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1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
3. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later he accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
4. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
5. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
6. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
7. A man walked into a bank in Clearfield, PA and committed an armed robbery. It was not too difficult to track him down though...he was wearing his old Army Jacket when he committed the robbery; with his name printed neatly on the front of the jacket right above the pocket!
8. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
9. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him, and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
10. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. It was a shame, as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.
11. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
12. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it; he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
13. A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "Ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the
police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
14. Also from San Francisco: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.
15. Seattle...When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
16. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
17. 45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car, which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
18. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
19. Drug possession defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. 20. Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
21. Oklahoma City...Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to
convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
22. Detroit...R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin give them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested
Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
23. Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
24. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
25. Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled-leaving his wallet on the counter.
26. England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
27. Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."(Editor's Note2: She might not have gotten much milk from Otto, but she probably made a friend for life while trying to...)
28. Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
29. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
30. A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag facemask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
31. A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this? --The bank's video camera, while it was recording remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera. The police, however, *did*.)
32. A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...
33. Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
34. A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
35. Gunman Simon Kingstree failed to rob a bank in Carolina, US, because staff kept laughing at his big ears - even when he threatened to shoot a cashier.
36. Former prisoner James Knapp confessed to police that he'd robbed two stores in Oklahoma, US, because he missed his old cellmates. Police said they'd see if James could be reunited with his old friends.
37. A burglar needed money to pay his income taxes and decided to burglarize the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
38. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
39. A burglar charged with raiding vending machine paid his bail with US$300 in coins.
40. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men, aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a French fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
Although crime seems to be the best-paid profession in South Africa at the moment, it is still not as sophisticated as in some of the other parts of the world. A Gentleman based in Bogotá, Columbia, tells the story of a fellow American who’s new Mercedes Benz was stolen off the street. The next day, he received a phone call demanding a $10,000 ransom. On the advice of his insurers, he paid up, and the robbers duly left his car where he could find it. The next day they phoned again, saying that because he had paid so promptly, his car was "insured" against theft for a full year. A week later, however, his Merc was gone again. The same thieves phoned to demand $10,000. "But
it's not fair," protested the victim, "you stole my car before and promised it wouldn't happen again for 12 months." After first protesting that this was impossible, the caller promised to check, and the victim could hear computer keys over the phone. Finally, the caller was back on the line, full of apologies, and told the victim where his Merc could be
found. When he got there the American found not only his car, but also a bottle of French Champagne on the front seat, as well as a card apologizing for the mistake and the inconvenience.
"How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared
in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next
in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places-as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.
A Howard County Traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia." The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
* I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
* In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
* I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
* I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
* The telephone pole was approaching; I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end.
* To avoid hitting the bumper on the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against (get this) fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued . . . and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms.
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: ‘An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.' "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed.
In February, 1998, two boys, ages 15 and 14, were released from court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, after a hearing before Judge Larry Seidlin for stealing a car, which according to police, was the 25th car theft committed by the boys in two years. According to police, the boys walked out of the courthouse and realized they had no bus fare home. Then they promptly swiped number 26, which they crashed into a fence 45 minutes later.
A man stole another man's car while he was shopping in the local Kroger. About thirty minutes later the guy who got his car stolen was standing on the curb in disbelief. The man, who stole the car drove up to him not knowing it was his car, then proceeded to ask him for directions.
Carl Rankin, 35, was charged with holding up a store near Trenton, New Jersey, using a cup of hot coffee as a weapon. Police said Rankin threw the coffee at a convenience store clerk, then reached into the cash register.
A Guy comes into a 7-11 type of store. Gets a bottle of beer. As he is paying for it he tells the clerk to give him the money in the cash draw. Standing next to him is a cop in uniform.
A would-be robber walked into a corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to hand over the Scotch. At this point the robber took his driving license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
A guy robs a convenience store for about two hundred dollars, runs out of the store, and discovers he has left the keys in the car, running, but he had locked the doors.
