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I went to the psychiatrist, and he says, "You're crazy!" I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)


Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)

i couldnt be a doctor because i cant keep my opinions to myself. while lookin in someones throat with that fat toothpick "what the **** that?!""Thats gross"" Theyre so emotionally disturbed when im done. the phycologist works right next to me. He has some nerve to, he comes into my waiting room and gives ppl
theyre appointments for the next day.