>>>
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
Jan. 28, 29, 30,31,32, and
also 33.
> > >>>>
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
football. He
washurt in the growing part.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrhea
and his boots leak.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
fault.
> > >>>>
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have
to attend her
funeral.
> > >>>>
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to
> get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday, we
thought> it was Sunday
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin
puts together a list to try to give the faculty a
sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall
across the nation were born in 1981.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan
Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War
was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the
Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really
remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and
do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day
After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle
blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to
them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not
know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off,
but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a
pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record"
means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have
never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special
effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are
not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are
they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1
year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about
32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13
channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea
what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen were
introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were
cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as
WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea Americans were ever held hostage
in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?",
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de
plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea
who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew
where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
places, not groups.
42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV
Statistics About Americans
* Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never
do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women
trust their husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years
ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
* 3/4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our
offspring's homework.
* 91% of us lie regularly.
* 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
* 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something
from a store.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie
theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for
an item.
* Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over
2 years old.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would
abandon their friends, family, and religion.
* 7% would murder.
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from
the carton.
* 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
* 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
* The most popular candy is Snickers.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* 45% use mouthwash every day.
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
* Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.
* 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup
on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 62% of us pop our zits.
* 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
* 57% have had deja vu.
* 49% believe in ESP.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 44% have broken a bone.
* Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
* 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
* 15% regularly go to a shrink.
* 78% would rather die quickly than live in a
retirement home.
* 46.5% of men say they always put the seat down after
they've used the toilet, yet women claim to always
find it up.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the
toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom
while they're sitting the toilet.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
* 22% are functionally illiterate.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on
their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines to tellers.
* 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
* 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even
for a night for a million bucks.
* 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our
life.
* 40% of us have had music lessons.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook
and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary
(mostly men).
* 59% of us say we're average looking.
* Blacks are more than twice as likely to call
themselves beautiful.
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite
sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best
friends.
* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their
bride's hand.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front
of them.
* 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
On the average day....
* 10,501 Americans are born.
* 5,937 Americans die.
* 4,637 illegal aliens are apprehended trying to cross
the US border.
* 4,481 are Mexican.
* $412,104 is spent by the US border patrol, about $89
per alien apprehended.
* 39,109 pounds of marijuana are brought into the US.
* Of this, 3,911 pounds are seized by the DEA, about
10%.
* 2,239 pounds of cocaine are brought into the US.
* Of this, 224 pounds are seized by the DEA, about
10%.
* There are 290 drug-related emergency-room incidents;
of these,
* 14 are caused by marijuana
* Aspirin causes 15
* Valium causes 23
* 58 are caused by alcohol in combination
* 10 result in death.
* 256 Americans die in accidents, of these,
* 133 die in motor-vehicle accidents
* 55 die from exposure to household radon gas
* 6 die in construction accidents
* 5 die in firearms accidents
* American children watch 3.5 hours of television;
during which time they will see,
* 5 alcohol commercials
* 22 acts of violence
* 38 sexual references and innuendoes
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village
of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human
ratios remaining the same, it would look something
like the following:
1. There would be: 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from
the Western Hemisphere, and 8 Africans
2. 52 would be female, 48 would be male
3. 70 would be nonwhite, 30 would be white
4. 70 would be non-Christian, 30 would be Christian
5. 89 would be heterosexual, 11 would be homosexual
6. 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's
wealth and all 6 would be from the United States
7. 80 would live in substandard housing
8. 70 would be unable to read
9. 50 would suffer from malnutrition
10. 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
11. 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
12. 1 would own a computer
Real notices spotted around the world and written
by...well, "people whose first language is not
English".
1. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel
towels please. If you are not a person to do such a
thing is please not to read notis.
2. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to
complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11
A.M. daily.
3. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian
Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the
cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
4. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a
fit upstairs.
5. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit.
Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.
6. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals.
If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.