An Indiana man, after learning a convenience store manager had found a bag of marijuana, angrily demanded it be returned to him because he had dropped it earlier. After several attempts to get the man to leave, police were called and the marijuana, the man, and the tape from the video camera were hauled away.
A man walked into a 7-11 and asked for the money in the cash register, he then said thank you and left all the money on the counter. The man was arrested when he came back to the store for the money.
A guy went in to rob a convenience store, and as the cashier was emptying out the cash register, he decided he was going to steal the wallet of a man next to him. Well he was holding a shotgun, and in order to steal the wallet, he had to have an open hand to get to it, so he put his shotgun on the counter, and started to try and pickpocket the man. Well the cashier was smart, so he grabbed the gun off the counter, and as the man ran out of the store started to shoot at him. I think the police caught up to him a couple of hours
later.
A burglar climbed to the roof of a convenience store
from the alley and attempted entry by breaking through
the roof, not realizing that it was open 24hrs a day.
He botched the "entry" and fell through the ceiling of
the store, landing in front of a police patrolman
having a cup of coffee on his break.
A man and his girlfriend were robbing a convenience
store. While the man was emptying the contents of the
cash register into a knapsack, the girlfriend was
talking to the clerk. She noticed a contest entry form
on the counter and filled it out with her name,
address, and phone number. Less than an hour later,
the police used the contest entry form to arrest the
pair at their home - with information they supplied.
The attorney for Howard "Wing Ding" Jones, accused
of selling drugs, sought to lower his client's bail
from $150,000, insisting in a Norristown,
Pennsylvania, courtroom that Jones was not a risk to
flee. At that very moment, Jones bolted from the
courtroom and sprinted out the front door. Police
captured him 50 minutes later and returned him to the
courtroom, where his bail was raised to $500,000.
While questioning a drug dealer's mother about why
she had 30 thousand dollars in the glove box of her
truck, she said she was saving it to buy her son,
already in jail and who had both lower limbs, a
prosthetic leg. The son had never had a limb removed
as he was able to drive a car and run from police.
There was a guy who got a flat tire, and when he got
out to change it a cop pulled up behind him to give
him cover. He changed the tire and when he got in the
car the cop turned on his lights and arrested him for
DUI. When the cop brought him in to the station he
asked how they knew he was drunk and the one cop
replied, "We didn't until you changed the wrong tire."
In East Hartford, CT, a couple of guys were sitting
outside an apartment building, smoking a joint. They
were so intent on their conversation that a UNIFORMED
cop walked up beside them & held out his hand and they
passed the joint to him!
A man was transporting drugs in a van. When he saw
the police were after him, he promptly drove into a
sugarcane field, and fled. The van was impounded and
the drugs confiscated. A while later, he called the
police office asking to have his van back. The police
told him to go to the local DEA office, and they would
give it back. Yep, he went, and got a lot more than he
asked for.
Kidnappers, who abducted Gildo dos Santos near his
factory in a suburb of Sao Paulo, demanded $690,000,
but Santos escaped. The next day, Santos got a phone
call asking for $11,500 to defray the cost of the
abduction. After negotiating a discount of 50 percent,
Santos called police, who were waiting when Luiz
Carlos Valerio showed up to collect payment.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November
that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in
Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was
busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police
then arrested him for breaking into the school.
A bicyclist who confronted three well-dressed men
walking to their hotel in Alexandria, Virginia,
pointed what looked like a 9 mm semiautomatic handgun
at them and demanded money. The three men turned out
to be off-duty federal agents, who drew their own
weapons and fired more than 20 shots, hitting the
would-be robber, as well as three cars, a truck, two
homes and an office building. The injured suspect's
weapon turned out to be a pellet gun.
In April 1995 a gunman in Columbia Tennessee,
announced a bank robbery, but the bank had closed the
previous August. "He walked in here and said, 'Give me
your money,' to a worker at the insurance company that
moved in. At first the workers thought it was a joke
but noticed he sort of looked funny and asked, 'This
ain't a bank anymore?'" He left after robbing two
workers of $127.
