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Apr 24 2006, 2:39 PM EDT TheRiddler 298 words added
Apr 24 2006, 2:35 PM EDT TheRiddler

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Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!" He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." (Unknown)

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)

I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, “I don't know... look around, listen to the radio ...” (Bill Braudis)

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)