7. A sign in a Paris hotel: "Please leave your values
at the front desk"
8. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is
your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it"
9. Instructions in a Belgrade elevator: "To more the
cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order."
10. A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are
requested not to have children in the bar"
11. A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is
being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable."
12. From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists"
13. How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo
map: "Dirty Water Punishment Place"
14. Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter lift
backwards, and only when lit up"
15. Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not
to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in
the boots of ascension."
16. Sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take
one of our horse driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages."
17. From the instructions on a Japanese hotel air
conditioner: "Cooles and Heates: If you want just
condition of warm in your room, please control
yourself."
18. Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We
take your bags and send them in all directions"
19. From the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines
leave you nothing to hope for"
20. From a tourist brochure: "In the close village you
can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away."
21. Two signs in a Majorcan shops: "Here speeching
American" and “English well talking.”
22. Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your
convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient
self-service."
23. From a story in an East African newspaper: "A new
swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the
contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
24. Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your
utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
25. Detour sign in Japan: "Stop. Drive sideways."
26. Sign at a Swiss inn: "Special Today - no ice
cream"
27. Instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle:
"Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away"
28. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common,
but you'll find they are best in the long run.
Signs Sighted in London
1. Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please
remove all your clothes when the light goes out
2. London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
3. In an office: To the person who took the stepladder
yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will
be taken
4. Outside a farm: Horse manure per pre-packed bag
Do-it-yourself
5. In an office: After tea break staff should empty
the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
6. On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter
ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because
of the draft. Please use side door.)
7. Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything -
Bicycles, washing machines, ect… Why not bring your
wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
8. Sign outside a new town hall, which was to be
opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is
closed until opening. It will remain closed after
being opened. Open tomorrow.
9. Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: If
not back by five, out for dinner also
10. On the side of a road: Slow cattle crossing. No
overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
11. Outside a disco: SMARTS is the most exclusive
disco in town. Everyone welcome
12. A Hazard sign: QUICKSAND. Any person passing this
point will be drowned. By order of the district
council.
13. Notice sent to residents of a parish: Due to
increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we
must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard
to do their best to keep them in order
14. Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving
their garments here for more than 30 days will be
disposed of
15. Sign on motorway garage: Do not smoke near our
petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but out
petrol is
16. Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to
illness
17. Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in
your car
18. Seen during a conference: For anyone who has
children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on
the first floor
19. Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to
cross the field for free, but the bull charges
20. On a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet
will tell you how to get lessons
21. On a repair shop door: We can repair anything.
(Please knock hard on the door - The bell doesn't
work)
22. Sign at farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth
trespasser and the ninth one has just left
23. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"Do not activate with wet hands."
· In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our
plans for owning your home.
· In a Kentucky appliance store window: Don't kill
your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and
weekends.
· At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to
anyone in a glass container."
· In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider
our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
· On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will
be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." -Sisters
of Mercy
· On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38
years on the same spot."
· In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing
every night but Sunday."
· In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
· In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with
accuracy."
· In a New York medical building: "Mental Health
Prevention Center"
· On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and
tired of the Episcopal Church."
· On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers
the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
· At a number of military bases: "Restricted to
unauthorized personnel."
· On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
· In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
· In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men
with 16 and 17 necks."
· In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15
men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
· On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears
pierced"
· Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell
antiques."
· In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere
and be cheated when you can come here?"
· On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a
leak."
· In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the
last person to leave please extinguish the perpetual
light."
· In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited
from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
· On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
· On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing
without permission."
· On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under
water, this road is impassable."
· Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If
you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
Newspaper Headlines
· Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
· British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
· Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
· Eye Drops off Shelf
· Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
· Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
· Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
· Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
· Stolen Painting Found by Tree
· Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second
Time in 10 Years
· Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
· Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
· `84 War Dims Hope for Peace
· If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
· Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
· Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
· Deer Kill 17,000
· Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
· Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
· New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
· Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
· Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
· Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
· British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
· Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
· Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
· New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
· Air Head Fired
· Steals Clock, Faces Time
· Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
· Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
· Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
· Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
· Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
· Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
· Include your Children when Baking Cookies
· Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
· Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
· Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
· Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
· Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Actual excerpts from classified sections of city
newspapers
· Illiterate? Write today for free help.
· Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try
us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
· Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.
· Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
· Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be
willing to travel.
· Stock up and save. Limit: one.
· Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
· 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
preferred.
· Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.
· Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
· Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef
$2.25; Children $2.00
· For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.
· Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get
an extra pair to take home, too.
· We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do
it carefully by hand.
· For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
· Great Dames for sale.
· Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
beautiful condition.
· Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
· Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
· Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
· Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
· For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
· Man, honest. Will take anything.
· Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come
here first.
· Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the
hard-to-find person.
· Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
· Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke
or drink.
· Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
· Wanted. Widower with school age children requires
person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be
capable of contributing to growth of family.
· We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension
in your home for $1.00.
· Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered.
Like one of the family
· A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
· For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into
a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator,
spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
· No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle
spray will make it really repellent.
· Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique
lover.
· 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold
to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of,
and bottled by us last year.
· Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for
Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink
it all in.
· Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so
serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
· Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
· We build bodies that last a lifetime.
· Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
· This is the model home for your future. It was
panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
· For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
· See ladies blouses. 50% off!
· Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like
the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
· Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
· And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size,
unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Apparently these are true ads taken from various
Arkansas newspapers...
· FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKER SPANIEL- ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S
DOG
· FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD, UNPLEASANT
LITTLE DOG
· 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/ offer
· AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO
SELDOM WASHED.
· SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE. ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS
· FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
· 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1
3-finger, PAIR $15
· TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN
1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
· COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE
· 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000
· GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED, SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE.
· FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2
BATH HOME
· FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
· NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL
CHUBBIE ************
· BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE
PRODUCTS"
· SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
· FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT
AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD
· GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 ½
BOTTLES OF BEER.
· GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN 89 cents lb.
· NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE, SLIGHTLY
STAINED
· AMERICAN FLAG, 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
· NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE
PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE
RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE
RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD
· EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX
SPRINGS - $175
· OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100%
ITALIAN LEATHER
· JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER
$300
· LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
· ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO
REMEMBER
· GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
· OPEN HOUSE. BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE
AND DONUTS.
· KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
· FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb
· FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00
or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last
weekend. Wife knows everything.
From the radio:
· Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for
a ridiculous figure.
· Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High
Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase
their reproduction.
· When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink
in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p
after.
· Tune in next week for another series of classical
music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping
Castration.
Actual Label Instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears’s hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
2. On a Japanese soda machine: Soft drinks - Enjoy
refreshing taste while having a good time chatting!
(Friends sold separately.)
3. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter
special!)
4. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular
soap. (And that would be how?)
5. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion:
Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
6. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one
head. (Really?)
7. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of
the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You
lose!)
8. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be
hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's
experiment.)
9. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron
clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
10. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive
car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction incidents if we just kept
those 5 year olds off those forklifts.)
11. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
12. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For
indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in
outer space?)
13. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for
the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
14. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)
15. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (Have a lobotomy)
16. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a
home castration kit?)
17. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right,
destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
18. A Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of
children
19. Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid
radiator sealant: "Caution: DO NOT LICK LID"
20. Dr. Pepper bottle: "WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER
PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR OTHER
SERIOUS INJURY. POINT AWAY FROM PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY
WHILE OPENING."
21. From a newspaper article: "A
congressionally-funded study has determined that many
smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette
packages"
22. Top Cog fan belts instructions for replacement: Do
not change belt while the engine is running.
23. Indigo Owners Manual: Do not dangle the mouse by
its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.
24. Cloth roller restrooms towels: Warning! Improper
use may cause serious injury or death!