Natron Fubble tried to rob a Miami delicatessen, but
the owner broke Fubble's nose by hitting it with a
giant salami. Fubble fled and hid in the trunk of a
parked car. The car belonged to a police undercover
team that was trailing another criminal's truck. After
five days, the officers finally heard Fubble
whimpering and arrested him.
A man burst through the doors of a police station
and yelled, "This is a hold up", of course he was
arrested and his explanation was that he meant to rob
the post office next door!
A man attempted to rob a house in a suit of armor,
and of course it made such a racket when he walked the
owners of the house woke up quickly, then pushing a
bookshelf on him. The armor was so damaged that he
could not get out of it and had to be fed food through
the mask and attend the first day of court in the suit
until a locksmith cut it for him to get out.
One night a New Jersey man hosted a party. Long
after everyone had left and he was preparing to go to
bed, he walked down his hallway and noticed a strange
smell. It was a fart. He knew it wasn't him, so he
called the cops, who quickly found a man hiding in the
closet waiting to rob him.
At a Radio Shack store in the Los Angeles area in
late 1990 or maybe early '91: Someone broke into a
local Radio Shack at night and stole, among other
things, several camcorders. What they didn't realize
was that one of them was being used for store
security, and in addition to being hooked to a small
video monitor where customers could see themselves,
its video output connected to a VCR elsewhere in the
store. The thieves had a fine time clowning around and
watching themselves on the video monitor -- with the
tape going all the time.
In Mexico, three-armed state police officers
surrounded a car containing the eldest son of
President Ernesto Zedillo and demanded money,
apparently unaware of their victim's identity. They
learned it soon enough when another car containing
presidential bodyguards stopped, and the guards
overpowered the police.
On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried
to commit a robbery. This was probably his first
attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no
previous record of violent crime, and by his
terminally stupid choice based on the facts listed
below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is
licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked
Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the
counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The
officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing
him from the gene pool. Several other customers also
drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was
hurt.
A Greenwood Indiana man broke into a fast food
restaurant early one morning. Seeing him near the
drive-through window, police pulled their car to the
window and knocked on the glass. When the man opened
the window, an officer asked him what he was doing.
The man answered, "I'm a burglar". Not a very good
evidently, as when they went inside to arrest him they
found he had been trying to pry the safe open with a
hamburger spatula.
A man robbed a woman of her purse on the street. The
woman called for help but the man got away. Later, in
a back alley, the criminal stopped to go through the
purse. Things looked pretty good, there were credit
cards, cash, and the woman had gotten her paycheck
earlier that day. The criminal decided to cash the
check and dressed up like a woman. He walked to the
bank and no one suspected a thing. When he asked an
elderly teller to cash the check, the teller noticed
that the check was made out to her daughter. She
pressed the security button and when the police came
and arrested the man the teller said, "Next time, only
cash stolen checks that are made out to cash!"
There was the thief who stole a handbag from an old
lady - who was sitting in one of these photo machines
found at airports and train stations. Right when he
stuck his head behind the curtain to grab the handbag
the flash went off, taking a nice picture of the
thief. He was caught and convicted after the lady took
his portrait to the police.
A man who had lived in the same small village all
his life went into the village post office on intent
of robbery. Being of somewhat unusual stature (6.7ft
and extremely fat) he was known well around the
village.
He went up to the counter and confronted the clerk,
who happened to be his next-door neighbor and demanded
money. She recognized him immediately and refused to
hand over the money. The disgruntled robber then
pulled out a cucumber, forgetting to put it in a bag
of some sort. He was arrested and given two and a half
years in prison for attempted robbery.
A man broke into a home and stole, among other
things, men's jewelry and New Orleans Saints season
tickets. The police arrested him the following Sunday
at the Super Dome. He was wearing the homeowner's ring
and watch and seemed surprised that the police had
found him so quickly.
