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I don't want to just ruin everybody's day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high.

Aren't you tired of bad economic news, ladies and gentlemen? Well, here is some good economic news. President Obama has a great new economic plan. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to make all the cabinet members that he has selected pay their back taxes.

Oh, here's good news. I guess the House of Representatives has passed President Obama's stimulus package. And then I guess it goes through the Senate. And if that's passed, then that $800 billion, just disappears. Have no idea where it goes.

Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it's not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money.

Insider tip. How many folks still have cars? Anybody here still have a car? You know, you can turn them in, take them in to Washington and they'll give you your money back. And Ford Motors, by God, Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money.

What a rough crowd last night. Rough, they were surly. They were quiet. I'm telling you. It was quiet in here. It was like a Lehman Brothers Christmas party.

Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can't use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, 'Well, no, of course not. That's what the employee pension funds are for.'

But, you know, when the Big Three CEOs went to Washington, they said, 'We've got to have $25 billion.' Congress said, 'You know what? Wait right here. Let me go to the back and talk to the manager.'

Well, the Big Three, as you know, are not selling as many cars and they have got to pay those big union payments. So they went to the government looking for some of that sweet Federal bailout money. But instead of the bailout, they should apply for farm subsidies, you know, because of all the lemons they produced over the years.

I heard today that the federal government was raising, like, $40 billion to bail out Citigroup. Honestly, when you think about it, who doesn't really feel sorry for credit card companies?

And tomorrow, President Bush will pardon turkeys. This year, I think you know the turkeys, the Lehman brothers.

Here's what I don't like about the turkeys this year, they're arrogant. These turkeys that they're going to pardon this year, they're arrogant. They're flying in from Detroit on their private jets.

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'

You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.

But, no, they're not going to have department-store Santa Claus, so if you take your kids in there, you've got to give your list to the girl who sprays you and I with perfume.

Do you like those al Qaeda guys? They're creepy, aren't they, those al Qaeda guys? And they're taunting us now. And this guy, al-Zawahiri, he's like the second guy in charge, he released one of those wise guy, smart-alecky audio tapes. In it, he condemns the United States, just flat, right across the board. And at the end, he wants to know if he can get some of that sweet Federal bailout money.

Auto executives, the Big Three, are asking Congress now for bailout money. Yeah. Hey, don't kid yourself. Things are getting desperate, and if they get any worse, these guys may have to trim their $10 million bonuses.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Do you feel like Thanksgiving, folks? You know, it's a time when people can do nice things for others who are less fortunate. I hope you're planning on doing something for people less fortunate. For example, if you get the opportunity, if you have your Thanksgiving dinner, invite a Lehman brother.

I'm no pundit, I'm no expert, but McCain needed Cheney's endorsement like I need more Lehman Brothers stock.

Daylight savings time, change your clocks back. ... If there's one thing we need, it's another hour of 2008. President Bush has already turned the clocks back to 1929.

On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?

President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, "It's a good thing I'm in charge." And I know that's what we're all thinking.

But Bush says he's going to tweak the financial package. He's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's what he's doing now. He's tweaking that financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu.

Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he'll be out of office.

A lot of things on sale on Columbus Day. You can get a good deal on a dining room set, mattresses, General Motors.

Are you worried about the economy? Listen to this: the Federal Reserve has lowered the interest rate to 1.5 percent. ... I tell you, I haven't seen interest that low, well, since last night's audience.

And everybody in New York City is worried about the economy, everybody is hurting. The hookers down in Times Square, bless their hearts, listen to this: because of the economy, they now have to work past the retirement age of 65.

Here's another sign the economy is in bad shape: earlier today, Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bush administration is taking over the banks. So, hey, crisis over.

I don't know, should we talk about the stock market? Oh my gosh, today, talk about your roller coaster, dropped 800 points. Whoa, so thank you, bailout rescue plan. Thank you very much.

Yeah, the economy is going to hell, but at least we're getting leadership from the White House. That's the important thing, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for that.

Here's some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here's the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it.

The economy is so bad that today, Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker.

The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. And it just doesn't seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashanah.

But anyway, I guess we should be happy the bailout bill passed. 74 yeas, 25 nays, and one 'Fabulous!' from Senator Larry Craig. Fabulous!

Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I’m telling you, boy, it's a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy.

I guess you heard the news that the House killed the bailout plan. So Washington failed to act? Oh, I didn’t see that coming. Wow!

Right now the only winner in this economic mess is vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who has all her money in pelts.

President Bush now says that the taxpayers could actually make a profit on this deal. Well, that's good enough for me, let's go, come on. And, if you believe that, I have Yankees and Mets World Series tickets.

I was watching the news on television earlier, and George Bush says the economy is in danger. Nothing gets past this guy! Wow! Like a steel trap.

All these world leaders, while they're in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they're doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.

The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news.