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight safety lecture and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples:
· "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
· As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"
· After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
· "Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
· "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and
in the event of an emergency water landing, please
take them with our compliments."
· Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've
reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off
the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too,
so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
the rest of the flight."
· "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before assisting children
or adults acting like children."
· "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
· "Last one off the plane must clean it."
· Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came
on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I
know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was
the asphalt!"
· Another flight attendants comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
· After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
· Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here a US Airways."
· And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We
are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on
this flight."
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the
maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that
pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs
replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very
rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main
landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces
a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief
search."
Announcements appearing in church bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and
medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to
announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of
Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South
and North ends of the church. Children will be
baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream
social. All ladies giving milk will please come
early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs.
Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed"
accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the
Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little
Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis
to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of
Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the
rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to
defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing
to do something on the new carpet will come forward
and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They can be seen in the church basement
Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps
Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon
Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda
attacks you. An anaconda is the largest snake in the
world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it
grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between
three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is
what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run.
The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight
against your sides, your legs tight against one
another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb
over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin
to swallow you from the feet and - always from the
end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and
ankles. Do not panic
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into
its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will
take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and
with as little movement as possible, reach down, take
your knife and very gently slide it into the side of
the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and
your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the
snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
LEAD STORIES
In November, in Denver, Colo., school board
candidate Lee McClendon lost his race despite a
vigorous campaign promising to improve kids'
performances in reading, writing, and basic math;
observers said the loss might have had something to do
with public awareness of his 1984 guilty plea for
attempted sexual assault of an 8-year-old boy, which
the victim had publicized after McClendon announced
his candidacy. However, the same day, voters in
Chauncey, Ohio, elected Edward W. Stoll, 48, to the
Village Council despite the fact that he goes to trial
in February on a rape charge.
Where's Barry Scheck When You Need Him? Malvin
Marshall, 27, was finally released from jail in North
Charleston, S.C., on October 29 after being locked up
for 6 weeks because a police field test had found that
he had heroin in his pocket. The state lab had
finally gotten around to analyzing the substance,
which was determined to be vitamin pills that had gone
through a wash cycle while in his pants pocket. Said
a police lieutenant, "The field test [is] not
foolproof."
The New York Daily News reported in November that
71-year-old twin sisters Ynette Sapp and Olvette Mahan
had just gotten plastic surgery (mole and wrinkles
removed) on their faces purely so they would continue
to look exactly alike. Said the doctor, the situation
is not that unusual; for example, another identical
pair was scheduled the next day.
GOVERNMENT IN ACTION
Recent European Unity Feuds: Farmers in Sweden are
still upset, according to a report by the country's
Bureau of Statistics in June, at their inability to
sell straight cucumbers in Europe; EU regulations
require prime cukes to bend 1 cm for every 20 cm's in
length. And Belgium and France were victorious in
October in a European Parliament vote to require that
chocolate be made only with cocoa butter and not with
substitute vegetable fats; a British Parliament member
complained that British chocolate has always been made
with little or no cocoa butter.
In September, an official government wristwatch with
the face of the prime minister of Malaysia went on
sale at the main parliament building in Kuala Lumpur,
retailing for about $470. And in June, in an
announcement on the first year of operation, the state
of Louisiana reported selling 100,000 of its own Royal
brand condoms. State health officials claim that it
is more economical to make their own than to subsidize
higher-priced, brand-named condoms for
high-disease-risk clients.
According to Chicago Sun-Times reports in June and
November, the Illinois Department of Children and
Family Services since 1995 has doled out $22.5 million
in cash and gifts to the most dysfunctional 1,370
families on their rolls, including almost $75,000 to
one mother of six. DCFS's "wraparound plans" are
designed to simulate middle-class environments so that
children can be raised by a natural parent, but
critics call the program a jackpot for precisely the
worst parents in the city, in that many have been
charged with abusing and neglecting their kids. Among
the goods included in a typical wraparound plan are:
electronic gear and "entertainment center," YMCA
membership, and aikido, basketball, and drama classes.