Denmark
A pair of brilliant burglars decided to steal the
'Golden Horns', which is a pair of golden ornamented
Viking instruments. The combined weight of these two
horns is something in the area of 15-16 pounds of
solid gold, making them the largest golden find ever
in Scandinavian history, and they were on display at
one of the local museums. -UNFORTUNATELY, history was
not one of their strongest suits, as these horns were
already stolen some 200 years ago, and the horns on
display since then were brass copies. The theft of
these horns all that time ago, is actually an
extremely well known event, and the same man who wrote
the National Anthem wrote a very famous poem about
their discovery and theft. These robbers obviously
should have spent a bit more time on cultural
pursuits, rather than their thirst for gold. The
thieves were later captured, and had at that time not
yet been able to get a fair price for their 12 pounds
of brass. They had, however, received quite a few
laughs from the traders and collectors they had
approached.
After a robbery at a grocery store in St. Louis the
fleeing robber was attempting to change his shirt in
the back seat of the getaway car. However he forgot to
put the gun down and shot himself in the leg. It took
the police officer that arrested him a while to figure
out why the robber could not hear the instructions to
put his hands up.
This woman came into a local store and headed
straight for the meat counter. Suspiciously she looked
around and tried to see if anyone was watching, no one
was (except the camera) and so she carried on, as she
would have done. From the meat store she removed a
sizeable chicken and proceeded to pick it up and shove
it under her jumper. She quickly rushed out the shop
looking as innocent as possible! The shopkeeper saw
this rather suspicious looking thing under the woman's
jumper and promptly called the squad car to check it
out. So the car arrived and saw this woman and caught
up with her. On noticing the cops the woman turned
around and put an enormously shocked expression on her
face. The woman tried to convince the cops that this
chicken had just fallen from the sky and it had landed
in her arms, she made these gestures that it had
simply plunked into her arms and there was nothing
else to it. She was convinced in her story and stuck
to it until she was returned to the station when she
saw the videos, whereby she was sentenced.
Two thieves were attempting to break into a safe.
After failing to pick the lock, they decided that they
would blast it open with dynamite. Upon detonating the
dynamite most of the room in which the safe was
located was destroyed. The safe, however, stood fast.
The gangsters then decided to shove the safe out of
the window, as they were on the second floor, and this
would surely break the safe open to expose it's
contents. This too, failed. They then decided to run a
chain from the safe to the back of their vehicle, and
drag it away to someplace where they would have more
time to dissect it. As they headed down the road at a
rapid pace with their booty in tow, they came upon a
traffic light, which turned red just as they were
approaching the intersection. They had to stop
quickly, and luckily, their pickup had good brakes.
The safe, however, did not. It promptly rammed the
rear of the truck, lifting the back end off the ground
and lodging itself underneath.
A man stole a plastic bag full of dog manure from an
old woman walking her dog.
A man called Crime Stoppers to report a crime so he
could collect the reward money. He told so much about
the crime the police knew he had committed it. So they
got his name & address and sent a police car out to
pick him up and arrest him.
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
In Seattle Washington some employees of Boeing
Aircraft stole a large life raft that is used on the
747. They went to the river and inflated it. Very
shortly after that the Coast Guard was on the scene.
They didn't know that a locator signal was activated
when the raft was inflated. They no longer work at
Boeing.
One guy was holding up a bank and trying to use
pantyhose on his head as a disguise. He soon
suffocated, and had to be taken to the hospital!
A criminal broke into a guy's house and shoved the
old man into a closet. Unfortunately, he shoved him
into the closet that held the man's gun collection. At
the time I heard this story, the criminal was in
critical condition.
A police Dispatcher for a Southern California Law
Enforcement Agency had a male caller reporting that a
prostitute had ripped him off. He ordered her through
some sort of an escort agency. Well, when she came to
the door he realized she wasn't worth paying for &
told her to forget it. Apparently her pimp wasn't very
happy about that so he broke down the door & took his
money. His comment as he was reporting the crime was
"I was not going to pay for that! She's was just
ugly."
During the filming of the weekly TV series
"Homicide", production was interrupted when two
criminals, fleeing the scene of their crime
surrendered to a bunch of actors dressed up like
police. The bad guys thought that they had been
"headed off" by the real cops and that carried the
explosion.
2. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
3. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later he accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
4. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
5. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
6. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
7. A man walked into a bank in Clearfield, PA and committed an armed robbery. It was not too difficult to track him down though...he was wearing his old Army Jacket when he committed the robbery; with his name printed neatly on the front of the jacket right above the pocket!
8. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
9. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him, and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
10. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. It was a shame, as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.
11. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
12. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it; he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
13. A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "Ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the
police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
14. Also from San Francisco: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.
15. Seattle...When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
16. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
17. 45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car, which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
18. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
19. Drug possession defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. 20. Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
21. Oklahoma City...Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to
convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
22. Detroit...R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin give them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested
Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
23. Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
24. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
25. Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled-leaving his wallet on the counter.
26. England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
27. Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."(Editor's Note2: She might not have gotten much milk from Otto, but she probably made a friend for life while trying to...)
28. Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
29. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
30. A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag facemask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
31. A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this? --The bank's video camera, while it was recording remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera. The police, however, *did*.)
32. A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...
33. Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
34. A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
35. Gunman Simon Kingstree failed to rob a bank in Carolina, US, because staff kept laughing at his big ears - even when he threatened to shoot a cashier.
36. Former prisoner James Knapp confessed to police that he'd robbed two stores in Oklahoma, US, because he missed his old cellmates. Police said they'd see if James could be reunited with his old friends.
37. A burglar needed money to pay his income taxes and decided to burglarize the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
38. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
39. A burglar charged with raiding vending machine paid his bail with US$300 in coins.
40. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men, aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a French fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
Although crime seems to be the best-paid profession in South Africa at the moment, it is still not as sophisticated as in some of the other parts of the world. A Gentleman based in Bogotá, Columbia, tells the story of a fellow American who’s new Mercedes Benz was stolen off the street. The next day, he received a phone call demanding a $10,000 ransom. On the advice of his insurers, he paid up, and the robbers duly left his car where he could find it. The next day they phoned again, saying that because he had paid so promptly, his car was "insured" against theft for a full year. A week later, however, his Merc was gone again. The same thieves phoned to demand $10,000. "But
it's not fair," protested the victim, "you stole my car before and promised it wouldn't happen again for 12 months." After first protesting that this was impossible, the caller promised to check, and the victim could hear computer keys over the phone. Finally, the caller was back on the line, full of apologies, and told the victim where his Merc could be
found. When he got there the American found not only his car, but also a bottle of French Champagne on the front seat, as well as a card apologizing for the mistake and the inconvenience.
"How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared
in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next
in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places-as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.
A Howard County Traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia." The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
* I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
* In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
* I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
* I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
* The telephone pole was approaching; I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end.
* To avoid hitting the bumper on the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against (get this) fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued . . . and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms.
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: ‘An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.' "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed.
In February, 1998, two boys, ages 15 and 14, were released from court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, after a hearing before Judge Larry Seidlin for stealing a car, which according to police, was the 25th car theft committed by the boys in two years. According to police, the boys walked out of the courthouse and realized they had no bus fare home. Then they promptly swiped number 26, which they crashed into a fence 45 minutes later.
A man stole another man's car while he was shopping in the local Kroger. About thirty minutes later the guy who got his car stolen was standing on the curb in disbelief. The man, who stole the car drove up to him not knowing it was his car, then proceeded to ask him for directions.
Carl Rankin, 35, was charged with holding up a store near Trenton, New Jersey, using a cup of hot coffee as a weapon. Police said Rankin threw the coffee at a convenience store clerk, then reached into the cash register.
A Guy comes into a 7-11 type of store. Gets a bottle of beer. As he is paying for it he tells the clerk to give him the money in the cash draw. Standing next to him is a cop in uniform.
A would-be robber walked into a corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to hand over the Scotch. At this point the robber took his driving license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
A guy robs a convenience store for about two hundred dollars, runs out of the store, and discovers he has left the keys in the car, running, but he had locked the doors.
An Indiana man, after learning a convenience store manager had found a bag of marijuana, angrily demanded it be returned to him because he had dropped it earlier. After several attempts to get the man to leave, police were called and the marijuana, the man, and the tape from the video camera were hauled away.
A man walked into a 7-11 and asked for the money in the cash register, he then said thank you and left all the money on the counter. The man was arrested when he came back to the store for the money.
A guy went in to rob a convenience store, and as the cashier was emptying out the cash register, he decided he was going to steal the wallet of a man next to him. Well he was holding a shotgun, and in order to steal the wallet, he had to have an open hand to get to it, so he put his shotgun on the counter, and started to try and pickpocket the man. Well the cashier was smart, so he grabbed the gun off the counter, and as the man ran out of the store started to shoot at him. I think the police caught up to him a couple of hours
later.
A burglar climbed to the roof of a convenience store
from the alley and attempted entry by breaking through
the roof, not realizing that it was open 24hrs a day.
He botched the "entry" and fell through the ceiling of
the store, landing in front of a police patrolman
having a cup of coffee on his break.
A man and his girlfriend were robbing a convenience
store. While the man was emptying the contents of the
cash register into a knapsack, the girlfriend was
talking to the clerk. She noticed a contest entry form
on the counter and filled it out with her name,
address, and phone number. Less than an hour later,
the police used the contest entry form to arrest the
pair at their home - with information they supplied.
The attorney for Howard "Wing Ding" Jones, accused
of selling drugs, sought to lower his client's bail
from $150,000, insisting in a Norristown,
Pennsylvania, courtroom that Jones was not a risk to
flee. At that very moment, Jones bolted from the
courtroom and sprinted out the front door. Police
captured him 50 minutes later and returned him to the
courtroom, where his bail was raised to $500,000.
While questioning a drug dealer's mother about why
she had 30 thousand dollars in the glove box of her
truck, she said she was saving it to buy her son,
already in jail and who had both lower limbs, a
prosthetic leg. The son had never had a limb removed
as he was able to drive a car and run from police.
There was a guy who got a flat tire, and when he got
out to change it a cop pulled up behind him to give
him cover. He changed the tire and when he got in the
car the cop turned on his lights and arrested him for
DUI. When the cop brought him in to the station he
asked how they knew he was drunk and the one cop
replied, "We didn't until you changed the wrong tire."
In East Hartford, CT, a couple of guys were sitting
outside an apartment building, smoking a joint. They
were so intent on their conversation that a UNIFORMED
cop walked up beside them & held out his hand and they
passed the joint to him!
A man was transporting drugs in a van. When he saw
the police were after him, he promptly drove into a
sugarcane field, and fled. The van was impounded and
the drugs confiscated. A while later, he called the
police office asking to have his van back. The police
told him to go to the local DEA office, and they would
give it back. Yep, he went, and got a lot more than he
asked for.
Kidnappers, who abducted Gildo dos Santos near his
factory in a suburb of Sao Paulo, demanded $690,000,
but Santos escaped. The next day, Santos got a phone
call asking for $11,500 to defray the cost of the
abduction. After negotiating a discount of 50 percent,
Santos called police, who were waiting when Luiz
Carlos Valerio showed up to collect payment.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November
that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in
Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was
busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police
then arrested him for breaking into the school.
A bicyclist who confronted three well-dressed men
walking to their hotel in Alexandria, Virginia,
pointed what looked like a 9 mm semiautomatic handgun
at them and demanded money. The three men turned out
to be off-duty federal agents, who drew their own
weapons and fired more than 20 shots, hitting the
would-be robber, as well as three cars, a truck, two
homes and an office building. The injured suspect's
weapon turned out to be a pellet gun.
In April 1995 a gunman in Columbia Tennessee,
announced a bank robbery, but the bank had closed the
previous August. "He walked in here and said, 'Give me
your money,' to a worker at the insurance company that
moved in. At first the workers thought it was a joke
but noticed he sort of looked funny and asked, 'This
ain't a bank anymore?'" He left after robbing two
workers of $127.