U. S. Rep. Sam Farr of California introduced a bill
this year to end a loophole in the federal
Unemployment Tax Act that made it possible for a Santa
Cruz, Calif., voting monitor, who was a retired county
worker, to grind out one grueling day at the polls in
November, claim the next day that he was "laid off,"
and thereby collect about $12,000 in benefits over a
two-year period.
According to an Associated Press dispatch in May,
scientists at the Department of Agriculture's meat
science research lab in Beltsville, Md., have
developed an explosion system to tenderize meat by
sending supersonic shock waves through it. The shock
waves literally rip the muscle tissue apart on a
microscopic scale, without any loss of taste. One
researcher said the process could be used commercially
within a year.
COURTROOM FOLLIES
In their divorce hearing In September in
Edwardsville, Ill., Karon Watt and Greg Watt were
arguing over ownership of the couple's cellular phone.
Suddenly, Greg's beeper went off, and he reached for
the phone to return a call, which infuriated Karon,
who snatched the phone out of his hand and fled the
courtroom. Greg caught up with her outside, where a
brief tussle ensued, which ended when Karon bit Greg's
arm, and Judge Randall Bono threatened to jail both
people for contempt of court. Bono awarded custody to
Karon.
In September, murder defendant Hosie Grant, 72,
seated on a bench in a courtroom in Little Rock, Ark.,
with other defendants at the daily arraignment
hearing, fell into a sound sleep as he awaited his
case to be announced. He was still asleep later when
his two daughters and a public defender entered a
not-guilty plea for him, but just then, a benchmate
shook him awake. Aroused from his slumber but not yet
aware of the proceedings, he impulsively arose and
shouted, "I plead guilty." He is charged with
stabbing a close friend to death, and the judge
permitted the not-guilty plea to stand.
In October, Italy's highest appeal court, the Court
of Cessation, ruled that the breakup of a marriage was
not the wife's fault even though she abandoned the
husband. The wife was able to demonstrate that for
two years of battling, and a fistfight, she was no
longer able to indulge her mother-in-law's presence in
the home, and the judges agreed the constant
interference was intolerable. Rome's largest
newspaper, La Repubblica, sympathized, calling the
typical Italian mother-in-law "unstoppable as a
panzer, omnipresent, overbearing, meddlesome, and
mischief-making."
And in August, a Tokyo District Court, citing
changing times, rejected a $38,000 claim by a man who
said his ex-wife, who worked full-time outside the
home, nonetheless had an obligation to do all the
housework.
WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME
In July, Gary and Marlene Johnston pleaded guilty in
Halton, Ontario, to cheating the government out of
$11,000 (Cdn) in welfare benefits. They had posed in
1995 as a destitute couple with two kids and assets of
only a 15-year-old car. However, in September 1996,
they purchased a house in a well-to-do neighborhood
and proceeded to park their two late-model cars and a
boat in the driveway. The new house was just down the
street from the house of their welfare caseworker, who
spotted them in the yard.
In October, James T. Hilton, who police said had
just carjacked a van in Bloomfield, N.J., was chased
by police in West Orange into the neighborhood of Our
Lady of the Valley Roman Catholic Church. Hilton
slowed down and was captured after accidentally
banging into two unmarked police cars driving slowly
down the street and leading a 5,000-officer funeral
procession for state trooper Scott M. Gonzalez.
CLICHES COME TO LIFE
In October, Tulsa, Okla., firefighters were called
to a church during a birthday party for Mabel
McCullough. The alarm had been triggered by smoke
from the candles on the cake of the 95-year-old woman.
In July, Missouri's new vehicle safety law took
effect, prohibiting people from riding in the open bed
of a pickup truck. However, an exception was provided
for a family transporting their kids where there are
too many to ride in the cab and where the truck is the
family's only vehicle. The sponsor called the
exception "the Jed Clampett amendment."