Natron Fubble tried to rob a Miami delicatessen, but
the owner broke Fubble's nose by hitting it with a
giant salami. Fubble fled and hid in the trunk of a
parked car. The car belonged to a police undercover
team that was trailing another criminal's truck. After
five days, the officers finally heard Fubble
whimpering and arrested him.
A man burst through the doors of a police station
and yelled, "This is a hold up", of course he was
arrested and his explanation was that he meant to rob
the post office next door!
A man attempted to rob a house in a suit of armor,
and of course it made such a racket when he walked the
owners of the house woke up quickly, then pushing a
bookshelf on him. The armor was so damaged that he
could not get out of it and had to be fed food through
the mask and attend the first day of court in the suit
until a locksmith cut it for him to get out.
One night a New Jersey man hosted a party. Long
after everyone had left and he was preparing to go to
bed, he walked down his hallway and noticed a strange
smell. It was a fart. He knew it wasn't him, so he
called the cops, who quickly found a man hiding in the
closet waiting to rob him.
At a Radio Shack store in the Los Angeles area in
late 1990 or maybe early '91: Someone broke into a
local Radio Shack at night and stole, among other
things, several camcorders. What they didn't realize
was that one of them was being used for store
security, and in addition to being hooked to a small
video monitor where customers could see themselves,
its video output connected to a VCR elsewhere in the
store. The thieves had a fine time clowning around and
watching themselves on the video monitor -- with the
tape going all the time.
In Mexico, three-armed state police officers
surrounded a car containing the eldest son of
President Ernesto Zedillo and demanded money,
apparently unaware of their victim's identity. They
learned it soon enough when another car containing
presidential bodyguards stopped, and the guards
overpowered the police.
On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried
to commit a robbery. This was probably his first
attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no
previous record of violent crime, and by his
terminally stupid choice based on the facts listed
below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is
licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked
Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the
counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The
officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing
him from the gene pool. Several other customers also
drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was
hurt.
A Greenwood Indiana man broke into a fast food
restaurant early one morning. Seeing him near the
drive-through window, police pulled their car to the
window and knocked on the glass. When the man opened
the window, an officer asked him what he was doing.
The man answered, "I'm a burglar". Not a very good
evidently, as when they went inside to arrest him they
found he had been trying to pry the safe open with a
hamburger spatula.
A man robbed a woman of her purse on the street. The
woman called for help but the man got away. Later, in
a back alley, the criminal stopped to go through the
purse. Things looked pretty good, there were credit
cards, cash, and the woman had gotten her paycheck
earlier that day. The criminal decided to cash the
check and dressed up like a woman. He walked to the
bank and no one suspected a thing. When he asked an
elderly teller to cash the check, the teller noticed
that the check was made out to her daughter. She
pressed the security button and when the police came
and arrested the man the teller said, "Next time, only
cash stolen checks that are made out to cash!"
There was the thief who stole a handbag from an old
lady - who was sitting in one of these photo machines
found at airports and train stations. Right when he
stuck his head behind the curtain to grab the handbag
the flash went off, taking a nice picture of the
thief. He was caught and convicted after the lady took
his portrait to the police.
A man who had lived in the same small village all
his life went into the village post office on intent
of robbery. Being of somewhat unusual stature (6.7ft
and extremely fat) he was known well around the
village.
He went up to the counter and confronted the clerk,
who happened to be his next-door neighbor and demanded
money. She recognized him immediately and refused to
hand over the money. The disgruntled robber then
pulled out a cucumber, forgetting to put it in a bag
of some sort. He was arrested and given two and a half
years in prison for attempted robbery.
A man broke into a home and stole, among other
things, men's jewelry and New Orleans Saints season
tickets. The police arrested him the following Sunday
at the Super Dome. He was wearing the homeowner's ring
and watch and seemed surprised that the police had
found him so quickly.
Denmark
A pair of brilliant burglars decided to steal the
'Golden Horns', which is a pair of golden ornamented
Viking instruments. The combined weight of these two
horns is something in the area of 15-16 pounds of
solid gold, making them the largest golden find ever
in Scandinavian history, and they were on display at
one of the local museums. -UNFORTUNATELY, history was
not one of their strongest suits, as these horns were
already stolen some 200 years ago, and the horns on
display since then were brass copies. The theft of
these horns all that time ago, is actually an
extremely well known event, and the same man who wrote
the National Anthem wrote a very famous poem about
their discovery and theft. These robbers obviously
should have spent a bit more time on cultural
pursuits, rather than their thirst for gold. The
thieves were later captured, and had at that time not
yet been able to get a fair price for their 12 pounds
of brass. They had, however, received quite a few
laughs from the traders and collectors they had
approached.
After a robbery at a grocery store in St. Louis the
fleeing robber was attempting to change his shirt in
the back seat of the getaway car. However he forgot to
put the gun down and shot himself in the leg. It took
the police officer that arrested him a while to figure
out why the robber could not hear the instructions to
put his hands up.
This woman came into a local store and headed
straight for the meat counter. Suspiciously she looked
around and tried to see if anyone was watching, no one
was (except the camera) and so she carried on, as she
would have done. From the meat store she removed a
sizeable chicken and proceeded to pick it up and shove
it under her jumper. She quickly rushed out the shop
looking as innocent as possible! The shopkeeper saw
this rather suspicious looking thing under the woman's
jumper and promptly called the squad car to check it
out. So the car arrived and saw this woman and caught
up with her. On noticing the cops the woman turned
around and put an enormously shocked expression on her
face. The woman tried to convince the cops that this
chicken had just fallen from the sky and it had landed
in her arms, she made these gestures that it had
simply plunked into her arms and there was nothing
else to it. She was convinced in her story and stuck
to it until she was returned to the station when she
saw the videos, whereby she was sentenced.
Two thieves were attempting to break into a safe.
After failing to pick the lock, they decided that they
would blast it open with dynamite. Upon detonating the
dynamite most of the room in which the safe was
located was destroyed. The safe, however, stood fast.
The gangsters then decided to shove the safe out of
the window, as they were on the second floor, and this
would surely break the safe open to expose it's
contents. This too, failed. They then decided to run a
chain from the safe to the back of their vehicle, and
drag it away to someplace where they would have more
time to dissect it. As they headed down the road at a
rapid pace with their booty in tow, they came upon a
traffic light, which turned red just as they were
approaching the intersection. They had to stop
quickly, and luckily, their pickup had good brakes.
The safe, however, did not. It promptly rammed the
rear of the truck, lifting the back end off the ground
and lodging itself underneath.
A man stole a plastic bag full of dog manure from an
old woman walking her dog.
A man called Crime Stoppers to report a crime so he
could collect the reward money. He told so much about
the crime the police knew he had committed it. So they
got his name & address and sent a police car out to
pick him up and arrest him.
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
In Seattle Washington some employees of Boeing
Aircraft stole a large life raft that is used on the
747. They went to the river and inflated it. Very
shortly after that the Coast Guard was on the scene.
They didn't know that a locator signal was activated
when the raft was inflated. They no longer work at
Boeing.
One guy was holding up a bank and trying to use
pantyhose on his head as a disguise. He soon
suffocated, and had to be taken to the hospital!
A criminal broke into a guy's house and shoved the
old man into a closet. Unfortunately, he shoved him
into the closet that held the man's gun collection. At
the time I heard this story, the criminal was in
critical condition.
A police Dispatcher for a Southern California Law
Enforcement Agency had a male caller reporting that a
prostitute had ripped him off. He ordered her through
some sort of an escort agency. Well, when she came to
the door he realized she wasn't worth paying for &
told her to forget it. Apparently her pimp wasn't very
happy about that so he broke down the door & took his
money. His comment as he was reporting the crime was
"I was not going to pay for that! She's was just
ugly."
During the filming of the weekly TV series
"Homicide", production was interrupted when two
criminals, fleeing the scene of their crime
surrendered to a bunch of actors dressed up like
police. The bad guys thought that they had been
"headed off" by the real cops and that carried the
explosion.