WORKING DUH!
At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap in the
kitchen area and put it in the refrigerator with a
sign that said, "Do not remove." It stayed there for
the final three weeks of my contract. I actually
witnessed Individuals taking it out, using it and
putting it back.
[Morgan's Note: A variation of this theme would be
a sign on the soap that reads, "Do not use with
water."]
[Another Morgan's Note: Another variation is a
sign on a cafeteria line: "Not to be taken
internally."]
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the
Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my
friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her
driver's license. She presented her West Virginia
drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her
and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID,
you could at least use a real state!" A manager was
required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
A report from a 9th grader: Our school campus has
twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were
two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I
overheard the workers arguing where to put the new
machine. They decided to put it next to the other
machine because that way people would notice it when
buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan.
The two machines sold the same drinks, and the new one
cost an extra 75 cents.
When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national
basis, I was able to convince one Individual that she
had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her clocks. To do
otherwise would violate federal law.
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that
the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin
safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned
this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder
why?" She replied, "Must be because the oil would
suffocate them."
My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer.
Every season we would have presentations on the latest
fashions from around the world. During one of these
presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of
jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in
London. He told us that they were from a very
exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each. An
individual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds!
How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!"
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went
to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door
asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license,
which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get
in here." I replied, "That ID is a few years old." He
looked at it again for a moment, then said, "Oh, OK"
and let me in.
At my previous company in the UK, a Quality
Initiative made use of posters around the office
featuring parts of motivating words such as'S CCESS'
and 'VAL E'. This was supposed to make you think that
what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of
the staff, a handwritten addition to the posters
appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.
There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the
following motto painted in two-foot high letters on
the storefronts of their several locations: "If it's
in stock, we've got it!"
The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor.
Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone
number she began calling. Each time she called, her
phone would ring. When she answered, no one was
there. This continued throughout the morning. When
later asked if she reached the vendor she explained
what was happening and demonstrated for her superior.
He noticed that the phone number she was calling
(which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN
PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling
herself.
Near 50 percent of all marriages in the United
States end in divorce.
Most of the time the cause is something as vague as
"irreconcilable differences." But sometimes the
reasons for divorcing are more specific. Here are some
examples:
A man in Tarittville, Connecticut, filed for divorce
because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator,
which read: "I won't be home when you return from
work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a
recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."
A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because
she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his
hamburger without first asking for permission."
The South Dakota Supreme Court upheld a divorce
court ruling in
September 1994, citing the husband as the cause of the
couple's troubles. The husband had, among other bad
habits, a tendency of passing gas around the house and
then getting angry with his wife when she complained.
The wife claimed her husband could easily regulate his
odoriferous emissions and would break wind as a
"retaliation thing."
A man in Long Island filed for divorce against his
wife claiming that she is a witch and routinely
practices ritualistic animal sacrifices.
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed
for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him
in sign language."
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her
husband because he forced her to "duck under the
dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's
house."
A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband
on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was
much too affectionate.
Teacher Jack Fesneau refused to speak to his wife
Christina for more than two years because of the way
she said, "I do" at their wedding. Christina, from
Quebec, Canada, has been granted a divorce.
A Judge granted a divorce to Percy Quentin because
his wife Thelma organized a lottery - with herself as
the prize. After selling 600 tickets at US$5 each in
Los Angeles, US, the winner was a 73-year-old man.
TOURIST QUESTIONS
These are questions that people actually asked of Park
Rangers around the country. Excerpted from Outside
Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121.
Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom --
where is it?
Is the mule train air-conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park, (Alaska):
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own
made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this
up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of
President Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but
where are the exits?
The following are actual stories told by travel agents
(and you wonder why US citizens generally score less
than the rest of the world on geography)...
I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart
Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was
fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted
"I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat
so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being
near the window.
A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to explain the length of the
flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look
stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is
in Africa." Her response.... click.
A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los
Angles. She gave me various names off a list, none of
which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list.
To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los
Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A.
Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even
embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried
to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in
the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me.
I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to
see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but
they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in
Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he
had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why
he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was
a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the
gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20
a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to
explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but she could not understand the concept of time
zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast,
and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT,
and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After
putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and
explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that
the airline was just putting a destination tag on her
luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what
exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes
have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant
to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said,
"Yea, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he
needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I
double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been
to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."
A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go
from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was
at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you
sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do you have?" replied the customer. After some
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The
customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows
where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map
of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was
a big animal!"
In the weeks before Christmas the British ambassador
in Canada received a phone call from the CBC (CBC
Canadian Broadcasting Company, a Canadian TV station).
The CBC representative on the other end of the line
thanked the ambassador for his prompt arrival at
interviews etc, and for a generally good year. The
ambassador returned the thanks. The CBC representative
then asked the ambassador what he wanted for
Christmas.
Thinking that it might be inappropriate for him to
accept a gift, the ambassador said that he didn't
think that it was a very good idea. However, The CBC
representative insisted, and in the end the ambassador
said that he wanted a small box of crystallized
fruits.
The CBC rep seemed a little puzzled at this answer,
but they ended the conversation and the ambassador
thought nothing more of it.
Later that month, on Boxing Day, the ambassador was
sitting watching the news on TV with his family when
he was treated to this item at the end:
"Before Christmas, we asked three foreign ambassadors
what they wanted for Christmas. The French ambassador
said that he wanted world peace and an end to
suffering, the German ambassador said that he wanted a
cure for cancer, and the British ambassador said that
he wanted a small box of crystallized fruits...."
TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) - A company is trying to erase
an embarrassing mistake it made on pencils bearing an
anti-drug message. The pencils carry the slogan: "Too
Cool to Do Drugs." But a sharp-eyed fourth-grader in
northern New York noticed when the pencils are
sharpened; the message turns into "Cool to Do Drugs"
then simply "Do Drugs..."
One day while leaving work I saw the security guard
for our building, looking confused, standing in the
parking lot. I asked what the problem was, and she
replied that her car was missing. Suddenly she
recalled that earlier in the day she had ordered a car
towed from the reserved parking area. It was her car.
A man named Hugh Gallagher wrote this essay when he
was applying for college. Hugh now attends New York
University.
3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our
college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we
ask that you answer the following question: Are there
any significant experiences you have had, or
accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to
define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and
crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train
stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I
tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with
unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran
in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon
Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, the Mets scouted me, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build
large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban
hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a
ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my
original line of corduroy eveningwear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the
weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with
a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat a
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame
in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects
with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby
Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I
do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of
physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills
are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I
participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals
using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and
spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken
with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was the creator of the
world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes. Once, he told
this story about a time that he was waiting at a
taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When
a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in
himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where
he wanted to go, the driver asked him: ”Where can I
take you, Mr. Doyle?” Doyle was flabbergasted. He
asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The
driver said: ”No Sir, I have never seen you before.”
The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that
he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: ”This
morning's paper had a story about you being on
vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where
people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your
skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The
ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me
that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English,
and not French. Adding up all those pieces of
information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan
Doyle.” Doyle said: ”This is truly amazing. You are a
real-life counter-part to my fictional creation,
Sherlock Holmes. “ There is one other thing,” the
driver said. ”What is that?” ”Your name is on the
front of your suitcase.”
---
This is an actual job application someone submitted at
a McDonald's
fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously,
whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and
a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible
make an offer
and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of
stolen pens
and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It stunk.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be
here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living
in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who
thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like
to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO
THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove
otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently
issued this bulletin:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly
bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game
is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take
extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the
field.
"We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't
expecting them.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray
with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs
of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the
difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of
berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has
little bells in it and smells like pepper."
